From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 1-JAN-1997 12:59:29 Subj: Chris Hagelstein: literary genius This is a copy-stuff-here-only folder to celebrate Clark's only major literary figure, Christopher Hagelstein, class of '87 or so. I will begin with copying his recent masterpieces here. I have a few older ones stored away somewhere, including WheatBread's computer, so those will be here shortly. If you have any of Hagel's work from the past, please copy it here. And if you see a new masterpiece by him, copy it here first. (It would be nice to include the full header info, so we know when and where it was first posted (just copy & paste it)) Enjoy, all! From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JAN-1997 13:04:56 Subj: Relationships' sucks flamage by HSIMS #68 of 77 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 30-DEC-1996 17:16 Expires: 25-DEC-1999 23:59 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Relationships' sucks flamage by HSIMS Oh, hello, my sweet underlings. I'm writing to tell you about my sweety-poo Sound Guy who is so amazing. Sigh. It sucks that I have to pay bills and go to Ralphs while my gorgeous cuty pie cubby bear Sound guy is jumping on and off stage. I know that I will loose him someday, but I want to let everyone know how it will suck SOMEDAY when he leaves; but me and Sound guy are going to New Hampshire, and Sound Guy is going to teach me skiing, and we are then going to be baking little Santa Claus cookies, and then everything else. He sucks. Sigh. He is so cute, and sucks too. Sigh. But anyway, Sound guy gave me Diamond rings. They are real diamond rings that I can wear, and Sound buy bought them for me. Sigh. It sucks to be so happy and go out with a hot guy like Sound Guy, while on Vax I have to pretend to be depressed and sad, while I'm really happy and springy and squeeky about my Sound Guy. He is so gorgeous. Sigh. Sigh. Its too bad you are all losers except for me because I have Sound Guy and you do not. But I promise you someday I will loose sound guy to some slut who gives out her telephone numbers to any horny guy, while myself will be drowning in misery with you. Sigh. But, anyway, Sound Guy will be taking me rodeo hopping tomorrow, then tug-boat cleaning on New Years Day, then Sound Guy will be buying me chocolate and money and diamond earrings and then he will snuggle up warm with me. Sigh. But, someday when I am upset, probably soon, I will tell you how much of a bastard he was to me and how much relationships will suck, but in the meantime, I will tell you how artifical my happiness is with my beautiful Sound Guy. Sigh. I will love to tell you more about my beautiful, lovey-dovey Sound Guy, but I don't want to bore you, but simply let you drool over everything I have and you do not have, which is, of course, my Sound Guy. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JAN-1997 13:14:22 Subj: Rachel and Ari are getting married #10 of 10 REISNER_FAN_CLUB Date: 1-JAN-1997 12:41 Expires: 15-JAN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Rachel and Ari are getting Married PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT (January 1, 1997) Worcester Telegram and Gazette Rachel E, of PizzaTown, CT. and Ari H., of Corny, America have announced they plan to be Married as of June 1, 1997. The bride is expected to offer the groom access to her garage to prepare computerized tablets which will inscribe formulas related to conversation readiness within peer groups. The comfortable couple plan to shop in various conveinence stores, and itemize products and services they discover during their honeymoon. Mr. Herzog, formerly a socially abstract participant, plans to treat Ms. Eisnor to a lavish dinner and party at his Super Mario Brothers Kingdom, then offer her meats, fruits and vegtables at Kiddy Horny. an all-night diner in Worcester. After their escapade , they plan to peruse the vacant lots of institutions to metaphysically transform into each other. Estimated plan of fusion: 2 minutes. The newly married couple plan to file lunacy charges against the Supreme Court, logically explaining that the Constitution of the United States never has existed, and, therefore, all laws are invalid. They plan to rewrite history, create a new social order, and construct a labyrinthine communication system. Estimated time of arrival: 2 minutes. From all of us at the Worc. Telegram and Gazette, we want to wish the Newlyweds a healthy and happy new year Sincerely, Yahweh From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 1-JAN-1997 13:42:08 Subj: Re: Letter from the President on the tuition increase FROM: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN GENERAL Date: 8-MAR-1996 21:30:10 Subj: Re: Letter from the President on the tuition increase ( -> " " = original Traina letter) ->"To: Clark University Students and Parents ->"From: Richard P. Traina" \Letter on Standardized ASCII Institutional Educational Letterhead -> "On March 2, the Board of Trustees approved a University budget that includes a 3.9 percent increase in the total undergraduate bill at Clark University. The total charges will be $24,070, which includes a $900 increase in tuition to $19,600. Health fees and room and board costs will remain the same. The health fee will be $220, a standard double room will be $2,250 and the standard 19-meal plan will be $2,000." On March 2, the Standard Trustees writ on their Stones a University budget that includes a 3.9 percent increase in total undergraduate bill at Clark University, Incorporated. The total charges will be $24,979, which includes a $900 increase in tuition to $19,600. Financial health fees and room for bearing additional costs will remain the same. Including the following litany: -> "The University budget is the result of extensive planning and intense scrutiny of spending. Our decision making continues to be informed by an Academic and Financial Plan that invests in Clark University's ability to provide an education anticipating the needs of citizens of the 21st century." The university budget is the result of extensive financial analysis and latent capitalism, and avoiding ultimately the intense scrutiny behind it. Our judgement masks the oxymoron of an "Academic and Financial Plan" that invests in Clark University ability to leverage its educational mantra to patronize the needs of the Citizen Kanes for the 21st Century. -> "The Academic and Financial Plan's vision of the future -> -> "Many of the key challenges of the 21st century are knowable: We must reconcile economic development and environmental sustainability, we must ameliorate international and intercultural strife, we must ensure that our science and our communications technology serve humanity, and we must develop a new definition of citizenship based on personal and collective responsibility. For those challenges and others that we cannot predict, we must create courageous leaders capable of both appreciating and challenging conventional wisdom. Our Academic and Financial Plan, begun in 1993 and continuously updated by our faculty, gives substance to vision by addressing such issues." The Academic and Financial Plan Tabloid Journalistic Versatility Many of the keys to knowledge are unknowable unless they are challenged. We must aggressively develop educational economies to sustain their environmental visibility, we must institutionalize international and intercultural strife, we must ensure that our science and our communications linguistic systems are of service to humanoids, and we must develop a new definition of history based on personal and collective arrogance. For those keys to unlock the doors and others that we cannot get through, we must manufacture courageous propaganda capable of both depreciating and insulting human beingness. Our Academic and Financial Plant, constructed in 1993 and continuously maintained by our faculty, gives subsistence to their positions as tenured representatives of vision. -> "By now, I hope Clark University's Academic and Financial Plan initiatives are common knowledge to you. They include the new Environmental School, the International Studies Stream, the Communication, Culture and Society major, and the BA/MA program with the fifth-year tuition free still the most aggressive response nationwide to concerns about cost and value. I hope all students take advantage of these initiatives. They are there to ensure that Clark University graduates are capable of making a difference in the world." By now, I hope Clark University's Academic and Financial indoctrination has justified the following expenses: They include the new Environmentally Necessary School, the International Sterilization Stream, the Surgical Communication, Culture and Cosmetic major and the BA/MA program with fifth-year tuition still free from current charges. I hope all students seriously consider these marketing enhancements. They are there to ensure that Clark University graduates successfully produce income to fund our future marketing initiatives. -> "Competing for the best scholar/teachers -> -> "Responding to this vision of the future requires the continuity of a committed and accomplished faculty. Over the past five years, faculty and staff at Clark University have either foregone salary increases or accepted very small increases in recognition of the enormous economic challenges our students and their families face. We have adopted a three-year plan that begins in the next fiscal year to invest in our people. We recognize that the low student-to-faculty ratio of Clark, the small classes, and the opportunities for undergraduates to pursue research one-on-one with outstanding faculty are essential for Clark's approach to education. Clark University will continue to compete successfully for the finest scholar/teachers in academia." Comprehending the best scholar/teachers Responding to this vision of the future requires the continuity of university rhetoric and a survivalist faculty. Over the past five years, faculty and staff at Clark University have either maintained relatively high salaries than average or accepted very small increases in recognition of the enormous needs of university funding. We have adopted a three-year vision that clone financial investments into efficient, lower fee-based professors. We recognize that the low student-to-faculty ratio of Clark, the small classes, and the appropriate institutional setting is essential for Clark's approach to education. Clark University, Incorporated will continue to compete for the finest scholar/teachers in academia no matter what the cost. -> "The budget approved by the Trustees also selectively invests in educational technology and in resources for the Goddard Library. These investments directly benefit students, helping them to develop skills expected in today's workforce. The budget also supports the University Park Partnership, which is committed to revitalizing the immediate Main South neighborhood in which we are located, in partnership with government, business, nonprofit organizations and our neighbors. Our initial investments in UPP are beginning to take root and have been rewarded with considerable funding from the federal Department of Housing and Urban Development, along with city and state assistance and foundation grants." The budget dubbed by the Trustees also selects investments appropriate for high rates of return, including educational technology, using the machines located in the Goddard Library. These machines directly benefit students, helping them to develop data-entry skills expected in today's workforce. The budget must also recognize the University Park Partnership, which is atypical of our long-term goals, yet reinforces our presence as a viable economic entity in the otherwise nonprofitable Main South neighborhood. Our initial investments in UPP are beginning to germinate in laboratories, and have been rewarded with considerable funding from the Central Intelligence Agency. -> "Responsibly marshaling our resources -> -> "All colleges and universities throughout the nation are trying to stabilize costs. Forward-thinking institutions like Clark University are, at the same time, ensuring that their education offers the highest possible return on investment for students who will face a world of exceptional challenge and opportunity. Managing our resources to benefit our students is both a practical and a moral issue." Responsibly marshaling our Didactic All colleges and universities throughout the nation are true stabilizers in marketing cost increases. Among forward-thinking institutions, Clark University ranks itself #1 in ensuring that their education offers the highest possible return on investment for students with little or no humanistic risk. Managing our determination of the moral issues is both practical and beneficial to preoccupied undergraduates. -> "The most strategic way to increase value while controlling cost is to focus on institutional strengths, to capitalize on what the institution does well that students need for the 21st century, to reshape the University in keeping with such objectives, and then to pursue that path as efficiently as a concern for quality permits. That is the path we are following. We have worked very hard to ensure that this total bill is below the median of comparable institutions, and have managed to keep the increase below four percent. -> "Tuition represents a considerable investment in each student's future, and we believe the investments we are making in the education offered at Clark University are a conscientious, responsible and effective response to the needs of our students. -> -> Sincerely, -> -> Richard P. Traina -> President -> ->"P.S. If you would like a summary of Clark University's Academic and ->Financia lPlan, please call my office at (508) 793-7320." The most strategic way to increase costs while promoting value is to focus on institutional strengths, leverage what the institution does well that students can apply for in the 21st century, to institutionalize the University for such objectives, and then to defile quality communication as efficiently as a concern for quantative permits. That is the path we are following. We admit our hard efforts to keep the increase below four hundred basis points, thanks to the excessiveness of comparable institutions. Tuition represents a considerable problem in ascertaining its value relative to each student's future, nonetheless, we believe these investments students are making to shape Clark University are consistent, lawful and effective to achieve the needs of our Institution. Sincerely, John Stuart Mill Historical Chieftain of Institutional Education Adam Smith Ecocidal Administration Hand Frolly Goatwinkle King of Cerebral Saturnalia P.S. If you would like a summary of Clark University Gingerbread Mediatric House Proselytism, Advertising Sap Prostitution and Cultural Elitism Rerun Prayer, Ideologically AngloCentric Speechoid, please call my Razor Kitty Fax Detergent: office (1-800-Deicide) telepathy (508-799-2918) Sincerely, Christopher Hagelstein Class of '87 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JAN-1997 14:42:54 Subj: Re: The meaningless of the alternative. [CHESS ANALOGY #1] [from FLAME, 12/96] [AHERZOG]The fact is I have no intention of joining the ranks of JLEE1, RMACK, ->->RMOHNS, MCOHEN, BSHEEHAN, and the other so-called vax geeks and vax gods ->->and I take pride in being myself. Call me the anti-conformist, the rebel ->->with a lost cause. If I am viewed as a jester or a fool, c'est la vie, ->->and let's move on with our lives. Targeted observation is not a one-way ->->street; rather, both the participant and the scientist would be mutually ->->observing eachother; however, the gains of both would differ. In the words ->->of Cervantes' Don Quixote, this is my quest, as you say, and the reigns ->->of JLEE1 and colleagues are nothing more than so-called unbeatable foes. ->->Yet, Don Quixote followed his own calling, his own destiny, and his ->->own fate rather than be fucked by fooling the gods, and all worked out. -> ->[RMOHNS]You're having delusions of adequecy. I wouldn't dignify you with ->the lable "jester" or even "fool," for a jester's purpose is shed ->light on impassioned issues through intelligent satire, and a fool ->at least amuses his audience with his antics. You neither inform ->nor provide perspective, and do not amuse. Aidian: The above reply from RMOHNS is a good example of the collective court of targeted observation. The most appropriate way to illustrate how the court's observations are far more robust than your own is by comparing your styles to the movements of chess pieces during a game. RMOHNS resembles a Bishop, taking his pieces diagonally whereas you take other pieces horizontially. Your act of movement mimics the squareness of the "playing field" of the game, but RMOHNS usually does not. I say usually because your strenghs are identicial, but RMOHNS thinks in pryamid formats. Your thinking is totem-pole like. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JAN-1997 14:43:25 Subj: Re: The meaningless of the alternative.[CHESS ANALOGY #2] ->->->observing eachother; however, the gains of both would differ. In the words ->->->of Cervantes' Don Quixote, this is my quest, as you say, and the reigns ->->->of JLEE1 and colleagues are nothing more than so-called unbeatable foes. ->->->Yet, Don Quixote followed his own calling, his own destiny, and his ->->->own fate rather than be fucked by fooling the gods, and all worked out. ->-> ->->You're having delusions of adequecy. I wouldn't dignify you with ->->the lable "jester" or even "fool," for a jester's purpose is shed ->->light on impassioned issues through intelligent satire, and a fool ->->at least amuses his audience with his antics. You neither inform ->->nor provide perspective, and do not amuse. -> ->[RMACK1] -> I thought the Quixote reference was appropriate, tho. Ari's quixotic quest is ->to not be a moron. Soon he will hit the windmill of reality-- or vice-versa. Aidan: Another example from RMACK1, illustrating the flexibilty of the court's decisions. RMACK, to continue with the chess metaphor, is an example of the Knight, who usually jumps over other pieces. Knights come in handy for how they *define* the playing field more than their ability to capture other pieces. You'll see more players successfully deploying knights in positions which involve checkmate, or to trap the queen. RMACK has done this quite well with HSIMS, among others. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JAN-1997 14:43:34 Subj: Re: The meaningless of the alternative.[CHESS ANALOGY #3] ->->[CHAGELSTEIN]You have regular bouts of englightment, symptomatic displays ->->of platonicism, romanticized social value systems, and the ->->potential to be accepted as a regular member of Vax, rather ->->than the court jester, or fool, you have morphed into. Yet, -> ->[AHERZOG]As you can plainly see, it was Chris who started the thread that I ->was a fool or a jester. ->I merely reinforced his claim, however imbecilic in motive. Aidan: The above is a good example from AHERZOG which approximates the movement of a pawn on the chess board *for the wrong reasons.* Clever players will usually deploy their pawns to protect other pieces, or sacrifice them to launch a significant attack on an opponent. But Ari uses the pawn in the incorrect manner, usually sacrificing it without a prepared plan for attack, or using the pawn as an offensive piece. The court's minimal requirement is that players possess reasoning skills, which imply a rudimental understanding of their *oppenent's* reasoning. A pawn is not such a bad piece, and, in fact, if used sparingly, can ruin the other player's chance of victory. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JAN-1997 14:43:54 Subj: Re: The meaningless of the alternative.[CHESS ANALOGY #4] [Note: ALL CHESS POSTS FROM 12/96 in FLAME] ->-> [RMACK1] ->-> I think the relentless assault on Sims a few weeks back actually worked-- ->->thanks in LARGE part to Hagelstein's assistance. The Bulletin has enjoyed ->->over a week of low-Heather content. I can HEAR people's blood pressure ->->lowering... -> ->[SIMS] ->Yeah, right. Couldn't possibly have anything to do with that fact that I've ->been working full time at a job without a modem, teaching 10 classes a week, ->consulting five hours a week, going to Christmas parties, hanging out with ->my Sound Guy, doing Christmas shopping, and doing a zillion other things. -> ->Hate to burst your bubble, kiddies, but I've been too busy to play with you. ->No one drove me away. -> ->-> OK, and even AHERZOG! (too bad he can't read this.. heheh) -> ->Too bad you are wrong. Loser. Aidan: To continue with the chess example, you can see how the most powerful piece on the cheese board, the Queen, interacts with the other pieces. Like the pawn, the Queen becomes lost if used improperly. Moving all over the board without a pre-thought plan of attack will easily expose the Queen to capture, or at least entrapment, early on in the game. The court is, ironically, overly-aware of the Queen's movements and, at times, this causes them to relax their defense. However powerful and independent the Queen thinks of herself, she must constantly be on guard, for if she's taken, the game is over basically. This additional component limits her ingenuity is some ways. The court of targeted observation usually capitalizes on this weakness. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JAN-1997 20:30:48 Subj: Story time #2 of 2 LOVE_CHRIS Date: 21-DEC-1996 12:20 Expires: 25-DEC-1999 23:59 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Story time "The title of the story is 'Boring beginning, No conclusion'." my editor told me. I asked, "What kind of story is that?" He didn't reply immediately as he was in the midst of eating his corned beef sandwhich. But, he nodded his head up and down, indicating that when he was through, he would say something. The year was 1961. I was a employed as a reporter for the Boston Globe, working "the drift." The drift was a term used to describe the stories I covered in the area, mainly in the art scene. They included poetry readings, musical events, local writers or other artists. I worked the drift because that's where a lot of other reporters got their start. So I figured I would give it worth a shot. My boss was a good guy, and I really appreciated that he bought me lunch today since I didn't have any breakfast and I was starving. I had just finished my sandwhich, some kind of meat loaf grinder or whatever they called them in this place. The story he was about to tell me about was written by this guy that I was to write an article on. Some local guy of semi talent. Finally finishing up, washing down his chow with Coke, my editor wipped his chin with his sleve. He replied to my intial question by saying "Its not the story, but the actual way its published. You need a television screen to read it. There's no book, you know what I mean?" "Nah. Your kidding." "Nope. Its like you don't have a book that your holding, you read the story off of a TV screen." "What dumbass is going to read that?" "Yeah. That's what I said. It defintely drift, that's fer sure." he said, lifting a little piece of paper from his pocket. "But, whatever. Here's his address. He lives on Tremont. I gave him a call telling him that you'll be going over there right about this time. When your done, come back around four. We're having a meeting with Barbra Jetty." "Jetty? Why Jetty? I thought she went to Pittsburgh." "She went there only to cover the computer story. Anyway, she just wants more drift from you. That's what she told me. She feels that your not conveying enthusiasm in your pieces. Something like you don't really connect the reader with spirit of the stories you cover. You know what I mean?" "Nah. She doesn't understand. No one reading drift wants to know how the writer feels about the event. They just need to know whats going on, you know. Its a drift." "Yeah. I hear ya." After lunch, I walked to the guy's place, drinking a Coke with staw through the roof. The weather was pretty sunny, and I had put my shades on to cut the glare reflecting from the windows of the aparments and passing cars. I was wondering what type of story this guy wrote. I forgot whether it was a story about a guy who wrote stories in which you needed a tv set to read, or if the guy acutal wrote the stuff on tv sets. Whatever. I was curious about Jetty also. If her assessment of my ability to convey the "spirit" of drift becomes serious, I could be out of a job. Maybe if I jazzed this piece up, she would lay off. I stood in my black suit ringing the doorbell, imaging my convex distorted image of myself through the peephole on the other side of the door. It opened with the body of some oriental dame dressed up like a man, in a suit similar to my own. She was beautiful, tall, with jet black hear, wearing silver rings. Her fingernails were long and polished bubblegum pink. She asked in broken english "Who you see?" "I'm from the Globe. I'm here to see, uh...." I had forgotten this guy's name for a moment, and began searching my pockets for the piece of paper his name was written upon. Yet, without any hesitation, she had nodded affirmately and stepped back to allow me to enter. "We have expecting you." she said. The joint was incredibly unusual. My hostess led me down a number of hallways in which our bodies appeared to grow larger as the furniture, wall paintings and other fixtures grew smaller. And, eventually, we were crouching down a long hallway. I had spontaneously stated "this guy's sure weird," an observation I made out loud. The dame looked around at me with one of those wacked-out stares you see in old horror flicks, saying in reply to my observation: "He no 'guy'". "Well, apparently not" I suggested. We eventually came to this tiny door that I had to get on my hands and knees to enter. The dame stood behind me, encouraging me to go through like she was guiding a barn animal or something. Finally, I crawled. On the other side was looked like to be a perfectly painted grey room. Never before had I seen a grey room. It had four perfect walls. In the center stood a regular table, wood I imagined, since its appearance and shape led me to believe it was not otherwise. On the table was, to my astonishment, the "tv screen" that my boss was described. I guessed this was the device that the writer used to "publish" his stories upon. As I approached the screen, I noticed some language was already written on it. There was only one sentence written, which I read: "The title of the story is 'Boring beginning, No conclusion' my editor told me." From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JAN-1997 20:32:18 Subj: Re: celebration of Hagel-ness! #183 of 183 GENERAL Date: 1-JAN-1997 20:26 Expires: 29-JAN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Dear Mr. Hagelstein Recently, we weree informed of possible being investigated into charges of being nominated for Megalomaniacal delusionary activities. This includes attempting to mock references to yourself in typical paranormal writings, metaphorically engaging transitory states with Santa Claus and other fictional characters, identification crisis, institutional parodies, and logging in as President Traina. Our records indicate you lack cohesiv mental observation skills which preclude your involvement in various social activities, including, but not limited to, conversation, Ralphs, Jack's place, The Authorization, The Court of Targeted Observation,and the sweetest of all Muppets, Ari. You have illustrated a disregard of organized peer groups, and an unusual disdain for value systems. Your partial reliance on capitalism has ironically morphed into funglible vernacular perspectives which are unmarketable through tangible communication. Our committee has accessed a fee for penalties and charges which have accured since blantly abusing the opportunity to apply yourself within society. This fee is based upon a formula which is invented by yourself, intorverted, and basically is inapplicable to the focus of discourse engaged within the totalitarian government you identify as the soul. Therefore, you owe us infinity plus Mass sales tax of 5%. Please bear in mind, your existance is relative to the confines of your conciousness, and has not relevancy to our purposes as an institution; merely, we believe that when you are identified as a value system, your actual smmercenary potential is diluted by the filtration of dreams of reality as well as the abeyance of all property you consider necessary t sustain your worship. Although proper in abstract, youinvalidate yourself in same. Once again, thank your forapplication. We hereby grant you this portrayal in hopes of realizing the solitude of persistence and execution by language. Sincerely, Professor SuperEgo Director of Extracurriular Authorization Mirror Assination From: JACK::LJOHNSON Date: 6-JAN-1997 19:43:25 Subj: News Update Letters to the Editor, Worcester Telegram & Gazette, Jan. 7, 1997 To the Editor: Thank you for calling to our attention the upcoming unusual graduation event at Worcester's finest, Clark University. You failed to note that, in keeping with the momentous nature of the occasion, graduation has been rescheduled to coincide with Spree Day, a venerable Clark institution. The bride and groom will march to the platform to the music of Pomp and Circumstance, played by the renowned band 4 naught 6. President Traina will officiate. The couple will jump into a tub of jello after the ceremony. Many graduate students are rushing through their dissertations so that they can graduate a year before this unusual commencement. Others have changed their topic so that they can study the unique circumstances that have led to this event. Unfortunately, the Spree Day committee is still arguing over the food to be served at the reception. Rumor has it that they might not be invited. Congratulations on scooping the Scarlet, which has not published any information at all about Clark's pioneering spirit. Sincerely, A devoted Clarkie From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-JAN-1997 15:38:59 Subj: Re: News Update #174 of 174 GENERAL Date: 7-JAN-1997 15:24 Expires: 4-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: News Update ->Letters to the Editor, Worcester Telegram & Gazette, Jan. 7, 1997 -> ->To the Editor: -> ->Thank you for calling to our attention the upcoming unusual graduation ->event at Worcester's finest, Clark University. You failed to note ->that, in keeping with the momentous nature of the occasion, graduation ->has been rescheduled to coincide with Spree Day, a venerable Clark ->institution. Dear Mr. Johnson: It was a pleasure to learn of Clark University's decision to reschedule graduation during Spree day. As requested, please find enclosed the Application for Allegorical Ceremony (AAC) The AAC is used to obtain intangible funding for academic cultural events for underprivileged school administrators. Additionally, ever since the beginning of our business relationship with Clark, we have provided dialogue, metaphor and vernacular to the institutional community. You may utilize this value system for free, if you return the AAC by January 31, 1997. Once again, thank you for doing business with Academic Paranormal. We look forward to being of fashion to you in the future. Sincerely, Tony Catechism President Academic Paranormal telephone: 508-799-2918 telepathy: Ari Herzog From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-JAN-1997 15:39:56 Subj: Hello? May I have a conversation with extra cream? #41 of 44 RUMOR-MONGER Date: 7-JAN-1997 12:09 Expires: 21-JAN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Hello? May I have a conversation with extra cream? I was polishing my shoe nails this morning when I heard a rumor that I never possessed a telephone ---- that all calls I've been making and answering were actually inner conversations with myself. So what did I do? Dialed my own number. It worked! I asked for "Chris Hagelstein" and the person asked "May I ask who is calling?" When I said it was me, they hung up. -pawn takes rook From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 10-JAN-1997 18:29:29 Subj: News Updata #60 of 60 RUMOR_MONGER Date: 10-JAN-1997 15:28 Expires: 24-JAN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: News Updata Worcester Telepathy and Gazette January, 1997 In an unusual case before Worcester Regressive Court, two women are being held on charges of sarcastic socialization, reasoning without discourse, and possession of substantial parody with intent to fool, or, the well known drug of choice among Clarkies, Imaginary Cerebral Mystery (ICM). Similarly, their three unsuspecting male subtexts were easily written in. The two women, Cathy O'Brien and Jennifer Andreson provided their experiments with nametags, and served insinuation out of functional culinary equipment, which included Salad Bowl, Frying Pan and Cookie Sheet. Soda pop was also served in Prego Spagetti Sauce Jars. Professor Don Ralphs, in charge of the investigation, described the scene as "a mockery of men, their overextended egos and fascination with appetite as a symbol of virility. I've never seen anything like it before in my life." The weapons were used to cull communication and academic patois from the men, in order to study their behavoir in a non-sexual-pig environment. One man, who was identified as "Napolean" by his nametag and his ruling over the publication, Wheatbread, consumed a great deal of time discussing war video games. These games, including Boom and Pomegranate, acted as an effective narcotic which put the dinner guests to sleep, except for Adian Reynolds. Reynolds never bluffed. Later on, Napolean was seemingly engaged in matrimonial harmony with one of the women suspects. Witnesses also claim he was forced to recite to her the calulation of pi as a precondition of his release. However, by the end of the evening, he was found face down, on the floor next to Obrien's feet. He had on an impressive kaleidoscopical sweater when he fell asleep, which fashion experts agree could have been too much to wear seriously anyway. Another victim of the bizarre crime, "The Conversation Man", was found with lack of sufficent attention all over his body, including mismanaged topical information. Apparently, he was unable to convey a meaning suitable to a peer circle, and ultimately was forced to refer to the dialogue as it occured around him. After being exposed to mysterious phone calls and downloaded sound files from the internet, the Conversation Man was found gagged by amusement and an unforgettable story line. The women also took advantage of another male guest's hokey stream of vernacular, identified as the so called "Elizabeth Man", based upon the theory that all men are predominately a sexual condition of their relationships, not independent of them. The Elizabeth Man was tortured by questions and his own explanations, therefore. Later, he was tricked into another one of Obrien's choregraphical goals: a hallucinary pinball arcade. He was told to walk aimlessly around components of discussion with a pocketful of self-relflective tokens. His value system eventually went into parenthetical shock. Unfortunately, his ability to speaketh ad nauseam was unaffected. Defense attornies for the two women expect to argue that they were protecting themselves from boredom and conventional role-playing by initiating the bizarre dinner party and get-together. "Besides, the alleged victims are known to indulge in their delightful assumptions and opinions in the company of many women, regardless of forum" defense attorney Juanita Juanita Juanita, Baby, stated. Further, experts believe the women maintained full authorship over the event, precluding the victims' rights as members of a conversation. The trial is expected to continue without a conclusion in the near future. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-JAN-1997 02:08:49 Subj: Re: Bunny Band #36 of 36 RALPHS Date: 12-JAN-1997 01:30 Expires: 26-JAN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Bunny Band ->Remember to bring your lucky rabbit's foot. I brought an oven mitt instead. No luck. From: JACK::AREYNOLDS Date: 13-JAN-1997 01:28:05 Subj: RE: Aargh #26 of 26 CIRCUMSTANTIAL-CELIBACY Date: 12-JAN-1997 23:20 Expires: 26-JAN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Aargh. ->->I think I'm getting used to this Celibacy thing. In fact, I kind of think I ->->like it. -> ->You know, denial is the biggest river in Egypt. i've learned to swim. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JAN-1997 01:27:57 Subj: Re: Aargh #29 of 29 CIRCUMSTANTIAL-CELIBACY Date: 14-JAN-1997 00:18 Expires: 28-JAN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Aargh. ->->->->I think I'm getting used to this Celibacy thing. In fact, I kind of ->->->->think I like it. ->->-> ->->->You know, denial is the biggest river in Egypt. ->-> ->->i've learned to swim. -> ->with floaties or on your own?? There are no floaties in the Tunnel of Love, baby. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 15-JAN-1997 14:31:49 Subj: University decries "Telekinetic Journalism" #168 of 168 GENERAL Date: 15-JAN-1997 08:59 Expires: 12-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: University decries "Telekinetic Journalism" New York Post January 15, 1997 Clark University, an idyllic industrial institution in Massachusetts, has been feasted upon by the hungry popular press, following reports that one of its control representatives, Mr. Harold Wingod, wrongly interfered with a campus-affliated publication, Wheatbread, from being displayed in a peculiar manner. Allegedly, on October 23th, 1996, hundreds of copies of the alternative school newspaper were seen floating through classrooms and hallways, sailing across school grounds, scattered in the air, and defying gravity on university property. A cluster of the newspapers appeared to form an arrow formation, pointing south towards Moynihans, floating 20 feet above Red Square. When students began to follow the arrow, Wingod quickly notified administrative police to quell the possible melee. "We have prevented the spread of this telekinectic journalism from infecting the student body, which is good for the school." Wingod declared. Reeves Yormon, Head of Cerebral Plant, was ordered to chase the flying copies of the newspaper at the beginning of the crisis. "It was like raking leaves in mid air, rather than on the ground," Yormon explained. "We went out there with our nets and Hefty bags and simply got the stuff as it drifted by and bagged it as best we could." Along with Clark's visionary future, Worcester Public Words department was also called to the scene to join the quorum. Napolean Randy Mack, Commander-in-Chief of Wheatbread, has claimed no wrongdoing. "Our printer dropped off 500 copies at Grind Central."he described. "Then I watched as the newspapers started to float around the area soon afterwards, without my consent. I couldn't believe my eyes. It even swept up my roommate along with them." Mack's roommate, Radiant Reynolds, was later retrieved from atop a MacDonalds restaurant, sustaining only minor illusions to his glowing self-esteem. However, the actions Clark took to clean up its alternative journalistic mess are now being met with harsh criticism from newspapers across the country, most notably the Boston Globe. "I remember when I was at U Mass working for our alternative newspaper", recalled, Horance Tellawhat of The Globe, "they [school adminstrators] combed our offices for metaphorical references [syntactical drugs] that we had defined for university policies [encoded pogroms]. The same thing has now happened at Clark. I think they're trying to eradicate an alternative publication merely because the issues floated around the school area." Tellawhat recounts the recent presidential inauguration, where millions of dollars was seen drifting over the white house. Even though the sight drew national criticism, the protection afforded by a variety of constitutional rights canonized Washington's odd celebration event as "creative expression." Tellawhat added, "if the governemnt can express themselves with taxpayers' dollars, why can't an alternative school newspaper do the same with their parents' dollars?" Self-Inflicted Value Systems, a group of educational interlocutors, disagrees. Orla Pizak, President of SIVS, says, " In a university environment, all forms of communication must be endowed by erudite concensus, and grounded in reality. Otherwise, the signifier is lost during floatation, as in Wheatbread's case, and replaced by rendering the experience through a less trustworthy medium, like this one you're now reading." Pizak is expected to give a full report when she returns back to her planet Pluto next week. Mack, meanwhile, is expected to be arraigned this afternoon on charges of publication without artistic license, a felony, and two charges of posturing as a future Dean of his school. Meanwhile, Clark University issued a statement saying they will take action themselves, by having Wingod enrolled in expectation training for 6 weeks. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 15-JAN-1997 14:45:49 Subj: Re: Cathy rumor #99 of 100 RUMOR-MONGER Date: 15-JAN-1997 09:40 Expires: 14-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Cathy rumor ->->->Rumor has it that Cathy is a non-practicing schizophrenic ->->->and is developing an alternate personality, named Adele. Cathy is a pinball wizard at conversation, winning free games. ->Hey! ->I'm a goddamn Rook! I rule the board! I strike out horizontally, ->deliberately taming up with my other rook to sweep power across the board. ->I'm fast, smart, dangerous, and the half of the most important pair of peices ->on the board! The rook is a clumsy piece which gets in the way of other pieces and its own. Its value is merely symbolic of earlier days when chivalry was fashionable. The game is played differntly nowadays, Aidan. Your arsenal of dialect dissapoints me. ->Cris is a King. He's slow, stupid, and valuable only because if you threaten ->him and he can't move out of it, you win. There is no capture. That's untrue. I walk around Worcester wearing a crown and carrying a bag full of gold bullion estimated to be worth approximately 1 million coppies of Wheatbread. I pose as a significant treat for photolinguistic cameras. The pictures taken of me appear in chess games all over history. From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 15-JAN-1997 14:56:19 Subj: Sybolcide [from the HAGELSTEIN archives] Date: 26-FEB-1996 23:18 Expires: 12-MAR-1996 ANNOYING-MOOSES From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Sybolcide Dear Superintendent: Please be advised the option excerised to erect a foolish Pee-Wee Herman playhouse on Woodland street has expired several years ago. However, our task force has discovered recent evidence of a silly looking pink and yellow house with highly trained construction workers preparing the nest egg for Chief of Education on said street. We expect you to follow through with the very cute experiment by abiding by the following university conventions. 1) All professors of the social science shall don orange frock coats, oversized floppy shoes and a cherry-ball on their noses. 2) Regular rites of acknowledge expressed daily from individuals house in the English and Philosphy houses, tossing charms, coins and bagels towards the adorable house of Higher Administration. 3) Liquidation of all university investments in stocks, bonds and other instruments to invest in contructing a man made river underneath Woodland street, complete with a Jade garden, gold-fish and mermaids in order to attract scholars and mildly interested professors to Clark. 4) Increasing Grounds staff, through increased tuition, to plant more trees, tulips and foliage, and dance with roses, handing out university promotional videos to visitors. A surcharge is being assessed to property taxes paid by Clark University until the above conditions are met. As you know, living happily ever after has a cosmetic social cost, to be born, by observation. From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 15-JAN-1997 14:58:24 Subj: Hobbling Bourgeois Acrobaticaly Utterless and Full of Muel Date: 5-MAR-1996 21:11 Expires: 19-MAR-1996 ANNOYING_MOOSES From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Hobbling Bourgeois Acrobaticaly Utterless and Full of Muel CONCEITED MASTABATORY VERBIL ROULETTE WHEEL: Someone loving their own propaganda, going in circles like a gerbil, hoping youUll bet on their idealism. INSTITUTIONAL COLONIALISM: Educational pharmacies (Higher learning facilities) turned into capitalistically driven international corporations with the goal of deculturalization ADVERTISING BARK SAP: One who espouses their CONCEITED MASTABATORY VERBIL ROULETTE WHEEL while colonizing a brand new essay. HUMAN RECOGNIATION OFFICERS: These are surgical communication translators who indentify motivated employ ees for cloning into automons, while exterminating all non-essential individual expression. Humans are indentified as appropriate devices for cloning, individuals are executed. OFFICE OF MEDIATRICS: Organizations involved in the barter, sale and distribution of journalism sponsored by clientsU ADVERTISING BARK SAP in order to cure idealogical hypocrisies using communication instruments in an ideal medical enviornment. GINGERBREAD HOUSE OF EDUCATION: Located on Woodland Street, across from English House and Philosphy House, ironically. From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 15-JAN-1997 15:02:06 Subj: Woodland Street=Candyland [from the HAGELSTEIN archives] Date: 10-FEB-1996 08:55 Expires: 24-FEB-1996 ANNOYING_MOOSES From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Description: Woodland Street=Candyland Is that a Gingerbread house or Traina's living quaters? Thanks for making a liberal arts college some tacky architects' vision. Are architects today using gameboards as inspiration? Another thing I'm having an Au Bon Pain-In-The-Ass about: If educational institutions are for-profit institutions, then call them that; therefore, Clark Corporation. Let students purchase stock in the corporation, so, if the school gouges for tuition, etc., and profits, the students profit also. Students then can become market makers for their own stock they own, and gain, ironically, the eduational benefits of communication, finance and organization. Instead, I have to beef my jerkey at the Gingerbread house. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 16-JAN-1997 07:26:58 Subj: Dear Mr. Existentialist FROM: JACK::COBRIEN Date: 15-JAN-1997 22:46:09 Subj: Existential nectar for Mr. Hagelstein Dear Mr. Hagelstein, We hereby request that you bring general conversation tactics, a horticultural mechanicism resembling Radiant Reynolds' better side and your finest bottle of flavored fermentation to the unified gathering of socialitiness to be held on the rooftop of 924 Main Street at our earliest convienience. Due to the metaphysicality of the said arrangements, we will further request that you clad yourself in appropriate dinnerware. This time we would appreciate it if you do not wear knives on your eyebrows. Please notify us of your alleged response to our circumstantial invitation. Please be advised that we are two women armed with conversation techniques. Thank you very much. Sincerely, HaRR-Riet From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 16-JAN-1997 19:09:45 Subj: Re: Existential nectar for Mr. Hagelstein #105 of 108 RUMOR-MONGER Date: 16-JAN-1997 07:02 Expires: 15-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Existential nectar for Mr. Hagelstein Dear Informative Party of Two Women: Recently, I received an application requestion less slovenly behavoir, conversation tactics and motion to engage in dialogue. The second sentence of this paragraph is merely evidence of the type of information that is typical of a "Dear Mr. Hagelstein Letter" that one would reply to, include myself, who has been granted permission to possess the mind of Mr. Hagelstein in order to comply with your request. Dear Mr. Hagelstein: Please find enclosed information regarding our discussion related to the conversation as stated above, initiated by the Party of Two Women, Harriet and Greek Dame. They apparently confisicated your Dear Mr. Hagelstein Letter, processed mocketh observations, graciously institutionalized language structure, and uncovered the abject enthusiasm found in cover letters, marketing material and the usual discursive elements in which they are spawned: peer circles, social agreements, contractual arrangements. Thank you, Mr. Hagelstein, for scripting your reply in the way your Mr. Dear Existentialist respondee requested. As a token of our appreciation, please find enclosed the usual demand for high fathomless reasoning which typifies the Dear Mr. Lost Signfier often accompanied by text. Sincerely, Chairman of Authorization,Integer and Director of Socially Incomplete Discussionary Associates. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 16-JAN-1997 22:24:11 Subj: Heated game #13 of 15 POKER Date: 16-JAN-1997 21:12 Expires: 30-JAN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Heated game Dear Club Members: As I sit back in my diamond chair, overseeing world capital, with two buxom ladies, one redhead, one sandy brown, serviing me meats , fruits, and vegtables, I will remeber those heated games of poker we played. In heaven, they don't play card games anymore. Ramblers we are not. Rulers, we are. We're all in separate jobs and families now. Goldstein, famous nucelear scienstist at Mount Holly, won the nobel peace prize for building portable time machines. Won of my slaves bought one, and I haven't seen her since. Nice job, Jon! After all the times we woke up Jack, he's now a famous photographer. After his famous Paris showing, he was able to marry into a wealthy family and jet around the world. Ah, the cities! London, Tokyo, Milan, Los Angeles! And the harem of vivacious nordic women that accompanied him. As for Prutt Sun, he's running a little establishment called "Dogbar", serving the spirits of entertainment and companionship that has nurtured our Dionysian exploits. May the merry mamonth man be well this holiday season. Sincerely, Dear Mr. Hagelstein: Enclosed is a future rendition of written allegorical structure faithfully portraying the illusion of wealth and massive power. After reviewing the submitted application, we have concluded that the above-referenced piece entitled "Heated Game" did not match the intended documentation you sought to provide. Dear Mr. Hagelstein: This paragraph refers to the previous one entitled "Dear Mr. Hagelstein" in which you depict the image of yourself within a critical amendment. This second sentence, which is typical of a "Dear Mr. Existentialist" previously deconstructed, excluding the next paragraph: Dear Ms. Obrien: We thank you for enacting the Dear Mr. Hagelstein parody method of writing. Several members of our association have been intrigued by the unusual lifeless quality of language composed by living people, and had contacted Mr. Hagelstein regarding this unfortunate reality. We are sorry to report that Mr. Hagelstein materialized into a synthetical opportunity with another organization, and was unable to respond to our requests.... ...except via telephone, which ultimately interferred with his communication. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 16-JAN-1997 22:25:35 Subj: Names #15 of 15 POKER Date: 16-JAN-1997 22:14 Expires: 30-JAN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Names Ramblers, For now on, we're going to be called by nicknames. Nobody is allowed to give their real name during the game. Jonathan, your name is "Mr. Right" Jack, your name is "Mr. Cool" My name is "Mr. Clean" Patt is "Mr. Bush" Spelman goes by the name "Mr. Long" Randy, your name is "Mr. Chips" Aidan, your name, of course, is "Mr. Bluff" Fittlejohn, your name is "Mr. Rich" Wasserman's name is "Mr. Calm" Megan's name is "Ms. Lady" Maurry (sp?)' name is "Mr. No Show" Rachel Eisnor's name is "Mrs. Herzog" From: OLLIE::COBRIEN Date: 18-JAN-1997 19:45:44 Subj: Series 6 From: IN%"chagelstein@clarku.edu" 18-JAN-1997 17:38:35.69 To: IN%"COBRIEN@clarku.edu" "Hariet" Subj: RE: Address correction requested Dear Mr. Heffern: Thank you for your letter as of Sat, 18 Jan 1997 regarding the possessed similarity, and increased abilities, of your industrial language composition to a typical "Dear Mr. Hagelstein" letter, which has been forwarded to your firm on numerous occassions. Several of my associates have notified my conciousness to comply with your requests stated in your communique. You will find enclosed an invoice for our services, payable over the next several thousand years. Argumentative discussions..........$Value-System comparisons. This first item has not, as of this date, been accessed a per value-system unit value. As you are well aware, our organization conducts relevancy tests on most forms of dialogue. Any argumentative form has some trace value, but lacks conclusive worth. Idolization of several individuals.......$Temporal Opportunity The second item under consideration contains certain costs borne by explicit enjoyment of their company, whereas any investment in their relationship is duly contracted on a pro-forma basis. However, we regret that a significant degree of social interaction is necessary until costs have been satisfied. With your client, Ms. Obrien, this particular cost has provided the best form of dividend return, with adequate cash control vernacular stated by her mocketh portrayal of Exhibited Dear Mr. Hagelstein Letter (enclosed.). Loss of hair........................$age 32 The third item depicts the identity of Mr. Hagelstein in his physical appearance, except for certain paranormal manifestations of his psyche. Although quite unusual for man his age, vanity costs has been controlled by an overextended ego and elite conversation tactics. Unfortunately, this information cannot be verified by isolation: only within peer arrangements, one will discover, as a natural course of their listening, the exact meaning Mr. Hagelstein is trying to convey. On Sat, 18 Jan 1997, Hariet wrote: > Dear Mr. Hagelstein, > It has come to the attention of our offices that you have been > participating in argumentative discussions, idolization of several individuals > as well as hair removing activities. It is hereby advised that you refrain > from involving yourself in said activities as they will inevitably result in > the loss of more of your hair. > The parties involved would like to assure you that they are quite > appreciative of your person and your conversation but they are becoming > fearful that you may possess alternate intent which may prove detrimental both > to you and to a variety of farm animals that are presently mulling around the > situation as well as the barn. The animals and the people are remaining > conscisnce of your emotional states and advise you that you will notice no > negative adjustments in implied relationships. > Please disregard any mocketh similarities you may find this letter to > possess to your own writing style. And please keep in mind that imitation is > the sincerest form of flattery. > Thank you very much for your time and communication abilities. > We look forward to seeing you this evening at the gathering in honor of Mr. > Dunn. We look forward to discussing the alleged assurances indicated in your letter, as well as the gracious appreciation bestowed thus far. The intention of our organization is to provide quality friendship and ultimate satisfaction, for our clients. In the event said satisifaction is unattainable, a full refund shall be provided upon receipt of general language barrier skills, available from most hidden agenda outlets. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to be of service to your understanding. Further, our telephone calls to your offices today were not adequetely provided an answering device suitable for leaving auditory deposits to your account. Upon completetion of this inner conversation session related to you, my supervisor will promptly redial himself in order to obtain use of your telephonic attention. Sincerely, Ms Victorial Yorman Special Assistant to Mr. Hagelstein Cheif Ordinary. > Sincerely, > Myles P. Heffernan > Executive Vice-President > Office of Internal Communiactions From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 19-JAN-1997 01:05:49 Subj: Rob Mohns: Need Advice on Wardrobe #47 of 47 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 18-JAN-1997 21:00 Expires: 1-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Rob Mohns: Need Advice on Wardrobe Listen, kid. I have problems dressing like a girl sometimes, so somebody said I could ask you some private things. Hee. Hee. Bras. How much do they hold? Where do they go? Are panty hose acceptable or opaque tights? How about breath mints? How about that unsightly penis hanging out? What do I do what that thang? Dang nabbit! I got a Biggie! Oh Boy! I better not do this after all. Okay, well, uh, I don't know much else about being lady like. You know what I'm talking about? Huh, what do I do during period time? Should I do what you do and put cotton balls near my regular balls? -Bunny From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 19-JAN-1997 21:14:08 Subj: Re: Series 6 The following is provided merely for reasons of curiousity for Hagelmack fans: The "Series 6" is a securities licensing exam I passed in 1992, to market mutual funds, Tax-sheltered annuities, (including variable and fixed-rate). Parts of the exam was legal-speak/ institutional language, that most of you are familar with in the "Dear Mr. Hagelstein" parodies. I assume your fan named this post Series 6 based upon the formalities imposed on communication structures. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-JAN-1997 02:04:33 Subj: Description header #124 of 130 RUMOR-MONGER Date: 19-JAN-1997 21:28 Expires: 18-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Description header Wingood comes to Ralphs disguised as Don. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-JAN-1997 05:33:20 Subj: Introduction FROM: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-JAN-1997 05:19:57 Subj: Introduction FROM: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-JAN-1997 05:17:41 Subj: Re: Chris Hagelstein: literary genius -> This is a copy-stuff-here-only folder to celebrate Clark's only major ->literary figure, Christopher Hagelstein, class of '87 or so. -> -> I will begin with copying his recent masterpieces here. I have a few older ->ones stored away somewhere, including WheatBread's computer, so those will be ->here shortly. If you have any of Hagel's work from the past, please copy it ->here. -> -> And if you see a new masterpiece by him, copy it here first. (It would be nice ->to include the full header info, so we know when and where it was first ->posted (just copy & paste it)) -> -> Enjoy, all! The HAGELMACKS-GENUS folder is a morph between Hagelmans-Genius folder and Randy Mack's own catagorial selection of posts by the above-referenced alumni. The intent of this folder is to critique Mack's editorial reasoning for selected posts authored by the above-referenced alumni, which were posted in Hagelmans-Genius folder. I will begin with this reply to his introduction found in HAGELMANS-GENIUS in this folder first, then forward a copy to of this Introduction to HAGELMACKS-GENUS to HAGELMANS-GENIUS. Do you understand? If you find anything interesting in HAGELMANS-GENUIS which was reposted by Randy, please post in HAGELMACKS-GENUS folder for a complete explanation from Chris or Randy. Have fun! From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 21-JAN-1997 00:34:36 Subj: WHEATGATE: Trustee Threatens to Cut Funds Over WheatBread Issue #74 of 74 GENERAL Date: 5-NOV-1996 16:59 Expires: 3-DEC-1996 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Description: WHEATGATE: Trustee Threatens to Cut Funds Over Wheatbread Issue The investigation related to the removal and disposal of 500 copies of Wheatbread's "Scarlet" has yielded unusual evidence of possible sabotage. In a recent tape-recorded telephone conversation, submitted by an anonymous Scarlet staff-editor to University police, a member of the Clark University Board of Trustees had threatened Harold Wingood, Dean of Admissions, with reducing funds appropriated to the University Partnership Campus School if "Wheatbread made its way anywhere near that Grind [Central] place." The alleged telephone conversation took place during the late morning of October 23, hours before Wheatbread's parody issue of the Scarlet disappeared from campus. They were soon discovered after editor-in-chief of Wheatbread, Randy Mack, retrieved them from a nearby recycling bin (believing the culprits were at least environmentally-responsible.) However, on October 24, one day before the Trustees' appeared at Grind Central to disseminate institutional colonialism, the 500 issues disappeared a second time. They had been found covered with some type of liquid, in which one Worcester Bartender identified as "some type of cheap beer, possibility Golden Anniversary." Chef of Universal Control Inspection, Park Johnson, who is cooking the initial investigation, refused to indentify the caller. He said, "The caller seemed to possess confidential financial information about UPCS, but we are, at this time, calling it the work of a prankster. A couple of the [budget] numbers were totally off-base, yet the caller's method of haggling was genuine." As a result of these tactics, Wingood agreed, on behalf of Clark, to accept the full amount of funding that UPCS was entitled to only if all 500 copies of Wheatbread were removed from the Grind Central area before their tri-annual meeting. Otherwise, if any Trustees noticed copies of Wheatbread, the amount of funding for UPCS would be halved. Senior Financial Commanders at Clark, however, indicate that these types of conversations constitute normal business practice, especially since Clark's sanctity as a private institution nullifies any ethical responsibilities to its community. Further, it was discovered that students in general are unable to reach independent conclusions after reading alternative publications, and Clark officials agreed that Wheatbread represented a significant threat to the status quo. Also, University Administrative Officers accused a cute little kitty cat for posturing as the rogue University Trustee. The cat is owned by Mack, and goes by the name, 'Spinoza.' After the announcement, Spinoza issued a statement through his ower, claiming his ability to "negotiate with living human beings are overblown". However, Chef of Historical Proselytization, Frolly Goatwinkle, downplays the Spinoza connection, thinking the cat is being used as a straw man. "Its fairly obvious that Clark wants to pin this one on Randy's cat, in order to further complicate Spinoza Publications' and Wheatbread's ability to receive student Council funding, and ultimately erase Wheatbread's affiliation with Clark." In other news, approximately $300,000 is "missing" from the 96-97 Clark Fiscal budget. The Wheatbread issue, however, was not cited as one of contributing factors to this deficit. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-JAN-1997 01:34:04 Subj: Story Solubility I got up this morning and looked at my pen which was on my table next to a pad of paper. I said, "I think I can write a boring story in which no one would read." I sat down and started to think. I did not think that hard. The words started to come out about Something Which Happened. As I began writing, I started to think a little bit. Then I had to get up. Then I came back to the table with the pen and the pad next to it. I did not read the words I wrote, but imagined someone *else* reading them, and thought about what it would sound like from someone else's perspective when they read about Something Which Happened, in which I wrote. I said to myself, "It would not matter *what* I wrote because nobody would read it." It would not matter if there was no purpose or topic either. As long as I wrote about what Happened in my story, the act of reading about it would make it irrelevant, and quickly forgotten. I knew most stories had some point, and most expressions had some intention. And most people had something to say, or Something Which Happened to them. I figured out that if I could also write Something Which Happened, maybe it would have a point, or a purpose. At least there was a point to me what Happened when I wrote it. That it was Something other than what was happening was refreshing and made me say to myself: "I'll write a story about not anything in particular, just about Something Which Happened." As I got tired, I said, "I could end this story, and nobody would know what Happened." The end. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JAN-1997 18:02:39 Subj: Re: Tell me agasin... #95 of 97 CIRCUMSTANTIAL-CELIBACY From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Tell me agasin.... ->Okay...here's the situation...haven't actually had sex with the Life has to be treated as an open-ended experience. If the guy is hitting on you, and you'd like to sex him up, but your being blocked buy this marriage thingy-questions, then you have to practice "override." Override is where you want to do something so much, but the issue dwells in confusion the longer it remains unattended. The issue is not the lust factor, but the override factor. This reason alone is an obligation on your part. The "open-ended" experience means that the ultimate consequences you are considering, some type of fear, must be actualized in order to bear their reasoning out. I would feel bad for the husband's wife, but any man who cheats (or woman) has already factored this behavoir between themselves and their primary relationship. The primary relationship is resonsible for protecting themselves from emotional/romanic trysts of thier lover with other lovers. Otherwise, they are able to sustain their counterparts behavoir. In other words, you should emerse yourself in the passion because the guy has implicitly segrated himself from his wife already. If you won't fall into that emotional coffee grinder, so much the better. -Mr. Poker From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-JAN-1997 00:21:28 Subj: Re: BUDGET PROCESS MEETINGS #262 of 273 GENERAL Date: 24-JAN-1997 18:37 Expires: 21-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: BUDGET PROCESS MEETINGS ->The Budget Process for student organizations is coming soon. There will ->be two meetings taking place so that the process for this year may be ->explained to organizations. The meetings will be taking place on ->Thursday January 30th at 7:00pm and Friday January 31st at 3:00pm, both ->in the Grace Conference Room. IT IS MANDATORY THAT EACH ORGANIZATION ->SEND A REPRESENTATIVE TO ONE OF THESE MEETINGS!! See you then. ->Rob Leeman ->Chair, CUSC Budget Committee The Integration of Various Processes is expected to organize a Virtual Student Body which will occupy all real-time students on campus. There will be two experiments conducted so that the processes for this year may be presented to the Organized Academic Control Surveillance Committee. The experiments will be actualized by the attending virtual student body by temporally ihabitating real tuition-paying students. The times for these various experiments have been mentioned above, taking place in our Creator's Gracious Conference Room, above the Eating and Breathing Rooms. IT IS MANDATORY THAT EACH REPRESENTAIVE MOCK EACH OTHER IN ONE OF THESE EXPERIMENTS!! See you then. Mr. HaRRiet Jr. Chairlord Earl Grey Teabag From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-JAN-1997 00:26:46 Subj: Re: First move #87 of 105 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 24-JAN-1997 18:58 Expires: 7-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: First move ->What's the best way to make the first move? Is it better to ask someone out ->outright, or hint that you are interested and see where it leads? Some openers: "Hi, I was wondering if you would look at me while I change in the dressing room." "HI there. Would you hold me still? I'm about to have one of my epileptic fits over you." "Hi. I happened to notice your manliness, and I thought you may want someone to flirt with." "Hi, fella. Sure looks like you need your cock sucked! Where you from?" Hi. Nice eyes you have. Where you get them? "Excuse me, I'm looking try to get rid of that guy over there. Can you just kiss me so he'll think your my boyfriend?" ""Hi. You look good enough for me. When was the last time you got laid?" From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-JAN-1997 00:28:51 Subj: Re: First move (2) #97 of 105 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 25-JAN-1997 11:33 Expires: 8-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: First move ->->What's the best way to make the first move? Is it better to ask someone out ->->outright, or hint that you are interested and see where it leads? -> ->I prefer to charm the female into making the first move. Unfortunately ->most are not confident enough to, so I usually assume the responsibility. ...and obviously you fail, Fittlejohn. Try some of my moves. Bring barbells and furniture to clubs and bars and lift them in front of intended ladyfolk. Stuff your Wallet with hundreds of one dollar bills. Load raw appliances and credit card applications into a large hose stocking and recite constitutional amendments. Tape record goose and frog noises on various audio equipment and play it back for them, especially during love-making sessions. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 28-JAN-1997 12:09:51 Subj: I'm sorry for getting your attention #290 of 292 GENERAL Date: 27-JAN-1997 23:18 Expires: 24-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: I'm sorry for getting your attention I would like to know in this General Folder if it is possible to have an opinion on the favorite types of FOOD allowed to be SERVED to Randy Mack. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 30-JAN-1997 12:04:12 Subj: Re: I am happy! #109 of 110 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 30-JAN-1997 05:08 Expires: 13-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: I am happy! -> Okay, Mike-D is back in action. I just want to say thank you very much ->for those whole truly do care about me. I love you all. I swear as God as my ->witness I will never will be lonely again. Thank you, thanks you, alll!! Kiss, ->kiss, hug, hug, realtionships might suck, but that doesn't not mean the rest ->of the world does. (Yeah, wright) Dear Mike, Thanks for the flowers this morning, and the roasted marshmellows left between my sleeping thighs. That was such a sweet little thing you did. I loved last night. Your big kisses and spreading me around in froggy juice. your slobbering act of love still smells like kitchen stew on my body. Just writing these words I sigh at the places you are spreading your seed now. That's why I'm writing this letter to tell you I can never see you again. Even though last night was fun, I'm getting this odd feeling your telling the whole world how happy you are. I can't think of anything which is more stupid or lame. You see, Mike, the world sucks, and people who try to make it better by TALKING about it, then it sucks more. I think I could have had some more good times with you if you only realized this. But see, I was just using your dumb ass to sex my body up. you can come over and pick up your relevance that you left here, too, when you get a chance. You may need it in the future. Love, Porky Hairy Beast From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-FEB-1997 12:43:20 Subj: Re: Remember When.. #296 of 296 GENERAL Date: 1-FEB-1997 08:29 Expires: 2-MAR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Remember When.. ->Remember when...the GENERAL Folder on the Bulletin was about useful ->information going on on campus? Your right. Shall I begin posting my bathroom schedule again? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-FEB-1997 12:46:30 Subj: Fellows, representatives, Mocketh-de-Mackething supporters #30 of 31 POKER Date: 1-FEB-1997 08:58 Expires: 15-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Fellows, representatives, Mocketh-de-Mackething supporters It was very fruitful reading to observe interesting perpections on the crass behavior alleged at the grossest of all poker game, "Ego Flush." Ego Flush is a poker game among several men who crave the risk of differing thoughts and beliefs without subjecting them to the scrutity of socially-assimilated ideas. The accusation that the poker participants are gross, lewd and lacivinous, dreks that propagated by callous ministers of value-systems who preach system-order. In Ego Flush, their butts would loose immediately. Ego Flush, the guy with the biggest balls relative to their head nuts wins the game. Each player shows up and displays disproportionate claims about their visibilty and popularity among womenfolk. The biggest buffon bets first. Then a round of betting follows, where each players spits and drinks beer and ignores all the "fuck yous" being tossed around like snotty. The betting stops when unbelivable beauty awe strikes participants; I'm not talking about fairies or angels or anything like that, just a break from the criss-clash of jutting heads and smarty-pants. The guy who is most humbled by their experience at Poker wins. In actually, Maurry (sp?), you've been winning at the Game called NO-SHOW. But this week, i won. Ramblers, in the game of Poker, everybody wins at the game of Ego Flush. Except Bluffer types. They get their asses put in stuffed mushrooms as an appetizer. I'm no Frenchy, but I hear that stuff ain't the male textual plot its cooked up to be. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 4-FEB-1997 22:47:21 Subj: Re: ELECTRONIC DESK DIARY #292 of 294 GENERAL Date: 4-FEB-1997 17:36 Expires: 5-MAR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: ELECTRONIC DESK DIARY ->Multifunctional mini appliance, does your calculating, stores your telephone ->numbers and addresses, keeps a schedule book, etc., etc. $35 or b/o. E-mail ->REISNER. Will it transform dreams into reality? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 4-FEB-1997 22:48:24 Subj: Re: We love you, Maurry! #38 of 38 POKER Date: 4-FEB-1997 18:35 Expires: 18-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: We love you, Maurry! ->I deleted a bunch here. -> ->->->A short, balding, old guy (sp?) ->-> ->-> I thought the short, balding old guy was Hagel. Now I'm confused... -> ->Actually Hagel and I are one in the same person. Have you not noticed that ->both of us do not appear at the poker game on the same night? -> ->When we appear as Hagel, we look younger, but balder. When we appear as ->Maurry(sp?), we have a little more hair, but look quite a bit older. Actually ->one can tell that we are the same person by observing closely the same poor ->poker playing ability. We are undergoing some tough times now as we are having ->an internal struggle trying to determine which one of us is the evil twin. It gets even more complicated than this. When I pick up the phone to dial someone, instead of a dial tone, I get maurry [sic] who answers, saying "hello?". And everytime Maurry [sic] picks up the phone, I think my own phone is ringing, so I pick up and answer, saying "hello". Then, simultaneously, we both utter, "WHO IS THIS?" And because we know each other, *but do not know each other's purpose* the effect of our asking who we are *to each other* effectively ERASES our intial question of *WHO WE ARE* and immediately telephone calls into question out ACTUAL, as opposed to POTENTIAL, identity. Because it *TELEPHONE CALLS* the question rather than call into question INTERNALLY, we are both FORCED to believe we are not each other, but rather a fictional "self". Therefore, a chain reaction occurs whereas we repeatedly make telephone calls saying "hello" to OURSELVES without ever know WHO WE ARE INTERNALLY. But we know who the other person is without us, ironically, becuase that is the answer to the question posed to us. In order to fully comprehend this unusual phenomena , please follow the instructions below. 1. Sit upon hamburger patties while typing the words "hamburger patties" on 1000 Keno cards in front of a large Dollar-Sign Shaped Mirror. If this is too time consuming, simply construct metaphorical obstacles to pleasantly interfere with world domination. 2. Say the words "I am a phone" before nappy-poo 3. Fill your mouth with worms and stand on your head. 4. Ask the bartender to hold you up for money. If you have any further questions regarding this matter, or merely want to chat, I can be reached twenty-four hours a day in the historcial subtext of your dreams. hagelmaurry (sp?) From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 7-FEB-1997 14:59:57 Subj: Apartment Quirks, Hobblestones, Bangsores [from the HAGELSTEIN ARCHIVES] Date: 16-NOV-1996 12:30 Expires: 31-DEC-1999 23:59 ANNOYING_MOOSES From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Description: Apartment Quirks, Hobblestones, Bangsores Dear Tenant: Thank you for your recent deposit to reside in aforementioned apartment complete with the following characteristics: * MUMMIFIED MOUSE IN HOLE IN REFRIGERATOR Our highly -experienced technicians have installed , at no charge to you, a mouse which managed to get inside your refrigerator, and then tired to get out through a hole where the door handle to the refrigerator used to be. The little poor mouse got its head stuck in the hole, and it could not get out. Solution: Our team of experts took duct tape and wrapped the poor animals head up, and the mouse is now sealed to the refrigerator door. Now the animal is preserved inside the hollow part of the refrigerator door, sealed with duct tape , so not to interfere with storage of food containers inside refrigerator * CONVIENENT LEAKAGE IN CEILING ABOVE SINK AREA Technology enables us to now have the water leak through the ceiling while occupant washes dishes, cooks vegtables or attends to other domestic tasks. Provided a measurable thunderstorm happens to pass by, water will sufficently pour all over occupant while engages in tasks in the kitchen, especially while washing dishes. The extra source of water, however, does not reach the sink area, but pours on occupants head. * KITE STRING USED TO FLUSH TOILET Experts in plumbing have redesigned the flushing of your toilet by rusting the handle so it broke off, tied a kite string to the plunger, so the user may simply lift the string to flush the toilet. Actual kite is sold separately. * CREATIVE HEATING SOLUTIONS The use of radiator heat, which is controlled by the landlord downstairs, allows the occupant to experience first hand the ranges of desert scorching heat in the middle of the night, and bone-chilling air in the middle of the day. These variations in tempature are provided at no cost. Additionally, clanking noises in the radiator pipes are loud enough to ring enforcement control officers in case of emergency. * EFFICENT WINDOW TECHNOLOGY Our windows are constructed to be flexible and interesting to use. Some have been designed to stick permanently, and cannot be moved up or down to allow air to pentrate occupancy during summer season. Some also have the ability to remain open because of a patented design called: The Freezer Model. The Window will fall down in the middle of the night to allow very cold air to wake occupant with bone chilling confusion. A specially designed instrument adapted from culinary technology, identified as a plastic spaula, can be stuck in the window to hold it up, if necessary. We hope you enjoy your residency and please, if you have any questions or concerns, do not hesitate to contact us at our Web Site: http://www.hellhole.com Sincerely, Integer Cthulhu Acronym (ICA) Servitude Cosmetic Properties, Inc. From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 7-FEB-1997 15:01:46 Subj: Capitalism is annoying [from the HAGELSTEIN ARCHIVES] Date: 7-OCT-1996 20:39 Expires: 21-OCT-1996 ANNOYING_MOOSES From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Description: Capitalism is annoying Low-evil pay, data-entry, overtime, computer screens, newly-appointed supervisors, conflicts of time, redundant, coffee-smelling, quiet, scary, manufactured, artifical, neon lights, telephones, job posts, excessively dull, useless, wagewhore, loans, account forms, repressive, high turnover, temp agencies, brown bag lunches, resumes, alcholoics, client abuse, racist, faceless architecture, remote offices, conventional, air-conditioned cafeterias, vending machines, artifical plants, budgets, meetings, bottom lines, women in stockings, young graduates, men with clip-on ties, elevators, newspapers in the bathrooms, favors, favorites, production, family problems, workaholics, misers, smoking breaks, sports talk, fax machines, cubicles, wiring fixtures, baby pictures, federal, state, FICA deductions, pink slips, remittance forms, spreadsheets, holiday pay, sick days, assistant vice-presients, computroller, waiting rooms, conference halls, neogitations, flirtatious breaks, gossip artists, stares, handshakes, empty desks, 3rd shitfs, COBRA insurance, voice mail, magnetic strip cards and passwords, resource management, business cards, CC:Mail, copier machines, customer service, quality reports, annual reports, internet search engines, glass ceilings, Dayrunner calendars, career tools, hangovers, interviews, rejection, obstinate, mundane, trival, pathetic, uncreative, endless, eventual, expected and possbility the lowest form of opportunity available. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 10-FEB-1997 13:46:06 Subj: Sidecar Poker #33 of 34 POKER Date: 10-FEB-1997 05:16 Expires: 24-FEB-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Sidecar Poker Sidecar poker is played with all the elements of regular poker without chips representing money, and without a deck of cards. Players get together and booze it up, and get rough and spew dirty language and crude stories. A token of misery is the ante, which must be mactched by brawn and ego. The player that bluffs immediately gets the shit kicked out of him, but are allowed to stay in the game in order to bait the others in the raw passion of drink and etrophic enviornment of sex, cigarattes, chance and history and friendship. The game is won when the last person announces their humility, which usually isn't until a thousand years or so later. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-FEB-1997 10:13:04 Subj: Wingood Sandwich #323 of 324 GENERAL Date: 13-FEB-1997 03:06 Expires: 14-MAR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Wingood Sandwich Tongue between two pieces of white bread. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-FEB-1997 13:12:23 Subj: Re: THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF INTERVIEWING: THE EMPLOYER'S PERSPECTIVE #297 of 308 GENERAL Date: 16-FEB-1997 16:46 Expires: 17-MAR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF INTERVIEWING: THE EMPLOYER'S PERSPECTIVE ->The Office of Career Services invites you to attend the following panel ->presentation: -> ->The Do's and Don'ts of Interviewing: The Employer's Perspective Do not walk into any interview after sitting upon hamburger meat. This may give the appearance of disorganization. Do not offer your potential employer a beer during the interview: ie: "Before I answer that question, would you like a Becks?" Do not wear a birds nest on top your head when interviewing for environmental jobs. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 24-FEB-1997 22:04:59 Subj: Re: Five Month Anniversary Letter #265 of 267 GENERAL Date: 24-FEB-1997 19:45 Expires: 25-MAR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Five Month Anniversary Letter -> [On official Clark University Admissions House stationery] [On approved letterhead stationery, via encoded Clark University perspective] -> ->February 17, 1997 -> -> ->To the Clark University Community: -> To the Clark Universal Continuity: ->Much has been said and written about the disappearance of the Wheatbread ->parody of the Scarlet. It is time to put an end to the misinformation that has ->been circulating around campus. Much has been said and written about the disappearance of Parody in the University's response to the Wheatbread affair. It is time to mock a start to this situation that has been taken too seriously around campus. -> ->It is important to note that this has never been an issue about free speech. ->Nor did I say to the editor of the Scarlet that I thought the parody was not ->good for Clark. We did speak about the fact that I had moved the parody ->edition of Wheatbread to the recycling bins. It is important to note that this letter is being made a parody about parody. When I said to the editor of the Scarlet that I thought parody was not good for Clark, I meant that the parody *of* Clark was not good. I spoke about the fact that moving Wheatbread to recylcing bins was merely symbolic of my desire to reuse their parody in official university communications in a fresh, unique and sing-song kind of way, such as the one you are reading now. -> ->I moved the Wheatbread newspapers because they were appearing in the ->admissions office as counterfeits of the Scarlet. In other words, admissions' ->campus visitors did not know or see that the Wheatbread parody was not the ->student newspaper we describe in our communications to prospective students. ->Frankly, even some long time Clark faculty, staff and students did not ->immediately recognize that it was not the regular student newspaper. Our ->prospective families believed the Wheatbread parody was the genuine article. I moved the Wheatbread newspapers because they were appearing in the admissions office as a counterfeit of good parody. In other words, had visting social-control terrestrials removed their verse-enforcement space suits, they would have suffocated in the subtextual environment of Wheatbread parody. Their systems could not possibly handle the atmosphere described in our communications which describe alternative forms of expression. Frankly, even some of our old-timers, with their age, education and experience would explode if they recognized that such expression was mocking a regular student newspaper. Our processing facilities believed the Wheatbread parody was the genuine scoop. -> ->I regret moving the Wheatbread. If I had it to do over again, I would handle ->the situation in a different fashion. Those who know me know that my political ->persuasions are far left of center. However questionable some of the articles ->in the Wheatbread parody of the Scarlet may have been, I strongly defend ->students' rights to produce such things. In this case, the action I chose was ->neither sagacious nor appropriate. I regret that Wheatbread did not meet the unversity standard of Parody. If I had it to do over again, I would silence the situation in a different fashion. Those who know my political persuations know how much further I have left to go. However satirical some of the articles in the Wheatbread parody of the Scarlet may have been, I strongly appeal to Randy Mack to allow me to produce much better quality. At this point, let this letter serve as both my submission to Wheatbread and parody of it. -> ->Yours sincerely, -> ->[signature] -> ->Harold M. Wingood ->Dean of Admissions Sincerely, Sir Harold W. Officer of Admissions and Apologies From: JACK::WEVANS Date: 11-MAR-1997 22:17:35 Subj: Another required moment... On Saturday, March 8th, Christopher H. made the inevitable jump from word-shuckster to screen legend. To say he stole every scene (without post- regretably taping over them) is to understate the obvious: the man is a genuis. He oozes performance from the very pores of his body. Each unrehearsed utterancebecomes the unsung lyrics of the unspoken songbird; truly, a magnum opus magnum.And after, we are left only to weep at his integer-tested feet. Not Steve From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-MAR-1997 22:16:05 Subj: An Excellant Match #26 of 26 POKER Date: 14-MAR-1997 18:49 Expires: 28-MAR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: An Excellant Match Even though I went down the drain at the end, I was met with an unexpected amount of enlightenment which far exceeded the cost of fifty bucks. mr. Fold and Mr. Long dramatized the spectrum of history, as Mr. Splice was uncanny in dark shirt and red tie. Mr. Bond represented excellant rule navagating ability, and myself and Mr. Bush , of Old School, were amazed that the good fellas knew how to swear and cuss and piss off each other easily. As always, the beautiful Ms. Lady, knocked me out with blunt strokes to the cerebral context, and Mr. ? (prounounced "mister") and Mr. Bell, balanced the evening out like shady cowboy drifters. Good old Slim was the final splash of irontar tonic in a drink called Poker which coursed through the blood of the evening. Mr. Tips displayed his sense of journalism by playing his cards like his craft: three pages of analysis for each hand. The whiskey sours took me for a walk down hangoverville yesterday. If this were the 1850's, the Dominio's pizza guy woould be dead. Mr. Spazz From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 16-MAR-1997 12:25:20 Subj: Re: WEvans #299 of 308 GENERAL Date: 16-MAR-1997 10:53 Expires: 13-APR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: WEvans ->Ok this is to HSIMS and I know that I write this at my own risk. But I am ->simply doing this because it occurs to me that I actually do know something ->about how bulletin board systems work and whether or not this is the same I ->will say what I have to say because it is a right that I have here. Ok simply Freshman Newbie: Risk is perception, of which you have no rights to control. If you want to express something, and someone doesn't like it (like a flame), they will be rehearsed to flame you. If you, however, preceive it as "ownership" ("own risk"), the flame is yours, where, in actually, its merely data entry---it refers to a subject (ourselves), which, when we communicate, there are no "selves. We 'elders' will in no way challenge what you "actually do know" something about bulletin, We respect your right to say what you must, unqualified. To the extent our descriptions/opinions/truths form rules in which actions must be guided by, please consult your crystal ball. ->put the rules of any bulletin board system regardless of private folders and ->the such is in the hands of the sysop in this case OIS. However, in this case ->the sysop is absent from the system so the ones who make the rules are those ->who are using the system at the present time. And everyone is equal. That is ->the important part. Just because you have been here longer doesn't ->necessarily make you any more important than anyone else here. As long as the If Sims has stated she is more important than anybody else, she's right. She's been on "board" (no pun intended) , ina consistent aggressive manner and makes her views straightforward. Next is Randy, then Adian, then Wevans, Obri, and others which come and go. But, that's my perception of the rules, it is not *the* rules. Your last couple of posts have given us unique insight into what are existence on Vax is like. We never thought about engaging in such an elaborate introduction of ourselves, spawning the realm of newbiesm, bbssing, etc. I'd say your views has caused the most unncessary, but fascinating , stir on the subject thus far ->person posting has something of worth to say then someone will read it and ->reply to it and then that person has made a difference. Now as I will be ->considered a newbie here, regardless of any bbsing experience I have ->elsewhere, I am as of yet unknown. So all of my posts for a while will serve ->to tell the rest of the community here what it is that I am going to be about. Nobody posts anything worth of value here, newbie, we just read it, reply to it, and so we only "match" somebody elses pot because they're playing a game called "viewpoint". We consider newbies invalid perceptions of the game, because they flaunt their inability to communicate throuh communication. Isn'tthat kind of ironic? All that you've managed to say is that your here to tell us what we already know, and what's going on. WHich is fine, I guess,but whats else do you want us to know you by? -> What my strengths are and what my weaknesses are and I most learn all of this ->about people who are no longer activly trying to prove themselves. While the ->rest of you have already been proven and are at the advantage in that you ->already know what you are up against and you don't need to prove yourselves ->again. Ok that is all I have to say at this moment. Let the flaming ->commence. -> The strengths and weaknesses you have displayed are too much intertwined in that your strong in showing your weaknesses, that your definately from newbieville, and weak in showing your strengths, that you don't give yourself the credit you deserve. WE're glad to see you have made it here, and welcome whatever chit-chat you can offer. Nobody here has any advanage, either historically, financially or intellectually. There's only us word things crowding up your brain-time. ->Rachel (who is beginning to show some spine) Bernie, from Seseme Street From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-MAR-1997 18:27:29 Subj: Re: LOOKING TO SUBLET OR RENT #351 of 353 GENERAL Date: 21-MAR-1997 16:53 Expires: 18-APR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: LOOKING TO SUBLET OR RENT ->Hey there! Here. ->Do you have an empty Soul. ->furnished room in your ->house or apartment? Apartment. ->I'm looking to move Worcester. ->in with another ->college age student or professional, Professional. ->who keeps a neat No. ->and quiet home. No. ->Let me know...Thanks, Rachel Here. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-MAR-1997 18:29:16 Subj: 15-minute warning: Carlson Hall Lab #353 of 353 GENERAL Date: 21-MAR-1997 18:04 Expires: 18-APR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: 15-minute warning: Carlson Hall Lab As though cascaded through a hall of mirrors, the words relfected off each other endlessly, without any necessary influence on each other to go other directions. The lab of students, go-getters, ancient career runners continued to tap upon their keyboards after the announcement that their community of monitors would soon be disconnected. Voices among classmates shared a football toss of weekend plans and week-ended disasters and triumphs, across the flickering dying monitors and Netscaped-warped minds. Books slammed shut, and various reports and papers were shuffled around the mini-towers and keyboards which hogged up the picnic-styled desks, lined with the assortment of APPLE and IBM terminals provided by the liberal arts school, supprehended by the causality of technology, enhanced by the virtue of plainitative knowledge which scrolled down the screens. Old plastic armchairs were delighted newbites in crusty LL Beam clothes, scooted out and packed their backpacks, jetting out of the former Woodland Hall/former Schoolbell house/formed from and elders' past, shared slapped-on-the-backs, had once enjoined on a venture to turn this modest New England Elementary brick school to its current generation of industrially-wired workers, which extended up and down the ranks of 35 year old grad students to 13 year old advanced Freshman, partaking the rich and skewed identification of themselves in their world, and the world's channeled delivery of its history to them , through the screens and hardrives which were meshed together in the basement of Carlson Lab. The ceiling of the lab was lined with what appeared to look like meat hooks, forming a conveyer belt of copper transfer of modems and gigybyes....., and then she announced, as the distributor of something else gained, "The lab is closing in five minutes." The "Closing of five minutes" appealed to the mind of higher authority in Carlson lab, warning its last surviving members, that they most squeeze a remaining production in the tiniest fraction of a seconds, previously accoustomed to the survival patient web sites, and quick Vax systems. Not any longer. As the minutes tocked by, and with each closing of the multi-tasking systems, saved files on the A:\ drive and the screen prints to the laser, plans formulated in the future, beyond the Carlson Lab, after the proctor shut the lights off, and made sure all the various screens were closed. There was still time to make last minute alterations to WP documents and quick adjustments to the spreadsheets, perhaps to put a 14 point Times font on the report for Psychology to make it 15 pages, rather than 12, or print up a cover page , hopefully if there was nobody printing up their last report. Carlson Lab hung on towards the twilight of uncertainity in observing some participants scrolling their documents, hunting and pecking for careless incarnations of themselves on a screen to vast for its audience, and too thin to support its brethen. And the one next to me, the last one, has said he had problems printing. And the writer you are reading then did control Z -Mr. Clean From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-APR-1997 01:46:20 Subj: Re: beagle #338 of 376 GENERAL Date: 29-MAR-1997 10:52 Expires: 26-APR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: beagle ->Help! I am currently fostering an unwanted beagle who desperately needs ->a home. He is a neutered male called Copper (due to his coloring), and is ->one year 4 months old. The previous owners didn't have time or energy ->to properly housebreak him, so though he can last through the night, he ->needs some training to make it through the day, or else walks every four ->hours or so. He is slightly shy, but very affectionate, and not aggressive. ->He knows that No means No, so doesn't get underfoot. ->If you are someone who loves dogs, and has the patience to continue his ->education, give me a call. ->Professor Penelope Vinden x 7458 Help! I am currently fostering an unwanted desire to be institutionalized. Its a natural desire called Incorporation (due to the expression), and is one generation 30 years old. The previous historians didn't have time or energy to properly indentify me, so though I can last through the day, I still need training to make it through the night, or else walk on all fours like a dogie. I'm slightly tired, but very amused, and not interested. I know what No means, so I don't get it anyway. If you are someone who loves dogs, but has no patience to own one, check me out. -Woof From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-APR-1997 01:47:51 Subj: Re: Golden Opportunity #341 of 376 GENERAL Date: 29-MAR-1997 11:21 Expires: 26-APR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Golden Opportunity ->Stressing over a summer job or how you're going to survive the first couple ->of months after graduation? Drugs. -> ->Would you like to spend the summer travelling around the country? How ->about to a foreign country? -> Albania. ->If you could make $1,000-5,000 per month working half the time you would ->at your normal summer job, would you? -> Drugs. ->What if you would continue to receive paychecks even after you stopped ->working? -> Scam. ->E-mail me your name and phone number for details. Anticipation. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-APR-1997 01:49:09 Subj: Re: 5th Year free program #342 of 376 GENERAL Date: 29-MAR-1997 11:40 Expires: 26-APR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: 5th Year free programs ->Members of the junior class have only a few days left to apply for entry into ->the fifth year-free BA/Masters program. Brochures explaining the program ->are available from the Graduate Office (Geog-209) or from departmental offices ->of the participating graduate programs, which are: Followers of The Black Hole have only a few more precious days to apply for entry into Clark University's Masters/Slave program. Brochures explaining the program are available from the Mistress/Domination office (Goth-209) or from the vampires' offices of the apocalyptical programs, which are: ->MBA and MHA of the GSOM Control of Fetish Desires wearing a small Potato on the Head. ->MSPC and MPA of COPACE Easter bunny Sacrifice inside COPACE shuttle bus ->Biology Scatology ->Chemistry Toxins ->ES&P ESP ->History Necronomicon ->ID IV ->Physics Transmigration ->Education (MA or Provisional Certification) Education (Wicca or Provisional Eradication) ->All that is necessary to apply at this stage is to fill out a one-page ->form and have the representative of the graduate program sign it. -> ->If you have questions, please call 793-7760 or e-mail: fgreenaway -> -> ->Fred Greenaway ->Dean of Graduate Studies All that is necessary to apply at this state is to fill out a one-gallon goblet and have the representative of the graduate program drink its bloody remains. Questions may be appeased by calling the telephone nearest your bathroom or emailing MANRAY. Fred Manray Dead by Graduation Studies From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 5-APR-1997 18:23:56 Subj: Vacant Spacious room for sublet #393 of 393 GENERAL Date: 5-APR-1997 03:26 Expires: 3-MAY-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Vacant Spacious room for sublet Abandoned parking lot with huge bay view windows, large bed and smoking cat. 450$ per month. Food included. Racy logic and unusual conclusions are extra. Must be able to live inside the cranium From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-APR-1997 19:48:29 Subj: Re: Vacant Spacious room for sublet -> #393 of 393 GENERAL ->Date: 5-APR-1997 03:26 Expires: 3-MAY-1997 00:00 ->From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN ->Subj: Vacant Spacious room for sublet -> ->Abandoned parking lot with huge bay view windows, large ->bed and smoking cat. 450$ per month. Food included. Racy logic ->and unusual conclusions are extra. Must be able to live ->inside the cranium Randy, isn't there a quota of lame material on me yet? From: GRAMPS::COBRIEN Date: 7-APR-1997 19:50:33 Subj: Re: Vacant Spacious room for sublet -> ->Randy, isn't there a quota of lame material on me yet? yeah, when are you going to get some standards? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-APR-1997 19:52:04 Subj: Re: Vacant Spacious room for sublet ->-> ->->Randy, isn't there a quota of lame material on me yet? -> -> ->yeah, when are you going to get some standards? "This is very vauge. You don't know if I'm talking to you. You don't know if I'm talking to him. Very vauge. No one will know. " -Cath O'Bri From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 15-APR-1997 22:44:44 Subj: Big Fucking Deal #19 of 19 POKER Date: 15-APR-1997 21:09 Expires: 29-APR-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Big Fucking Deal I'm coming Tomorrow nite to play some serious ass poker and if you dumbasses can't handle it, call my granny for point-of-view. Look her in the case-study and prepare to get the shit kicked out of you. -Mr. Clean From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 22-APR-1997 15:51:59 Subj: Re: another comment #57 of 58 WHEATBREAD Date: 22-APR-1997 03:09 Expires: 22-MAY-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: another comment ->"Protecting Your Right to Harass" was originally my idea and though it was ->written by Beth and therefore may have drifted some from its original ->intentions, I think my basic idea was still present to anyone energetic enough ->to look past the black ink. I think you should wear a black veil for the rest of your life to hide you in shame. You shall also submit to several examinations by students , faculty and paid social workers in order to determine your worthiness to society and value as a human being. These tests shall be run during graduation, on the podium, with an introduction by Randy Mack. A globe of the Clark Insignia shall be suspended above your head and a moment of silence shall precede the ceremony of stoning to death your elemental moral vacuity and substandard rationale as illustration below. ->Two ideas - one was to just to talk about something which appeared to be ->ridiculous at first glance, could have potentially been a real person's ->opinion upon an initial reading (NOTE: There is a difference between ->"glancing" and "reading"), but a dash of thought and recall of context (in a ->magazine called U. Putz) would have provided the reader with the information ->that the words were not really one-dimensional. I'm outraged. How dare you identify appearances as "ridiculous", especially at first glance. Upon recognization of the objects which constitute my reality, I immediately verify their truth through trustworthy souces such as other individuals which reside outside of my reality. Why would I make my own decisions or endeavor to create something different when the entire world has done it for me before? Nothing is ridiculous, we all think the same. I expected that people would ->be able to go through three steps (perhaps fewer in some highly evolved ->beings) to determine that they should look for some other meaning. In fact, I ->think that one meaning being conveyed was that sexual harrassment policies are ->a good thing, by going so far to the other extreme and exaggerating upon what ->may happen if they did not exist. Sometimes you need to be ridiculous. -> I am absolutely terrified at the implication of your argument. First of all we are serious people. We have serious problems. Serious things have happened, which implies by logically conclusion that no non-serious things should get in the way. Any of your funny stuff, or any attempt at being humourous, or even the preconceived notion of satire, or even suggesting for an instant that a serious incident has been satired severely cripples the ability of individuals to decide for themselves. You have committed an obviously terrible piece which I have not even read. -> My second idea was to make some kind of comment on how much people ->complain and protest and petition. I have severe cynical tendencies. I believe ->that there are limits to everything and that there are some things that are ->just easier to deal with if there is a universal decision. You are a sinner. These kinds of "ideas" are wholly products of a liberal arts graduate who attempts to engage an audience, but fails to achieve satisfaction by submitting apologies back to the general audience in an effort to educate (read: ASSUAGE) the normalized audience fused by redundant cultural processing. Your "severe cynical tendencies" has ironically impressed upon you the guilt you must bear to think independently, yet submit to the greater good of the collective vision. -> Sexual harrassment policies are a good example of this - someone (some people) needed ->to sit down and decide that certain things are just unacceptable. I was ->thinking, as I came up with this whole idea in the first place, "What will ->they complain about next?". And I picked something which I thought would NOT ->be contoversial. But it appears that the message was not properly conveyed. ->Perhaps it should have been printed in invisible ink and invisible ink pens ->should have been handed out only after a person passed some kind of test. -> Sexual harrassment is a severe crime. It follows that in our mature and civilized society, for sexual harrassment to continue, greater control measures are necessary, including satires of it. In the future, you will not be able to discuss sexual harrassment without holding a special license. The hypocrisy of such a crime existing in a preconceived world of justice will require special codified language unavailable to lame parody artists and hack journalists. No invisible pens need apply. ->I think it had very little to do with being raped. I feel sorry for ->people that get hung up on single words - like rape or dyke for example. ->Those people are really missing out on big ideas. Tunnel vision can't be ->fun. If a man wrote the article, everyone *knows* what would happen. Men are general dumbass swine. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 22-APR-1997 15:59:33 Subj: Baffroom woof, shity #21 of 21 POKER Date: 22-APR-1997 03:27 Expires: 6-MAY-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Baffroom woof, shity Brawly entered covered in something out of the show. He sat down among the fellas all poor. -Give me a drink. Wilda poured him a scooter. The lights in DownTown were dimming like a dying lighting bug. The room where the men sat reeked of potato chips and whildberry, beer and kootie. Some men had girlfriends, the rest were swine, the kind of brood that ran in packs looking for kootie, dying for kootie, begging and crying in the backstreets and alleyways before coming back to Baffroom woof to play the game they all knew: Plahdad Poker. The rewls to Plahdad never changed. You had a stack of handcuffs, you bet with mugs of coffee, you spit and laughed and joked behind the boss's back, you talked about kootie, Dr. cloud --- those dreams which clouded up in your drink ---, and the trials of men your own age, and the hopeless hearts of starters in the world of haul n' go. You didn't call it peace, you didn't call it redemption either. It was a ball of dreams in the form of poker chips sitting in front of you. It was the smell of a ketchup burning underneath the hamburger on the grill. It was the possibily the mirrors you walked into, thinking it was someone else. Whatever it was, you knew Wilda would serve the beer, you'd bet and bluff your way out of the game, and retire with a hankerchief wrapped around your bleeding soul until the alarm clock wrapped her lucious attenti of attention around your body, crunched down, and tore your beast out of your angel glow like popping off a bottle from a beer. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-APR-1997 23:59:08 Subj: Re: another comment #81 of 82 WHEATBREAD Date: 26-APR-1997 19:24 Expires: 26-MAY-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: another comment I agree with Canada that the four NFL Pre-Seasons with Gil McDerviey should have been attended by Sol Coughdough. Listen, if Canada took Badmition away from Yorkshire, where would that leave the Miami Dolphins? Obviously back in the NCAA's of 1989. Back then you had several players, including Stoolpod, who racked up an unbelievale 0-110 loosing streak when they broke even again Philadelphia in the Summer of Love , 1969. Even Breathegg, the Sargent who played hopscootch on the TV show, "Leave my UFO alone", didn't realize the new team standard that the Pucks deployed when the National Association of Ballpayers got together at the Showdown at Foghorn, Florida, for the Yellowtoad Opening. As far as I can remember, there were three teams, the Umbrella Spectaculars, the Orange County Swans and the Iota Variables who drafted the first picks from the New York Rangers in exchange for field picks for the Baltimore Oreo Cookies. Now, I'm not saying this is agains the rules of Squash, but a foothole in-one with McDerivy sitting on the Spitoon is just asking for trouble. Even Morgan, Captain for the Rum and Cokes poured a half an hour on top of getting his team through the bar in Chicago, LA, and Oakley Teneeseee. Ask me if this isn't crazy, eh? First Down pick for the Washington Snoozes got pounced when the rookie Hil Brickweather got a softie from a concession booth owner, without sprinkles! That's insance, and goes against all that the Candian Hops and Brew Association complained about against forward guard Sol Vickenstein and Attic hermit Bagel. Even Mack, editor of Golf Cart Weekley vindicated the entire Mediatrical Society of Sports Aloofness for not properly defining "motion" in a non-physical event. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 29-APR-1997 19:19:13 Subj: Re: Commencement speaker? #281 of 289 GENERAL Date: 29-APR-1997 05:06 Expires: 27-MAY-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Commencement speaker? ->Must have tossed the announcement with all the campus stuff. Who's speaking? ->and will it be long? His name is Kindly Getalong. Mr. Getalong is Chairman of Holding Hands, an organization which visits families around the globe to ensure that they are "getting along" (hence the name of the Chairman). Clark had chosen the Chairman because his peaceful aura is very similar to Clark's philosophy. Everyone is required to be nice during the Smile Fluffball ceremony when Mr. Getalong carries the sky upon his back to the podium as one of his examples of Holding Hand's success stories. Evidently, Getalong has been responsible for ice cream festivals' and church fairs' increase in attendence over the years. I don't know how long he will speak, Rachel, but it sure will be interesting. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 2-MAY-1997 18:25:23 Subj: Re: the more things change, the more...[POKER MEMORIES] #34 of 34 POKER Date: 30-APR-1997 20:36 Expires: 14-MAY-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: the more things change, the more... ->Unfortunately I will not be able to attend the probability seminar this ->Wednesday evening. Judging by the three or four previous posts in this folder, ->the decorum has changed somewhat since my last appearance. I plan to attend ->next week, however, to see for myself and to give everyone present a chance to ->take my money from me. Fold, you have prefaced the event, unintentionally, into the vast memories which have grown, and which shall receed, in these times we've shared. The probability of no Poker this Wensday seems to be implemented by Bond. This was a good bet. It was a rare fold by Bond, but anticipated by insiders at the table. I see this as a pause-play before the final end, where the last guy in a mini-lay as 3 chips in front of him, and he's holding 3 sevens, and the last hand has yet to be dealt. The decorm of Poker will be carried forth when the group formally disbands in the next couple of weeks. Our last game will necessitate your presence, Fold, as well as the other fellas. I hope we can agree on suitable higher stakes, and longer hours. As an idea, we should play from 9pm-1:30am, break for Blarney Stone, then play from 2:00am-5:00am. Winner takes everybody out for breakfast at Elaines Midnight cafe at 5:30am, and the loser brings the beer. My apartment would be most suitable for the most enhanced warriors from Old School when we will require an elegant vomitory to meet our needs. Personally, I'm going to miss the Poker Games. Tips, Bluff, Clean, Bush, Ms. Lady, (proxy for Ms. Song), Bell, Mr. ?, Fold, Long, French, Bond, Splice (formally Mr. Cool), all had their angle being played, some more severe than others, some more cool and observant, others more extreme, hopeless, down-and-out, depressed, alcholoic and metasurgically neurotic. The bets were always graced with cussing and murderous stares, peer-pressure and adequate social disparagement. In this dumbass world of accomodating my fellow human scum, it was always cathartic to piss-off others' bets and whimpy bluffs, decisions, and slowpot mumblings, like when we had to remember if it was hi or lo card during the lay game. We got used to each others stupidity, discovered how fucked-up we were, and had a good time in the process. All in all, though, the memories ---- without their import of thought or emotion --- is as clear as the shouts and hollars on who's dealing, even if I was consumed with disease or drunk in the same. I recall Mr. Splice's early games, and how he usually wussed out on 5 bucks. When Tips started playing, he began like a nubile young frog, hoppy and excited to be with inferior illiterate playmates, filling in the lunacy like spackling dry-wall. Ms. Lady, the spidery poisonus flower of which only Bond could handle without getting stung. In the midst of play, Bond's composure balanced out Bluff's duffs, and other players' easily doorbombed mistakes in straights, flushes, calling a full house a two-pair of aces and kings, with an ace an high. I laughed when French mixed his chips with Tips, and was impressed when Long and Fold donned their impressive studies in middlemericanism graft --- all we were missing was W.C. Fields. French almost shit in his pants when Bush asked him why he was stupid, and Bluff's historically weak poker hands ironically yielding his smooth bets with the ladies --- ego nothwithstanding. And Fold, lastly, as our commencement speaker which views the sunset as measurably more vast and interesting than any squeek of a dawn which any poker hand can bluff out of. My thanks for him showing up, and hope your bets are more than your folds, but as a miser of economical dialogue, you win only the best bets, while everyone else gets the back of the bottle. -Mr. Clean From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 6-MAY-1997 12:53:00 Subj: Re: Oh how cute #76 of 76 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 6-MAY-1997 05:56 Expires: 20-MAY-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Oh how cute At my prom, I was selling t-shirts of people who were at the prom. I was prompty arrested by the local authorities for impersonating a self-reflective metaphor. THereafter, I was forced to think in terms of food, clothes and shelter. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 8-MAY-1997 11:16:12 Subj: Corny Fog-Art Inebriation Meeting! Important! #299 of 302 GENERAL Date: 7-MAY-1997 18:45 Expires: 4-JUN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Corny Fog-Art Inebriation Meeting! Important! Corny Fog-Art, a segment of the Illusion of Popular Wisdom, will be meeting at Moynies for 3 beers. Each beer will symbolize the three tenets of civilization: Obey, Conform and Respond. Members are required to bring their ear muffs for when our President is lowered into the pits of hell, and photographed for the evidence of our imagination. The meeting will be held today, Wensday evening, at 7:30pm. All are invited. Look for baldy in the black coat. -Moo From: JACK::HSIMS Date: 14-MAY-1997 21:49:38 Subj: He's spoofing his own messages now! #24 of 28 POKER Date: 14-MAY-1997 19:01 Expires: 28-MAY-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Poker of the Saturnalia ->Gentlemen, tomorrow nite is the Poker of the Saturnalia, a traditional ->excercise borrowed from heinous and excessive times of ancient Rome ->where the masters God and other belief systems emersed themselves ->in the livelyhood and decadence of what our civilization has now ->cauterized. I am incensed to deliver, though delighted overall, ->the ending festivities, for these games have represented much ->more than overall gambling and pat-backs. The truest of one's ->intentions are incomplete without the voracious prayer to be ->submitted during the Poker of th Saturnalia. Gentlemen, tomorrow nite is the Poker of the History, a traditional excersise confiscated from the excessive heinous intrepretations of Gods and other Masters who hath emersed themsevles in the civilization that is called CAUTHERIZARTION. I inspire to deliver, though muted overall, the ending games which have represented more than festivities. The truest of one's incompleteness is the voracious prayer to be submitted upon the Poker of History. -> ->On a practical matter, concerns have been raised over the size ->of the table. THe only economical idea being fostered would be to ->agree to rotating shifts of players if the table cannot support the ->majority of players. Had I had a car, I would contact Aidan and pick ->up the table he lauds over deliver myself. The Poker of the Saturnalia ->would then have him killed. -> On a sarcastic level, the matters which are of concern dictate the size of the metaphorical Poker Table. The only economical unrealistic solution would be to foster shifts of workers if the concept cannot support the majority of labor. Had I a clue, I would encapsulate Aidan and pick him up as I laud over him. The Poker of History would then have him recorded. ->Gentlemen, engagements between warriors have always been based upon ->the ravishs of time, the sport of endurance and the timelessness of love. ->Never before has the Poker of the Saturnalia been asked to testify to ->the sacrifices of ones spirit without its being paid back in eternity ->like planned Wensday nite: Per notice of the Accomadator to the mortal ->remains we inhabit, a schedule has been drafted to more or less make ->it easier for our plight rather than some affection to it. -> Gentlemen, warriors have always been engaged in the endless ravishs of time, the spots where endurance ceases, and the timelessness of the dealer. Never before has the deck of the Saturnalia contained Gods in the form of indoctrination oor the testimony from eternity. Per notice of the termination of ->8:00-9:00pm: Full Set Up: -> ->Let me do this later. Mulligan and Sophie are over here now, so ->I have to help them with their letters. I promised them I would ->meet them at 6pm. Did you call them up yet like instructed? -> ->-Mr. Clean From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 15-MAY-1997 12:07:06 Subj: Poker of the Saturnalia #22 of 28 POKER Date: 13-MAY-1997 18:17 Expires: 27-MAY-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Poker of the Saturnalia Gentlemen, tomorrow nite is the Poker of the Saturnalia, a traditional excercise borrowed from heinous and excessive times of ancient Rome where the masters God and other belief systems emersed themselves in the livelyhood and decadence of what our civilization has now cauterized. I am incensed to deliver, though delighted overall, the ending festivities, for these games have represented much more than overall gambling and pat-backs. The truest of one's intentions are incomplete without the voracious prayer to be submitted during the Poker of th Saturnalia. On a practical matter, concerns have been raised over the size of the table. THe only economical idea being fostered would be to agree to rotating shifts of players if the table cannot support the majority of players. Had I had a car, I would contact Aidan and pick up the table he lauds over deliver myself. The Poker of the Saturnalia would then have him killed. Gentlemen, engagements between warriors have always been based upon the ravishs of time, the sport of endurance and the timelessness of love. Never before has the Poker of the Saturnalia been asked to testify to the sacrifices of ones spirit without its being paid back in eternity like planned Wensday nite: Per notice of the Accomadator to the mortal remains we inhabit, a schedule has been drafted to more or less make it easier for our plight rather than some affection to it. 8:00-9:00pm: Full Set Up: Let me do this later. Mulligan and Sophie are over here now, so I have to help them with their letters. I promised them I would meet them at 6pm. Did you call them up yet like instructed? -Mr. Clean From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-MAY-1997 15:22:38 Subj: Jack's Agony FROM: POKER FOLDER From: JACK::JBROWN1 Date: 16-MAY-1997 06:51:53 Subj: you all suck Let me say here that all of you are a bunch of inconsiderate ass-holes. The mess you leave in the appartment every week is abonminable. Can't anyone put trash *in* the trashbag, or do you all normally just pile it around the outside of the bag? How the fuck do you think I enjoy waking up and having to clear the stovetop of 20 beer bottles (several of which have been tipped over) in order to cook breakfast? And who do you think is going to have to clean all the cups you people use during the course of the evening, or put away the pizza boxes and pick up pieces of crust that have been discarded on the floor? Well, it isn't your primary host. Although he claims to do some cleaning afterward, it isn't much. Now I can understand the desire to let go of your usual stuffyness and have a wild time one night a week, but I don't think that is a very good excuse for comming over and crapping up my appartment like a bunch of teenagers on a home-invasion. Does anybody even notice the mess as they leave, or are you all completely oblivious? The level of ingratitude conveyed by your actions is in- excusable. Fuck all of you. I'm glad that was the last poker night, because I would seriously contest any further attempts for future games. And furthermore, this message is not a search for apologies, so don't bother. If you do apologize, I will find you you and kick your ass. Just think about how downright obnoxious your treatment of our hospitality has been, and deciede to change your behavior for the future. Go to hell, Mr. Pissed Off From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-MAY-1997 14:03:21 Subj: Re: Alumni events? #273 of 273 GENERAL Date: 23-MAY-1997 14:02 Expires: 20-JUN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Alumni events? ->I deleted some stuff here************** -> ->->Most of the Alumni will be wearing baseball helmets with rearview ->->mirrors and pockets in their bra of orange peel and garlic to ->->ward off their old professors. -> ->I find orange peel and garlic to have pronounced aphrodisiac qualities. -> ->An old professor(sp?) Any aphrodisia has merely been arbitraged out between the spread of Love over Life. There's no more room for a riskless profit. -A metaphorical economist From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-MAY-1997 13:09:31 Subj: Catgorizing stories in Wheatbread #60 of 61 WHEATBREAD Date: 26-MAY-1997 10:58 Expires: 25-JUN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Catgorizing stories in Wheatbread Dear Editor: I was delighted to be informed about the different stylistic intentions of the various articles in Wheatbread. Using it as a guide, I was able to completely determine the author's intention as well as monitor my reaction to the implications of the stories and advertisements themselves. However, one catagory, which was entitled "Artsy" above the story "A Teleplay by Christopher Hagelstein" was not properly catagorized. It should have been entitled: "Wrong Number" -Bunny From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-MAY-1997 13:10:48 Subj: News Update (PARODY) #61 of 61 WHEATBREAD Date: 26-MAY-1997 11:39 Expires: 25-JUN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: News Update (PARODY) UNIVERSITY-PUBLISHED PAPER CONCEIVES 'CLASSIFICATION SYSTEM' UNIVERSITY ADOPTS SYSTEM TO ENLIGHTEN STUDENTS. (FICTIOUS NEWS STORY INSPIRED BY "HOW TO READ A WHEATBREAD") Worcester, MA. (5/26/97) Clark Univicinity (GRAMMER PARODY), renamed to better reflect its urban community commitments (POLITICAL COMMENT), has gone further in defining itself as a "one-stop" liberal fawn educational institutional (VOCABULARY SATIRE) by adopting a Classification System which was first used to indentify articles and stories published in the school's newspaper, Wheatbread (INFORMATIVE) In the student-run paper, style editor, Randy Mocketh, (FIGUREHEAD PARODY) conceived an indentification system for articles and stories in his paper so that readers would be warned of the writer's style beforehand, and possibly prevent fatal misunderstandings. (CLEVER) For example, for each article or story above the byline, a one-word catagorical description appears. "Old School Satire" means that the following passage is "dry, dead-pan, pretty subtle, possibly Swiftian." (SERIOUS) Some "Serious" articles are further broken down by sub-catagories like "Opinion" and "Wry" (JOKE) Frank Zimmerman, Chief of Clark's Marketing Department (MADE-UP CHARACTER), has consulted with Mr. Mocketh and the Wheatbread staff to develop a campaign to "utilize the classification developed by Wheatbread (WRY-BREAD) to identify potential places on campus where resources may be misinterepreted by students and professors alike" (SYMBOLIC PLACES). For instance, Wright Hall will be identified as "Red Brick Building" in order to lessen the complexity of assocation between the "building" and its new name. Zimmerman says "this is a fantastic opportunity to label things by what they really are to the students." (IRONIC) One Clark Professor disagrees with the intended reclassification project. "I was given the title 'Gramps' by the administration. They said it better reflects my ideology." claims Professor Snarlkough. Snarlkough must now submit to being called "Gramps" until he reaches tenure. (ACADEMIC JOKE) Other areas and people have also been reclassified. Carlson Hall, for example, will be renamed "Login" (FUTURISTIC). Main South will be renamed "Investment Zone." (REUSED JOKE) And the Wheatbread office itself will be renamed "Area of Potential Satire" (JOURNALISTIC HUMOR). Mocketh explained that the renaming of his own newspaper organzation "has more to do with a court order rather than the reclassification initiative." (LEGAL IMPLICATIONS) Zimmerman plans to have the new indentification and reclassification project completed before 1998's graduating class walks down the aisle, or, as he rephrased it "before 1998 graduates are 'processed'" (MISSION ACCOMPLISHMENT) -Mr. Clean (PSEUDONYM) From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JUN-1997 21:13:59 Subj: The Heather Sims Phenomenon #233 of 233 GENERAL Date: 1-JUN-1997 20:40 Expires: 29-JUN-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: The Heather Sims Phenomenon Dear Profuse Professor of Vax-Relational Psychology: RE: Your request for Research Grant : Status is Denied Mr. Professor: Recently, your department at the organizational instructed us to issue funds in regard to studying the effects of your theses: Vaxien Relationship With Regards to Effects of Censorship. The reason funds were identified as the Status: Denied, was primarily a result of prior submittal from Masters of Encounters (ME) Graduated Studies, Heather Wyonna Sims, or otherwise identified in terms of her comittment of studies in the whirl of Vaxien Sequacious Behaviors Which Typify Herd Instinct, a paper she submitted to our Organization prior to your Grant Request. In her intense examination of the medium of Vax, Sims concluded that it was necessary to render rude and vigorous observations applied against the OWNERS of MEDIUM, rather than the USERS of MEDIUM to prove her theory that owners of language systems ironically sought to ] mediate and dilute free expression whereas Users of language sought to preserve and capitalize on expression. Sims pointed out that it Owners should be the ones who should preserve and fertilize language systems, like a farmer would do when growing crops and marketable goods, and that Users would naturally tend to deplete resources which are grown from the Owners of language. In her examination of the Vaxien system at your institution, she made herself as the variable in the expression, x<=Vax+Human Pattern: ie: Observe the Probability Studies from Homer, Chapter 8, page 32# x+v=(v is variable for Sims)/Behavior Against Communication (BAC) BAC-Sims=Civilization Reckoning Factor (CRF) CRF*2=x ----> 2 represents the binary system of an opposite view presentation. X<=Vax+Human Patter Sims proven hypothesis illustrates clearly that subject matter is usually a portion of interior discomfort actualized to achieve belief systems, which are then transmuted to morals, and then onto playground social groups disguised as "transmission of identity" (from FrogBot, "CLASS VISUALIZATION: TACTIC OR SIMULATION" (Univesity of Michgan Press, 1987, Questionable & Sons Publishers) Sims was able to convey that the "transmission of identity" from Anna to Sims was vertical, a symbol more of feminist dichotomy as opposed to traditional spillage of academic politcal culture. In conclusion, Sims used herself as an experiment to prove her theories and became one of the most fragmented thinkers of our society. It behooves our organization to learn she had graduated from your institution, Mr. Professor, and we encourage you to reconsider your Grant Request as being: Denied, based upon your obviously tortured history as a functional pro forma of dog-o-ma. Please contact your alumni, Ms. Sims, for more information on your nice fairy sweet pea land. Sincerely Frank Bothsoup Chairman and Self-Evident Owner Language Systems Charlie Horse From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 4-JUN-1997 02:26:20 Subj: Re: GS #220 of 227 GENERAL Date: 3-JUN-1997 20:21 Expires: 1-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: GS ->should sell the Telegram. They should sell the GS From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 4-JUN-1997 02:27:03 Subj: Sims: Banned for Being Benign? #221 of 227 GENERAL Date: 3-JUN-1997 20:56 Expires: 1-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Sims: Banned for Being Benign? New Analysis (SUBTLE MOCKERY) Rencently, officals have remained mum on the issue surrounding one small liberal arts college: the cesnoreship over one of its alumni...for being benign. "We were falling asleep over reading her posts," complained one OIS office guru, Mike Headplush, Systems Administrator for Clark University on-line Vax system, who made the final call to "censnoreship" Heather Sims, an alumni. Headplush said, "it wasn't her tone of voice, or vindicative attitude towards our department, but her tendency to become monotonous and overbearing." Sims, who has been removed from the BULLETIN system before, was exhausted by forming rational dialogue, resorted to boring sophmoric salvos to preach her mindless torture in the highwired balancing acts of free speech and self-glamourization. The administration, having seen these free wheeling deals before, simply feel asleep at one of OIS's pizza parties to discuss the Sims Affair. Headplush stated,"apparently, there is no interest in what anyone says on Vax anyway, especially Heather Sims." Yodel Underfog, Professor of Legal Quandraries of Nichols College, who writ the tactics of "Censnoreship", explains, "Censnoreship is a dynamic concept where the ideas which are suppressed by the power authority go without notice because of the vapid content of such ideas." Clark University Science of Office and Technology, Hamper Salafeed noted, "Many people are handly shut-up with apparently just cause. The Sims case is an exception , based upon her futile and juvenille quest for attention, we decided to remove her from Bulletin to free up system resources for batch processing and distribution from narsacissic control. " Sims is expected to appear at an interview at Ralphs Chadwick Square Diner on Friday, June 6th, with two men from Chippendales to serve her fruits, drinks and meats. Other men will be on the floor, dogs if you will, wearing silver collars, awaiting Sims' offline controls. ***END OF MOCKERY ARTICLE. YOU MAY STOP READING NOW**** From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 10-JUN-1997 11:22:54 Subj: Re: IMPORTANT REVELATION #261 of 264 GENERAL Date: 10-JUN-1997 06:08 Expires: 8-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: IMPORTANT REVELATION ->-> Ever see the movie "Blind Date" (with Bruce Willis)? ->-> ->-> John Larroquette = Craig Littlejohn -> ->Wow. Craig Littlejohn - Freddie Mercury = His Ego From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 10-JUN-1997 11:23:45 Subj: Equation #263 of 264 GENERAL Date: 10-JUN-1997 06:11 Expires: 8-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Equation Heather Sims - 30 Pounds = Anna Tomeka* *THIS OBSERVATION IS INTENDED TO PROMOTE HUMOUR. ALL RIGHTS DENIED. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUN-1997 17:59:30 Subj: Re: Bulletin's fucked again #264 of 277 GENERAL Date: 14-JUN-1997 10:02 Expires: 12-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Bulletin's fucked again ->So, what do you think will happen around here now that Heather is gone? ->I personally expect to see some relatively good conversations and some ->intrest from the freshman, kinda like when JLudgate was around to keep ->Heather in check. -> ->Man, I don't read this thing enough anymore... -> ->So So, nothing much will happen. Or, rather, things will be more difficult for them to happen. Heather Sims was an anomaly, a deformity of conversation, and lover of risk. Much of her observations were chances to experience attention and engage herself with subroutines of others' experiences. She would process dialogue and emotions as though there were no difference, no export of her individuality and general lack of common sense. The output of her input was eventually,: LOGIN DENIED. Usually, when people talk to each other, including posting, they are cognizant of what's called "consequences." Sims definition of consequences was qualified by the greater good of "free speech", truth, or VAX, or the combinations between the three. Most people enjoy discussing events when risk to their beliefs are not going to be challenged. Sims was one of these persons, but pushed towards the far end of the specturm, where the shading between one color and the other colors was extremely difficult for her to determine. When she spoke, her audience was her computer screen, and it ended at that. Text on a monitor was no different than reading it *or writing* upon it. The story she was in love with was her own, and she made flesh and blood characters out of the dialogue which appeared on her screen, and treated them as such. They merely wanted to converse, but to Heather Sims, it was either Love or War, her way or the the highway. Heather will be remembered by the Clark Administration at a conversation they had one day with the English Faculity (since the two buildings are across the street from each other on Woodland Street). One day, Professor Johnson was sitting with one of the "Children" of OIS in the year 2024, discussing a theory that the Professor was developing about "wordums", which described the flexible syntax of language to format concepts based upon fusing them together, as opposed to breaking them apart. In the future, the year 2024, all professors were habitually calling employees at OIS, "The Children", since they had advanced beyond computer technolgy and now developed and controlled complete language transactions systems Clark was selling to other Universitrons. When Professor Johnson explained the concept of Wordums to one of the Children, she mentioned, "o, a 'wordum' is like a Sims without Text." "Yes, master," said Johnson. Sims will be remembered like a woman without a sex, a book without text. To her, all language was alive like drunks in a bar drinking down egos like beers. But the beers were sold not by one bartender, and paid for by our presence, they were sold among ourselves with prices and qualities unimaginable to OIS, but the The Children of OIS, they know the price. They will use Sims as word like they use Freud: "Ah, that was a Simsian Slip" to identify someone who was fairly unintelligent, but bashed her head hard enough to make it work. Dumb blonde comes to mind here, but Sims was not like that. Actually (and I know she will be reading this), I give her credit for using her account as sacrifice ---the "living policy" OIS has now shown to us ---consecrated her spirit, so she will live forever for us. Ironically, in her absence, OIS has given Sims the ultimate power. I think a lot of people will miss Heather's "character" on Vax, but there will be many other writers, and many other stories to be created by the community. It will be difficult to challenge a deity. -Submitted for Approval to Various Avenues of Attention -Mr. Johnson - From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 15-JUN-1997 23:52:53 Subj: Any quiet place in Worcester #269 of 277 GENERAL Date: 15-JUN-1997 03:26 Expires: 13-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Any quiet place in Worcester Where is the most quietest place to live in Worcester? Your input will bring me much value as an internal quest. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 19-JUN-1997 00:00:07 Subj: Message 13 from CASE folder: Sims revisited #262 of 269 GENERAL Date: 18-JUN-1997 19:32 Expires: 16-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Message 13 from CASE folder: SIMS revisted In the spirit of Heather's permanent disappearance, I found the following message from the CASE folder, to merely illustrate that even early on in the SIMS career how the planting of moonseeds take shape when they grown inside the mindwomb. **************************************************************** From: JACK::BSHEEHAN Date: 2-OCT-1995 02:25:04 Subj: RE: It's funny [deletion] . . said about you considering your actions on this matter. DENY that you went to Campus Police. You did, you took VAX into REAL life, YOU crossed the line, YOU took this as reality. YOU took this seriously. Please Heather, Please tell us how you would possibly dress a breast up to look like a Barbie. Tell me where there could be ANY bit of reality in this happening to you? >You folks are so totally melodramatic that it's funny. I laugh at this whole thing, every post I see you make in this "folder you don't need" makes me laugh more at your worthless, pitiful, life. You graduated 6 years ago, Heather. Can't you possibly think of something more productive to do than sit at work and respond to eveything posted on vax? Is From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 19-JUN-1997 00:00:12 Subj: Ari Herzog #263 of 269 GENERAL Date: 18-JUN-1997 19:41 Expires: 16-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Ari Herzog Disappeared, just like Sims. He has nobody to take care of him now. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 19-JUN-1997 00:00:16 Subj: Observation on CASE folder #264 of 269 GENERAL Date: 18-JUN-1997 19:43 Expires: 16-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Observation on CASE folder. ALERT: CALLING OIS RE: VICKTUM OF SENSATIVITY PLACE: CASE FOLDER DESCRIPTION: F FOUL LANGUAGE. MALE-ORIENTED HUMOUR. SIMS WOULD BE PROUND From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 19-JUN-1997 00:00:24 Subj: Heather Sims Summer Celebration Walk #265 of 269 GENERAL Date: 18-JUN-1997 21:49 Expires: 16-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Heather Sims Summer Celebration Walk ATTENTION OIS SERVICES DISTRIBUTION AREA RE: UTILIZATION OF ATTETNION PURPOSE: MOCKERY ONLY. BEGGING FOR UNDERSTANDING OPTIONAL FAX NUMBER: JOHNSON Dear office of the institutional state (ois): Thank you for removing the following subject human example from further agonizing ability to formulate expression: HEATHER SIMS. In order to complete your application, we need to formally have your permission to make the following announcement. You may post this announcement in an area which is convenient for you and does not pose a threat to your status: INSTITUTION. ********HEATHER SIMS SUMMER CELEBRATION WALK********** There will be several invitations being distributed to you to come take part and meet Sims as we go walking up a mountain. We plan to leave Sunday , June 22, 1997 and drive to Mount Mamanock (on the New Hampshire Border) We will pack several refreshing drinks on the way. Jack, Bagel, Heather (main event), Megan, Tamara (ex-grrlfriend), and Stephanie. Patt has a bum foot, so probgley won't come. Everyone is welcome to come and join the celebration to walk up the mountain on Sunday (we plan to leave around 10am) call me at 799-2918 for further clarification , (if any), if necessary. *************END OF ANNOUNCEMENT**************************** Thank you for your helpful and eager manner in which you display to the receipiants of this hollyful formated communication, a and we welcome and glamourize any further attempts at even subtle humour or attempts at mockery, which will be dealt with swiftly and most sweatly. Sincerely, Very Large Problems Corporation Wilmington Wussie, MA> *****THIS WAS MERELY A JOKE. I DON'T MEAN ANYTHING******** But the Summer walk is true. Please come with us, since you can't read Heather on Vax, might as well talk to her in person :) From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 19-JUN-1997 00:06:01 Subj: Re: dishes #8 of 8 AMUSING-MUSES Date: 18-JUN-1997 19:11 Expires: 2-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: dishes ->Chagelstein is the only person I know who puts paper plates in the ->sink after he is done with them. I guess it's a good thing he doesn't ->have an automatic dishwasher. I leave my clothes in the toilet. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-JUN-1997 11:46:14 Subj: Re: BUNK BED frame for sale: #258 of 260 GENERAL Date: 24-JUN-1997 22:22 Expires: 22-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: BUNK BED frame for sale: ->Red metal bunk bed frame with ladder and guard rails for sale. ->Top-twin size; bottom, full. ->Bought in late May, impulse purchase. ->Willing to throw in bottom mattress for interested buyer. $140. does price include delivery? ATTN: OIS THIS IS A REAL QUESTION, I AM NOT MOCKING THE SITUATION, NOR INDICATING THE IMPLICIT METAPHORICAL SIDEBAR USING THE SYNTACTICAL EXPRESSION "DELIVERY" IN IT DOUBLE-SEXUAL MEANING. THANK YOU , WHEW! I LOVE VAX, PLESE, I WILL BE GOOD. NO MORE FUNNY WEIRD EXPRESSIONS, NO MORE BAGWATCH, Dearchagelstein: Regarding your awful reversal narecantissim, the following rules and regulations have been violated, and servitude to conventional english grammar shall be imposed, including: (1) Clear sentence structure containing at least one objective. (2) Elimination of non-sequitor "stream of conciousness" style which often blesses your ignormockical linguoid. (3) Immediate increase of ATM Bank Card password from 4 digit to 235 digits, entered upon withdrawals, transfers and account balance confirmation. Please come see me in the various ways you must compensate for communicumbrance between nodes, earthy or otherwise. We wish to redirect your dialphone to the main central department: BAGWATCH (still in effect) From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-JUN-1997 11:50:15 Subj: Re: Any quiet place in Worcester #221 of 260 GENERAL Date: 16-JUN-1997 07:13 Expires: 14-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Any quiet place in Worcester ->->Where is the most quietest place to live in Worcester? ->->Your input will bring me much value as an internal ->->quest. -> ->Well, my place on Illinois St. is pretty quiet, except for when the trains go ->by... Yah, I lived on 69 illnois st in '92-'93. The trains were charming. But the downstair's neighborhad a TV playing war movies till 2am. LIVING CONDITION UPDATE SINCE 1987: PLACE DATE LEFT REASON(S) FOR MOVE: Brooklyn, NY. 11/87 Housemates New Hyde Pk, NY. 1/88 Transportation Queens, NY. 4/88 Familiy Member 6 Shirly St., Worc. 6/88 Sublet Ended Grand St., Worc. 8/88 Sublet Ended Richards St., Worc 9/88 Sublet Ended Main St., Worc 1/89 Noise Lovell St., Worc 8/89 Money Somerville, MA. 8/90 Roommates West Newton, MA. 10/90 Landlord/Housemate Watertown, MA. 12/90 Sublet Ended 2 Shirley St.,Worc 5/91 Roommate 6 Shirley St., Worc 8/91 Sublet Ended 126 Woodland, Worc 8/92 House Falling Apart 69 Illinois, Worc 5/93 Noise From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-JUN-1997 00:48:19 Subj: Passed-out coffee #258 of 260 GENERAL Date: 25-JUN-1997 18:54 Expires: 23-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: passed-out coffee dear coffee: I know its been a long time since we had a serious conversation about our relationship, so plese be gentle. This morning, when I splashed you on my face to wake me up, I was only trying to love you. The coffee stains on the counter, the old spoon I mix you with milk, the god-awful metaphors I sweeten you with, all of this, is making me crazy. I love you, coffee , but I can't be with you forever. I see you at Starbucks and at Store 2-4 , sipping your time away with other fools...so be it! I'm not going to be jealous over a Dunkin Donut or some simple-minded diner cup of coffee. Haveay a regular with two creams, you'll say! Or how about a little whipped cream with cinammon on top? No to that two. I'm a man, coffee, and I can pick up coffee at a vending machine, a gas station, even one of those ice-cream trucks that pass on by, looking to scoop a poor romantic addict like me for a measley buck or two. This is not good bye--- just a time to separate so we can have space, to explore other relationships, to live unto ourselve...ultimately to regain my sense of peace. I have to do what I have to do, coffee, so here's your cup and filter, and off you go. Flirt with someone else's dreams for a change, while you drive them crazy with your sweet auroma and fresh brew. love, chris From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 28-JUN-1997 11:56:40 Subj: Re: Bagel Slam Dunks Again #261 of 261 GENERAL Date: 28-JUN-1997 07:43 Expires: 26-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Bagel Slam Dunks Again ->This is not an integer test. -> ->Bagel, you've done it again. ->Question: Why don't you write for money? -> ->Not/Steve Integer Testing Corporation 500 Franklin Place Suite 345 New York, NY. 10012 Dear Mr. Client: Recently, our linguistic system has invited us to purchase the rough draft of your next "form letter" mocking the style and meaning of business correspondence. The purpose of our letter is not real; it merely is written for the general distribution and enjoyment of members who reside on Vax. Historically, monetary considerations have been derived from members' rendering compensation to the writer *before* the transaction, to gain consideration to the expression. However, we at Integer Testing Corporation render compensation from disabling the reader's ability to assemble meaning *after* the transaction is complete. We save the customer time and understanding by allowing them to experience satisfactory bewilderment after the application of meaningless communication, not before. Here are some testimonials: "Bagel is a freak of nature; stupid and confusion, I can't believe he ever learned to read." -Grown-up person. "The writing of Bagel is wrapped-up with fog, hokum and egosod." -Johnson "When he used to come over to Poker, Bagel was the most pathetic example of betting with metaphor rather than relationships." -Mr. X "Bagel has been approved for Level 4 testing at the Clark University's Lab for Graduate Imperialism." -Richard Traina From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 30-JUN-1997 12:58:31 Subj: Craig: Absolutely a great blender #252 of 252 GENERAL Date: 30-JUN-1997 11:17 Expires: 28-JUL-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Craig: Absolutely a great blender Craig FittleQueen Towering Towers Worcester, MA. 01677 Dear Craig: Mr. Johnson and myself are writing this introduction to the form letter of your party last night. It was absolutely a mario brothers devine. Cocktails served du jour, the smallest bovine meatballs my husband has ever enjoyed, and rummaging for fire trucks celebrities outside. We were fogged-up after the guests did their single file through the hallway afterwards. Obviously, this next sentence would constitute the initial beginning of the second paragraph of this letter for you; alas, writing shotgun next to a hackster on this road of observation entails a great deal of patience. Frankly, the music of Queen imitating "Weird Al" Yankivic eating your spicy bohemian soup and Jennifers "box" cake enlived the otherwise institutional $1,200 per month Worcester apatment you lord over. I suggested to my husband that they should move Manhantten up in order to justify your rent! All he did was do the joystick on your archetypical Macintosh computer. Thank you, craig, this first sentence is the beginning of the third paragraph where I will detail the processing of my gratitude using standard convenience of english language as opposed to hob nobbing around with its purposelessness. In the second sentence, I wrote the fact that I came back to the party with my 20$ to buy The Cure compact disc, and wrang your door.belly with the passion of a miser seeking the entrance into the Towering Towers of Gold, but nobody answered the call. I biked back home and slept through my misery with an empty phonebook and 5000 messages in my eyes from spam@mail.com Sincerely, Barbara Johnson Nice People, In-General **************************ATTN: OIS, OFFICE OF INFORMATION SERVITUDE**** DISCLAIMER: ALL REFERENCES TO THE UNDUE APPEARANCES OF INDIVIDUALS IN THE ABOVE "CREATIVE" WRITING SESSION ARE NEIGHTER ENTITLED NOR ORDER TO SUBMIT TO JUDGEMENT OR ARRAIGNMENT IN A COURT OF LAW, OR, OTHERWISE, A PLACE WHERE MEN AND WOMEN STIR CONQUEST AND RIDE THE CONFLICTS. ANY ASSEMBLEAGE OF MEANING , OR DERIVITATION THEREOF, INCLUDING IMAGINATION, THREAT OF TRUTHS, SOLITUDE, COZYNESS, WALL-WATCHING, OR SOMETHING SIMILARLY TOUCHING UPON THE SENSIBILIES BEHAVING VICTUMIZED BY THE HARSHNESS OF REALITY WILL BE DEALT WITH IN TERMS OF FULL FORCE AND BANISHED FROM: THE TOWERING TOWERS Thank you, Craig. I see you never sold the blender. ATTN: OIS, OFFICE OF INFORMATION SERVICES: DISCLAIMERS: THE WORD "BLENDER" WAS MEANT AS THE ACTUAL CULINARY ARTIFACT IN WHICH THE SENTENCE WAS EXPRESSED, IT WAS NOT MEANT TO CONVEY A METAPHOR OF CRAIG'S SOCIO-CAPITALISTIC EXPRESSIONISM (IE: 'sold the beldner') NOR WAS IT MEANT TO DISPELL THE VERY UNPLEASANT SOCIAL ATMOSPHERE WHEN ONE IS UNABLE TO SELL THE BLENDER AFTER PLEAS FROM THE OWNER ATTESTING TO ITS RELIABLE PERFORMANCE . ATTN: OIS, OFFICE OF INFORMATION SYSTEMS: DISCLAIMER OF DISCLAIMER: PREVIOUSLY, A DISCLAIMER INCLUDED A SYMBOLIC REFERENCE TO A METAPHOR WHICH WAS INTENDED TO PROVIDE THE DEFINITION OF THE CULINARY INSTRUMENT (A BLENDER) WITH AN ASSOCIATION OF ITS ACTION (PERFORMANCE) WHICH WAS MERELY AN OPINION ASSUMED THAT OBJECTS OF USEFUL REALITY EMPLOY. Thank you, Bagel. I see you never sold the blender. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 10-JUL-1997 20:00:00 Subj: Re: Where? #200 of 209 GENERAL Date: 9-JUL-1997 18:53 Expires: 6-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Where? ->Ok. Great suggestions, but where are all these places? I drive down ->Main Street with my eyes peeled on the pedestrians that seem to choose ->to jump out right in front of me at all hours of the night. -> ->Approximate directions would be helpful. I work at 484 Main St. That is a starting point. Go outside your building and turn left. Then turn right. Locate the nearest set of traffic lights and hold up your left leg for approximately 6 and a half minutes. Breath in a fashion relative to your comfort level. Put leg down and walk down Exchange Street. After 3 minutes of walking, stop. Turn around counter-clockwise. Resume walking in the opposite direction until you reach a glass window of a store. Stand in front of window and view your body briefly. Bow, squat down momentarily, remove shirt standing in upright position. Walk down to McDonalds on main street, pass it while skiping a tune, take left on Front Street, then take left into mini mall past Strawberries. Go into the Mini mall, past the post office, and into the Chinese restaurant on the right. They have chicken and lo mein for $3.95 (big plate). From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-JUL-1997 20:49:11 Subj: Re: My house has a bit "Sony" logo on it #207 of 224 GENERAL Date: 10-JUL-1997 23:09 Expires: 7-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: My house has a bit "Sony" logo on it ->I hate marketing. -> ->I installed a satellite dish yesterday. Very cool. One of those 18" DSS ->systems. Perfectly clear picture. I only subscribed to the real basic stuff, ->but still that's probably 100 channels. -> ->But Sony puts their name/logo on the dish, in huge letters. So now someone ->driving up the street sees an ad for Sony on the side of my house. -> ->Arghh. Walls. Yesterday, I sat in my room. Very cool. One of those studio apartments. Perfectly clear situation. I only subscribed to the real basic philosophy of life, but still thats probably over a 1000 years old. But Someone put walls up, in huge words. So now people ask me why I sit in my room, and I say... Walls. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-JUL-1997 20:50:21 Subj: Great News: PORK ROAST GROUND #208 of 224 GENERAL Date: 10-JUL-1997 23:52 Expires: 7-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Great News: PORK ROAST GROUND Great News! SHOGBUCKS ANNOUNCES NEW COFFEE: PORK ROAST GROUND ***Excerpt from BEVERAGE DIGEST*************** 11:35 PM 7/10/97 SHOGBUCKS Coffee revealed a new speciality brand of coffee today which is blended with fresh pork. The coffee, called PORK ROAST GROUND, will be available nationwide at all Shogbucks coffee stores. Some of the coffee creations of Pork Roast Ground will include Pork Latte with Cabbage, Porky Cappuccino, and Arametto Pig. CEO of SHogbucks, Frank Footer, announced the new brand of coffee at a special presentation in Boston with researchers from Clark University, who were primarily responsible for developing the "unique taste" of the coffee, and creating the preservation of the meat in the coffee grinds. Researchers succeeded in preserving the meat after watching videos of academic, social and government communication systems. "The purpose of marketing pork roast ground is primarily based upon observing of customers drinking coffee after a heavy meal," explains Footer. "After someone eats, they usually get tired, so we decided to have the coffee mixed with a meat, pork in this case, to heighten the coffee lover's after-dinner experience, and also keep them awake." Sales of pork roast ground are expected to take off immediately based upon the heavy Web-page promotion which is already taking place. Vistors to the site http://shogbucks.com/porkroast.ground can actually download samples of the meaty coffee. The grounds are decompressed to travel through phone lines and emitted from the coffee lover's phone jack onto the floor. "All you have to do is scoop up the pork roast ground with a spoon and then brew" says Footer. Coffee lovers from around the world are planning to travel to Boston this week when pork roast ground makes its debut. Sarah Washington plans to travel the way in all way from England in a coffee-bean shapped plane with a pigs head. Bob Hottbop, Head of Public Relations at Shogbucks, plans to hold a press conference and reveal some of the shirts and baseball caps of the special Expresso coffee with little chunks of pig feet. "'I don't think I can think as I drink'" Washington exclaims, quoting the famous poet, Fog Porklog, who wrote the well-known poem about eating bacon and drinking coffee on the banks of the Thames River with Wordsworth: "-Lovely, God, how He Doth bequest- Visionary scenes before breakfast of eggs and toast and tasty bacon Sitting with thee, pen with no ink- I don't think I can think -- now -- As I drink my coffee." -1878 Fog PorkLog from the "Victorian Breakfast Poetry" From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-JUL-1997 11:48:57 Subj: Re: Local Chinese Food #231 of 239 GENERAL Date: 13-JUL-1997 09:27 Expires: 10-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Local Chinese Food The tendancy for chinese food to remain a top priority in my after-drink ceremony has diminished in value. Craig is correct. Its kinda ironic that the Best Chinese Restaurant (yes, that's right, that's the name of the place), on main street has the mushiest pork fried rice I've ever know. Tin Tin Buffet and Panda Express are like the BMW and Ford Espire of chinese buffet food, respectively. Worcester is basically a haven for pizza and chinese food places, based upon its distribution of low-savings rate, uneducated and poorly budgeted educated student-rate population. Makers of the chinese food have their roots in a long-term plan to disable eaters with awful gooey and heart-disease promotion of food. Appetite is a necessary function of operation, but its also exploited to inject test subjects with chemicals, to observe their reactions, and eventually control them. If you eat or drink anything prepared by a stranger's hand, your basically working twice as hard to eject it from your system. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-JUL-1997 11:49:59 Subj: Re: My house has a bit "Sony" logo on it #234 of 239 GENERAL Date: 13-JUL-1997 09:40 Expires: 10-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: My house has a bit "Sony" logo on it ->->But Someone put walls up, in huge words. So now people ->->ask me why I sit in my room, and I say... ->-> ->->Walls. -> ->Hagelstein's genius. -> ->Not/Steve thanks, bill. I know I said I would pay you 10 dollars for posting this, but can you give me complete description? (I promise I'll pay you more). From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-JUL-1997 11:50:24 Subj: Re: Bulletin's Boring Nature #235 of 239 GENERAL Date: 13-JUL-1997 09:42 Expires: 10-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Bulletin's Boring Nature ->Well, Else, I tried. But rather than a pointed discussion about our privilaged ->nature at the pinacle of society, people would rather argue about where to get ->good chinese food in Worcester (easy answer--you don't). -> ->Not/Satisfied And, I tried to contribute towards the discussion but began to fail. I promise to be normal someday. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-JUL-1997 11:51:23 Subj: Re: El Morroco #238 of 239 GENERAL Date: 13-JUL-1997 10:23 Expires: 10-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: El Morroco ->I tried it five or six years ago. The food was decent, but ->expensive, and the atmosphere was pretentious. -> ->Much better food, and (to my taste) better atmosphere at ->The Valley Restaurant (if it's still in business). -> ->Lee Rudolph I found the El Morroco to be like a cross-pollenation of 1970's greek disco tough guys and divorced ladies socializing with their high school pals. Everybody dresses nicely and dances through the night in their fancy Tango bar, a subsidary of delightful dark mysterious booths where Frankie Avalon meets Bruno D'Headbust. The woman are plump and gorgeous comic strippers with vicious makeup from some kind of developed bitch-chick biker movie. I found that the bartenders greeted you with a fond disparagingly good look when ordering a simple Budweiser, as most other sophisticated patrons owned gargoyle-styled drinks sparkling in neon fanfare, costing as much as week's worth of groceries. THe environs of El Morrco and typically very dark and smokey. But these are not clove or rolled tobacco like in europe, but Virginia Slims and Newport Lights. The dance floor is as large as a typical living room, and the band stands around in typical band fashion testing equipment, a couple of one-line rhetorical questions from the singer (ie: "how's everyone surviving/doing out there?"), and then regouging out the same flat butt rock n'roll leftover from some other radio-tested habitat merry-go-round. The eating area is standard wide-angle view, with round tables and some little booths. You get the feeling the Speaker of the United States will be appearing on stage and everyone will stop eating momentarily to observe his indication of attention being generated from his pre-formatted communication. Successfully, however, this is not the case. Instead, cotton napkins folded like darling party hats on plates are thick, manly silverware are laid in orderly fashion, and oversized menus are given to you immediately, with a xerox copied description of the specials paperclipped to the inside. The meal , however, is spectacular, and usually is too big to consume without frequent interruptions of conversation, of observation, of generating discussion suitable to all the individuals who are participating in the event you are witnessing. However, the food must be consumed, and the big chairs and large table makes for efficent input of edible variables to produce hardy laughter and furtive vocal construction when the mandibles are calm. The service was quick and water was poured from a goblet instrument with ice clinking around. The waitress we had was full of cultural motherhood and wore a breath of humid sensuality from decades of growing young men to work in Worcester's factories. Her understanding would not tolerate any mocketh, OIS, so I said I was from Clark University, and she seemed to be fond of such a name. I gave her a photo copy of my diploma and a notepack of scribble, went to the cook, and I was booted out and changed to Un-El-Mocorrco, Non-native of Worcester. Apparently, they thought I was there to create parody, although my computer was at home. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUL-1997 22:24:39 Subj: Re: Eleni's Midnight Cafe closing #281 of 286 GENERAL Date: 14-JUL-1997 21:33 Expires: 11-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Eleni's Midnight Cafe closing ->->Today is their final day of business -> -> I panicked when I read this, and hopped on the web, got their phone number, ->and made a few calls. Today, the world came to a dead halt. Regions, all over the globe, panicked when a restaurant in Worcester, MA. announced they were going out of business. Over 10 million hits were logged into the restaurant's Web home page in a matter of 1 hour, more than the Mars Patherfinder mission. -> -> Patt's correct. Today is their last day of business. When asked why she was ->closing, Eleni said "Oh, the usual business reasons. No money." When asked if ->she would start up another establishment, she said "Not very likely." She ->sounded very sad. -> Mack is correct. Today marks the end of what one calls "an era." When asked why the closing of a one nostril could effect the populations of Los Angeles and New York City, Mack replied, "Capitalism, the curse, the plague of creation brings the common hopes and dreams down to their porcelin dreams, flushed out and sewage bound." He sounded very sad. -> I, on the other hand, am very MAD. Why? Because our good friends, role ->models and mentors at CLARK UNIVERSITY decided to screw Eleni out of the ->location on the corner of Hawthorne and Main, instead opting to put in the ->crappy Kaminazis, which is not even owned by locals. Reality, on the other hand, is very USELESS. Why? Because good fiends, rogue models and centaurs at Capital Letters UNIVERSITY decided to lower the price on the corner of Hawthorne and Main for the alien Kaminazis, who were not even looking to pay less: Clark was just flexing community majesty its Main South Kingdom. ->In fact, it is owned by ->two real estate parasites, who make their money fixing places up and then ->subletting them to the highest bidder-- a plan which obviously lines their ->pockets well, but hurts the local economy, destroys sense of community, ->and results in no care taken for the building nor the business (notice that ->even though NOBDY ever went to Kaminazis, it didn't seem to matter? That's ->because they were simply waiting to sublet to the idiotic, jock-friendly sports ->bar). -> In fact, there is writing owned by authors of opinion who make their craft out of fixing the moral rights and wrong, then subletting them to the highest reader --- a plan which is obviously linear to their goals, but pockets the harmony of heroism, assigns fault to the community and results in no action (notice that though EVERYBODY is reading this, it doesn't seem to matter?) That's because we are simply waiting to be subjects to the idiotic, jock-friendly sports conversation groups of the next post. -> There's speculation about what happened with the deal between Clark and ->Eleni. Eleni and friends (as well as competitors, such as locals at Wendy's ->Clark Brunch) maintain that Clark reneged on their deal, letting Eleni raise ->the money for a large down payment and then yanking the rug out from under ->her. Jack Foley maintains a different story, the slippery nature of which ->eludes me at the moment. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding, I don't know. -> There's always a way to speculate about what could happen if President of Overall Cultural and Environmental Distribution of Assets and Dialogue University invited poor little wanderlust entrepeneur to Thy Mansion on Woodland Street Where the Education Hath Spawned. As the Manifest God of Faternity spreads his Wings over the Elder Womanhood of Worcester, goblets of Jesus' Tears mixed with the Magnetic Dust on Mars atmosphere would rain upon the reunion between the Old Winter New England Mythoid and Crunchy Utilitarian Bostonian Muses flying around singing "3 Cheers Till Moynies!" -> But I DO know that REAL school that REALLY cared about its community would ->have made sure Eleni moved here YEARS ago. So FUCK YOU JACK FOLEY and the rest ->of your press-release-passing, big-business-boosting, responsiblity-shirking, ->glad-handing, promise-issuing, point-missing, silver-and-forked-tongued, ->unclear-on-the-concept lackies. You've finally killed the last decent business ->in Worcester. So stick that in your UPNRP flyers and smoke it. Assholes. But Do I know that REAL school anymore? THe one that REALLY Lorded over its community after purchasing all the property to Pleasant street? No, so REVOKE MY RIGHTS TO BULLETIN, as I symbolically sacrifice my common sense to say-hyphenated-words, pissed-off-about- something, young-man-on-a-cross, gladfully-redeemed, and thankful-to-say-this-on-vax From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUL-1997 22:25:10 Subj: Re: Eleni's Midnight Cafe closing #283 of 286 GENERAL Date: 14-JUL-1997 21:51 Expires: 11-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Eleni's Midnight Cafe closing You, Bill and Randy, have made very good arguments againstthe Satan University. Expressed in unease and disgust, its virtual truth can be known from you wanderers through these academic brothels. Its sad to see that your ideas and passions will have no impact on Clark's policies and will your futile dreams will be renamed: Stubble and undeveloped. Clark, like any institution, parallels the development of its kinds in technology, management and finance. They orginial purpose to provide for the well-being of its subjects; to educate and research; to feed the soil seed to grow in the sunlight of demockracy. But cultural transactions are a zero-sum game, where the viewer shall see themselves in the mirror and say, "hey, that's not me"; where the speaker on the telephone will say, "hey, I'm not talking to anyone, just a phone," where belief-systems, worship-reactors and romantic landing units will all kiss the sky, deafening the thunderbolts passed on by history. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUL-1997 22:25:39 Subj: Re: El Morroco #285 of 286 GENERAL Date: 14-JUL-1997 21:58 Expires: 11-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: El Morroco ->->Has anyone tried this place? Care to post a review? -> ->Used to be good. Very good. It's gone a bit down hill as of late, though. ->Their humus and meat / spinach pies were out of this world, as well as most ->of their other lamb dishes. I'm glad you didn't say sperm. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUL-1997 22:26:00 Subj: No Sperm #286 of 286 GENERAL Date: 14-JUL-1997 22:01 Expires: 11-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: No Sperm Today, I looked at a computer screen from 7am - 7pm. Then at 7:30pm I was home. Walls. Wrote a paragraph of Story, Cat Hairs. Ate Potato Bread Water. Off Computer. Then More walls. **End of Program 1001-Repeat If Chris=Tomorrow, Work Else, Goto Bed From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 18-JUL-1997 12:55:52 Subj: Re: Need a fridge #283 of 283 GENERAL Date: 18-JUL-1997 06:48 Expires: 15-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Need a fridge ->Something that I found helpful while living at Clark was renting a ->microfridge, combination refrigerator/microwave. If you live in the ->dorms, it's very convenient (though maybe pricey $50/semester) ->because they are very clean and compact and you don't have to ->worry about moving it-physical plant puts them in the room. You ->could also split the rental cost with a roommate. A space-living conditioner unit costs a lot less. Its very conveinent, because its a combination spacesuit/studio apartment with a breathing apparatus hooked up to the kitchen. You put yourself in the movies, and , like VOILA, you have films of cameras taking pictures of mirrors and wheels. You don't have to cook anything because you have physical plant putting your microfidge endowed with meats, fruits and other edibles unexperienced prepared. From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 19-JUL-1997 23:09:34 Subj: Verbal Bagel "It takes a lot of reality to be disablized." From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 22-JUL-1997 12:02:44 Subj: Re: Frisbee at 5:00 pm #285 of 285 GENERAL Date: 22-JUL-1997 06:08 Expires: 19-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Frisbee at 5:00 pm ->->Alright this is serious, be there or get trashed by Tom Gibson's robot. Best ->->player of the day will be voted at the end of the game. Everyone could use ->->some workout and friendship. -> ->You've got to stop mixing your metaphors. Examples of Mixed Metaphors: 1. Old Lady was waiting for bus on Riverside Pkway. How long was she waiting? 2. Dry food in plastic shopping bag was consumed while walking down crowded broadway street to see a movie which was sold out. Was the movie the walk down the street? 3. Very drunken host sponsors vomitfest on West 424 Street, Manhattan Why was it called a "theme" party? 4. Sunflower whilts in 2 liter bottle of RC Soda filled with water. Would the flower grow if it was filled with the actual soda? 5. Lots of room to spread out and sleep on top of West 424 Street until 6 am. What was I doing there? From: JACK::RMACK1 Date: 22-JUL-1997 19:38:22 Subj: More Verbal Bagel Cathy: "I'm moving to New York." Bagel: "I'm going to visit. Cathy: "Well, do you want my address?" Bagel: "No." Cathy: "Well, then how are you going to find me?" Bagel: "Cathy, I'm a man..." From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 24-JUL-1997 20:22:25 Subj: Re: july 20th #287 of 290 GENERAL Date: 24-JUL-1997 19:53 Expires: 21-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: july 20th ->is tomorrow ->it is also my birthday!!!! ->just wanted to share ->amy Dear Amy. Your correspondence has been received regarding the pleasure we have been bestowed with upon the announcement of your birthday. Unfortunately, we are unable to return to our "real" selves since your announcement. Some of us have resorted to drink and eating strange fruit. Others, by virtue of their intellect, have preoccupied themselves with forming Web pages, preparing dry, somewhat post-modern, food which comes convienently in bags worldwide. However, there is still a chance, Amy, that you will, in all your powers, lift this spell from us, and return us to the delightful meandering ways of our existence, to once again look at the walls of our rooms and say, "I am a Man." Sincerely, Questionable Assumption of Rationale The Ravishing Adian Reynolds Wrap From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 24-JUL-1997 20:22:47 Subj: Re: Frisbee #288 of 290 GENERAL Date: 24-JUL-1997 19:54 Expires: 21-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Frisbee ->Ultimate frisbee - 5:00 PM, Sunday, on the green. Be there, or be Steve Guo. -> -> -CT Will the gentleman from Bill Evans country be available for catch, perhaps? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 24-JUL-1997 20:23:53 Subj: Re: OIS=DOA? MIA? SpEd? #290 of 290 GENERAL Date: 24-JUL-1997 20:20 Expires: 21-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: OIS=DOA? MIA? SpEd? -> We lost our shownew settings again. Or I did, anyway. About two days ago. Apparently you are unaware of the comman DELETE RMACK1.COM in your startup file. Someone must of broke into your conciousness and made you the only man on earth to be affected. Feel free to reboot your observation. -> -> Maybe they're trying to encourage us to leave our messages on 3x5 cards on ->bulletin boards in Jonas Clark instead of using up prescious computer ->equipment which the Administration so desperately needs to keep themselves ->employing each other. Looks like we students are in the way again. -> -> Announcment: Starting July 29th, all students, employees and faculty who have an account on the Clark University Vax system will be asked to meet once a week in what's called "Old Square". The BULLETIN system will be replaced by an off-line, physical location, whereby users will drift around "posting" through verbal exchange. We are being told by the adminstration to stay within a basket-ball-court sized area, and be well-groomed. They encourgage everyone to use proper discourse, and bring the proper photo identification and paperwork each time before starting. To keep with the spirit of a "virtual" community, the physical location will rotate on a weekly basis, beginning at 424 West 50th st. , Manhatten. Full bar will be available. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 24-JUL-1997 20:24:00 Subj: Re: Table fan for sale #289 of 290 GENERAL Date: 24-JUL-1997 20:10 Expires: 21-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Table fan for sale ->Table fan for sale. Good deal. Call 795-6107. If I'm not in leave a ->message on the answering machine and I'll get back to you. I said those words once, too. I remember it well. Hi, my name is chris hagelstein, and a long time ago, I tried to sell a table fan. It was in really good condition, but something wasn't quite right. The problem was, well, I don't know how to say this. I fell in love with my fan. I know, I know what your saying. "He fell in love with a 'fan'?" When I went to the movies with my fan, I used to feed it shredded paper. When I went to BlugarFestival, the famous Blugar Town HiHo, I bought a pumpkin dress for my fan, and kiss it on its steel cage. I even spoke to it, using a hypotheiscope, when I plugged it in after I got out of the shower. My fan said to me, "I love you, chriss, but I'm a fan." I started to listen at that point. I thought I was crazy. I KNEW I was crazy, loving a fan. I called my pschyologist, and put a Pentium on the phone, makeing the phyothiscope better. Guess what happened. My phone stole my fan! All because the PHONE had an answering machine, and all I had was my love. They ran off together into the mythstomps of romonecromicon while Mack Bolthrower sang "Pleasuredine", an old Classifieds Ad Pictoid from Uncle Company. Sincerely, Dear Reversal of Form Letters: Thank you for replying en prose, to the ending of your story with a form letter to catagorize the irrelevance of the forgoing. I think its highly unmusical to indentify a form letter at the ending of conversation, with no particular purpose in mind, besides inhabitating the boundries of time and conversation of which no person, human or OTHERWISE (IDEA: FAN), has the conceptuality to promise eager reponse. Therefore, thank you for reply and appending the following return address obviously disguised via language: 7/24/97 Attn: Worcester MA. Return Receipt Requested. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 24-JUL-1997 23:46:12 Subj: Re: AWIESENFELD #73 of 73 FLAME Date: 24-JUL-1997 20:31 Expires: 7-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: AWIESENFELD ->->Dave, did i miss any? ->-> ->->not/jobless -> ->Fireman, Train Engineer, Exotic Dancer, Truck Driver. Logfowl. Mosque Landowner. Owl Imitator Grass Blower. Fork Collector and Purchaser. Tire Stacker Guy. Forsenic Day Surgery Chef Box stuffer. Newspaper Catagorical Manager. Road Inspector. Early Party Gadget Manufacture From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 28-JUL-1997 13:46:50 Subj: Re: BAND NAMES #304 of 323 GENERAL Date: 26-JUL-1997 11:55 Expires: 23-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: BAND NAMES THERE ARE A COUPLE OF VERSIONS OF SERIOUS NATURE BANDS YOU SAID TO BE ZAWARE OF: 1. Bolthrower: 2. Carcass 3. Deicide 4. Polly Voodoo 5. Moth Cow 6. Long Furniture Lifting Magazine 7. Pasturized Shadow Raindew 8. Egg Throat 9. Mooshi Blast Fornication 10. Left Woof Hunger 11. Master Droom 12. Happy Fangled Theorm 13. Mast Plause 14. Orange Fushion wea 15. Percentage of Assets Consumed (PAC) 16. Video Mercantile Menstration 17. Warshog 18. Beast Pussy 19. Cliff Slip Surprise 20. Binary Brothel 21. Cranium Pudding and Yorksour Helmet 22. Wearing a Yorksour Helmet while Eating Cranium Pudding 23. Putting Potty Down 24. Pawn Checkout 25. Fairly Expensive Company (FEC) 26. Drugs Over Troubled Water 27. Sanctuary that Forgot Itself From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 28-JUL-1997 13:47:08 Subj: Re: Looking for a good Vet #305 of 323 GENERAL Date: 26-JUL-1997 12:09 Expires: 23-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Looking for a good Vet ->I'm looking for a good veterinarian for my dog. I have gone to Abbott's ->annimal clinic and I didn't care for how they treated my dog or my questions. -> ->I am looking for quality care, affordability, and appointment availability. -> ->I'd really appreciate any help in finding a good one or eliminating the bad onesAlso if any one knows of a web site or something where I can look for one that ->would be good to. -> ->Thanks At work, I get health insurance through Tufts, which also has a veterinarian school. Their insurance covers my owner and myself when we go to the doctor. I used to go to Abbotts, and I they primarily assumed, right off the bat, that, since I was a dog, then I wouldn't mind a cute little doggie toy, or one of those yummie biscuits for my tummy. Needless to say, I was insulted, perhaps like your pet was. Indeed, I filed a complaint to the Humane Society for Intelligent Pets. They spared me the hastle of listening to their Legal Audio Disclaimers, and recommended I call Tufts. I spoke about it with my owner, who considered my request ridiculous. He said, "Your a DOG, for Christ Sakes! Can't you just be like other pets and get off my back on this health insurance bullcrap." I said, "Listen, Sam. I understand you pay the bills, watch TV and do human stuff. What about me? What about me for a change? Even though I'm a dog, don't I deserve the same things in life that you have?" The issued was finally settled. My owner walked me to Tufts Center for Veteinarian Studies and I was met by my new doctor who shook my paw and played catch-the-stick with me. In the end , I was very satsified. Feel free to call me, if you want to discuss my experience further. Terry Schofield, Miniture Schnauzer From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 28-JUL-1997 20:26:53 Subj: Re: BEST BAND NAMES #322 of 323 GENERAL Date: 28-JUL-1997 19:25 Expires: 25-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: BEST BAND NAMES ->Fax Machine For Sale What a show! I saw them playing at Xerox with Left Drawer and the Letter Openers. To get into the stadium, we had to bring our resumes. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 30-JUL-1997 13:56:12 Subj: Re: BEST BAND NAMES #324 of 325 GENERAL Date: 30-JUL-1997 06:48 Expires: 27-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: BEST BAND NAMES -> -> -> What about "Napalm Death" old school From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 30-JUL-1997 13:57:21 Subj: Re: Mountain Bike For Sale: #325 of 325 GENERAL Date: 30-JUL-1997 07:16 Expires: 27-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Mountain Bike For Sale: ->->Schwinn Hurricane (purple) : ->->ladies 24 speed, click shift gears ->->black front bag included. ->->Excellent condition ->->$240. ->->(new Kryptonite lock also available). ->-> ->->Contact Rachel. -> ->WHAT? Please clarify what this could possibly mean. "Schwinn Hurricane (purple)": Noun. Not a metaphor for the inner workings of Rachel's soul. "Ladies 42 Speed": Name of Musical band, most often posted on Clark University Vax System. "Click shift gears": Style of writing, most notably associated with posts on Clark University Vax System. "Black Front Bag included:" Benefit. Most bags of many varieties are included with objects of enjoyment, usually containing dried and pre-made edibles, except for mandatory ingenuous dialectical conjectures. "Excellent Condition": Adjective. From unknown origins "240$" : Transaction Price. Usually identified with market processes, though has also been used to qualify human living conditions. "Contact Rachel" : Format of response which has known to cause confusion, loss of cognitive control, and conversation dismemberment. Human beings are advised to wear warning labels and symbolic communication notices before proceeding. Vernacular appratus is also recommended. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 12:46:55 Subj: "Promise for Dad" #409 of 484 POETRY Date: 3-MAR-1996 00:13 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Promise for Dad Face front the door of his tomb, My father laid crumpled like a ball in a womb, Never should I've entered to see, My own father would cease to be. Hooked up in tubes, fed by goodwill, His hands moved to me while lieing still, Had I heard this day a coming, Gone, I would be running, To keep him alive, I would have to kill. He made me promise in whispers back then, Now presses his hand upon me, Knowing near end, He gave me his gun, Still was his son, Last chore of mine would be done. Closed eyes hide not will, but why, He said, "You must do it now Before I die." My mother down the hall, His promise I'd kept from a boy, This was a real gun, not a toy. The chamber was loaded, his cheeks had eroded, Once strong body, now weak and coroded, Eyes of ice-stone Far from his home, Saying good bye in ways unknown. His few last words, "I love you, son." Was last to list his heart to me, Tears I would share, While stroked his gray hair, His hand helped me place the nozzle there. Eyes sunk deep in a skull that kissed me, I bent down and prayed on him, "For what do you want?" I cried in hymn, Yet no God would listen, And none would to come in. Left alone, I held his old hands, Ones that held me, when born from this man. Now, I pressed my dear kin, To his gun in his chin, Honored the deed in word to him-- For at that moment, this Love that I had Pulled the trigger on my own dad. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 12:47:56 Subj: "Re: CHAGELSTEIN eats Shabbat dinner with the Devil" #416 of 484 POETRY Date: 29-MAR-1996 09:37 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: CHAGELSTEIN eats Shabbat dinner with the Devil ->[From: JGOLDSTEIN] ->The puffy bread gets stuffed in mouth. ->The fruity wine flows down throat. ->The river Styx lies directly south. ->CHAGELSTEIN will miss his boat. The redone reading gets on our screen. The epic words gargle in our throats. The band Styx is singing: "CHAGSTEIN & GOLDSTEIN in a boat, k-i-s-s-i-n-g..." -> ->Fresh black Kippas top the head. ->They emit a fabric smell. ->When CHAGELSTEIN finds himself dead, ->candle fires become the flames of hell. Fresh bowel Kippas exude from head. Readers endure the foul smell. A poorly WRITTEN potty they must tread Past tense or future, who can tell? -> ->Many wise men consider Asmodeus real ->Anyone who looks for him will find: ->That unlike the Shabbat meal ->he exists only in the mind. Many wise men consider Anything real, For what they look for, they will find: That unlike the Bobbit meal CHAGLESTEIN bites only in mind. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 12:48:29 Subj: "Satan eats the cook" #421 of 484 POETRY Date: 10-APR-1996 00:49 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Satan eats the cook Almighty Destrucktore, Death be your Raise As Blood and Wine go down my Throat All in your Praise. Beasty eyeballs of seven that see, Slug-moist blood flows in his arteries, Bulging viens branch across his face, Consumption of Mankind soon to take place. Flesh from Time-War, Destrucktore of State, Dismembered human prey falling off his plate. Sloppily eating the carnage of his angst, All human eators wearing smarty pants Stuck in his fangs, caused him much gas-- Smeared with blood, his bib kept him clear Less shredded homosapien floating in his beer. Coughing up of fatty tissue--porky heathens, Seemed to be dead, yet some were still breathing-- Chomped on them, popped their lungs, Shoved in too many, Burp. With many more to come. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 12:48:58 Subj: "Back to Daze" #425 of 484 POETRY Date: 31-MAY-1996 20:07 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Back to Daze Coroner desolate Walking instruments of spleen and gut Squishy squids flay and groan in intestinal acid and rotten bone. Surgical obfuscation Prickly neurons infect lovely lies Itty bitty caustic cries Hidden and tearing quickly inside. Siren carry soul without, Begging self a letter, dancer or recorder, Angle bets for later-- Winner gets the alligator Call none up and walk alone, Not made of flesh, nor from stone, Mirror purrs a different storm--- See myself without a form. Walk a job to seas not seen, After life--they must mean--- For hands I hold a childrens Road, Laughing rainbows rain foretold. Cross my heart and sway to die, Cheverlot, God, and Apple Pie, channel changed to be without I learned all I forgot about. Pick 'n ax towards coofusionaryism Lobbed off heads and snorky loin Great gut treats for my home, Feed to Pam, my pantyhose Elephant nose. Bizzy bumroses blunty and preen, Rozen coddy with flanks of green, Fully juicy, I plucked them raw, Me and crows and witches had a ball. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 12:49:40 Subj: "Mirror Mirror on the Wall" #426 of 484 POETRY Date: 2-JUN-1996 21:59 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Mirror Mirror on the Wall Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who is the ugliest one of All Who can lie and then believe, Who can love and then deceive- Who is hard to be a friend, Who can talk and stab in jest Who can joke among the best, And fuck ups the rest. Who can light up hopeless wills, Get high off people pills, Wander rooms with ends less ended And say themselves: "I've pretended." And Who knows less than folks around Talk they may, talk abounds Count your friends or lovers hell, Plus folks from home with time to kill And folks you've known and ones you will And folks that mock you in baroom swill. And those who get stoned at Last Call, They may live, most will Fall-- Who will then cry and beg To be freed and then forget And toss and ruin others instead, And pay their hearts in their head, And off to join the living dead, And write and fancy what's been found, "Lost," you'll say, while on solid ground, Who will blame those times unseen, Who would say something he did not mean, And who is the last one you would think of, Who is the one you've known the least, The one who talks you into the beast, The one that drags your skin around, And kicks your head in-ground And licks your wounds in gross high reason Truths you've made to put keys in. Who is the mirror you've made this time, Who will see you anymore, Mirror Mirror on the Wall. Mirror Mirror, I confess I know not why, but heres the rest: I've done all, all to myself- Still I fall prey--begfest-- And why I must say this, I concede: I do not know what it means to be me. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 12:50:41 Subj: "lover in love with naught" #428 of 484 POETRY Date: 28-JUN-1996 21:43 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: lover in love with naught Once you forget me You shall still remain As Time, less her ticking strengh; Love, less her ticking pain. And forever would be It, I'd say, Not just you on any single day, Yet sitting in the sun --Cost misery to none, Why do this--unfortested? Rearranged, your womanhood manifested. For maybe 'tis my penalty To have Loved at will, and incompleted. Dared to be defeated--- All Gods say this: Love's a kiss grown unweeded. Clawing through your dress hiked-up, Hat askew, your eyes a-bright, Dangling lies in frolicing blithe Your Mind which cuts in bloody psyche. Crawling through those a-been stranged, Unlost loves you hold in-cage, Analytical virtue now is wrought-- On those you've lost, but now you've caught. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 12:51:11 Subj: "Border of Time" #431 of 484 POETRY Date: 3-SEP-1996 15:05 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Border of Time I'd drempt and sipped her wind like wine, Not woman or Love, yet sweetened Time! Its rounds of morn and noon and eve, At last, levied upon static similarity! Noting that I'd never broke free From the borders of Worcester County-- Bridled be by Spacial Reins Worn-ago, I'm afraid -- Tho' weakened by Hands unseen! From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 12:51:56 Subj: "Time's Precious Faust" #434 of 484 POETRY Date: 11-SEP-1996 12:43 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Time's Precious Faust Did it matter, you thought-- Stored with Gifts, unbought, Still for sale, yet gone to naught: Time's precious Faust, see what He wrought! And now, downcast eyes. A-Floored with doom, Within a memory's pride, Yet without Love's plume. Fear cans't reckon a demon like me, you'd say. Tho', behold the iris of Dreaming In the guise of Reality! From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 12:52:22 Subj: "Woman by-sea" #435 of 484 POETRY Date: 11-SEP-1996 17:28 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Woman by-sea A woman by-sea, land she walked not, Adrift in a memory of love she forgot, Picking up shells of ones she'd adored --- Tossing them back among the forlorn. She wanted to be in love with the sea. Walking on land was not her destiny; Tho' the water was cold and depths unclear, What once drove her far, now brought her here. The tides of the sea were twisted, yet strong. Perhaps that's where lovers belonged? His waves were lifted and laid at her feet, Then curled back to sea in un-woken retreat. She wondered inside for a second or two --- Some leftover surprise of I to you? She slipped off her face to swim in the sea: A first moment, she knew, defied continuity. She left this small note, so I would now read --- One of those shells tossed back, indeed, -- Designed by your love? It might have been. For what will never end, never did begin. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 13:10:48 Subj: "Her world" #437 of 484 POETRY Date: 22-SEP-1996 16:04 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Her world So, silent naked home, Breasts round and firm, From chick to woman you've grown In a world hung up on girls. They've paid for your drinks and held your hand Just in time for you to understand That be you a woman or be you a man, They touched not ground when they walked land. They met you and stared and snored for more, Bumping indigestion of neon warlords, Slouchs and winers and freedom-of-thought, These were some of the men you caught. Years you had cried "God, help me!" Aloud and alone that your neighbors could see. "Fuck off." you whispered as you popped off the cork. "I drink to celebrate all men are dorks." One or two come to mind, Men you wanted -- men who were blind. They saw your eyes, they loved and cared; But, of themselves, they never shared. You loved them in wrath, you loved them while loney, Your reasons were smashed and suddenly devoured After fits of lust and love by-the-hour. Woman, you heckled, as you spoke to your kitty, At peace in your apartment, in your remodeled new city, These were the times a man would talk steady Of what he love about you, which you knew already. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 13:11:03 Subj: "Lunar Eclipse Memorial Haiku" #444 of 484 POETRY Date: 2-OCT-1996 04:03 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Lunar Eclipse Memorial Haiku In watercolor reflection, the moon Painted the Earth's soul: Awash in blood and gold. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 13:11:11 Subj: "Slipped upon a barstool/singing that old song" #454 of 484 POETRY Date: 2-NOV-1996 13:21 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Slipped upon a barstool/singing that old song The camera panned inside your head Sang the tune of some jukeboxed song long dead, Vistors lingered with drinks in-hand, Drunks and skinheads they spanned. Bum a Marlboro from your favorite guy, he who flirts after relationships die, he doesn't speak, but sips his drink. But when he does, he doesn't think. Friends come witness your residual success: Ten plus years of getting undressed In front of a camera with eyes-a-peering, Their sight of you deepening In a pool of days and nights of this place you've come To share a quaff of specific hum: The chattering stories of times and lust, The people who you've killed with trust. Now they see you, joined-at-last, Looks familiar, like a trip to the past, Faces and arms hug you with "What's up?" And divine our hellholes with those sublime, And when the bartender says "what'll you have," Your heart says at least, in woken defeat: "Give me a shot of vodka and Peachtree." And when she walks in, with friends all over, They clink toasts and wink and finally tell her, in voices that smoothed the right from the wrong: "he waited for you, but not for long," Slipped upon a barstool/singing that old song. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 13:11:18 Subj: "Web of My Eyes" #477 of 484 POETRY Date: 18-JUN-1997 18:33 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Web of My Eyes Web of My Eyes You glow upon my screen. And with Hyperlinks I feel your informational steel, The glint of your frames bearing enchanting games, I click on to see the Java thing flashing me. My Netscape hypes the flash of time, on a Pentium chip-sized dime, And I wait, in my mind, for the processor to unwind and cache a neon site glowing and twisting in geometric plight. First I'm welcomed by strangers' words colored in nubile flesh engendered pearls placed like a lei around my neck: tho' my drive asking for a virus check. I minimize the window in search of "notepad.exe" with a copy of this poem you read, Paste it for all eyes to see: Web of my poetic dreams. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 13:11:29 Subj: "vaxtime" #480 of 484 POETRY Date: 3-JUL-1997 12:29 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: vaxtime Vaxing my time In Spawn processing song, Watching the batch runs complete their long haul. The men had come from OIS And cancelled our accounts As we were flaming our own doubts, . We had used some free speech, That smelled up their screens, With dirty words that would make Sims seem clean. And once in a while The sun would come out, Obscuring the view of their Windows document, But Clark held firm Against the boss of our rage, Scripting up letters formed with old age. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 13:11:34 Subj: "Here, Then" #481 of 484 POETRY Date: 9-JUL-1997 19:01 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Here, Then It was easier to remember years later. There was nobody to tell you it was over. You would ask yourself the same questions, knowing in advance how they would sound like if you spoke them out loud. You would measure time in the way one counts the seconds from the flash of a lightening bolt to the time it would take for the sound to reach you. The distance of objects was no longer identified by whose bodies they belonged to or where they happened to be in space, or if they were calling you by name or memory, like you did ofthem. And it would strike you any time, anywhere, the same ending to a movie you imagined was being made of you, the windows reflecting faces and buildings, the circulating words from faces which tumbled over each other, rushing outwards to grab your heart, to somehow get inside your eyes to see how they looked from inside you. Morse code seemed to click through the limbs of your body, like an iceburg cracking or tree splitting, splicing through your spine, corsing like the sea ---- in some hollow ebb and flow one hears underneath the ocean. Nobody you knew was sending you these signals: they were latent in you like some artifact from an antique store. You would make up the body mask and wear the face to the surface of the world, take air, then submerge once again into the these depths which surrounded you. Whomever they were, their favors were brief in letting you sustain the flesh which housed you in, and locked you out. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 13:11:38 Subj: "Re: Here, Then" #482 of 484 POETRY Date: 10-JUL-1997 23:32 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Here, Then ->It was easier to remember years later. There was nobody ->to tell you it was over. You would ask yourself the same ->questions, knowing in advance how they would sound like if you spoke ->them out loud. You would measure time in the way one ->counts the seconds from the flash of a lightening bolt ->to the time it would take for the sound to reach you. It was easier to devour others expression, as there was nothing to fill you up with. You would ask yourself the same questions of their expression, knowing far in advance how they would feed you. You would measure time in the way one counts the seconds in a lifespan for them to finish their sentence. -> The ->distance of objects was no longer identified by whose ->bodies they belonged to or where they happened to be in space, ->or if they were calling you by name or memory, like you did ->ofthem. And it would strike you any time, anywhere, ->the same ending to a movie you imagined was being made of ->you, the windows reflecting faces and buildings, the ->circulating words from faces which tumbled over each other, ->rushing outwards to grab your heart, to somehow get inside ->your eyes to see how they looked from inside you. The distance of meaning was no longer measurable between the bodies they belonged to or where they happen to reside in memory, or if they were calling you another name, like you did of them. And it would strike you any time, the same repetition of a movie you imagined making, and the audience revealing their faces from a building that shielded them. There was a circulating identity of faces which replenished their awareness by grabbing your eyes to see themselves with. ->Morse code seemed to click through the limbs of your body, ->like an iceburg cracking or tree splitting, splicing through your ->spine, corsing like the sea ---- in some hollow ebb and flow ->one hears underneath the ocean. Morse code seemed to render the only life through the limbs of your body, like a writer cracking words through the life of a text line, planted like a seed in some hollow potential buried beneath the story. -> ->Nobody you knew was sending you these signals: they were ->latent in you like some artifact from an antique store. You ->would make up the body mask and wear the face to the surface ->of the world, take air, then submerge once again into the ->these depths which surrounded you. Whomever they ->were, their favors were brief in letting you sustain the ->flesh which housed you in, and locked you out. Nobody you knew listened to your signals: they were busy like some historical fact from a book store. You would mirror the body mask and float to the surface of existence which you were composed of. Whomever they mocked, their flavors were bland; they merely created the flesh you roamed in, and made fun of. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-JUL-1997 13:11:43 Subj: "nixed love" #483 of 484 POETRY Date: 28-JUL-1997 20:19 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: nixed love Dropped on my knees, A quickening please For words of one twirling like leaves. Left for not long in boxed and made song That now I belive all that went wrong. Tho' to be glad of her love, and all the dreams it had made: Nothing now fills the form she contained. Empty hugs and lipless kisses, I count the times I've made these wishes, and, if indeed, love was vacant, Owning to desire to give its love-makin', her stay was cut short as she drove back to cityfort, years would return, then suddely abort. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-AUG-1997 01:15:05 Subj: Re: Mountain Bike For Sale: #341 of 343 GENERAL Date: 31-JUL-1997 21:46 Expires: 28-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Mountain Bike For Sale: ->@WHAT? Please clarify what this could possibly mean. -> ->It's in alexandrines, caesuras and all--what do you want, egg in ->your beer? -> -> Schwinn Hurricane (purple) : ladies twenty-four speed, -> click shift gears black front bag included. Excellent -> condition two hundred and forty dollars. (new -> Kryptonite lock also available). Contact -> -> Rachel -> ->A poem (after all) should not mean but be. ->Personally, I can't wait until Fax Machine For Sale sets it to music. -> ->Lee Rudolph False! Its classic Indo-Iranian iambic pentameter! O' Schwinn-Lady of Twenty-Four hurricane years Speed-clicking gears that shift Excellently! Condition your price to 145 To kryptonite my love's availablity! From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-AUG-1997 01:15:21 Subj: Re: Techie opinion poll #342 of 343 GENERAL Date: 31-JUL-1997 21:54 Expires: 28-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Techie opinion poll ->I think I'd rather go UNIX. -> -> ->Not/Steve Unix is to Windows NT like Dick Clark is to MTV. Not a/Hagelman/genie From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-AUG-1997 01:15:35 Subj: Re: Techie opinion poll #343 of 343 GENERAL Date: 31-JUL-1997 21:59 Expires: 28-AUG-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Techie opinion poll ->Not really--that's the compiler's job. However, many versions of UNIX make ->good use of multiple processors, utilizing a symetric, rather than asymetic ->multiprocessing scheme (like the present Mac OS). -> ->Not/Steve Not/Understanding From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 4-AUG-1997 22:36:12 Subj: Dear Form Letter #363 of 365 GENERAL Date: 4-AUG-1997 21:25 Expires: 1-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Dear Form Letter ANNOUNCEMENT ATTN: GENERAL ATTENTION C/O CLARK VAX COMMUNITY WORCHESTER ENLIGHTENMENT, MA. Dear Clark Students, Surprised Graduates and hevenly-in-debt parents: Once again, we are proud to announce the participation of our resources to farm the cultural idiopathical and spur harmony in society of ye children. Included in the price of these products are communication systems generally indentified as GENERAL, on posting ceremonies which reside convienently for public perception and inspection by authorities air-conditioned previously to the inception of their birth. Some of these services included review of all topics posted for several years, on a daily basis. We utilized SHOW NO NEW SETTINGS on your terminal, thus, enhancing the repetition and montonous task of impoverishing young minds with SHOW ANOTHER/SIMILAR post command. Our director of Conceptual Computer Services (CCS), Jonathan Olgaforth, has developed a sparingly higher salary to implement another well known vax command: SET NO ARI HERZOG SPAM. Unfortunately, OIS is competing with CCS for rights to the new technology. Sincerely, Office of Integer Tesing Services (OITS) Otis (OTIS) From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 8-AUG-1997 04:10:12 Subj: Re: ====fax machine for sale==== #327 of 330 GENERAL Date: 7-AUG-1997 21:28 Expires: 4-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: =====fax machine for sale==== -> What's up with these inane posts? humanoid From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-AUG-1997 01:42:52 Subj: Dear Clark Form Letter Penned by Alum #263 of 265 GENERAL Date: 12-AUG-1997 22:13 Expires: 9-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Dear Clark Form Letter Penned by Alum VIA UPS SONGPUT 38 mps Strike Deadline Clark Universal Architectonicentrical Unlimited Attn: Corporation of Community Colonialism Mr. President of Commodity MultiExpansion 950 Main Gates Towards The Future Worcester Quadrantussetts, 01980 Dear To Whom We May Pontificate Our Souls Towards: Recently Members of our social order have been extremely delighted by the complete organizational layout of Woodland Street, including convenient revised version of communpolitical statutes verifying this neighborhood's renewed vigor under Clark's possession. Houses among the environs near Thy Expense Accounter Perceptions have heeded the calls of "shape up or ship out," through decimation or adopting flowerly coiffeur frontage. We have noted with satisfaction at the increased population of smiling people waving in our direction, clean streets and passageways, healthy, satyr-fertilized lawns and redressed pets and farm animals bossed in tweed and academic uniform. Vistors from our Lounge have peppered our Genetic Kitchen with further requests for your document: Gentrification Soiree. Will you please forward us a copy so we may apply your teachings upon our skulls? Officals from Worcester Town Government have notified us of your Institution's surprisingly Orwellian commune to be constructed down Main Street towards City Hall. Won't this possibly conflict with an uninhibited working-class reality that pasteurized tenets of your organization seeks recognization for? Some members have confided that they are worried over eradication of District 4 after plans for Utopia have been discarded in favor of a rectangular marble column bearing names and figures of all Clark Universoiled Donars coagulation for cerebral unsorted disorder. Besides, the size of this pillar seems to reach beyond the clouds we are currently stationed upon. One of our consultants, Jack Fobblestein, plans to use a telephone to communicate our sense of pretacular to upgrade your semanticware to a higher vision of your operating system. When Jack calls, make sure you speak about the metaphor of the phone rather than talking without it. In closing, it is our pleasure to note with disguist the Labratory for Elementary School Children breeching the hypertext of historical continuity. Unfortunately, some trees and brush were still visible from apartments located along Claremont Street, which caused nausea and displeasure from these unwanted vestiges from an ingenuous neighborhood. Removal is required for proper cleansing of the new republic. Sincerely, Severe Metaphextical Dianalysis From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-AUG-1997 01:43:15 Subj: Re: Refrigerator for sale.. #265 of 265 GENERAL Date: 12-AUG-1997 22:23 Expires: 9-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Refrigerator for sale.. ->Refrigerator for sale; small size; perfect for a dorm room. ->Please contact Lizanne at 795-6107 or email lcorrea@clarku.edu ->Thanks. liz Dear Fridge: HI, my name is icebob, and I got your name from an on-line service which advertises food stortage. Let me tell you a couple of things about myself. I have good ice cubes and store currently a couple of fresh meats and vegtables. I'm a non-smoker, and don't take up much room. Some of my hobbies include looking at the ice trays and playing with my indie friends, Comma Kitty, Kay Coolie and Sarah. We have a pretty good time. I'm looking for a fridge that is small in size and holds some Returnable Bottles and other situtations in the side door. I'm not into drugs or rechargeable cells. I run on household compliant equipment, and have a lot of experience with defrosting. If you like to get together , give me a call at my telephone used to communicate through owner, cited below: BIBLIOGROPHONIA: From DIALOGUE OF UNFORMATION: RELATIONAL STRUCTURES WITHOUT INFORMATIVE CONTENT, by Fogsour Monsweth, Bantam Publishing, 1989, Second Publishmented: 1997. All Plights Reserved From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-AUG-1997 18:11:00 Subj: Re: Goodbye #210 of 218 GENERAL Date: 16-AUG-1997 11:16 Expires: 13-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Goodbye... ->->PS: And you've gotten darn good at Frisbee! -> ->Go forth, and use your newfound powers for the side of good, and ->avoid the temptations of evil. And never wear your shirt inside out when you are at an expensive restaurant. And never ever put a large pot of spagetti upon Thy Head while being interviewed for a Prospective Job Offering. Other NOTABLE ACTS WHICH YOU SHALL NOT BE PERMITTED, ATTN: S. Guo: NEVER put a full MOUTH OF SODA into the MAILBOX. NEVER pretend to TALK WITH SODA From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-AUG-1997 18:12:36 Subj: Re: Random Question: #211 of 218 GENERAL Date: 16-AUG-1997 11:18 Expires: 13-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Random Question: ->Should most drains be able to take a little bit of rice ->or noodles going down? cookie crumbs? pot residue (not marijuana) ? ->I'm doing a poll for a home education seminar for freshmen. my drain does not fit my soul. it spills over. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-AUG-1997 18:12:40 Subj: Re: Car For Sale #212 of 218 GENERAL Date: 16-AUG-1997 11:26 Expires: 13-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Car For Sale ->1985 Buick Regal ->White, 2 Door, Automatic ->AM/FM Radio, AC, Rear Defroster ->Reliable for winter ->$800 or B.O. -> ->If interested please email me - HBalcunas ->Thanks 1997 Vax Reply Generic, 5 lines, Automatic NO/Parody, OK?, Rear Frothing Reliable Disinterest $$Zero or GRATIS If reading, please ignore me - Chagelstein Thanks From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-AUG-1997 18:12:44 Subj: Re: last message #213 of 218 GENERAL Date: 16-AUG-1997 11:27 Expires: 13-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: last message ->scratch that last message- just realised that media services has ->a machine. -> ->Sorry. Media Service *IS* a machine. Don't apologize. Just do your push ups and move on. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-AUG-1997 21:47:56 Subj: Re: Lechmere going outta business sale #211 of 211 GENERAL Date: 21-AUG-1997 21:01 Expires: 18-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Lechmere going outta business sale -> ->More likely is someone to buy out the leases to some of the stores and move ->their own stuff in, along with their own name. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ that would be vernacular capitalism.----^ From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 28-AUG-1997 01:27:15 Subj: Re: Parking Ban on Florence Street 8/25 #163 of 163 GENERAL Date: 28-AUG-1997 01:11 Expires: 25-SEP-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Parking Ban on Florence Street 8/25 ->More construction: road construction will continue on Florence Street on ->Monday, August 25 and possibly on Tuesday the 26th. All cars parked on ->Florence Street will be towed by the City of Worcester. More construction, reallocation of shrubs, demolition of insignificant areas, additional blacktop, cement, mortar, etc will continue at its usual pace throughout your four years at Clark University. All students parked anywhere on campus will have their cars ticketed, inspected by authorities, and towed by the City of Worcester. Welcome. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-SEP-1997 22:20:13 Subj: Re: randy is my hero. #197 of 216 GENERAL Date: 3-SEP-1997 04:22 Expires: 1-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: randy is my hero. ->can someone explain to me why social status and wealth makes one person's ->death somehow more valid and noteworthy than someone else's? diana was no ->better and no worse than your average human being, yet the fact that she was ->"royalty" means that cnn will ignore every other major piece of news that day ->to show the same picture of diana over and over again. it was the death of a culture, not the removal of life from a body, which made this a valid and noteworthy *media* event. Your absolutely correct. Diana was merely flesh and blood (and also personally quite boring). Culture is currency. The value of culture is regulated mediatricians (media + -tricians). Mediatrici These regulators are in the world of marketing "newsworthy" events. They are digital shaman who heal our damaged value systems (e.g. Diana's fairy tTheir wedding which ends in tragedy) through electronical catharsis. These operations regulate the flow of currency to balance the unseen with the "seen" (the news). Cultural market-makers, like anyo decisions unless they are aware of their shared belief-manufactuers. New organizations place huge bets on the direction of these fashions, krafting a scientific authorization over celebrity's lives, profiting from the unusual passion a collective unit can generate, also providing an outlet in the form of a virtual funeral when affluent egoships sink. It was extremely ironic, and funny, to witness our viewing of Princess Di's death through the same medium that had supposedly caused her death, the media. I heard the driver was drunk. I know this doesn't answer any questions. -coffee HaRRIET From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-SEP-1997 13:58:15 Subj: Vax bUlletIn UdPate #228 of 231 GENERAL Date: 7-SEP-1997 01:54 Expires: 5-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Vax bUlletIn UdPdate Ijn order to read messages, you must go backwayrds From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-SEP-1997 13:59:22 Subj: Re: She was a human being #230 of 231 GENERAL Date: 7-SEP-1997 02:00 Expires: 5-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: She was a human being ->*one freaking sentence* was all they said about mother theresa, before ->continuing on about how wonderful diana was. jeee-sus. it's worse than i ->thought. though i have my reservations about singing mother theresa's praise ->(her stance on abortion and contraception is one i don't agree with), i ->thought a life of poverty and openly hugging aids patients and lepers was a ->little more newsworthy than a life of pampered luxury and openly hugging aids ->patients. the news is that diana and theresa are the twins in the eternity of media. In another life of ours, there would be nodifference between these women, sans age, except the generosity of their souls. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-SEP-1997 14:06:17 Subj: Re: Dog for sale #249 of 257 GENERAL Date: 11-SEP-1997 05:44 Expires: 9-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Dog for sale ->A five month "Doberman" , female , not fixed . ->*all the shots done. ->*tail cut. ->for 200$ , if you need more information about the dog , call 754-6953 . ->or e-mail me at jmouhana . -> "Jean-Paul" does dog talk? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-SEP-1997 14:06:53 Subj: Re: Diana #250 of 257 GENERAL Date: 11-SEP-1997 06:44 Expires: 9-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Diana ->It bothers me to see how many so-called "intellectual" people use their ->intelligence to cajole, beat up or ridicule anothers views without offering ->anything much of value themselves. It bothers me to see how one can define "prosthetics" as a metaphor for intelligence so beaten up by anothers that their opinions become merely artifical verbiage of a dysfunctional culture. -> ->I think the interesting thing about what happened is why we felt impacted by ->Diana's death, when we knew we didn't really know her personally. I know ->the standard response is "because she's a media figure" or "because we would ->mourn anyone we know the same way" but I don't buy it. I think there's ->something we've missed and nobody's hit upon it yet. -> I think the most interesting objective of this discussion is to exact a personal emotional impact from a mythical figure. I know the standard response is "whether or not she's a media figure, I still feel affected" but I don't buy it. I think there's something amiss and no one is admitting it yet. ->If I were old enough to remember JFK I suppose I could make a comparison, but ->I'm not. I know Mother Theresa's passing didn't effect me in the same way ->although intellectually there is far more reason to give her honor and respect. ->But why do I *feel* so much more moved by the news of Princess Diana's death. ->(I am not at all interested in the media coverage). It felt like an icy chill ->ran down my neck. I couldn't believe it. It felt like this was not supposed ->to happen. -> If I were old enough to dismember history, I suppose I could envision clarity, but I"m not. I know the Passing of Icons do not effect my intelligence although there is far more reason for that it should. But why does one separate the image from the woman, thy myth from reality? (I am not at all referring to media coverage). It feels like society is now one entire amorphous pallbearer. But this is what is supposed to happen, I guess. ->The easy answer is a) she's a media personality. I don't buy it. -> The answer is easy a) get a life. ->The more complicated answer is that she symbolized something, we don't "feel" ->right about a young person dying. -> The more complicated answer is re-symbolizing, we don't "feel" right about a writer person crying. ->But there's a deeper answer but no one's suggested it yet. I'm really ->disappointed at the so-called "minds" out there who take cheap shots at ->proving the irrationality of mourning for someone who we didn't really know, ->and who may not have been the kind, concerned person she was made out to be. ->That's really a waste of intelligence; almost any human emotional response ->can be shown to be rationally way off base. The interesting thing was--were ->we sensing something important about the state of "the world"? If there was ->another Diana maybe we wouldn't feel this way. -> ->J But there's a deeper so-called "answer". I suggest that the dissapointment of those "minds" that go shopping for cheap proof of mourning for someone who they didn't really know, and who make intelligence out to be some kind of emotional attribute are really wasting their perception. Every form of communication can be shown to be rationally way off base. The interesting thing is -- doesn't speaking/writing so excessively say something unusual about the state of "the world"? If there was another world, maybe we wouldn't feel this way. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-SEP-1997 12:14:08 Subj: Re: Dog for sale #265 of 267 GENERAL Date: 13-SEP-1997 07:27 Expires: 11-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Dog for sale ->->A "doberman" puppy , Female ,"5 month" for 200$ ->->*not fixed ->->*all the shots done ->->*had her tail cut -> ->Why would you want to cut the dog's tail? Was it injured? ->I think the practice of cutting dog's tails is cruel and uneccesary. circumcision. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-SEP-1997 12:17:18 Subj: Re: Diana posts #266 of 267 GENERAL Date: 13-SEP-1997 07:36 Expires: 11-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Diana posts -> I just checked out SMART CLARK and there's a little problem. There are TWO ->smart clark folders, SMART_CLARK (Aidan's original) and SMART-CLARK ->(jspelman's, which is empty). The empty one is where Landy Johnson put here ->"Ok, this is where we talk about Diana" post, but the real one is where all ->the copied posts, and Julian Jung's resonse, are. -> If you type "sel sma" or "sel smart" you get put in the new SMART-CLARK. You ->must type "sel SMART_" to get to the real one. The real SMART_CLARK is BROKEN ->due to some weird thing, and messages never expire. However, ->this seems like the best place anyway so I think we should just leave it. -> Landy, I would suggest you change your post in SMART-CLARK to say "GO TO ->SMART_CLARK instead". Unless we all think the discussion should go in ->Spelman's new folder (which he may delete at any moment) because SMART_CLARK ->has that expiration-date corruption. -> Otherwise, everyone type "sel smart_" to continue the Diana thread. Okay, folks, lets get one thing clear. Check out the above and lets see whats wrong. We are discussing a folder, SMART CLARK, which is supposedly where all the Diana posts are to be discussed in. Now, we are discussing the attributes of the folder, SMART CLARK (this post). I'm confused. Should we talk about SMART CLARK folder in GENERAL? Or should we create a folder SMART_CLARK_FOLDER where discussions about the real FOLDER? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-SEP-1997 12:18:03 Subj: Re: Spring Heeled Jack #267 of 267 GENERAL Date: 13-SEP-1997 07:39 Expires: 11-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Spring Heeled Jack ->I think they're also playing saturday in Worcester, at the espresso bar. ->They are playing the espresso bar soon, but it might not be saturday. Diana and the Dog Tail's without Fax Machines are playing at SMART-CLARK. The cover charge is 5 minutes of VAX. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:29:23 Subj: Re: Did anyone tape the Emmy's? #303 of 307 GENERAL Date: 25-SEP-1997 22:50 Expires: 23-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Did anyone tape the Emmy's? ->If you did, email me. -> ->Craig I took a picture of a camera on TV. Wouldn't it be kinda dumb to EMAIL this to you, craig? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:29:33 Subj: Re: Car for Sale #304 of 308 GENERAL Date: 25-SEP-1997 22:57 Expires: 23-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Car for Sale ->1993 Ford Taurus. $4,995. Type "sel class" enter, and then ->"read" enter, for details. 1997 Vax Posting. 4 seconds. Type enter, and then read. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:29:45 Subj: Re: STAY IN SCHOOL: #305 of 308 GENERAL Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:13 Expires: 23-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: STAY IN SCHOOL: ->Clark is a good place. Worcester is an exciting city. The ->Worcester Icecats (city's hockey league) plays at the ->Centrum and they usually offer a $5 ticket college night. ->The Worcester Common Fashion Outlets (mall downtown) is ->fun to look at and the Worcester Art Museum has a great ->reputation. So much stuff, and the best thing, especially ->about driving in Worcester is that if one gets lost, ->chances are you'll end up where you started. -> ->A Bachelor's Degree from Clark is better than a lifetime ->supply of Mcnuggets, 'cause one will gain an education, ->and not a massive coronary. -> ->Thanks, and have a nice day. Ploth Snow is a good pod. Area B took over Ploth Snow. The Ice Moo retreated to Worcester (Clark's Holy Cow) before the Inscription Period. They offered a $5 incentive called "College Nod". The Central Offering Area of Commerical Goods (downtown) is marvellous to mark funny looks upon and the Reversal of Historical Anticipation hath bestowed model gifts. So much stuffing, and the best thing about this all is about driving. Worcester is lost among the many chances of getting started. A Bachelor's Degree from Clark is worth a lifetime supply of McNuggets, 'cause one will McNugget their education over and over again. Tanks, and fill them up. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:29:51 Subj: Re: Blessed Be #306 of 308 GENERAL Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:14 Expires: 23-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Blessed Be ->->Dear Randy and Bill, ->-> Stop assuming what we our name is and what we do and come to a meeting! ->->It's Sunday, September 28th, at 8pm in Rosenblatt Conference Room in the UC. ->->Open your mind and learn something for a change, you might like the enlightment.PS. Everyone is Welcome!!!! -> -> Sorry, I have a Clark Copy Editors & Grammarians Alliance meeting... -> You're invited as well. Fully Clothed?! NOT! From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:30:04 Subj: Re: Washington Center Program: for internships and academic seminars #307 of 308 GENERAL Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:22 Expires: 23-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Washington Center Program: for internships and academic seminars ->Infomation Session: -> ->Wednesday, September 24, at 5:00 PM in the Alumni House Conference Room, 11 ->Hawthorne Street -> ->Full-time internships in Washington, DC are available through this program. Anystudent interested should attend this information session. Opportunities are ->available for any major. Find out about the opportunities and application ->process. Spring '98 Application Deadline: October 31, 1997. -> ->Reply to this message or call career services with any questions (793-7258). Informative Concentration Session: Today, at this time, while reading this message in the Appropriate Way In Front of You. Another Paragraph describes your full-time occupation in Concentrating through this message, available for any major topic. Find out about the opportunities to invest in creating and distributing information, and the application process. Spring Into Action Deadline: Say "hello" to your telephone while watching a camera take your picture. Respond to this message by replying to telephone calls with questions without receiving the headset (799-2918) _ms. pokey mcnugget, blatchores of sufficentcy, clack uni From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:31:06 Subj: Re: Atwood User Group Meeting #308 of 308 GENERAL Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:28 Expires: 23-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Atwood User Group Meeting ->Any organization interested in using Atwood Hall this semester please ->attend the first Atwood User Group meeting in the Bemis Conference Room ->(3rd Floor UC) on Wednesday, Sept 24 1997 at 5:30 pm. pagan lovefest? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:40:21 Subj: Re: Gator man caught in Arizona Swamp #309 of 310 GENERAL Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:37 Expires: 23-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Gator man caught in Arizona Swamp ->Yes I know what you are thinking. ->yes a gator man was found in a swamp in Arizona. ->According to the sources the man was swimming when some ->local people started throwing rocks at him. He immediately ->threw rocks back, hurting a small child. ->Well needless to say they went back to town, found him ->again swimming, and beat the hell out of him. -> ->he is now being held in a local jail for assualt ->when he tried to bite one of the me who was trying ->.o beat him with a frying pan, -> ->Stay tuned for the Jam vs. Jelly, who tastes better! Smoppty: Your insights into the fondess of jovial and humourous adventures have been bothering fellow members of our English Class 101 for the past 4 weeks since you put the rooster on your head during oral examination. I've notified Dean Pebbles and Dr. Swartz of these incidents and showed them examples of your writings. Although they indicated a possible "cerebral traffic jam" evident through your posts, they advised me to retain you as an enrolled student for the remainder of the semester. You need more work . Grade: B- Please see me after class. Ms. Woofsnore, Extracted Professional Theorist (EPT), MA. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-SEP-1997 00:03:48 Subj: Re: COLLEGE NOT FIFTH GRADE: #312 of 313 GENERAL Date: 25-SEP-1997 23:47 Expires: 23-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: COLLEGE NOT FIFTH GRADE: ->ALL right, all right, we're all in this small close knit ->community and inevitably, people are going to hate each ->other and themselves (self hatred is probably the reason ->people pick on others). There's also a lot of love, and ->people making it...the thriving Choices, "located in the ->basement of Hughes" -> ->So, c'mon. If you don't have somethign nice to say, don't ->say it at all. At least in public. I was ragged on ->pretty bad last year in bulletin, and it felt AWFUL. -> ->Forget the insults. Join the fencing team. Cough, cough, snork pot wallop pow egg path slop knit crummy in alasappy, purpose moss gwaby tobby ate each other inside some elves (elf apples are possiblity one weeson peepole pick pees). Where's a way a wot ov ove, and peepole maybe it...the striving voices, "locution in abasement of human shows" So, c'mon, people now, love one another , everyone get together and try to love one another right now. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 29-SEP-1997 19:07:40 Subj: Re: Life Sucks #316 of 325 GENERAL Date: 28-SEP-1997 22:58 Expires: 26-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Life Sucks ->Well I guess I have some time now to complain about, you know it, ->Life. Life sucks is a universal rule and I believe it extends as ->far as other life goes to. I am sure that aomeba says this table top ->sucks, better find some other place to go. -> ->I am sure those of you with work always find that doing the work ->is more boring than not doing anything at all. It never faisl ->I mean never fails that when you have work all the good stuff is ->happening and when you don't have work, the world is dead. -> ->I do believe a strong effect to ban all life as we know it would ->end boredum and work, but would also end the human race. -> ->I now return you to your normal boring sucky life. this isn't a reply/merely a continuation. life sucks. cars. walking. other bars, schoolbooks, beer parties, closed shades, less money, scrawled notes, murkey weather, boring parents, pay telephones, english speakers, channel surfing, world wide web, schedules, Jewel, coughdrops, professors, paperwork, assemblies, checks, laundry, conversations, waiting to finish conversations, reading, not listening, listening without hearing, pretending to hear while looking, not looking or listening, reading while not thinking, hearing nothing, waiting to say something, waiting to go, not wanting to say anything, saying something stupid, say it anyway, talking more, finishing the conversation, okay, you talk, talking again, who's turn next, okay, you can say something now, uh, its my turn, well, I don't have anything to say, I'll say it anyway, Professor has a question, raise your hand, answer, okay, next, what do you want to say, sounds boring, but say it anyway, see friends again, more beers, another party, you'll meet other people then say "hi. what's up," say something in the peer group, leave to bathroom, come back, they left, goto another party, no one is talking, but drinking, drink the talk, then see if you can say something, okay, have to go, room is a mess, candles, incense, cigarettes, wallet, keys, coins, ATM receipts, corny messages, telephone numbers, scrap rip, say something, say something before you check out, forgot to brush teeth, drunk, can't remember what to say, lights still on, phone rings, who is it, rings stop, get up, fall down, say something, not listening, what did you say, you say, then ask yourself what, "what do you mean, what?" you say, then ask, question or statement, mirror time, then you say, "what do you want to ask me about what?", mirror time, more mirrors, phone rings, get up, fall down, say something, not again, differntely, again, rings, fall down, get up, lights up, sleep From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 29-SEP-1997 19:08:50 Subj: General Football Party at MCCOY"S #322 of 325 GENERAL Date: 29-SEP-1997 18:37 Expires: 27-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: General Football Party at MCCOY"S If you haven't seen footbal, this wil be the game. Your cordially invited to view party football at MCCoys for the Carolina game at 9pm. Limiited seating. Free conversation and perceptions into the minds of offense and defense strategies. No metaphors will be involved. Graphic constructs of uniformed men engaged into cultural semblence of obtaining worth, through a point-system, over an oppenent. Feel free to call the local number below for next weeks picks. or drop by and visit one of these men who occupy these posts, wanderlugs of civilizied wagehood. From the days of Poker Folder, we salute those men who we lost in the war of community togetherness, as they have sacrified their lives to the callings of future endavours, organized relationships, post-graduate pursuits. tele 799-2918 for directions, cheer, -Mr. Past Influence Old School (PIOS) From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-OCT-1997 21:35:07 Subj: Re: MOUNTAIN BIKE for sale: #283 of 284 GENERAL Date: 1-OCT-1997 21:25 Expires: 29-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: MOUNTAIN BIKE for sale: ->->It's a ladies 21 speed bike with a small front bag ->->included. The bicycle is a Schwinn, and is purple. ->->Used, but in excellent condition, and a pain in the ->->ass to carry up stairs. I'm selling it so I can ->->buy a membership to the Clark gym, since I need ->->to get abdominal exercise, not leg. ->-> ->->I bought a kryptonite lock (two keys and one of those ->->bike insurance offers included) that I've used once. ->->It was forty bucks, but I'd sell the lock for $25. ->-> ->->Bike: $140. ->->Oh yeah, there's a new water bottle and cage also. ->-> ->->Email REISNER: Rachel. -> ->does it come with a fax machine or an ESP portable CD player? I am selling a faxed copy of the bicycle in question, along with the Clark Diction (CD) player. Both are portable through time. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-OCT-1997 19:01:13 Subj: For Sale: Passwords to Conversations #276 of 281 GENERAL Date: 3-OCT-1997 01:14 Expires: 31-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: For Sale: Passwords to Conversations In fairly good condition, I have about a dozen passwords which have expired for previous conversations with other people. Some come with accessories, while others are worn by the slight 'catch-my-drift' lines. Password: SMOKEY Used to engage in coversations with people in bars selling songs, past relationships, suffering, etc. Password: PUMPKIN Used to solicit the attention of beer drinkers, examine past woes, participate in binge drinking activities and accompany them while visiting local hole-in-the-wall establishments Password: COZY Signal indicating your interest in the other person's cornucopia of fissikal, commoving and cosmic offerings. Primarily used to counteract the opposite energies of another to make the mutual effect seem "cozy." Password: DUMPLING The word should be the first word used before accepting food in cafeterias, paying for general commerical goods, engaging in contracts or certain financial transactions, speaking to bosses, new hirees or paying for groceries Password: PUSSYCAT This word should be used before boarding elevators, riding in taxis, taking buses, walking up escalators, getting off subway stations or pleasant train stations located in Connecticutville. This word should NOT, under any circumstances be used while LIFTING HEAVY OBJECTS, that's next. Password: SPRAWN This word comes from the words, PAWN, SPAWN and PRAWN, and is a collective of these words' "meanings", which are form the password for lifting heavy objects. Please , (for example) SPRAWN the trash, or can you help me lift my SPRAWN out of bed? This password is encoded to insure its utility and release its powers to engage in complicated social and interpersonal relationships, such as "Shall I SPRAWN you for my own purposes?" If the other person does not reply, that means they do not know the password. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-OCT-1997 19:08:30 Subj: Absolute Underlove #25 of 26 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 2-OCT-1997 19:32 Expires: 30-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Absolute Underlove You were caught thinking of him again. You didn't know why, but the thought of seeing him over there made you pause. You wanted a cigarette. No. Forget that. You heard yourself think inside that head of yours "Why doesn't he talk to me?" It didn't matter anyway. He never came over to you. Although you never knew more about another person, you would never talked with him. He was just over there, it wasn't any big deal. Everyone else it seemed had a boyfriend; it just appeared natural to want one. But he was boring. He looked like everyone else. Same baseball cap on backwards, same friends, same slouch in the classroom. Oh, yeah, he looked cool and all, bu that's not the reason why you thought of him constantly, as his gesture and face would melt through the textbook you read evening after evening. You even wrote his name down in the margain of the page of your notebook, it lightest of pencil so if anyone were to read your notebook, nobody know who you thought of, all day long. It was doubtful he ever would write your name down. Like every other guy, he was seen around campus doing something. Hackeysack, walking his puppy dog, hanging out with the creme de la serene beings. You heard his voice, repeated his reactions and avoided him anytime he came near. You thought you would forget about him real easy: men were comprised of the montony of mornings, days, weekends, always present, yet insignificant in their coming. Nonetheless, you couldn't get rid of him mentally. Nor could you avoid the surges of proximity when you walked pass him towards class. You noted his distance, the flair of his expression, and tried to comport to his ignroance of your existence. It was comforting and stifling. He never thought of you completely, you know he never did, and you told yourself so, in an effort to forget of him. It was no longer a case of if he wanted you, you realized gradually. You shared an affliction of somekind, that you read about, that you thought yourself primarily above. You noted your sickness and retired for the evening, laying in bed for several days, lisening to the phone calls and your roommates come and go. Nobody knew how you felt. Nobody knew how you felt about him. You promised yourself nobody would ever know this feeling that you held of him, this thing you could not believe you could have. Whatever. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-OCT-1997 23:16:34 Subj: Re: argh!!! #24 of 27 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 2-OCT-1997 19:00 Expires: 30-OCT-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: argh!!! ->->okie dokie ->-> ->->what happened? ->->this man/woman must be some kind of insensitive poop... -> ->he's really f--king frustrating. i have no time to spend with anybody and ->he's still persisting. ->men suck hardcore!!!! c:\download From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 5-OCT-1997 01:40:33 Subj: Re: WRITING YOUR GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATION ESSAY #268 of 270 GENERAL Date: 4-OCT-1997 19:21 Expires: 1-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: WRITING YOUR GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATION ESSAY ->Wednesday, October 8 4:00 pm ->Career Services library, 3rd floor, Alumni House -> ->Staff from the Writing Center will present a workshop -> designed to help you write an effective essay for your graduate school ->application. Don't miss this helpful presentation. Dear University of Iowa Masters of Fine Arts Des Moynies, Worcester Bar RE: WRITING AN EFFECTIVE ESSAY FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL TO YOU Dear To Whomever May Read : I am following up on my letter application of August 1989 with respect to being accepted into the culture of enscribed citizenship. However, I have not heard from anyone for several years. The application submitted requested careful attention to the structure of language as it reads on paper. Sometimes when we read something we get bored. This is a result of reading the same words, in the same way, over and over again. While reading, we often are introduced to standards of communication that are redundant. For example, while writing to you, I have been unable to respond to your thinking. And you, also, have been unable to transmit your reactions. We must wait until we are finished to formulate a response. Sometimes we formulate a response while reading the words as they appear in sentences. Sometimes not. Sometimes we don't care, and we read a posting while thinking of something else. As we get more and more bored at the topic, we start to rewrite the topic to ourselves, and start to point to certain key phrases or move around in our seat or something. Somebody might be reading with you,and then commenting about what was written. Then somebody else will say something to you, and then you must pause, look at them , and then read again. If you are still reading,its natural that you must read some more, until you reach the end. We've been trained that there has to be some end, since we started out reading what we are reading right now. But while waiting for the end, you say "maybe I should just end it here." Okay, right. Or , maybe no. It doesn't really matter when the topic makes no sense, or makes such ridiculous sense that it may make the act of reading seem unlike reading itself. It may feel like floating or drifting around. Where are you when you read this? Floating around in your mind are words. They mean something. They always mean something when they are written to you. This is probably the result of so many words being written down without a purpose, without anyone thinking there could be such a purpose without words. We need words to believe in, but not words to read. Reading words are boring words, because when you read them, they don't do what you want. They come from somebody you don't know writing them in an effort to engage your attention, to solicit your interest or cause some kind of corny reaction. Ultimately, the question arises again and again to yourself, "Why am I reading this?" You ask your parents "Who are you? Why do you still call me?" You ask your fellow employers "Why do you talk to me?" When you listen and write to other listeners and writers you know they are listening, but in the end, you say "why are they listening when I am not saying anything?" Then you know you can write anything you want. You are free to make no sense since words are used to distribute other words. When you finish this posting, will you feel that you've read them before? Maybe you haven't read this whole post, but just bits and pieces of it before you go onto the next one. You know there must be other things you must read, no matter what those topics will be. But will they be remembered with words? With words in these lines of text that come right after the next? You'll read them over again while standing in line, or in bed, imaging what everyone does with language, how they use it and put it into 8.5 x 11 sheets going left to right. You hold the print-out up in front of you, looking at the screen that millions of us use everyday. We must know why we must read this so we can do something. What we end up doing is reading this and writing something, then reading somebody else to do what they had written. It doesn't make sense. Maybe when we finish reading something we should rewrite everything they said in their words so that we can talk to them using their version, since they have used their own words to write them. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 8-OCT-1997 22:57:51 Subj: Re: AN INFORMAL WELCOME TO BULLETIN FOR NEW STUDENTS (A GUIDE) #244 of 248 GENERAL Date: 8-OCT-1997 21:04 Expires: 5-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: AN INFORMAL WELCOME TO BULLETIN FOR NEW STUDENTS (A GUIDE) ->->I WANT TO LEAVE BULLETIN-- FLITTLEJOHN IS SCARING ME! ->-> ->-> Type ex[it] or q[uit]. There's actually a difference, but it probably doesn't ->->matter. ->-> But y'all come back now, hear? -> ->I'll be danged, a modern day Huck Finn :) -> ->*quit while I'm ahead c:\extract\flittlejohn\recipes From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 8-OCT-1997 23:00:26 Subj: Re: new account #245 of 248 GENERAL Date: 8-OCT-1997 21:05 Expires: 5-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: new account ->Anyone remember what a vax password is set to before the first time you log on? No Life From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 8-OCT-1997 23:01:56 Subj: Re: New satire mag... #246 of 248 GENERAL Date: 8-OCT-1997 21:15 Expires: 5-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: New satire mag... -> For all you folks who are looking for yet another outlet for your ->writing or art, a new purely satire/humor magazine, The Mothership is being -> born. You've ->missed the meeting, but that doesn't amount to shit. If you want to write and ->have fun with it, please e-mail Jonathan Messinger at ->jmessinger@vax.clarku.edu. Or you can call him at x6342. For all you integer czars who are pathetically inclined to engage your conversation or conciousness, a new puree status/humus sandwhich, The Mothership of Langwish is en route. You've mused this meaning, but that doesn't shitmount to writing. If you want to have fun, please e-muse Jonathan Message at the callhim x cutemouth -> The purpose of the magazine is simply to have fun and to have there be ->no ambiguity about its content. Everything will be done completely ->tongue-in-cheek. So if this sounds like something you'd be interested in, the ->first deadline is wed., oct. 22. Please contact Jonathan Messinger before ->then with any more questions, help, etc. Or just throw shit at him whenever ->you see him. He doesn't mind, honest. He kinda likes the pain. To each ->their own. -> The puss of this magazine is sorta funny and there's no having any ambiguity in its context. Everysort of willy nilly completely done dong-in-cheek. So if sounds interest you when words are spoke, the first destiny towards contact is on Jonathan Messager before the questions of help throw his shit. He doesn't mind the honest pain. To each, he owns. -> ->Thank you. Sincerely, Hezeir Sims From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 10-OCT-1997 21:17:25 Subj: Re: new account #235 of 235 GENERAL Date: 10-OCT-1997 20:09 Expires: 7-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: new account ->->->->Anyone remember what a vax password is set to before the first time you log on? ->->-> ->->->No Life ->-> ->->be more obvious. -> -> Gosh, a generational battle of the writers. Maybe Rachel Eisner could ->referee... (or would she refuse on the grounds that stripes make her look fat?) You'd have to buy her blender first. Not/A/Reference/To/Intelligence From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-OCT-1997 21:58:15 Subj: Re: What the ----? #33 of 33 FLAME Date: 20-OCT-1997 21:41 Expires: 3-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: What the ----? ->->Don't make me laugh. Aren't you all like 4 feet tall? -> -> They were all in the last Kix commercial...didn't you notice? -> ->->I'm not threatening to kick anyone's ass, see? -> -> Sheesh...how do you get your kicks then? I thought ass-kicking ->was a requirement for Wheatbread staff status? -> ->-> Plus, she's got Amy's lymphnoles or whatever on her side, so watch out. -> ^^^^^^^^^ -> Are those the little people in the Kix commercial? oR ->is it something congenital? both. lumphnoles are passed on from generation to generation from watching too many Tv commercials From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-OCT-1997 15:19:38 Subj: Re: Heather #213 of 218 GENERAL Date: 23-OCT-1997 03:52 Expires: 20-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Heather playboy bunny, ralphs crowd, middlecrowd, subjective, sugarlick, relatives, sexusality, rubbing body, leather toys, podium, soap-box, megaphone, bitchy, femme de la myth, aerobics-visionary, defragmented hard drive, Ralphs Web Page Site Administrator, social bumblefly, bouncy, classified as relatively attractive in barrooms, trans-wicca, professional interest in lifestyle codification, marginal conversationalist, chinese food take-out, clothing-shopper, partial political-correctness, freedom-of-expression activist, feminist nymph instructor, mirror, polished fingertoe nails, makeup, large apartment, credit cards, student loans, pocketbook, chewing gum, cultural sysdump=* of mainframe processing units, linguistical chocolate shake with milk duds, I Dream of Jeanie, social delight, cloudy ego, off-line unwritten flame, bearer of moshed relationships, cathartic reversal energies From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-OCT-1997 23:54:59 Subj: Re: Trustee Reception #206 of 220 GENERAL Date: 23-OCT-1997 22:40 Expires: 20-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Trustee Reception >Students, Faculty, & Staff >You are invited to a Trustee Reception on Friday, October 24 from 4-5pm. >Please come to Grind and enjoy free dessert and coffee while meeting >University Trustees. Some of the more delightful tricks the Trustees will Endeavor: 1. Mr. Sampson will push Ms. Prickeet in a wheelbarrow. 2. Ms. O'Toole will balance several teapcups upon her head. 3. Mr. Crappy will wear large rubber ball on nose, and speak in assembler language. 4. Small rooster will be let loose for Trustees to Chase. Winner will have their photo taken with Heather Sims. 5. Mrs. Breast will dress as Janis Joplin and chat with intern institutional leaders and other students, if necessary. 6. Dr. Coughwook, from Prattslosh University, will reveal his formulae for hypothetical imagination. Subjects are encouraged to disavow reality. 7. Mr. Headstud will float through a suspended wire, delivering flowers and chocolates, vicariously, via a career status tractor beam. Several thousand people have been held pleasantly at rest for several generations. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-NOV-1997 00:50:24 Subj: Re: Butter #187 of 209 GENERAL Date: 30-OCT-1997 22:17 Expires: 27-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Butter ->I am absolutely serious. Its called Olivio. Saw the commercial with my own ->2 eyes. i don't believe you. nobody has two eyes. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-NOV-1997 00:51:28 Subj: Re: everything #186 of 209 GENERAL Date: 30-OCT-1997 22:16 Expires: 27-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: everything ->Life is what You make it. scrambled with toast. small orange juice metaphor, black, no sugar From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-NOV-1997 19:10:48 Subj: Re: The Power of The All MIghty Spoon #215 of 215 GENERAL Date: 3-NOV-1997 18:10 Expires: 1-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: The Power of The All Mighty Spoon ->The spoon shall save all you who are in need of anything. The spoon is ->verstile and powerful. Ever spoon out a guy's eye, bet he will leave ->you alone. The spoon has so many uses. -> ->But there is something more powerful, the SPORK!! Yes it is a fork ->and a spoon. Get a spoon and wear it, let others know you carry ->the power of the spoon. Or whip out your spork and kill a few ->people. -> ->Well since I am now going back to my white walled room and rock ->back and forth to circus music and saw "The spoon is powerful ->and you shall succumb to my Powerful Spoon!" TESTIMONIALS: "I have frequent urine problems witl several pet members of my husbands family. Using SPORK, I was able to deal with my husband in a professional manner, without calling security control." Amy Symbolicule, Drone, PA. "My house is full of pesky formulies krafted from hidden historical modules. SPORK helped me to levitate over fictional embryos, isolate their egos, and pour logical conclusions over their annoying fantasies. All comprehension vanished within minutes." Paul Ezlower, River, Oregon. "SPORK saves me time. When I wake up in the morning , it spots my conciousness, feeds my desires and develops another human person that looks and acts like me. Then my double goes to work, does my errands and performs costly emotional resolutions, while I sit at home and watch TV, with my SPORK." John Addleson, President, HIGHLIGHTED INDOORS. "I'm an old person with a severe case of reading blindly. My SPORK will beep when an intruding opinion comes my way. With SPORK, I have the confidence of not being tricked with somebody else's perception." Bob Fratsy, Lexington, KY. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-NOV-1997 01:16:06 Subj: Re: Career Expo '98 for Students of Color #199 of 206 GENERAL Date: 8-NOV-1997 06:56 Expires: 6-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Career Expo '98 for Students of Color ->I don't entirely understand the phrase "student of color." I am not ->African-American, Asian, Hispanic, Native American or Pacific Islander, ->but I'm not clear either. politically correct way of saying 'no whites allowed'. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-NOV-1997 01:18:04 Subj: Re: Lechmere 90%off #200 of 206 GENERAL Date: 8-NOV-1997 06:59 Expires: 6-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Lechmere 90%off ->last day -> ->staytuned for posts in feeling drunkx -> ->we still havestuff -> ->cd;s are $1.35 -> ->umm chixwelkcome any splork left for us , platt? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 15-NOV-1997 00:37:51 Subj: "Kissmiss" #496 of 497 POETRY Date: 30-OCT-1997 22:24 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Kissmiss T'was the night before Kissmiss, and all through your life nothing was stirring, not even a knife. All of your gifts laid partly un-opened, boxes of things which made and got broken, dropped from the sled, Santa lost rein, metal shards of people hearts, calling down on you like rain. Spending long daze in party ghost stares, folks wound up to talk, talked till thin air, their cocktail dances and beer on the terrace, loved on-the-rocks and beds made in Paris. Splashing their wine, wishing merry Kissmiss, --handing you books from times that made this-- passing you by now, forgiving all doubt: praying to their future in order to get out. And far from their room, you curled into womb, silently breathing inside time's tomb, clocks counting places of where you would be, looking for gifts under Kissmiss tree From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 15-NOV-1997 00:41:29 Subj: Re: Where's Jack? #13 of 14 RALPHS Date: 13-NOV-1997 20:46 Expires: 27-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Where's Jack? girls love jack. he's cool. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-NOV-1997 20:01:34 Subj: social intercourse #66 of 75 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 16-NOV-1997 11:19 Expires: 14-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: social intercourse Is it okay to say to a woman that they look attractive? or is that a bad-pick-up-line thingy? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-NOV-1997 20:02:59 Subj: Re: Bermuda Marine Biodiversity #157 of 161 GENERAL Date: 21-NOV-1997 17:57 Expires: 19-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Bermuda Marine Biodiversity ->Only one week remains before the deadline for deposits for students ->interested in a course on marine biodiversity which travels to Bermuda ->during spring break. -> sediment deposits? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-NOV-1997 20:03:17 Subj: Re: ClarkWeek Alert! #158 of 161 GENERAL Date: 21-NOV-1997 17:59 Expires: 19-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: ClarkWeek Alert! ->Due to the Thanksgiving Holiday, all information for the week of Dec. 1 must ->be submitted to ClarkWeek by this Friday, Nov. 21. how about the turkey? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-NOV-1997 20:05:30 Subj: Re: Research Study -> I am doing a research project this semester concerning vegetarianism ->and I need both vegetarian and non-vegetarian participants in order to complete ->it. If you are interested or would like to have more information please email ->me (edougherty) or call me at X6165. The research concerns the experience of ->and factors leading to a transition to and maintenance of a vegetarian ->lifestyle, and also the views that non-vegetarians have about why people ->choose vegetarianism. will the research project take place over dinner? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-NOV-1997 20:05:38 Subj: Re: Fluffy dreams suck #160 of 161 GENERAL Date: 21-NOV-1997 18:03 Expires: 19-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Fluffy dreams suck ->Wow! I had a dream like just like that a couple nights ago. Only instead of ->the wheelbarrow being full of soap it was sort of a swirly mixture of ->Marshmallow Fluff and Nutella (you know, that cool chocolate stuff from ->France) I can't figure out what it all means-where's Freud when you need him? -> -not Josh Marshmellow Fluff = Freud Nutella = Jung From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-NOV-1997 20:05:46 Subj: Re: Is student council invalid? #161 of 161 GENERAL Date: 21-NOV-1997 18:08 Expires: 19-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Is student council invalid? ->Isn't Student Council really just a workshop for training undergraduates ->to run a beaurocracy, with the added bonus of enough power to implement petty ->tortures on fellow students? I think its nice that the large gerbil wheel be oiled now and again. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-NOV-1997 20:17:09 Subj: "Apollolectic" #495 of 495 POETRY Date: 16-NOV-1997 10:32 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Apollolectic Corral of defeat fences me in: Doorways to places that never begin, Songs from voices, exchoughed out of choices, Their chugged bits of laughter with highs which don't matter, each note fed from the plate of a platter: Blue meat for Work, Red meat for Time, Gray fruit for brain, with green rhine. Forked inbread of crubble skies, Gods with wings, yet never cry, Soared-through circles, heavy around my eyes, look no future, look, no hands Fly a plot with no plan, Fogged mirrors with backwords, Writing "dog am I, dog am I', Swatchy skin unpeeling inside- hurting, I remove pixels of soulshoal, clogged coronaries from sucking the road. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-NOV-1997 20:18:54 Subj: Fluffy dreams suck #132 of 161 GENERAL Date: 18-NOV-1997 11:29 Expires: 2-DEC-1997 00:00 From: PDUNN Subj: Fluffy dreams suck From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Put in a wheelbarrow and wheeled around with several bars of soap. They wheel you into a rental truck to a company called: "Lost services." Several men in aprons, wearing colanders on their heads, greet you by holding up a sign which says "On Sale." They take you from the wheelbarrow and put you in an oversized wheel chair with fluffy animals wearing leather jackets and pierced nipples. The animals speak to you, saying, "we like your resume." Big band music mixed with cajun-gothic santa femme la sexlords watercolor your view, and through this painting comes a pinball machine drawling on a blackboard the words: "its only a dream." Except, when you log off, you've been encrypted. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 22-NOV-1997 01:29:20 Subj: Re: Switgy fungy with my poartable picnic players #13 of 16 FLAME Date: 16-NOV-1997 20:12 Expires: 30-NOV-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Switgy fungy with my poartable picnic players ->->Good to see you guys aren't getting any brighter since I left. :) -> ->Nice to see your comments haven't gotten any brighter either. these comments are in the wrong folder! please sel LAME-FLAME From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-NOV-1997 02:52:48 Subj: Re: My $.02 #36 of 36 WHEATBREAD Date: 24-NOV-1997 21:06 Expires: 24-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: My $.02 ->->Personally I don't think it's a big stretch to say that Randy stole ->->a chunk of wheatbreads funding. The question is how much. (If it wasn't ->->money related, would stud-co give a crap?) -> -> Personally, you don't even know him personally, so your two cents is ->over-charging. Any other pieces of hard evidence lodged in your ass that ->you'd like to extract? is that like electronic commerce? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-NOV-1997 02:54:22 Subj: Re: Switgy fungy with my poartable picnic players #15 of 16 FLAME Date: 24-NOV-1997 20:44 Expires: 8-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Switgy fungy with my poartable picnic players ->->->->->Good to see you guys aren't getting any brighter since I left. :) ->->->-> ->->->->Nice to see your comments haven't gotten any brighter either. ->->-> ->->->these comments are in the wrong folder! ->->->please sel LAME-FLAME ->-> ->->actually is WHO_CARES still alive? -> ->no. ois, in their brilliance, removed all my folders without letting me know ->ahead of time. they also mistakenly froze my account. in any case, i had a ->nice archive of old school posts in an additional private folder which have been ->permanently lost. it would have been nice to open said folder to the ->electronic community at large. sorry. many of you with senses of history ->would have really enjoyed it. no toast. In all their glory, OIS removed the toaster to all my appliances without feeding me ahead ov time. zen froze my toes. In any case of beer, there are nice bodies of old school who pose privately with additional parts permantently lost (e.g. mind). It woof have been a dog to get flippers and community paper to large master. sorry, many of you with senses would have made history enjoyable. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-NOV-1997 02:55:52 Subj: Re: Switgy fungy with my poartable picnic players #16 of 16 FLAME Date: 24-NOV-1997 20:49 Expires: 8-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Switgy fungy with my poartable picnic players ->->no. ois, in their brilliance, removed all my folders without letting me know ->->ahead of time. they also mistakenly froze my account. in any case, i had a ->->nice archive of old school posts in an additional private folder which have been ->->permanently lost. it would have been nice to open said folder to the ->->electronic community at large. sorry. many of you with senses of history ->->would have really enjoyed it. -> ->i'm sorry. ois did leave me with a single folder: SMART-CLARK. this was, of ->course, my most pointless folder (and i've had some pretty wasteful ones) due ->to the existance of SMART_CLARK. my "smart clark" has never contained a post ->and should probably be deleted. i have informed living beings on planet earth of your opinion, unfortunately, the high dosage of attention required exhausted mental bandwith. Feel free to contribute to the folder: ANOTHER_FOLDER. sincerely, Kwathquar Moss Pequois Assembler Conduit (Secretary-Minor) From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 27-NOV-1997 19:52:54 Subj: Ploker #58 of 58 RUMOR-MONGER Date: 26-NOV-1997 02:46 Expires: 26-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Ploker is Adian a guido? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-DEC-1997 00:12:37 Subj: Re: Just really bored... #131 of 136 GENERAL Date: 30-NOV-1997 21:11 Expires: 28-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Just really bored... ->I've never been in this bulletin thinger. I'm here over thanksgiving break & ->I AM BORED. I told everyone (family & friends) that I was going to get vast ->amounts of studying done but you know what, I just don't think I want to. Oh ->well, that's about it. Hey, if anyone reads this over break, go ahead and ->respond. Tell me how bored you are or something. I don't anything else to ->say. Sorry if you feel cheated by reading this but hey, don't always come in ->here and expect to find a great deal on an old car or something about a spork. -> ->Later, skaters. Board R' Us. -skaterdude From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-DEC-1997 19:34:07 Subj: Re: Test #132 of 132 GENERAL Date: 1-DEC-1997 17:41 Expires: 29-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Test ->Testing Authorization Failure. Reality not recognized. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-DEC-1997 03:44:37 Subj: Re: just a few words #10 of 12 LIFE-SUCKS Date: 24-NOV-1997 20:57 Expires: 8-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: just a few words ->Fuck People! -> ->now continue on with your happy lives. access denied From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-DEC-1997 23:59:00 Subj: Car Air Freshners #7 of 7 AMUSING-MUSES Date: 7-DEC-1997 07:05 Expires: 21-DEC-1997 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Car Air Fresheners at werk there are two car air fresheners shaped as Pine Trees with pine tree scent, that hang from the handicapp railing next to the toilet in the bathroom at work. i did NOT put them there. finished with this oberservation From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 9-DEC-1997 21:18:53 Subj: Re: if you're maving or are graduating this semester: #116 of 117 GENERAL Date: 8-DEC-1997 20:01 Expires: 5-JAN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: if you're moving or are graduating this semester: I'm selling an empty tissue box, old toilet paper rolls, electrical extension cords, 1996 hang-up calenders, sheet rock, tacks, mouse pads, table of context, peel-strip, video-taped static, a fresh orange, Star Trek Chunk ice crath, Mood music, Plato Bunny, streak of unconciousness, textual geography, vocal pathology, ordinary circumstances, Institutional Witness Control Program (IWCP), pathloss, vision moo, subdiction, typewhip, smothpost, mumblestillskin, Grade: B-& Name: CHAGELSTORY Topic: Lost Evocation Dear Mr. Challengestein: We are delighted to be admitted to the remaining framents to your imagination. The feelings and imagery submitted in your biography have been recorded in our files. Due to the enourmous about of nonsense we receive, we will let you know of a suitable opening for the position of * WARSERVANT METAPHORICAL RELATIVE TRANSFORMER If you do not hear from us between 1000 and 1001 years, feel free to call us, or fax us a copy of your most recent moral fragmentation. We are convientently located where you need the most help. Thank you. Sincerely, Mark Yousless Hiberian, IA. Director of Catharsis From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 19-DEC-1997 19:20:49 Subj: "waltzing with hopeless december" #497 of 497 POETRY Date: 19-DEC-1997 17:33 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: waltzing with hopeless december FROM: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 10-DEC-1997 21:49:46 Subj: december pie brood Blank space ahead, blank space behind, Closet curtain, close the blind, Face buried 'neth a windowless clue, Always coming up, never coming through, The sink was stacked with weeks worth of food, Mom calls up, answering machine drools, Footsteps tuned to doorbell buzzers, Rooms lit up across the street you see, People like you, people like me, Convienent stores open 24 x 7, Buying packs of smoking snacks and magazines from heaven, Walking sleep in other places, Eyes to talk to on other faces, Cross the road, look two ways, Good job for now, long as it pays, Roommate trash and scattered books, Talking questions without a look, Lightbulb missing, toothpaste gone, Forgot to set the Xmas alarm, Birthday seasons, holiday spirit, Any time off, you fell right in it, Drinks at the bar took straight up Saluting your chances between hiccups, And out from chimney, covered in red, Santa pulled dreams from your head, "Ho, Ho, Ho, merry Kiss Miss", he said, Books were scribbed with curls and boxes, Their Words were worn, like old socks, All together, sing, you giggled inside, Various loves you dare not decide, Mattered not now, but perhaps later, Set to low bake, and cook to flavor, Asked of yourself, "what world is this?" What you called life was some angel's kiss. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-DEC-1997 15:01:26 Subj: Re: threesomes #33 of 33 RUMOR-MONGER Date: 20-DEC-1997 02:25 Expires: 19-JAN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: threesomes ->Chagelstein ->Reisner ->Jkosloski bananna pudding olive oil From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-DEC-1997 15:02:12 Subj: Re: damn newbies #19 of 19 FLAME Date: 20-DEC-1997 02:22 Expires: 3-JAN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: damn newbies ->reply ->edit ->whine ->extract -> ->[repeat] -> ->can we talk about something else now? %CLI-W-ABVERB, ambiguous command verb - supply more characters Explanation: Your request to "talk" about something else now has been ignored by the system. You may have errors or omissions in your program or have assumed users have access to curiousity or desire. You may want to reformat your question and supply additional incentive opportunity or acknowledge the uselessness of communication by coding on this static computer screen you read words on. For further help, please consult VAX OSleep or email. Thanky you. Mr. Hanky Sloshmosh Tree Ginger Ordinary Time Limit (OTL, Inc.) From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 24-DEC-1997 14:16:55 Subj: Christmas Representative dispatched from Victoria's Secret #81 of 81 GENERAL Date: 24-DEC-1997 14:07 Expires: 21-JAN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Christmas Representative dispatched from Victoria's Secret Panty Claus From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 24-DEC-1997 14:18:44 Subj: Re: Wanted: #42 of 42 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 24-DEC-1997 14:00 Expires: 21-JAN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Wanted: ->->Let's just say that Dave is a sick, sick puppy and leave it at that. -> ->woof. dogboy From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 5-JAN-1998 12:30:23 Subj: Vaxen Gravepost #29 of 29 RUMOR-MONGER Date: 28-DEC-1997 04:18 Expires: 27-JAN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Vaxen Gravepost sims rmack1 who's next? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 5-JAN-1998 12:34:47 Subj: sucky chuck and sappy sue #8 of 8 LIFE-SUCKS Date: 29-DEC-1997 22:22 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: sucky chuck and sappy sue sucky chuck and sappy sue were eating mcdonalds food, then up from their truck what the fuck? they saw an alien in an igloo It was stuck on the creatures head, blocks of ice around a deadhead, jerry garcia and scooby-do, weird galaxy breeds these, too. sucky chuck said to sappy sue, "shit like this happens, you know" then , when they started to go, the alien shouted, "letgo my Eggo." photomen in black letter jackets wired their strings in bandwith packets, turned their internet on, and before long, broadcast an X-files X-mas song. Mulder and Broadcow emailed their hopes to a world connected by fiber ropes Their webmastered prayers, About to be aired: capitals of Finance were ready to take notes From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 15-JAN-1998 15:39:55 Subj: Re: worcester #49 of 96 GENERAL Date: 8-JAN-1998 22:17 Expires: 5-FEB-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: worcester ->being here for most of break makes me feel like saying -> ->"WOO HOO.: -> ->too much excitement in one town, how can you stand it." Store 24 is changing their name to Street 24. Social professeurs will be required to dress in pink smocks, wear flower pots on their heads, and speak amerispeak. Several area bars will raffle off wheelchairs and walking canes to healthy coffee students to impress their cynicism. Law enforcement will utilize portable security devices to punish stationary objects. Local weather will be cold and damp. Violators will be assessed dubious noxious stares from a wide variety of strangers. Community telephone numbers will be all changed to 411. Telephone books will be destroyed. Mail receptile devices and post office infrastructures will now serve to distribute food, clones and temp workers. Environment areas will display advertising for food, clones and temp workers. Cigarattes, alcohol, and vegtables will include digital neurotic lottery tickets. Banks will serve glue on currency notes to increase personal wealth and symbolic meaning. All information distribution warehouses, including dictionaries, will be suspended in air during emergency conversation sessions Shopping malls and retail factories will be filled with whipped cream and pudding in order to remain consistent with consumers' goals. Educational facilities will be required to erect carboard cutouts of the US. House and Senate in their Student Funding departments. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 29-JAN-1998 13:39:29 Subj: "Loosing Down" #500 of 503 POETRY Date: 23-JAN-1998 17:26 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Loosing Dawn Silence neared completion, sound seared creation, Being stood like a rock with Possibility by her station. Hands would pass holy Mass Faces glowed like woeful moons, Many came and many left, Some too long, some too soon. Stood on by, tongue-shy-- A boy-sodden lad from nowhere glad: What I found was what I had. Daystar and nightdust, Space crinkled her dusty Book: Turning page upon page, She read; Held my Eyes, but did not look. Littletowns and Workinghands, Love glazed a passing stare: Turning round, I knew not where, I heard her say: "What you are is what you share." Wordmarks and Scriptease: Truth snaked up in crooked ease, Turning in, I locked embrace--- I asked: "You the mirror of my face?" Timelessness Forgiven, Clocks torched Beds Slept-In: What came here was not my fear, But something which I believed in. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 29-JAN-1998 13:39:35 Subj: "Dad's letter" #501 of 503 POETRY Date: 28-JAN-1998 19:46 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Dad's letter Line by line Text swam on by, You read your son's letter with love that got no better, grazing your silence with words he mused, unearthen thoughts of you he moved, sitting by unlit light, you held his writ hand in familiar fright: Would he say he missed you now? For all you've done, he would forget somehow. Would he break relative affection? Somehow, no: Loss was his predication. Words wore no vision of him; What he wrote of you was addendum. You creased the paper and reached to your eye, Feeling one tear build up and slowly die, It spilled its full course, on his letter you held near, (something you did to control your fear?) Reading his thoughts frozen on page, Ice-chilling scrawl from Everyman's age: You welcomed him back, in empty space, reading each word, seeing his face, Rubbing memories that kept you warm, Family and Christmas and future which came Home, Now you held him, in uncertain glee As you spoke to him, whispering: "I've always done what I could do." But somehow the words sounded empty. You read in stops, paused to look, At your windowless trees, writing in air, Calling your name for wont of you there. Life that you grew left all that you knew Covered in leaves in your son's letter to you. They swirled into senses you touched and contended--- --places you knew even remembered: guiding your son in guarded devotion, (A terminal sort you set into motion?). You moved your body in slow rotation, Standing up to face yourself in final consultation: But no thoughts came closer than how you would feel, If your son said he loved you, and you were not here. From: OLLIE::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-FEB-1998 16:41:44 Subj: "The Year 2000 Computer Survival Kit, and What you need to do(in the Future)" #146 of 146 GENERAL Date: 1-FEB-1998 15:11 Expires: 2-MAR-1998 00:00 From: OLLIE::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: "The Year 2000 Computer Survival Kit, and What you need to do(in the Future)" The American Values Law (AVL), enacted by Financial and Technological Institutions, Proudly Presents: "The Year 2000 Computer Claus, and What Christmas will bring (in the Future)." Thursda, Febrary 5, 7p.m Century Hall, Cobol Room This possibility is free and encoded onto the publics mind. DIRECTIONS TO THE YEAR 2000: Take all your money from savings and checking accounts, and put tape cash and valuable collectibles to your body. Drive as far as possible from airports, power lines, oil rigs, news media, toll booths, etc. Starting in 1999, do not charge any merchandise on credit cards, or speak on cordless telephones. Do not use alarm clocks, blenders, toaster ovens or microwaves. Starting September 9, 1999, short futures on the XOC, XTC and OEX, going long on US Dollar. Turn over any audio and video equipment and cover with tin-foil, applying a liberal amount of olive oil (with a little red pepper), place outside for the remainder of the year. Begin calling friends and relatives by their social security number, rather than their surname, (call pets and other animals by their actual name. ie: dog for a "dog", cat for "cat." ). From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 10-FEB-1998 01:11:28 Subj: Re: PARTY FOR STEVE!!! #140 of 140 GENERAL Date: 9-FEB-1998 23:04 Expires: 10-MAR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: PARTY FOR STEVE!!! ->->Where the hell is everyone its 3 goddammit! -> ->I'm here, and drunk... Dear Steve: My name is Celebration Indemnification, sorry I missed your party. Feel free to implore me to write like this; however, I am obliged to continue. It was my understanding that your birthday party contained verse substaintially parallel to : Celebration Indemnification, therefore, I arose to renaming my tactile persona in a bona fide enactment of concept through legally changing my indentity to expresso my cafelessness. As you read this Indemnification, the words and termed ologies co-reign looseful interceptions of my expressions for a safe and exciting you universe in new. From: JACK::SGUO Date: 11-FEB-1998 20:08:57 Subj: Re: PARTY FOR STEVE!!! #134 of 138 GENERAL Date: 10-FEB-1998 10:18 Expires: 11-MAR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::SGUO Subj: Re: PARTY FOR STEVE!!! ->Dear Steve: ->My name is Celebration Indemnification, sorry ->I missed your party. I nominate Christ for this week's newbie award for his continuous enthusiasm of swapping words in a cunningly random fashion so as to avoid being pilgarized in any conceivable way. Christ's combinatorial tactic of assaulting funny bones has been proven deadly amusing and ultra-confusing. His leadership in humor, for the time being a class of its own, can only be emulated by an assortment of ganged-up creative geniuses using their golden guns and whatever arsenals. Randy Mack 1, I want Christ as roommate until you prove yourself funnier :) Now a completely non-related question, is there a command in VAX which allows me to compare two files and see if they are identical? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-FEB-1998 20:10:47 Subj: Re: Nichols College symposium: The New South at the Millenium #138 of 138 GENERAL Date: 11-FEB-1998 18:39 Expires: 12-MAR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Nichols College symposium: The New South at the Millenium ->This semester, the Institute for American Values at Nichols College in Dudley ->is sponsoring a symposium entitled "The New South at the Millenium: How It ->Has Shaped the American Experience." Four presentations by leading scholars ->and writers will be offered over the course of the next three months. They ->are free and open to the public. The events will be posted here as their The computer you are reading on is sponsored by the Institute for Communication Values at Pibble College in God Bless You, Paganvania. Uh Choo. Your reading will be entitled "How the New Millenium Bug Problem has Determined My Already Paranoid Consumer Problems with Corporations, Governments and Social Macroscope Repairmen (SMR). Poor boring libations from pre-tested academic standards will be offered over the course of the next two years in order to satisfy Technomodular Media Stuffers (TMS) and free their stool from the Capitalistic Bottleneck of Thoughtput. ->SESSION #1: How the South Is Shaping American Values, Politics, and Culture -> -> Mr. Peter Appleborne, National Desk, _New York Times_; -> author, _Dixie Rising: How the South Is Shaping American -> Values, Politics, and Culture_ QUANDARY #1: How Will The Millenium Bug Get Me? Mr. Standard Appellation, Nationalistic Liberal Libations (New York Times), Short Order Cook: How the Year 2000 Bug proved Excessively Profitable, Valuable Venn Diagraphical Belief Systems, Formulateral Influences, Historical Prayernet Connections (HPC), Livid Transverbalism, Pibble College, Uh Choo, God Bless You, Paganville -> TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 7 P.M., DAVIS HALL 205/207 -> ->Future Sessions: -> -> #2: The South as Economic Engine (Early March T.B.A.) -> -> #3: Of Politics and Race (April 3) -> -> #4: Evaluating the Cultural Legacy of the South: Music, -> Religion, Letters, etc. (April 16) -> ->For more information, call the Institute for American Values at 508/943-6822. ALL FUTURE SESSIONS HAVE BEEN CANCELLED IF YOU NEED MORE INFORMATION, A YEAR 2000 COMPLIANT TELEPHONE WILL BE AUCTIONED OFF IN OUR UPCOMING TRAVEL ADVISORY AND STREET MAP RADIO SHOW (following our text-version, below:) ->DIRECTIONS TO NICHOLS COLLEGE FROM CLARK: Take Route 290 West to 395 South to ->Exit 4B (Sutton Av., Oxford Center). Go through traffic light and drive 8/10 ->mile, then take a left onto Dudley Road. Follow this winding country road for ->approximately 5 miles. At fork in the road, bear right onto Dudley-Oxford ->Road and continue for 1.5 miles; you will pass Shepherd Hill Regional High ->School on your left. At stop sign, proceed straight onto Center Road; you ->will now be on the Nichols campus. Davis Hall is 1/4 mile up the road on your ->left. Park any of the designated lots. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-FEB-1998 05:36:27 Subj: Re: BULLETIN FRUSTRATIONS #119 of 119 GENERAL Date: 26-FEB-1998 03:50 Expires: 27-MAR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: BULLETIN FRUSTRATIONS Landy, General Motion Pictures are making a movie about Vaxing at Clarky Universe: the title of the Movie is called HEATHER AND RANDY'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE. Moinseur PDUNN and moiself were studdering arbout recently similiar ovservations about the decline of discussions on Vax. The two most memorable participants were Randy and Heather. They both seemed to get themselves engaged in philostobble. William Evans, Pinky, carries the robe behind Randy, Swordservant. I don't go much on Rel sucks or Rumors sucks very often, but they seemed to be getting waterlogged in one-highlighters last time I checked. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 28-FEB-1998 06:28:53 Subj: Re: notary public #125 of 135 GENERAL Date: 26-FEB-1998 19:59 Expires: 27-MAR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: notary public -> any place within walking distance where i can have a letter notarized? Blarney Stone. They put a cold mug of beer on your letter, the circle indicates "witness of patronage", proof of service. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 28-FEB-1998 06:30:17 Subj: Re: BULLETIN FRUSTRATIONS #126 of 135 GENERAL Date: 26-FEB-1998 20:24 Expires: 27-MAR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: BULLETIN FRUSTRATIONS -> HAGELMANS-GENIUS seems to be doing okay, however... -> :) "H" is for Haggle for the price of His existence "A" is for Angel that is His Death "G" is for God that inhales and exhales simulataneously "E" is for Egghead "L" is for Love "M" is for Madman "A" is for Apple, "J" is for Jacks, toasted, cinnammon Apple Jacks "N" is for Nihilism "S" is for Slogwhore "-" is for Negative Sign "G" is for Goto Jail Card "E" is for Ego testical "N" is for Never "I" is for I am "U" is for Unearthen "S" is for Silence From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 28-FEB-1998 06:31:31 Subj: "Dear Doctor God" #511 of 512 POETRY Date: 26-FEB-1998 20:16 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Dear Doctor God Each row of words speak your Name, Vain and Pain and Lack of Gain. Each time I write, I feel your Hand reach up and turn off the light. You read me ghost time stories late in the afternoon, I sip your coffin lids and eat your Mushroom. You never listen to cries or sighs, I must be your trillion customer that has come on by. You hold my death in one single breath, All you do is blow, what else do you know? I've taken pills to make me well. Didn't know your pharmacy was called: "Kingdom of Hell." From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-MAR-1998 02:24:34 Subj: "Silence is partial" #512 of 512 POETRY Date: 2-MAR-1998 20:18 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Silence is partial You were dead, nailed in your room. Ended quite fairly, and not too soon. You sawed the light weak, rot your door. Angels of death were swollen for more. Your name came like twigs: breaking like eggs. Tipped toed, lights began flashing. You knew this would be the End of you. All you spoke as you lied there was how you loved, but did not care. You thought in dreams, yet drowned asleep. Your own life was not yours to keep. Noone saw how you kissed empty space of some Love you missed. Your friends were gone, they shared a cake, parties they drunk, stoned and baked. Parents afloat on wage payments, Housed in Retirement, worked a lot to make it. Now you'll say too many things: A wall which was comfort to a soul which hated. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-MAR-1998 07:11:28 Subj: 74 Florence: Xanadu of Worcester (A Play in One Act) #302 of 302 74_FLORENCE Date: 3-MAR-1998 02:46 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: 74 Florence: Xanadu of Worcester (A Play in One Act) ACT ONE SCENE: 74 FLorence Street, Sunday, Grey Voodoo Gothic Afternoon. Bagel carts case of Bush. They approach Robert Frost's Xanadu. Dusty blonde-haired Adonis, complete with photograph equipment, black army boots, army jacket arrives at the side-car door at the House of Severe Architecture. One can hear the sarcastic, maniacal laughter of a woman somewhere above. BAGEL: "hey, dude." ADONIS: "hey, man" PATT: "Hey, dude, we're wondering what doorbell is Randy Macks" ADONIS: "Its the first floor, rear." BAGEL: "you want a Bush?" Bagel puts beer on step, leading up to door. ADONIS: "i think they're playing ultimate frizbee at campus" Adonis looks at Beer and smirks. PATT: "what's that laughter I hear? Is that Lesley? ADONIS: "Nah, I think that's her Doppelganger. The real Lesley is down at campus play frizbee, too." BAGEL: "What's a doppelganger?" ADONIS: "I don't know, dude, this is your story." JACK: "thanks, man. Hey, Bagel, carry the beer!" BAGEL: "Yes sir." Exit Old School. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 4-MAR-1998 13:01:06 Subj: Door #131 of 133 GENERAL Date: 4-MAR-1998 05:48 Expires: 1-APR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Door If you have a spare door please give me a call at 757-9978. I'll take the door off your hands and pay you a reasonable amount of money. Dimensions should be 80"x32" From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-MAR-1998 01:31:30 Subj: Re: no manray #340 of 342 74_FLORENCE Date: 6-MAR-1998 23:23 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: no manray Its Friday , March 6, seeking relative stream of unrelated verbal observations linked together by their representatives of meaning within a couple of pitchers of beer. last call is 24 x 7. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-MAR-1998 20:20:01 Subj: "LOVED BY DEATH" #514 of 514 POETRY Date: 7-MAR-1998 01:50 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: LOVED BY DEATH IF YOU HAD A GUN YOU WOULD BE DEAD WHEN YOU PUT THE NOZZLE TO YOUR HEAD. YOU WOULD DIE LIKE YOU SHOULD AS LIFE WAS DEATH AND DEATH WAS GOOD. FOR LIFE WAS NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT: GOD WAS SOLD AND YOU WERE BOUGHT. YOU SQUEEZED THE TRIGGER AND PRAYED AND PRAYED FOR DEATH WAS LOVE YOU ALWAYS MADE. AND WHEN YOU FELL WITH BLOOD ALL OVER THE LAST THOUGHT YOU FELT YOU FINALLY TOLD HER: "YOU'RE THE LOVE I'LL NOT REMEMBER." From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-MAR-1998 20:28:16 Subj: Re: MOYNIES #343 of 346 74_FLORENCE Date: 7-MAR-1998 01:39 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: MOYNIES I was there just now. I missed you. sluffy. Dear Ordinary Miser of Discontinuation: The following letter is scribed per the requriements of administrational monotony The purpose of this letter is to describe uh, what time is it? whad am I doing loggged on? what folder am I in? what was I writing? where was I? do I still have a job? Thank you for taking the time to obtain further evidence regarding the uselessness of this information. If there is any more we can do for you, please do not hesitate to contact us. Our business hours are 100 b.c to 2010 a.d twentgy four hour hours a day. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAR-1998 04:13:50 Subj: Re: Din-Din Tonite for YOU #121 of 123 GENERAL Date: 12-MAR-1998 03:03 Expires: 9-APR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Din-Din Tonite for YOU Do you have any leftovers? I'm talking about the food, not alumni From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAR-1998 04:14:54 Subj: Re: Is anyone out there selling Girl Scout cookies? #122 of 123 GENERAL Date: 12-MAR-1998 03:50 Expires: 9-APR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Is anyone out there selling Girl Scout cookies? I went to headquarters, like you suggested. But I was not accepted as a girl scout.They gave me some cookies , instead. I'm doing okay. And, besides, these cookies are pretty good. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAR-1998 04:16:32 Subj: Re: Nobel Peace Prize Winner to Speak March 16 #123 of 123 GENERAL Date: 12-MAR-1998 03:53 Expires: 9-APR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Nobel Peace Prize Winner to Speak March 16 >WORCESTER, Mass. Jody Williams, 1997 Nobel Peace Prize winner and >international abassador for the International Campaign to Ban Landmines >(ICBL), will be honored at Clark University on Monday, March 16. INSURCERIFCATION, MASSLOID. JOSHUA ANGLOPHIA SAXON 1997, We, AT THE TEMPLE OF CLARK UNIVERSITY, Do Herby Nominate this Years' Peace Aura and Grand Prize Winner to the International Community Development Tractus, encompassed by a single human entity. Grandeur shall be displayed commencing around the March of Flooded Monday. Student Traffic shall be rerouted through the troughs of A-Field and Maywood street. Any Professors unable to attend this event shall have tenure immediately revoked, their smocks removed from their bodies, and their souls returned to a more routine existence among birdies and ballpark frankfuters. >Williams will receive a Clark University Fiat Lux Award for "outstanding >commitment to international disarmament and peace." The Fiat Lux Award honors >those who have shown exceptional leadership in increasing humankind's >understanding of issues crucial to the 21st century. Recipients demonstrate >courage, integrity, knowledge and commitment to creating positive change. Past >recipients include Nobel Peace Prize winner Elie Wiesel, John Cardinal >O'Connor, archbishop of New York, and U.S. Rep. Tom Lantos of California, who >were recognized for their contributions to Holocaust education. The Awarded individual will receive, in installments not to exceed the Liberty Bell, Clark University's Juicy Recogniztion Award for "arduous tasks focused upon the ancient liabilities of All of Mankind". This Juicy Recognization Award is disposed upon those who have drawn the attention of civilized warriors unable to discount cerebrial ceremonial events. The Award increasingly drains grammatical computations, and examplifies the hypocriscy of 21st century humanity by encoding historical valuations --- those that seed conflict, not rid it. Bestowers of this Ataractical Award have bid up the price of selflessness because of its scarcity rather any intrinsic worth. Turn to page 1 in your iconograms for a full rendition of other individuals spawned by their contributions. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-MAR-1998 00:07:50 Subj: Re: Me... #384 of 384 74_FLORENCE Date: 12-MAR-1998 23:57 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Me... I recall the non-Vax days...Wordperfect 2.0 in the Goddard Libraries, Where every apartment was a 74 Florence street Hang-out 6 Shirley Street w/ PDUNN 950 Main St. w/C Gorman (who became drummer for BELLY) Prez Traina lived over at Elm Park. The Blarney Stone used to be called "The Wheelbarrow". When poeple said they were going to "Wendys" , they meant Wendy's Clark Brunch, not Wendys on Park Ave. The old French Professor had a clear complexion, and a jaunt in his step, and hung out a Moynies drinking his complex cocktail with Nick. When Nick taught film classes before Moynies. When Jonas Clark was open and Free for public loitering during the summer.... ...uh, I think I'm going back too far. I'll stop now. Plese continue elsewhere From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-MAR-1998 08:04:22 Subj: Re: Me... #385 of 388 74_FLORENCE Date: 13-MAR-1998 00:10 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Me... we drink we smoke we play hippie music we make hippy organic food we have no money we have no cares we have clean dishes we have PDUNN we have lotso Busch we have a Year 200 Problemo we have COBRIEN we have a Smiley we have a bright and cheery bathroom we have a Smiley girlfriend we have informants we have a landlord who visits us regularly we have bagfood and quickmouth we have a rotary phone disguised as a clever push-button we are to 74 Florence as Store 24 is to Price Chopper you have entered 38 Clifton St. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 13-MAR-1998 08:07:59 Subj: Re: FIRED #386 of 388 74_FLORENCE Date: 13-MAR-1998 00:21 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: FIRED start a guava gut at 74 Flor: serve red grimey wine, entertain guests with slarcasm, put haughty makeup on, train Randy to juggle bowling balls and sing "Piggalo", outbound telemarketing for venture capital for Guava Gut, recruit pure academic morons in the real world, mix orgainic food with Camel Filters and douse with Busch Beer, play Smiley guitar , same songs over again, spam currently employed organs of the labor body with Java-enhanced termination notices "YOUR FIRED", established a virtual camera at 74 Florence, and attached to Wheatbread Web Site, telnet live chat sessions from a Tuesday Poker Game, allow Molly to recite stories over wide bandwith From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-MAR-1998 11:24:32 Subj: Re: Foreign Languages Newsletter #114 of 114 GENERAL Date: 14-MAR-1998 11:03 Expires: 11-APR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Foreign Languages Newsletter >It's not too late to have a taste of French savoir >faire when it comes to movies. Well, I want to see Gerard Depardieu play the "Dude" in The Big Lebowski before making any decisions, okay? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-MAR-1998 11:28:23 Subj: Caseyville #397 of 398 74_FLORENCE Date: 14-MAR-1998 02:39 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Caseyville Caseyville is a town located in centry 74 Florence, convienently located between square fromp mattress and small CD player. Although ventilation is quite difficult during residents' smoking hours, there is enough air clear enough to determine the mountain of non-recyclable matter laying over the coffee table. Guests are usually offered large pixie sticks to fend off genetically-superior house cats with abnormally large egos. Your stay at Caseyville will sometimes be interrupted by celebrations of Lesley the 13th, or an honory visit from Pinky's Dad of New York City. After disscussion and hard handshakes, Caseyvilles' residents pay homage to its main governmental body of the street-state, 74 Flo' Street. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-MAR-1998 11:31:18 Subj: Smileyville #8 of 11 38_CLIFTON Date: 14-MAR-1998 01:58 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Smileyville welcome to Smileyville, just off of the front room at 38 Clifton. Smileyville is a community where love is an openly expressed act, and technology is a proudly suppressed one. No computers, no push-button phones (rotary), no cocktails from Dominos or movies at Webster sqa', just good-old fashioned sucking face with his womanfriend ,guitar playing night and day, and blues and jetsons DJ music his hi-folk stero PA. Smileyville has a financial budget measured in ounces and grams, rather than dollars and cents, a pinch of this and a pinch of that is ample evidence that an impending transaction is about to take place. As no books are kept, and no account register exists, all entries, are recorded in a simple fasion: Credits go down as IOU's and debits go to Camel Filters. You'll always find a friend in Smileyville, and its kind of hard to leave the people there. They'll make you diner food, always let you say what you want, and accept you no matter what your obnoxious peace requirements should be. And, yep, eveyone smiles with you in Smileyville, singing your age-old slave-wage song, the earnings ample for a solitary existence in Smileyville with Reality another town, far away. If we all lived in Smileyville, we wouldn't have to work or worry about relationships. Your mate would always mop your kisses like a wet toad tree. You'd always have friends in Smileyville, playing lutes, tamborines and figgetstones, with birds and lucky charms flew around your head. Cigarettes would be free, and a Large Man from Busch would fly overhead, pouring vast quanities of beer in golden cups. All you would do is reach out and take it. If you ever perchance visit 38 Clifton Street, look for the 24-hour Art Deco Light in the living room, overhead first-floor informant's apartment. You'll see faires and sweet-loaf goblins playing until dawn, unwinding the trival pathmoss of fear collected through travels we've all gone through, yet never evoked, except in Smileyville. There, they maintain a lantern night and day, a subtle reminder the one never sleeps, even during the dark tomb of day. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-MAR-1998 11:42:22 Subj: Sketch.exe of Problemism #9 of 11 38_CLIFTON Date: 14-MAR-1998 03:18 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Sketch.exe of Problemism Scad Fran drove up to Honey Farms in his Lebaron Pontianc before going to the shop, to pick up the Worcester Telegram and Gazette, a large java multch and a couple of scratch tickets. He went up to the guy at the counter and said: "Hiya, give me two 'Set-Up for Live', three 'Where's My Mortgage', one 'Hi-Load', and seven 'Spock's Paradise'. The guy lazily unrolled the required scratch tickets that Scad wanted, tore them off, and charged him an arm and leg off. His scratty wads of dollar bills, oily and wornlogged by its being scrunched in his jeans, came on the counter, and the two men picked apart the money like two birds on a street. After paying, Scad went over to the Keno area and started scratching his tickets with his lucky Lusty the 13 dime he got free from Lesleyville. On the "set-up for Life" ticket he won a couple of bucks, and lost on "Where's my Student Loan" and "Thanks for Your Society" On the scratch ticket "Spock's Paradise", Scad won three "I Gotta Have my McDonald's Lady, one "Busch Love", and two "Where's my Tax Return" Scad realized that to cash in his Spock's Paradise Ticket he would have to go McDonalds, Blarney Stone and City Hall to get his rewards. He looked at his watch and it was only 4am. He knew that he could cashin his McDonald's Lady at Fortune Convience on Millbury, and get the egg spots and a large meat juice, but he couldn't cash in his Busch Love until 12 noon. Obviously, City Hall had this required system that to cash in his "Where's My Tax Return", he would have to appear before the Massachusetts Attorney General and take a learning test. Scad took a couple of chugs of his coffee, put the winners in his pocket and made off to Fortune Convenience which was open 24 lucky hours per day. They had Keno, too, including a Look Smart Mirror that was set up, and only cost 50 cents an hour. They had more variety tickets, scratch tickets and Keno screens than Proxy 24 and Store 18 combined. Plus, Martha worked there, an old friend from high school. "Hiya, Marth," Scad said as he came in. "Hiya, scaddy, eh, howya doin this morning?" "Ah, I wona couple of 'McDonna Ladies'. Hey, how's BilliY?" "Ah, yeah, he got out of surgery at Vickie D's yesterday." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah, they said he's goina be in traction." "Oh, yeah?" "yeah, you know, they always say that." "Yeah, muthafukas, they're alway's saying that." "Yeah," Scad then strained his eyes, looking for the egg puff and picked himself up three of them to go. Before putting them in the microwave, he pealed off the stickers for the contest "One Thousand Day Cruise around Happyville" He lost 1st Prize, but on 2nd Prize he won a year's worth supply of scratch tickets at Piggola 365. He revealed a large grin and took the wrapper off the Egg puff, holding it up just to be sure. Sure enough, he had won, sanctioned and all by the Massachusetts Stte regulatory bodies and Channel 4 WBZ. "Hey, marth, looka what I won." Marth carefully eyed the wrapper and pepped up. "Piggolas! Way to go , Scaddy" "Oh, yeah, " he responded. The microwave let out a large ding signifying that his other Egg Puff was done. He got it out, looked at his watch, and said to Martha. "I gotta go." From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 15-MAR-1998 12:24:22 Subj: ARCHIVE: POETRY BY CAROL HAGELSTEIN (MOTHER) "The Night We Watched the Professor Strip" 'Twas a rainy eve in '69 And as it approached curtain time, We, umbrellad and gollashed, Trudged through the storm, splash by splash. At last the theatre came in sight The only light on this dark, dismal night. Relieved, we scurried to our seats, Comfortably awaiting the artistic treats. When 'lo and behold we did espy, Another member of the faculty. Our first impluse was to jump and scream, But we settled for a smile, lest we create a scene. The show commenced -- a brilliant start: An assault, a protest chant, a fart. Loudly, the players made their way, Tempting the audience to have their say. We cannot take off our clothes, The haunting cry rang out. We cannot take off our clothes, The cast continued to shout. Then, one by one, right on cue Each peeled off his garments -- Shirt, slacks, shorts, a shoe -- Unveiling the glory of man without ado. But, lest the audience feel left out, The nudies began a new, more piercing shout: Join us, friends, come join in, Strip yourselves free, show your skin. My friend and I, indeed, blushed, Thinking the bare-assed crew, slightly touched. Looking across the way, We wondered what our respected colleague would say? Propriety forbids us reveal all we saw As we stared long and hard across the floor. Our eminent professor, praised as poet and scholar, Stood straight up, wearing not even a collar! Mouths opened wide, we froze in our seats, Listening to the rapid pounding of our heartbeats: Then, without any warning, Professor___smiled, His eyes huge, wanton, and wild. With this, our paralysis ended, And down the steps we quickly descended, Rushing out into the pouring rain, Grateful to be free, though soaked, again. Since that night, we never pass Professor____without a fright, And a twinge of discomfort, as we recall ght sight, Of his body long and lean, Revealing all that stood above and all that stood between. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 18-MAR-1998 05:48:52 Subj: HELP WANTED: APPLY AT 38 CLIFTON: D I S H W A S H E R #425 of 429 74_FLORENCE Date: 17-MAR-1998 19:59 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: HELP WANTED: APPLY AT 38 CLIFTON: D I S H W A S H E R ATTENTION: AN OPPORTUNITY IS NOW AVAILABLE TO PURSUE A CAREER IN THE HYDRA-CULINARY ARTS!! BEFORE YOUR EXCITEMENT IS GREETED, YOU MUST BE EXPERIENCED IN THE FOLLOWING: CLEANING SMILEY'S DISHES CLEANING SMILEY'S ASHTRAY LOOKING AT DISHES FOR MORE THAN SEVERAL YEARS HIDING AND SUPERVISING DISHWARE DECIDING CORRECT SPONGEWARE AND OTHER DEVICES TO ENGAGE IN CLEANSING HAVING A CLEAN ATTITUDE. OUR HOUSEMATES COMMAND THE HIGHEST RESPECT IN THE INDUSTRY OF THE HYDRA-CULINARY ARTS. WE ARE A WORLD-RENOWED SLUMLORD APARTMENT IN CENTRAL MASSACHUSETTS WHICH CONTRACTS SERVICES IN A 2 MILE RADIUS. SOME OF OUR BENEFITS INCLUDE: 401(K) HACKED FOR BARBEQUE HACKING COUGH OF SMILEY LOW RENT , EVEN FREE RENT!!! GOOD RECYCLABLE GARBADGE TWELVE SPONGES AND NO DISHRACK CALL NOW! OUR ANSWERING MACHINE IS STANDING BY. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 18-MAR-1998 05:50:30 Subj: HELP WANTED: APPLY AT 38 CLIFTON B A R T E N D E R #426 of 429 74_FLORENCE Date: 17-MAR-1998 20:17 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: HELP WANTED: APPLY AT 38 CLIFTON B A R T E N D E R AN OPPORTUNITY IS NOW AVAILABLE TO PURSUE A CAREER IN THE ART OF DISTRIBUTION AND MANAGEMENT OF ALCOHOLICS AND THEIR DEPENDENTS A NEW OPPORTUNITY HAS JUST OPENED UP AT 38 CLIFTON TO ASSIST DRUNKS AND PARTY-ADDICTS IN THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES OF WASTING THEIR TIME, MONEY AND POTENTIAL. QUALIFICATIONS: PREVIOUS HANDLING OF SEVERAL CANS OF BUSCH S I M U L T A N E O U S L Y! MUST HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF ALL MASSACHUSETTS LIQUOR LAWS AND THEIR HISTORIAL MEANINGPREVIOUS HANDLING OF ACCIDENTLY SITTING UPON PASSED-OUT PATRONS MUST KNOW HOW TO PROGRAM IN NON SEQUITUR. VERY IMPORTANT! EXPERIENCE IN RESTAURANT COMPUTER! OR NO TIPS!! OUR HOUSEMATES COMMAND TO BE GIVEN THE BEST POSSIBLE ALCOHOL WITHIN A 2 FOOT VICINITY. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS VERY SPECIAL RULE. OUR MOUTHS ARE DRY 24 HOURS A DAY, AND BACCHUS DEMANDS HOMAGE VIA YOUR EMPLOYMENT RESPONSIBILITIES. WE PAY A BONUS. PLEASE CALL OUR HOSTNESS FOR MORE MISSPELLED INFORMATION. SOME OF OUR BENEFITS INCLUDE: MEMBERSHIP TO AAA BOTTLE - OPENER FREE BARTNEDER ENCYLOPEDIA REFERENCE GUIDE AND LOCAL COMMUNITY MAP VOMITORIUM TICKETS 401(K) RETIREMENT PLAN (DIALYSIS MACHINE EXTRA) CALL NOW. OUR ANSWERING MACHINE IS SOBER From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 18-MAR-1998 05:52:28 Subj: HELP WANTED: APPLY AT 38 CLIFTON D O G C A T C H E R #427 of 429 74_FLORENCE Date: 17-MAR-1998 20:27 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: HELP WANTED: APPLY AT 38 CLIFTON D O G C A T C H E R AVAILABLE IMMEDIATELY. OPPORTUNITY BARKS AT YOUR FEET FOR THE RIGHT PERSON WHO CAN HANDLE THE CONSTANT LOUD BARKS AND THREATS MADE BY LOCAL COMMUNITY DOGS. THESE MEAN CREATURES ARE CERTAINLY UPSETTING OUR ROOMMATE, SMILEY. BEFORE YOU "JUMP" AT THIS OPPORTUNITY, YOU MUST BE AN EXPERIENCED DOGGIE HANDLER, INCLUDING TELLING SMILEY THE DOGS ARE IN HIS HEAD LETTING SMILEY KNOW DOGS DON'T EXIST GOING OUTSIDE AND BARKING BACK TO DOGGIES REPRESENTING HOUSE/JAILMATES FROM THE OMNIPRESENT THREATS OF DOGHOGS AT THE LOCAL MEETING HOUSE, OPTIONALLY HELD AT PREZ TRAINA'S RECREATION CENTER: UNDER THE CANOPY DURING GRADUATION CEREMONIES (BUFFET INCLUDED) OUR ONE ROOMMATE, SMILEY, IS HIGHLY UPSET BY THE STANDARDS THESE DOGS IGNORE. WE CAN NO LONGER ACCOMODATE INCONSIDERATE BLOODHOUNDS, AND THEIR ON-GOING VIOLATION OF CLIFTON STREET SILENCE REGULATIONS. SOME OF OUR BENEFITS INCLUDE: 401 (CAN) PLAN RUBBER BONE TAXIDERMIST RENDITION OF SPINOZA BEING CHASED BY ONE OF OUR DOGS From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-MAR-1998 04:37:22 Subj: Re: Public Service Announcement #21 of 23 38_CLIFTON Date: 19-MAR-1998 19:12 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Public Service Announcement As of this post, service still exists. 38 Clifton Street engineers are splanning to neoggiate with Belly Atlantic and corporate Vax officals for increased bandwith and expansion of dialogue with 74 Florence floatation devices by suspending Downing and Charlotte Streets so packets between remote terminals can be delivered without these inconveinent physical layers. Once service is rendered inoperable, feeling creatures of nature have been instructed to ignore traditional methods of prattle and, instead, recite login commands verbally. So, for instance, 38 Cliffies will greet guests and leftovers with "Dial 890-5001, COM1, USERNAME: CHAGLESTEIN, Password: ARI,J$SEL BULL, BULL> ADD " From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-MAR-1998 16:49:01 Subj: Re: spree-day #443 of 448 74_FLORENCE Date: 19-MAR-1998 19:40 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: spree-day I thought sprree day and academic spree day were on the same day. What happens on academic spree day? Do you lern about employment and slumlord dwlling laws, us taxes, temp firms, 401(k) plans, auto/health insurance paperwork, grocery/dry cleaning shopping, credit card budgets off cash withdrawals, hangover bereavement, sick-day shuffling, parental containment, dishware, alarm clocks, cable television, mutual funds, smoking breaks, hard-to-find CDs and remembering to buy toilet paper? I would think that if its an academic spree day, you learn about all this non-academic fun. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-MAR-1998 16:51:44 Subj: General irrelevant idea for a brief span of attention: please ignore #445 of 448 74_FLORENCE Date: 19-MAR-1998 19:55 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: General irrelevant idea for a brief span of attention: please ignore 1. Isolate people who live in the local area 2. Then obtain their street address. 3. Then start a folder about them where they live. For example, 111 HIGHLAND would be about PDUNN 126 WOODLAND would be about the non-existence slum apartment which was torn downto make room for Thomas Moore's UTOPIA What's Adian's address? STORE_24 Would be afolder about the goings on in the lives of an all-night conveinence store. PADLOCK_DOOR_38_CLIFTON would be about CHAGLESTOBBER GUAVA_GUT would be a parody folder on JAVA_HUT where a bunch of old-timers, crawdaddy's, mother-milkfuls and network engineers in assembly language would gather around, read want-ads, unemployment news, and cut coupons. CHAGEL_PERMANENT would be a parody of HAGELMANS_GENIUS where CHAGELSTEIN would mock his own swill. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-MAR-1998 18:08:40 Subj: Random invitation from Bell Atlantic via 38 Clifton Street to 74 Floppies #457 of 459 74_FLORENCE Date: 21-MAR-1998 16:42 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Random invitation from Bell Atlantic via 38 Clifton Street to 74 Floppies Dear Customer Service: This letter is written in ASCII TEXT on behalf of the embellishments and horticultural verbiage which typically precede the nature of invitations to the communinities engaged in the leisurely consumption of ideas and the reckless recantation of friendships and romantic tomfoolery. Bell Atlantic expressedly wishes the members from 74 Flortation area to disenagage from present activities such as DOOM, Polar Orage Dry, Splantoza The Cat, CRAMPS, The Gum Bar, COBRI'S mattress, Skimpy Lesloid dressware, Caseygrove, and troublesome kitty cat contrats and meander through the spring-day blizzard to the home of broken-down conversations, paranoia, partial budgets, lax justifications, overslept careers, and tape-casette music at the 38 Clifton strut residence. PDUNN will greet thee with bush booty splap. Smiely will grin and pontificate, BAGEL will sleep and muse the guests with belly-gut detergents. BellAtlantic wishes to thank these clients for their contribution to englighteing phone calls and patientice while their TELNETTING skills catch up to their on-screen appreance. Feel free, 74 Florence street, to come join Bell Atlantic and38 Clfiton street during this night of off-line connectively, with gifts from discourse to the usual bog-sessions indicative of unemployment, academic probations, poverty, and alcholism, fueled by poker, short attention, other-things, and whatever. we are open till 12 midnight. right door bell right-bottom From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 21-MAR-1998 18:11:05 Subj: Absolutely another post without evidence of intrinsic worth #459 of 459 74_FLORENCE Date: 21-MAR-1998 16:49 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Absolutely another post without evidence of intrinsic worth Dear 74 Florence: My name is Scarlet Newspaper reader, and I am writing to you in regard to a wrong number dialed upon scarlet newspaper , from a source identified as Wheatebread office. The number is, in the other room. Again, thank you for your time in understanding that I will complete the entry of this ARCHIVEinto the 74 Florations street folder without bothering to identify the number in question. In the meantime, if the rendering of this information appears without equal compensation for the amount of understanding gained, then, please call the number below >SORRY THE NUMBER YOU REACHED IS OUT OF ORDER From: JACK::COBRIEN Date: 24-MAR-1998 16:59:58 Subj: Bageltown #29 of 29 38_CLIFTON Date: 24-MAR-1998 13:24 Permanent From: JACK::COBRIEN Subj: Bageltown Bageltown is conveniently sandwiched between 2 floors so spies and informants are consistently supplied to tally behaviors. A belly laugh here or a cackle there is all that is needed to open eyes and feed suspicion. And suspicion is plentiful in Bageltown. Imagine a place where every move is watched and recorded and you will feel Bageltown. The colors in Bageltown will strike you as singular and powerful. The walls have all been painted a bright, opaque shade of red to prevent people from looking in and to ward off all visitors. You see, visitors are not welcomed to Bageltown. They must fight their way in armed with the tools of conversation and keen observation. Everyday in Bageltown is a fight for improved awareness. Nothing is natural or normal, everything, especially every person, is marked with elusive description. The most simple of phrases or movements can quickly become a key point for identification. An individual's worth in Bageltown can be measured by a number of qualities; fantasies, tolerance of spinach or grime. Money is no object as long as you don't owe any, have a continuous supply and count it daily. Bageltown's crops and harvests will be limited but quickly reaped and devoured at astonishing paces. Gone are the rules of etiquitte or politeness. Windows are typically shut and boarded in Bageltown, and plants are requested to die. Sunlight is considered a commodity, to be bought but not sold on the market. The sleeping habits of Mexico have been adopted in Bageltown and siestas come and go without notice. The only way to tell one has come or gone is by request of noise reduction or a rally cry of "BALLYHOOOO." Bodily fluids are shared, encouraged and named. If a wad of snot or pibble comes your way, don't be alarmed, it's a sign of intimacy or affection. Welcome to Bageltown, now please leave. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-MAR-1998 03:03:08 Subj: Re: Bageltown #31 of 31 38_CLIFTON Date: 24-MAR-1998 21:35 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Bageltown ->Bageltown is conveniently sandwiched between 2 floors so spies and informants ->are consistently supplied to tally behaviors. A belly laugh here or a cackle ->there is all that is needed to open eyes and feed suspicion. And suspicion is ->plentiful in Bageltown. Imagine a place where every move is watched and ->recorded and you will feel Bageltown. Doors going through the various sub-dwellings and under picket and electrical fences must be monitored all day to identify lags in social and concurrent interactions between design and specific accomplishments. All devices have been installed to be convienently out-of-sync with normal opinion and ingenuity. Eye-goggles and vocal masks are usually worn to prevent regular understanding. Instead, residents of Bageltown carry plastic bags from Honey Farms filled with Christmas orgyments, slotto matter, and wathgort. These perishable items are sometimes required to barter for phone service, local eletricity and landlord supervision of very bad and poorly dressed house mates. These suspects draw the admiration of peace-smoking activists from around the world, but the dogs across the street will not stop barking until Bagelville allows for multi-doggie communications. ->The colors in Bageltown will strike you as singular and powerful. The walls ->have all been painted a bright, opaque shade of red to prevent people from ->looking in and to ward off all visitors. You see, visitors are not welcomed ->to Bageltown. They must fight their way in armed with the tools of ->conversation and keen observation. Everyday in Bageltown is a fight for ->improved awareness. Nothing is natural or normal, everything, especially ->every person, is marked with elusive description. The most simple of phrases ->or movements can quickly become a key point for identification. -> The colors of Bageltown are unlike those of Bennetton, and will hoard your most single and powerful resource: time. The walls are metaphorically painted in red, and the bathroom is painted in hippie-butt sloppo. These images are exaggerated to hopefully warn all visitors that perception is an uneccessary burden of Bageltown, and its importation is strictly prohibited. You see, every day residents of Bageltown fight for equal awareness. Nothing is elusive enough, so everything, every person is marred with grosteque and/or romantic descriptions. Even the most simple of phrases become movements in a long dialogue of individual abstraction. ->An individual's worth in Bageltown can be measured by a number of qualities; ->fantasies, tolerance of spinach or grime. Money is no object as long as you ->don't owe any, have a continuous supply and count it daily. ->Bageltown's crops and harvests will be limited but quickly reaped and devoured ->at astonishing paces. Gone are the rules of etiquitte or politeness. ->Windows are typically shut and boarded in Bageltown, and ->plants are requested to die. Sunlight is considered a commodity, to be bought ->but not sold on the market. A worthy opponent to Bageltown is the Town of Honey Farms, located between Lord of BayBank and Indian Rest stop. You must possess specific documentation and other indentification receipts to enter Town of Honey Farms, most often these include Coffee Club ticket, Clark University Diplotmatic Degree, Office of Communications Sticker, and Bell Atlantic Phone Disconnection Certification. As you expect, The Town of Honey Farms serves boxfood and bagsnacks, liquids, and detergents for body and soul. You also can request dry cleaning, us taxes, Keno machines and vacation tickets at the counter. The Town of Honey Farms confers a single commodity, Marlboro Lites, to every customer who purchases items in the same tone and manner as before, without variation or expectation. Although The Town of Honey Farms has a surcharge of 200 percent to enter Thy Kingdom, Bageltown offers customers free dish-washing services and monthly rent. ->The sleeping habits of Mexico have been adopted in Bageltown and siestas come ->and go without notice. The only way to tell one has come or gone is by ->request of noise reduction or a rally cry of "BALLYHOOOO." ->Bodily fluids are shared, encouraged and named. If a wad of snot or pibble ->comes your way, don't be alarmed, it's a sign of intimacy or affection. -> ->Welcome to Bageltown, now please leave. The sleeping habits of the residents of Bageltown are like those siestas that go on in Mexico, however, they occur more frequently and involuntary, in the midst of Clifton Street traffic, poker games, and in the middle of The Kingdom of Honey Farms purgatory lessons. Cellmates often fall victim to subconcious levels of comprehension, loss of financial obligations, missing groceries, cancelled subscriptions and overdue notices. Severe incidents include sleepwalking, not paying attention to walls, leaving windows open for too long, and community resignation all at once. Some of these siestas continue without notification. Bodily fluids are mimiced and referred to as symbols in the on-going ebbs and flows between the seasonal cycles which surrounds Bageltown. Any actual emission of these fluids are gross, yet were once used to eject enemy institutional etiquette which favored pizza-snorfing and Smargo Egg Farts over Pibble and other disgusting and unacceptable entries into the world of Bageltown Hall. Welcome. You are vistor number Uno. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 25-MAR-1998 22:08:34 Subj: Re: For example... #19 of 19 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 25-MAR-1998 18:28 Expires: 22-APR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: For example... ->Analogies suck. For example: 38 Clifton Street is 74 Florence Street as a Teepee is to a Camp. LKATZEN is to HSIMS as Courtney Love is to Carol Burnette. Smileyville is to Bageltown as Woodstock is to Waco, Texas. Everybody is to Somebody as Whatever is to Everything. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 29-MAR-1998 00:29:30 Subj: Re: my take at poker games #512 of 527 74_FLORENCE Date: 26-MAR-1998 19:03 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: my take at poker names ->->->Aiden - Mr. Bluff - He never bluffs ->->->Ari - Mr. Quick - Boy, is he slow!!! ->->->Casey - Mr. Tell You can never tell what this kid is doing. -> ->->Okay, let's see. ->->I like Ari and Casey's. -> -> Aidan's name was thought up by Chris last year. -> I'm Mr. Show because I haven't shown up in weeks. -> But perhaps it would be better to let Bagel name us, as tradition warrants. I'm honored to be selected as Poke-lexis, but this designation cannot be maintained within the emerging Gestalt of 74 Florence Street. As adian and mack can attest to, there are elements to Florence street which differed from Downing street, McCoy's phenomenal wins, Mitch's cold-hand bluffing, and the murderous screams of financial plundering coming from a naive Adian_in_the_hole. Goldstein was like the Vincent Price of Poker games, a spine-chilling host its cowboy days. And the Pattmaster was disturblingly more capitalistic the more intoxicated he became (sub-concious effect?). It is not to patronize the traditions emerging at 74, but to bury those of Downing St. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 29-MAR-1998 00:31:38 Subj: Re: Cramps: #526 of 527 74_FLORENCE Date: 28-MAR-1998 15:56 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Cramps: ->I have cramps but I do not have PMS. I just wanted to share my pain. I thought the Cramps already played -- at Manray! I have PMS (Personal Massage Service), but the pain I guess will come when I receive the bill. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 29-MAR-1998 00:33:27 Subj: Re: NOTICE #130 of 131 GENERAL Date: 28-MAR-1998 15:53 Expires: 25-APR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: NOTICE -> Bulletin is closed until further notice due to excessively nice weather. Effectve immediately, there will no INDOOR activities until further notice. We require anyone with experience in lounging around, frisbee, dog-walking, and abstract irrelevant points of view to appear OUTSIDE in deadhead clothes, along with their relentless desire to chill out, so we may distribute offical welcome badges and flower pot handles to each one of you. Fees and expenses for this experience will be surcharge and amortized for the remaining part of your otherwise high-tech, cubicle telemarketer life. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-MAR-1998 13:56:51 Subj: Re: The Ultimate Showdown #528 of 528 74_FLORENCE Date: 30-MAR-1998 19:12 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: The Ultimate Showdown ->Today, once again, Sebty Fo Flo took on suite 203 in an ultimate game that ->will make history. Basically, 74 smeared 203. In the first game, members of ->74 needed only to walk and lightly toss the frisbee to overcome the pathetic ->suite 203. In the second game (only one member of 203 was left, the rest of ->the team were ringers) 74 put a little bit less effort into the sport, and ->were beaten by 1/2 a point. 203 still sucks at frisbee, and will for life. 74 Florence, as always, sails above all others during the event named "ULTIMATE FRISBEE". Flags, ballons, and children floating through air are being called from across the nation to convene upon the House of Supreme Frisbeers. Basically, 203 will never be able to come out of their houses, they will walk with boulder-sized stones on their backs, and when anyone passes by one from 203, they will automatically tell their sons and daugthers "You have seen the very worst ULTIMATE FRISBEE players and all around pathetic examples of humans on what they call 'earth.' Now, my child, you may open your eyes, they are gone." In the first game, 74 merely needed to point the hand they had of God's at the puny 203'ers and breath upon their pathetic souls, look at their awful uniforms and throw one iota of dust at their direction, watching them bow down and succumb to the mightly Calling that 74 Bellows. When the Frisbee was not caught by one member of 203, one could hear the laughter of all of heaven and hell upon that member and 203, and every other member of 203 cried and begged for forgiveness for being the lowest, most unworthy souls to occupy Frisbee-Player bodies. 74 Florence Street, Heros of the Mighty Game, was blessed with sacrifices of crumbled Taco Chips from taco bell, Horns from Shaws and Price Chopper, and the festivies which played all through the night, from Dunkin Donuts to Store 24. Cars, telephone polls, landlords in unoccupied buildings, and professors suddenly were floating in mid-air, singing triumphantly the 74 Florence Street Warrior Song, and how they defeated the disreputable and incompetent Frisbee players fro 203. These 203 players were required to document the reasons for their loss by writing in pain and suffering using a barbeque charcoal lump in front of The Kings of 74 Florence Street while they played Banjo music and made porky faces at the humiliated and defeated sub-human frisbeers that all of man kind shall know as the very worst in the game of Ultimate Frisbee. We hereby thank Casey, The High Honor of Events, for his allowance of being present at the ceremony, and the wonderful World of Adian, for his Grand Manner, and Randy the Great, a Victor of Frisbee over Valor! Merci Bein! From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-MAR-1998 13:58:45 Subj: Ambulance Report: Bagel in satisfactory Condition #41 of 43 38_CLIFTON Date: 30-MAR-1998 18:01 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Ambulance Report: Bagel in satisfactory Condition 8:00AM MARCH 30, 1998 Middle aged, sarcastic overweight and underpaid computer analyst with a minor appreciation of existentialism, including musuems, folk music and local economic communities was rushed to Bageltown Messmorium for wounds sustained by breaking the lower half of his right leg. Patient requied 3 Bush beers, Jello Biafra with Mulligan and Smiley, and several nods off into sleepyhood. 10:00am MARCH 30, 1998 Patient remembers paywage responsibilities, limps to bus stop, greets co-workers, and puts bagfood into icebox. Once secured, patients sits down, logs on, code, performs memory functions, senses foot. Conclusion: amputation unnecessary. Although swelling and increased pain persisted, doctors noted the typical ignorance of western-civilized men with obvious problems and laughed accordingly. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-MAR-1998 13:59:36 Subj: CHANNEL SIX NEWS FROM MOYNIES #42 of 43 38_CLIFTON Date: 30-MAR-1998 18:32 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: CHANNEL SIX NEWS FROM MOYNIES MAN-DOG CHARGED WITH LOCKING HUMAN OWNER OUT OF HOUSE Yesterday afteroon, a neighborhood dog, cleverly disguished as a normally intelligent Worcester State College Student, sniffed around and rummaged through a 38 Clifton Street apartment, locking the owner out of the room. Metaphorical authorities have hypercharged Airy Herzong, a bothersome barking dog around 39 Clifton street, for wearing human makeup, professing normal behavior, and misleading several human beings into allowing he dog a seat in McCoy's Living room furniture. Several witnesses and the victim claimed that the dog's instincts forced it to sniff around and spray a strange scent in a Mr. Honey BagelFarm's room. Bagelfarm says "I thought it was a human, until I heard the creature bark behind the locked door of my room." Scientists claim that dogs normally look like a human until the laws of social interaction fail them. Dr Bosshound, president of Neighborly Dogs of Society, says, "Many supposedly 'human beings' are actually dog-sniffers bug dogs, squat-pointers and other varities of dogs who will act strange, even rude, when the boundries of social interaction are incomprehensible." Bosshound speculates that Herzong could not handle the normal discourse between individuals, transformed into a dog, and proceeded to lock one of the individuals out of his room, so Herzong could perform doggie doodies. Superego, sub-psychological police had to break the door down to allow the Herzong dog to retransform back into a human so he could mumble inchoherently, regressive profile, and show-off explicit humilation. However, the tail was still between his legs when he left the residence. Bagelfarm was slightly wounded in the incident by suspressing the natural urge to ethically contain the aggressor. Instead, he went to Honey Farms to purchased a draft of LOGON tickets to Vax, transfer several million POKER dollars to Adian-Ultimate Frisbee, File for an Extension of Alumni-Residency status, dialed Randolph Mack for phone serices and engaged a Smiley folk-tune with Busch and Casey. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 31-MAR-1998 14:00:22 Subj: Letter to 38 Clifton Street from Community Violation Committee #43 of 43 38_CLIFTON Date: 30-MAR-1998 18:50 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Letter to 38 Clifton Street from Community Violation Committee MARCH 30, 1998 38 CLIFTON ST. WORCESTER, PLEASANTCHUSETTS 01603 RE: SUBJECT MEMBER: CHARMING O'BRIEN SUBJECT MEMBER: SONG OF LOVELY SMILE SUBJECT MEMBER: PADLOCK DEAR RESIDENTS We at the Supreme Pavilion of Communities across the Nation denounce the ignorance of ye tenets to paying bills, reading mail, apartment rent transactions, non-toll-free telephone services, Jello Biafra, wall and floor torture, sloppy door repair, falling asleep or past-out vistors, over-piled dishware with Presto Spagetti Sauce liberally applied, spagetti- painted bathroom with chirpies, bugettes and little fryman painted with ugly watercolor fashion, immature bathtub cold water, Frogboy head-bangs, 74 Florence Street competitive practices, cheating on Bulleting, poor verbal structure during conversations, overfolwing ashtrays, very bad dogs waking the Sleeping Smiley, pribble, leaky celings with large vomitorium bucket-sized, breathable vegtable hibble food, slavewhore pre-dawn alarm-clocks, Java Johnny, and the list goes on and on.... The Pavilion is offering community wellness at Honey Farms with a free purchase of coffee and a bagel with lotto tickets and a phone call to the eletricity company, excluding reversal of receipts from, but not including, all stand-by us-taxes from Special 4-LOGON tickets, Marbosom Lites, free exchange checking and doorbell services from Bell Atlantic, with a chance to win a special McDonalds-Domino's Pizza with extra dryfood and bean-soaked crust. [This letter was never actually sent to 38 Clifton St pleas contact your nearest representative for the relational dialogue nearest you.] Sincerely, Anti-Gravity of The Marketing Corporation of America Testing Facilities 38 Floor St. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 2-APR-1998 20:35:03 Subj: Re: keys #538 of 538 74_FLORENCE Date: 1-APR-1998 22:53 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: keys ->I just had an interesting revelation tonight. It's like there are all of ->these keys in the world, and they all open something. I mean tonight Lesley ->was saying how she has four of these random keys, and she doesn't know what ->they open. Yet the keys must open something; they might open a padlock, or a ->mail box, or one of those little cute locks on a suitcase. What's up with ->these key things? KEY TO DIFFERENT KIND OF KEYS USER KEY Pdunn Busch Rmack Screens Lesley Wardrobe C'Obri Observations Bagel Walls/Floors Smiley Dude Ari Self-Elimination Casey-Dude Frisbee-Dude Adian Self Strawberry Rmack Sam Smiley-Dude Sam's Car 38 Clifton St. Transportation Clifton St. Dogs Metaphors Year 2000 Hold-Your-Breath HSIMS Holding Pattern Ralphs Old School Moynies Older School 74 Flo' Steet New School Goldstein Old School Poker Chris Gorman Cgormz From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 2-APR-1998 20:37:14 Subj: Re: ralphssssssssssssssssssss #48 of 50 38_CLIFTON Date: 1-APR-1998 22:31 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: ralphssssssssssssssssssss ->who wanna go tonite?...and gimmie ride? -> ->lesley "need divey cool bar, and i wear too much black" katzen Its somewhat odd that you would post this in a folder of whose residents are either: 1) Own No Car 2) Have no License to Drive Car 3) Both Chris "I only look at screens, walls and floors" bagel From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 2-APR-1998 20:39:11 Subj: Re: The Economic Outlook and the Outlook for Economists #144 of 160 GENERAL Date: 1-APR-1998 22:10 Expires: 29-APR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: The Economic Outlook and the Outlook for Economists ->Wednesday, April 1, 1998 ->4:00 PM to 6:00 PM ->Lurie Conference Room, Higgins University Center Cookies: .25 cents each Coffee: .50 cents a cup Advice: $3000 per hour ->Mr. Miles Cary Leahey ->Chief U.S. Economist ->High Frequency Economics Mr. Mild Carry-Forward contract Cheif Economist Warning Syntax Frequently High Economics -> and -> ->Mr. Steven A. Seelig ->Deputy Director, Division of Research and Statistics ->Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation Mr. Standard SeeLess Pontification Director, Division between Reality and Theory Federal Assistance Media Control ->will discuss: -> ->The Current Economic Situation The Current Justification of Old Economic Theory. ->The Economic Outlook The New Economic Outlook ->What Can Go Wrong -> What is "Wrong?" ->Economics Training -> Buy Low, Sell High ->and Opportunities for Economists. -> Sell Short -> ->Hope to see you there. No Sale. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 2-APR-1998 20:41:50 Subj: Re: Undergraduate Workshop in Psychology #146 of 160 GENERAL Date: 1-APR-1998 22:21 Expires: 29-APR-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Undergraduate Workshop in Psychology ->->Free jellybeans! -> ->Wow, the Psych department is getting pretty desperate. The reason they refer to jellybeans is a tounge-in-chic psychiatrist joke. Jellybeans are usually seen in the waiting rooms of many psychiatrist temple labs, along with reproductive therapeutic technologies (art). From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-APR-1998 13:27:33 Subj: Re: Hey!! #51 of 51 38_CLIFTON Date: 2-APR-1998 21:00 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Hey!! ->To the boys in 38 (Baglee, Cathsy, and Patty-cake live not at 38) wazzup? ->Keep in touch. With reality, your bodies, your selves, and have fun. See you ->when I see you. Purely derivative annoucements of possibility is only allowed during our CLIFTON STREET DRUNKFEST AND RENT-FREE DIALOGUES This is a time when members of 38 Cliffy celerate: 1. The creation of Honey Farms 2. Festive Dog grooming 3. Smiley Fungible Instruments (SFIs) 4. Looking at Wall contests 5. Pin the Ari on the Door Games 6. Dunkin for Donuts in a vat of Pribble 7. Smiling at Landlord control 8. Strawberry Happiness with Flute-playing by RMACK 9. A law of wall-rules and floor procedures 10. No smoking songs on the porch 11. Bagel Bagfood Eating Context 12. Suprise Guest Rent Payment contest 13. Supra-Idealism Gasoline bills for non-existant, yet pre-certain allegorical transportation from Worcester outward. Casee, we Cliffynewts, humbly invite your anxious 74 Flo' s to wade in the pool of descendent social conversations and rummage for the parables through the dawnseed of our beginning. (a six-pack of Corona is required however, to be sacrificed , to the refridge) From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-APR-1998 13:29:18 Subj: Sooo, I guess I have a question, #45 of 54 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 10-APR-1998 12:48 Expires: 8-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Sooo, I guess I have a question, OKay, if you are going to fall in love, does that mean your going for the relatioship part? Or does it mean your going to go for the have a romantic-thingy. ? I'm getting mixed up between if your interested in someone, you must be going for the compadible-mate part or the see-you-around thing? One person will feel your going for the Lets-be-an-item thing, and the other person will feel lover-buddy thing, which maybe all this confusion comes from. So one person will have to concede to another by giving more to a relationship (but they don't want to give more), or the other person will hve to concede to another by giving less to a relationship (but they want to give more). From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-APR-1998 13:30:43 Subj: er, another little question fer ya #46 of 54 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 10-APR-1998 13:01 Expires: 8-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: er, another little question fer ya So, is the phrase "Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" true? Perhaps the reasoning behind this phrase is less significant than the phrase itself, i don't know, I'm just assuming there is some merit worth exploring in uncovering any evidence in the phrases' possibility. I mean, I fell in love , but I'm still wondering if one is any worse off if they never felt love for another person in a relationship compared to one who has. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-APR-1998 13:33:22 Subj: Re: A complete computer system for sale #171 of 176 GENERAL Date: 10-APR-1998 11:19 Expires: 8-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: A complete computer system for sale ->I am selling a mac Performa with HP Inkjet printer, and SONY speakers. ->75MHz ->1GB Hard Drive ->40 MB Ram ->CD-ROM ->56K US. Robotic Modem ->15" SONY Trinitron monitor ->plut software for school, games, and the Internet. ->Asking for $1,100 I am renting a Clifton Street Performance Artist with Biafra stero system with SONY speakers. 75 busch 1B Mario Brothers Casette 40 dollars rent money Camel Filters 56 US old black and white movies 15" screen TV plus people for games, music and dialogue Asking for pleazure From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-APR-1998 13:37:23 Subj: Status report regarding Randy Mack #558 of 590 74_FLORENCE Date: 6-APR-1998 20:09 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Status report regarding Randy Mack Dear Zorgon: I am sitting here in the living room of 74 Florence Street with one of the more desirable users of my technology, Randy Mackoid. Mackoid is playing with my DOOM 3.4 controls while drawing a squishful of Bananna-Coke he received from a woman named "buttercup" from Honey Farms. It is to my dearest span of honor, Zorgon, that I am able to to indicate how proud I am of young Mackoid. After mastering several levels of complex computer simulation games, he has grafted certain parts of his anatomy to the keyboard, as well as gurgling correctly the names and positions of all of my pieces on my screen. Sometimes he is rudely interrupted by social organisms with moving parts. Fortunately, there is nothing they can do about me, as they lack the necessary bandwith to reach the core of his individual soul. The most recent game Mackoid has mastered has been identified as "Honey Farmology", which is based on a local convienence store, situtated somwhere in the Planet of the States. Mackoid has acquired special scratch tickets in which a little merlin magician squeeks "HOLD ME!" when the tickets are paid for distribution. His ability to communicate with the lottery, ATM and postage officals has enabled Mackoid to travel through the maze of omnipresent instructions and forms that the United States of Honey Farms requires that its patients complete before conquering financial redemption. In fact, local and long-distance service is provided when he enters, along with a Smiley-playing banjo and his flute-pleasant lady-assistant, "Lovestuff". Individuals, who had previously come to Honey Kingdom to purchase items of necessary skill, usually feel weak and uncertain in Mackoid's presence, bowing down to him and allowing Mackoid to feel their brains for surges of attention and memory. I am happy to report, Zorgon, that Mackoid is in fairly good condition after being surrounded by a strawberry sorbe, poker faries and community jet-lags through purpose. His blood-type, however, requires replishment, so if you can email several years of Ginger-Ale, Fog soda and Diet Blubby, we can begin to train him on visualizing cable and media stores for grand-openings nationwide. Sincerely, Moggie_Hoo_Moss Jimmy the Cricket Mario Brothers Westminster, KY. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 11-APR-1998 13:38:23 Subj: Re: april 17th #564 of 590 74_FLORENCE Date: 7-APR-1998 20:02 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: april 17th ->HELP! my account will be terminated on the 17th ->ADVICE PLEASE? -> ->Lesley "cannot live without vax" Katzen CLARK UNIVERSITY WUSTAH, CARNEYCHUSETTS INDUSTRIAL TOWN 01602 Attn: Vax Staffage Dear Vax: My name is Surgeon Examination, senior typographical editor, subconcious in charge of fixing the CHAGELSTILLEUM COMPUTER PROBLEM BUG set to expire in near your near future. Recently, evidence surfaced regarding the possible speed of this problem by removing a significant source of purpose and creative intent from USERNAME: LKATZEN. Any removal of USERNAME: LKATZEN will extinguish and permantently harm the utility of creative problems, explanations, random observations and overflowing enthusiasm for indulgences and passions through her writ. Further, if her gothic, post-raphaelite /deconstructive romper-stomps through the posies of human communication were to suddenly vanish, Vax bandwith would shrink, more connections would be lost, and nobody would be able to figure out what LKATZEN was trying to convey. In an Electronic Republic, every country needs a representative such as LKATZEN to standardize the architecture of its foreigners as well as citizens. The Secretary of the National Comptextual Figurative Association has determined that it will be necessary to configure an immediate solution without the explicit assistance of Clark University in this matter by authorizing my participation in the termination of USERNAME: CHAGELSTEIN privileges. Therefore, effective April 17, 1998, CHAGELSTEIN postings will cease unless USERNAME: LKATZEN has been granted Vax access. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:36:45 Subj: Re: Assumption Rally 4/23 #59 of 144 GENERAL Date: 23-APR-1998 18:25 Expires: 21-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Assumption Rally 4/23 -> On Thursday, 4/23, from 3 to 5 pm, large groups of students will hold a rally ->in Red Square to "out" Junior Bill Evans and accuse him of being gay. ->Attendees of the rally will be encouraged to hold up large banners and ->placards bearing slogans such as "Bill-- the Homo from Hastings" and ->"Goddamn, Bill's a Queer One, Sho' Nuff". A member of BILAGA will announce ->through a megaphone that Bill might as well just come out of the closet right ->now, instead of perpetuating his false, miserable facade of a life. -> -> Later, the protesters will realize they've jumped to a conclusion, and go ->home embarassed. What about the Rally being held for Josh Duskin? Does he have enough room on his show for himself? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:38:22 Subj: Re: PAY ATTENTION! #77 of 144 GENERAL Date: 28-APR-1998 18:03 Expires: 26-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: PAY ATTENTION! ->I know someone who REALLY needs a bed. ->Lice control available. Feel free to remove any empty returnable Busch cans from bed, and place in non-vomitorium bag for distribution later on. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:39:18 Subj: Re: delightful bits #79 of 144 GENERAL Date: 28-APR-1998 18:07 Expires: 26-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: delightful bits ->Lucky Charms, yeah! Honey Farms, frolic! From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:40:11 Subj: Re: Books for sale!!! For undergrads and MBA students... #80 of 144 GENERAL Date: 28-APR-1998 18:26 Expires: 26-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Books for sale!!! For undergrads and MBA students... ->Books for Sale !!! ->In a very good condition Derivative Financial Texticals Available In a very volatile market: ->Introduction to Futures and Options Markets $10 ->Not required but very helpful for Derivatives Induction to Pre-Arbitraged Markets: Sell Knock-outs and currency straddles to your neighborly-capitalistic bank ->Intermidiate Accounting, Kieso & Weycandt $50 ->9th edition, 1998; Financial Accounting and ->Reporting part I & II (Bokkstore price $82.50) Metapherome Accounting: Funked & Wagged: 9th Edition: Holding companies created as synthetic instruments among financial academics, used as barter in textbooks. ->Accounting, Information Technology and $40 ->business solutions, Hollander, Penna, Cherington; ->Accounting Information Systems class ->(Bookstore price $73.60) Discounted Information Technology and Business Fantasies: Hollander Sauce with Pimpentos: Wholly Owned Class Divisionary Concept developed by speculators and shareholders to force severe and unforseen market swings. ->Financial Statements Analysis, C.H. Gibson $50 ->7th edition 1998, (Bookstore price $81.50) Financial Resignation Statement Analysis: ChristopherBagel 7th Edition: (Out of Print) ->Programming Abstractions in C, $35 ->A second Course in Computer Science ->Eric. S. Roberts, 1998 (Bookstore price $50.35) Problems with Abstrations A second serving of Relative Science. Smileyhood From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:42:30 Subj: Re: CELEBRATION OF CENTURY AT THE WORCESTER ART MUSEUM #111 of 144 GENERAL Date: 2-MAY-1998 12:14 Expires: 30-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: CELEBRATION OF A CENTURY AT THE WORCESTER ART MUSEUM ->What is a historical interpreter? A publisher. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:45:54 Subj: Re: CELEBRATION OF A CENTURY AT THE WORCESTER ART MUSEUM #112 of 144 GENERAL Date: 2-MAY-1998 12:16 Expires: 30-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: CELEBRATION OF A CENTURY AT THE WORCESTER ART MUSEUM ->>What is a historical interpreter? -> ->BASIC-80. -> ->What's a historical compiler? death. When you compile the program, it abends automatically. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:46:54 Subj: Re: Historical Interpreter #113 of 144 GENERAL Date: 2-MAY-1998 12:25 Expires: 30-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Historical Interpreter ->A historical interpreter is an actor who takes the role of an ->actual person, and in this case, roams about the grounds ->engaging in conversations with visitors. A historical converter is a conversation which roams around actual persons, and in this specific case, falls asleep periodically. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:47:51 Subj: Re: CELEBRATION OF A CENTURY AT THE WORCESTER ART MUSEUM #114 of 144 GENERAL Date: 2-MAY-1998 12:29 Expires: 30-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: CELEBRATION OF A CENTURY AT THE WORCESTER ART MUSEUM ->->->You have no right to repress me or anyone else who ->->->wishes to make comments about anything ->->->(SEE WHEATBREAD, SOUTH PARK, JOSH DUKSIN SHOW, ROCU, ->->->the ONION, HOWARD STERN, etc.) ->-> ->->of course we do, especially if it is offensive, like some of your examples. ->->personally, i feel very offended at the mention of the organization whose ->->website you are promoting... -> -> If you think it's right to repress speech, you're a coward and have no ->business being part of a liberal arts university. ^^^^^^^ And, besides, the business of repression is to see how successfully it contains liberal artists. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:49:41 Subj: Re: desk for sale #115 of 144 GENERAL Date: 2-MAY-1998 12:32 Expires: 30-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: desk for sale ->I'm asking $50 for my desk. Call Lynne if interested-- 798-6667 Does it come with a house? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:51:35 Subj: Re: Sonic Youth #116 of 144 GENERAL Date: 2-MAY-1998 12:35 Expires: 30-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Sonic Youth ->with Sean Lennon and Tom Verlaine with Jimmy Ripp Bloffo Snargle and the Socks from Jersey. ->all ages ->June 6th Palladium $14.50 all demonations, ages excluded. ->7 pm tix on sale today through strawberries that sounds nice. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:53:59 Subj: 74 Floorence Street HAIKU #724 of 768 74_FLORENCE Date: 5-MAY-1998 18:51 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: 74 Floorence Street HAIKU See Jack, Patt, Bagel. They walk to the Bleary Stone. They call for a phone. Someone rings "Hello?" The voice comes from the Juke Box: Ancient Telephone. The men of Clifton hear the clinking of beer glass in a sad dial tone. The caller hung up. It was drunken history. It was closing Time. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:55:03 Subj: Smileyvoid HAIKU #725 of 768 74_FLORENCE Date: 5-MAY-1998 19:08 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Smileyvoid HAIKU The man played guitar like the turn of four seasons: dying and living. His cigarette smoke swirled into a crowd of love: It was hard to breath. He spoke what he thought. Except when the bills were due. He simply forgot. When you see Smiley Don't ever lay down your Key. He took one from me. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:56:37 Subj: Another dumbass HAIKU #727 of 768 74_FLORENCE Date: 5-MAY-1998 19:23 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Another Dumbass HAIKU Dumbass Haiku Guy: Writes in a syllable line. This is Cornyville. Cornyville is Gay. It is where Josh Duksin plays. Very Big Planet. Cornyville is Drunk Like a philosopher Punk. Makes me want to puke. The Crying Towel Is to cry your Soul upon And to sop up Death. People will Pribble, And then they will call you "Dude." Like, whatever, dude. I like floors and walls. They are part of my budget. Except they are free. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 19:58:17 Subj: Re: Smileyvoid HAIKU #728 of 768 74_FLORENCE Date: 5-MAY-1998 19:24 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Smileyvoid HAIKU ->Nightly agenda ->Is repeated without fail ->Please bring Smiley back. Time to plan anew. What will we talk about, dude? Smiley and Bagel? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:00:26 Subj: Re: Games #12 of 79 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 16-APR-1998 18:33 Expires: 14-MAY-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Games ->->->->->"Oh Jody, are your hands full? I'm not going that way, but I'll walk ->->->->->you home so that I can hold the door for you." ->->->-> ->->->->It's called CHIVALRY, YOU FUCKNUTS!!!!!! ->->-> ->->->Chivalry died with equal rights. You can't have your cake and ->->->eat it too. (In this case, I'd rather eat... ie equal rights) ->-> ->->Dave. The day I follow your advice on women is the day I wear sandles and ->->smoke pot. -> ->Hmmmm.....should I say anything? Or should I stay quiet? gut feeling...gut ->feeling....always follow the gut feeling...... You should stay quiet and remain steady in your room. Kindly turn off your computer monitor and kneel down. Remember, this is a RELATIONSHIPS_SUCKS folder. Its very touchy. Unplug all appliances and close all windows. Run cold water over your feet, counting slowly backwards from 100 to 1. Spread honeymushroom sauce over a plain paper pad, begin writing with an organic feather-tipped pen, about bunny gibblets, guppy cubs and historical metasynapic relationships. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:03:50 Subj: Re: Effective May 2 #57 of 94 38_CLIFTON Date: 20-APR-1998 14:08 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Effective May 2 ->All bets are off. ->Email CHAGELSTEIN for more information. Partyville charges admission. Monthly fees have been waived, however penalties and other charges have been accuring effortlessly. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:04:55 Subj: Re: BAGEL #60 of 94 38_CLIFTON Date: 20-APR-1998 14:27 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: BAGEL ->-> Get a motherfucking phone. Immediately. ->-> ->-> PS. Be in Sanford Hall by 11pm tonite. -> ->Okay dude, check it out: ->Bagelite has a phone. Petitions to encourage him to make it useable must be ->sent to CHAGELSTEIN. Use words like: classic, totally, whatever, vomitorium, ->and don't forget to mention cream cheese. THis will either piss him off or ->enchant him, but I think it's worth a stab or a shot or some other puncturing ->wound. Dude, that was basically classic. Check this out. Randy came over last night and was pretty confused. He was like "whatever, bagel, you coming to the show?" And I said, "Dude, like, check it out, I'm classic" Then I think some dude said, "Yeah, dude, your a classic dumbass." That was totally unacceptable. Then Splatty slapped on Earth Refridgerator Classical Music, and Randy-dude, like, he was pretty pissed off or something. The dude was like "whatever", so he was about to leave. But, you know, we don't have a clock, so Patty like said, "dude, check it out," (I thought the dude was talking to Smileydude, but whatever.), so Randy looked at Patt and asked "Check what out?" Smattyplat like said "We don't know what time it is because there's no clock in the apartment." Randy was basically like "whatever, dude, you don't have a phone either." Smuttyputty said, like "Dude, Bagel has a watch or something." It was classic, because Bagel's watch has more appliances on it than everything in 38 Clifton St. Okay, so like, check it out. Randy was like "okay, dudes, whatever, get bagel to the show." then he left. It was semi-classic because when Randy left he came back in the room dressed like Ari. The dude was like whatever also but more totally classic than just basically. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:06:44 Subj: Re: yoyoyo #71 of 94 38_CLIFTON Date: 23-APR-1998 18:34 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: yoyoyo -> I've got videos of various members of the 38 Clifton posse on the Josh Duksin ->Show. Any ideas how to copy them onto a tape for everybody? 1. Organize everybody in a large room. 2. Play the tape. 3. Instruct everybody to watch the tape closely. 4. Tell everybody to copy the behavior of 38 Clifton Street people. 5. Live accordingly. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:07:19 Subj: Re: yoyoyo #72 of 94 38_CLIFTON Date: 23-APR-1998 18:36 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: yoyoyo ->->-> I've got videos of various members of the 38 Clifton posse on the Josh Duksin ->->->Show. Any ideas how to copy them onto a tape for everybody? ->-> ->->uhhh...bring them over...we have 2 vcr's -> -> Cool. When will someone sober be there? When all funds have been depleted. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:08:10 Subj: Re: yoyoyo #74 of 94 38_CLIFTON Date: 23-APR-1998 18:50 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: yoyoyo ->->->-> I've got videos of various members of the 38 Clifton posse on the ->->->->Josh Duksin Show. Any ideas how to copy them onto a tape for everybody? ->->-> ->->->uhhh...bring them over...we have 2 vcr's ->-> ->-> ->->I hope they are battery operated. -> -> you lost your electricty too? We lost count of the *cost*, not the electricity itself. The last bill offically received was in January. It was in Mitchs' name. Comgas was in McCoy's as well as Bell Atlantic. We just switched Busch into our Name. The cost for Busch is only 1000 gallons per month. That's a pretty good deal since only one guy pays for Busch, and he doesn't live at 38 anyway. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:09:24 Subj: Tonite's update #75 of 94 38_CLIFTON Date: 25-APR-1998 22:03 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Tonite's update Wanted to make a general announcement while the activity is taking place right now. Busch delivery run was performed recently, and participants are now engaged in the weekly ritual of consumption. Mario brothers with generic rock n' road is blurgering through the grills of two speakers atop a traditional non-cable television receiver. Several lards of male perception are spanning the guns and shooting off theory, ordinary heterosensationalism and determining the boundries of the evening with a comfortable gathering of brewskies and a long-awaited future towards the bar. The slush fund has been tapped tonite to support the investment in social circumstances beyond my tolerance and personal expense. I will not be purchasing shares of their offering so I can retire to my walls and look at them for assistance. Please feel free to save me by dropping by and asking for my security papers and other documents. I will comply and bring you dysfunctional emotional detergent. Sincerely, Mort Sortafinished From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:10:47 Subj: Re: To what do I owe this honor? #81 of 94 38_CLIFTON Date: 28-APR-1998 18:55 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: To what do I owe this honor? ->On my way to Clark yesterday. I bumped into chagelstein. Yay! ->and met the infamous Pat Dunn. wow, is he tall. and there was ->some other guy with them but i didn't know him and no one ->bothered to introduce us. then I bought snapple and they ->went in the other direction in search of something to eat. ->the end. The other guy was Jack . We were searching for the following* (*not necessarily in the following order): 1. Love 2. Beer 3. Money 4. Conversation 5. Friendship 6. Jack's Jeep 7. Smileydude 8. Lesley 9. Busch 10. ChattyO' 11. Party 12. 38 Clifton 13. Pizza 14. ATM 15. 74 Florence 16. Vax 17. Poker 18. Tortia Sam's 19. Lechmere 20. Unrelenting futures 21. Visionary Losswalks 22. Lady God Mark (LGM) 23. Landhole Pills 24. Wage Verification and Age Measurement 25. Unformulated Simpleton Signwares 26. Frontloaded Tool Frogs 27. Frank Frost 28. Scattered Awakenings 29. Leftover Braincud 30. Lapoise Cells in cherry stool 31. Wingslut Apple Purposes 32. Snapple Farms 33. Lingering Sweet Vermonters 34. Sunswish Furball 35. Ape Stump 36. Lost Email Attatchments wearing Igloo Hats 37. Robo Hope 38. Venison Stuffer Staff members 39. Oridinary Tomato Squashers 40. Rump Phews 41. Spanned Spurts 42. Floating Zebras addicted to Mentos 43. Pork Chocolate Daddys 44. Barn Jugs 45. Slost Marriage phones 46. Drool Pigeon 47. Lexicon Gibblet Saxaphonists 48. Corn Wart 49. Wobbly Displeasure with Gobbling Milksuds 50. Quaff Quants From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:12:00 Subj: Re: Loss ov Electricity? #82 of 94 38_CLIFTON Date: 28-APR-1998 18:56 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Loss ov Electricity? ->Did you folks really lose your electricity? MTV Un-Plugged. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:12:50 Subj: True or False? #86 of 94 38_CLIFTON Date: 30-APR-1998 20:26 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: True or False? When your afraid, hide. Blow off the truth when your afraid. Friendship is more valuable than Trust. If your Wrong, then Apologize. You can't be Right and Wrong at the same time. Only accept apologies from someone who asks you to accept theirs. Forgiveness costs nothing. Its accepted everywhere. Pay for space. Don't pay for space. Don't do anything you don't have to. Stab knifes to doors with money. The amount doesn't matter. Principles matter more than money to individuals. Money matters more than principles to everybody else. If you work for money, you don't necessarily have principles. Accuse the victim. Understand what your saying at all times. Be a man. If you cry, then use a Crying Towel. If you need a bath, then use a Mop. If you need to vomit, then use a bathtub. If you don't give a shit, then talk shitty. Don't be a dumbass. Padlock friendships up. Lock yourself out. Shred anything which is written down before reading it. Read everything into the ground. Look at one's eyes instead of their floor. If you tell the truth, someone always listens. If you lie, then they listen more. Always listen more when someone tells the truth. Always lock your Door when you invite someone in. Break Doors when they are wide open. Don't shake and be don't be afraid. Nobody can hurt you. Being depressed and sad all the time is more fucked up when you don't know the reasons why. Face your emotions. Face your emotions when others tell you. If you face something now, its easier to face it in the future. If you say you'll do something for someone, you have to know how they feel before doing it for them. Consequences can be dealt with later. You always have to make sense. If you do something Wrong, admit it. If you do something Wrong, apologize If you do something Wrong, apologize and admit it and explain why you are apologizing. Apologize for apologizing. If you accept apologies, then feel free to apologize for yourself in turn. If you are afraid, then you will have to deal with it immediately. If you are afraid now, then you can deal with it later. If you cannot accept apologies, then Fuck You. If you do not accept apologies from a Person, then you are saying to that Person "Fuck You." Screaming is a way to make someone understand what you are saying. If you do not make sense to others, then you will be punished. If you are temporarily confused, then you have a permanent problem. If you say you love someone, you must always love them, no matter what. If you say your someone's friend, you must always be friends with them. Knowing when to leave is the beginning of leaving somewhere else. There are no time limits. If you need time to heal, you allow more time to bleed. Sometimes you always bleed. Sometimes you always heal. You must know whether you will heal or bleed, so you can put others at ease. Compassion needs time, Truth does not. There are many wrong people who know some truth. There are many unhealed people who know nothing. If you say you need more time to heal, your true to yourself, but you've lied to others. Unless you change by yourself, nobody can change you. Unless you change, nobody will love you. If you stay the same, you will owe nothing. Friendship is like Love: You can decide immediately if your in Love or not. Life goes on. What you feel about someone is irrelevant, even if you feel something for them forever. Landlords are a big problem. Getting shitfaced solves a lot of problems. Taking responsibility sucks. People can think differently but feel the same. If you hate your friend, then he's not your friend. To say you "love your friend" is a redundant statement. If you love someone, they are either a lover or a friend. If you hate someone, then they are neither. Don't care about anything which can hurt you. Closure equals Peace. Closure equals "The Right Thing to Do." If you do the "Right Thing", then you are Right. Being afraid the way someone talks to you is equal to being afraid that they will physically hurt you. Being afraid is too emotional and should be handled by hiding. Being afraid should be handled by talking about your fears. Never having friends is totally unacceptable. Blowing off friends is punishment for being yourself. Money should always be paid back. Learning should be paid for. Learning should be paid for only with money. If you don't have money, then you don't have to pay. If you don't have money, then you don't have to pay with money. Some people work for no money. Some people work. Then they get paid money. People will view you the way they want to, not when you are totally visible. Being viewed as an individual is contrary to being viewed as a friend. Consequences are a sign of severe neurosis only when you start to worry about bad consequences. What you mean is how you say it. If you can't say anything, you don't mean anything. Death is a formal negation of life. If you love death, you cannot be considered among the living. If you cannot be considered among the living, you are weird. Weird people are funny dumbasses. If you have emotions, you'll have to suppress them. If you have emotions, you'll have to express them. If you express yourself, you have to explain yourself. If nobody understands your explanation, you cannot be considered a real man. If you cannot be considered a real man, then your a dumbass. Dumbasses don't know what they're talking about. Nobody wants to be friends with a dumbass, unless they stop being one. A good dumbass is one who understands and can deal with their emotions. Some people may even think they're not a dumbass anymore. Some people will accept a dumbass apology. You don't have to be a dumbass to apologize. Good people apologize, too. A dumb dumbass is one who can't understand someone apologizing. They're a basic dumbass. A classic dumbass is one who is a basic dumbass who lost all his friends, not just one. A higher form of dumbass is a classic dumbass who loved all his friends but none of his friends knew this. A godly dumbass lives for what he believes in over anything. A dead dumbass just lives with it. Sincerely, Too Little , Too Late, Too Bad. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-MAY-1998 20:14:57 Subj: "more of her written voices" #516 of 519 POETRY Date: 2-APR-1998 21:08 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: more of her written voices He sucked you whole and rolled your bod', and when you held him, his face was gone. The night twirled like squids in some steaming pool, slipping his lips down your hips, pressed to feel your breathing heart near, as you rocked and crumbled over in bed with him, body-weight stumbles of going again-- a holographic duel between saint and sin, as you felt the swarms of your bod' givin in to incessant waves of organic strokes which made you go and come from him, holding your breath and swallowing hard more was still flowing for sowewhere inside, yet far - reeling lite-heavy from bouts of the night, things got slippery though your grip was still tight, grabbing elsewhere, for time was to tell that your spit-jumps of lust that you barbeque-grilled came from a heavenly hell that sensed your flush tempo and stuffed your every yell for him to go further, if further was still deep, and have him say love things when drifting to sleep, and holding him now, you began quaking from your legs up your back -- while he began shaking -- and hours were days which lasted for seconds while you jetted steam and he kissed your scene, loversome-aches mushed you together, a honeycomb buzz of sticky bathers, and you quenched your breathing in spots, which receded, and he laid with you till morning, but got up much later. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-MAY-1998 00:12:37 Subj: Re: Macintosh for $ALE #122 of 128 GENERAL Date: 19-MAY-1998 19:36 Expires: 16-JUN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Macintosh for $ALE ->-> ->->(By the way, a Compbabble folder exists for this sort of discussion...) -> -> Summer rules-- all conversations go into GENERAL. c:\my_time\trash.can From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-MAY-1998 00:14:04 Subj: Re: Alumni Party #126 of 128 GENERAL Date: 19-MAY-1998 19:44 Expires: 16-JUN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Alumni Party ->And where were Pat and Bagel? blew it off. I was looking at my wall until depression sunk in. Fell asleep, knocked over clock. dreamed of a normal death. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-MAY-1998 00:14:40 Subj: Re: So now that the dummies are gone... #127 of 128 GENERAL Date: 19-MAY-1998 19:52 Expires: 16-JUN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: So now that the dummies are gone... -> Who's going to be around this summer? -> And more importantly, who's going to be playing frisbee with us? -> Post here so we can take attendance... Slothmoor Hinklefuss. Janice Bureaucroth. Millet Poppicette. Longarm Milkpuff. Meg Durasore. Ryan Sleffput. Fergie Ulswornfad. Ed Fender. Dirk Pillpoor. Fictional Dissection. Leftover Toemars. Mrs. Neighborly Confusion. Formerly Revived Embryo Gay Illusion. Snockshort Hanklegerm. Corny Lateral Graduate. Textual Tottlesnore. Lobbed Octopod. Uncertainly offline. Burgeroaf. Wadbar. Leggo Smathmouth. Coughup Hyannis. Eggy Underdrawers. Putty Mobilelump From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-MAY-1998 00:18:44 Subj: Re: New Improved 38 Clifton Street #95 of 95 38_CLIFTON Date: 19-MAY-1998 20:05 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: New Improved 38 Clifton Street ->38 Clifton street 2nd floor has now added these additional improvments -> ->telephone Four Telephones, 2 Telephone Lines. ->cable tv With no Swiggle Line on top. ->tv Bundled with addicted veiwer. ->super nintendo No unemployed Smiley. ->bagel Extra Babble. ->no smilie More Money. ->clean Stinky clean. ->rent current status Enhanced Landlord communication. ->plenty o toilet paper corporate gifts. ->food in fridge box, bagged and properly stacked and numbered. ->food in cabinets clean, frozen, with no expiration date. ->clean dishes Bagelchores ->empties in appropriate baggage Patty deposits. ->no jeloo biafra sllowed Rendundant entertainment exchanged for TV chores. ->no sucky acoustic guitar playing Donovan, Bob Dylan and The Who lyrics mocked out loud. ->Earth playing on not one but two sound systems -> Wearing plastic apron stuffers over head and mouth area, to catch remaining sheebees frothing through air... ->Thank you for your attention to these matters. -> ->sincerely, -> ->-Platty Slplanky ->0Slock Manwich Short order fry-by-night pibble slorgle blurger thanks cook ->-Order of Systemic Malfunctioning Alumni Pie-n-the-face-of-God Nice Guy Syndome on not getting Laid regularly, Inc & sons (like Jesus& Mary chain) Thank you, slorkysurgeon. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-MAY-1998 00:20:48 Subj: Re: someone please tell me it isn't true #806 of 808 74_FLORENCE Date: 19-MAY-1998 20:07 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: someone please tell me it isn't true ->->Lesley, you of all people might ->->know if this is true or not: ->-> ->->is Robert smith dead? i got email from someone ->->today saying a friend called them last night ->->because they heard he was dead. ->-> ->->say it aint so. -> -> We're all praying it is. One less unhappy clown. More depression for the rest of us to sop up. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 20-MAY-1998 00:22:18 Subj: From Smiley to Ari HAIKU #807 of 808 74_FLORENCE Date: 19-MAY-1998 20:13 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: From Smiley To Ari HAIKU We once were Deadheads. Now we eat Mazo Ball Soup. Opposites collide. From: OLLIE::RMACK1 Date: 23-MAY-1998 04:05:57 Subj: Insatiable delites of froth and morse-encoded conquers Date: Fri, 17 Apr 1998 17:07:02 -0400 From: Christopher Hagelstein To: 1 F R I N K Y , 1 Heather Sims , 1 Kevin Mulligan , 1 slock manwich order cook , 1 The Comma in the Sentence of 1000 Stories , rmack1@clarku.edu, lkatzen@clarku.edu Subject: Insatiable delites of froth and morse-encoded conquers The Stone of Blarney, across from Wendyland burgers, Oil delivery point, and a stone's throw from any major autobody shop, is blarningy her horns: "C'mon home, and get yerself stoned!" There will be crusty stabs of observations, hopeless passions inscribed on tongues speaking, while the staggered-up and coughed-out words caked within our pores fly in the faces of Time and all of her Naked Truths, scattering the bugs hiding in history's anticipation of justice and redemption. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUN-1998 17:59:31 Subj: Re: Macintosh for $ALE #14 of 70 GENERAL Date: 19-MAY-1998 19:36 Expires: 16-JUN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Macintosh for $ALE ->-> ->->(By the way, a Compbabble folder exists for this sort of discussion...) -> -> Summer rules-- all conversations go into GENERAL. c:\my_time\trash.can From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUN-1998 18:00:13 Subj: Re: Moving Sale #15 of 70 GENERAL Date: 19-MAY-1998 19:37 Expires: 16-JUN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Moving Sale ->Bed: Full sized mattress, boxspring and frame $200 ->Table: Wooden kitchen table and four chairs $100 ->Assorted other stuff as well. E-mail me (dbelford) for details. anyone on the bed, still? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUN-1998 18:01:04 Subj: Re: Alumni Party #18 of 71 GENERAL Date: 19-MAY-1998 19:44 Expires: 16-JUN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Alumni Party ->And where were Pat and Bagel? blew it off. I was looking at my wall until depression sunk in. Fell asleep, knocked over clock. dreamed of a normal death. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUN-1998 18:02:14 Subj: Re: So now that the dummies are gone... #19 of 71 GENERAL Date: 19-MAY-1998 19:52 Expires: 16-JUN-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: So now that the dummies are gone... -> Who's going to be around this summer? -> And more importantly, who's going to be playing frisbee with us? -> Post here so we can take attendance... Slothmoor Hinklefuss. Janice Bureaucroth. Millet Poppicette. Longarm Milkpuff. Meg Durasore. Ryan Sleffput. Fergie Ulswornfad. Ed Fender. Dirk Pillpoor. Fictional Dissection. Leftover Toemars. Mrs. Neighborly Confusion. Formerly Revived Embryo Gay Illusion. Snockshort Hanklegerm. Corny Lateral Graduate. Textual Tottlesnore. Lobbed Octopod. Uncertainly offline. Burgeroaf. Wadbar. Leggo Smathmouth. Coughup Hyannis. Eggy Underdrawers. Putty Mobilelump From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUN-1998 18:03:15 Subj: Re: fishing #68 of 71 GENERAL Date: 14-JUN-1998 00:34 Expires: 12-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: fishing ->Anyway, I'm glad someone is enjoying the outdoors besides me! Is the "outdoors" identified as the area beyond one's apartment? please advise. -> ->Tomorrow is my Birthday so everyone wish me happiness. I am going to have a ->party on Sunday at the "Old Timer's" in Clinton Mass; they have a band and a ->c chef who sings. If you can find it your invited.;) Love, Me. I'm afraid your operating under a slight misunderstanding. Although we would like to credit your existence my monitoring your biological age through cultural output ceremonies such as birthdays, or holidays, including derivative time recongiztion zones like Secretary's Day, Aunt Arbor Day, Anti-Political Week, New Jersey Spruce-Up day, and Year 2000 Extinction Day, our objective is to decenter personal recognization days and combine them into once, conveinent Birth Day. Everyone knows President's Day. The Day the Greatest Founders of The United Status of Policy Earth was founded. Your birthday, as well as the birthday of all Unitied states Citizens, have been transferred to President' Day. At exactly 6:00am, everybody wakes up at once, dressed exactly alike in black pants and white shirts. Pails filled with water are brought to the nearest street and poured into the drainage system. Then individuals read off a list of people they know, their birthdays, allocated holidays they've been assigned to, and any special rites or rituals which requires display of symbols, dances, chants, etc. Each individuals is responsible for performing the required "celebration" of the individuals on their list for the entire span of Presidents day. Afterwards, air sirens are sounded at 6pm to indicate the completion of Presidents Day. So, somebody has already been assigned to celebrate your birthday for you, and allow you to function in some other capacity, more useful to the social and economic maintenance of this continent. Whatever happiness necessary to satisfy your spiritual and cultural demands will be fulfilled by Humphrey Taddlecorn of Larmie, Wyoming. Therefore, please contact Mr. Taddlecorn if you have any questions on this matter. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUN-1998 18:04:27 Subj: Re: can it be true? #852 of 852 74_FLORENCE Date: 14-JUN-1998 01:39 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: can it be true? ->It's been 24 hours since I last checked this folder, and there are no new ->messages. ->What's going on, guys? Did some of you get jobs or something? Zack, apparently your information related to the distribution of information here has encountered an inaccurate balance between the basis of reported information, and/or the meaning of its absence. All postings to this folder have been assigned to Presidents Day. Any other postings which appear in this folder are merely random associations between conclusions and unfiltered observations. Postings which are documented on Presidents Day , however, are truely indicative of our individuality and as a social structure representing the eventual allegorical answer to an ever-questioning, undiscovered Wor(l)d. As with any Presidents' Day obligation, instructions are mailed ahead of time to recepients detailing the activies of that day. Therefore, John Pogothrope, of Quincy, Massachusetts has been assigned to enter valid postings to the 74 Florence Street Folder on President's Day. He can be reached at his office during regular business glumpy. Because of his responsibilities in glumpy, ordinary discourse has been denied to unauthorized members of the Clark Population. Please consult your nearest Grand Master Plan (GMP) for details. The brief explaination of this post has been generated by Mr. Pogothrope at Glumpy. 2 drink minimum is required. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-JUN-1998 18:07:07 Subj: Kitty Name Results #101 of 102 38_CLIFTON Date: 14-JUN-1998 00:48 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Kitty Name Results We have a small kitten which we have to determine a naming standard for: The follow names are appropriate for the Kitty: Kitty Kierkiegard Nachos Humphord Smiley Adam Dakota Oedipus Smokey Dumbass Halloran Tork Yeddleson Robert Smith Fallow Trencod Zed Spleck Feg Little Pog Sheebee wolfcorn Zorro Embers Heavenly Luggage What's Up Moose Sock Sliber Pothead Harrison MaGoobies Rex Obie From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 16-JUN-1998 00:01:49 Subj: Re: For Sale. #72 of 73 GENERAL Date: 15-JUN-1998 21:11 Expires: 13-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: For Sale. ->Hi, I want to know how many channels autoscan it has and also if it has out ->of range alert. the purity of substance determines the "scanning". the determination itself defines your "auto". the result is the number of channels you explore. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 16-JUN-1998 00:02:43 Subj: Re: Job #73 of 73 GENERAL Date: 15-JUN-1998 21:37 Expires: 13-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Job ->some balloon/party shop..think it's called Balloons ->Over New England, next to Blarney Stone on Maywood. ->They may be hiring for people to dress up in ->costumes, be a clown at parties, put face make-up ->on kids...just wear something nicer than jeans, ->mention Clark and be enthusiastic. Just an idea. That reminds me that I recently applied at a place called "Fun Plumbers and Corny Bricklayers." When I walked in, this guy in orange nuclear protection costume, put a pail on his head, took out a traffic pylon and some saudering equipment and said, "Have a seat, guy." I said, "I'd like to work with your organization, but I don't have any relevant experience." He said, "Ssssh, look over there." He pointed to industrial ballerinas wearing plaster-of-paris on their faces, tossing a manhole cover back and forth. They were smiling and giggling, bearded, filthy men. One guy with a raw tooth spooked me when he looked at me and said, "I just ordered an olive oil and spiggot pizzaroni, you want some, it has lots of charred on it." I immeidately said, "Pardon me, I'm a Clark Graduate, and I'm somewhat appalled by this office. What in the name of God do you do here,!" My potential boss signaled attention,and the room grew quiet in the forthcoming enlightment: the pailhead said "We are simply infrastructure Plumboy Centerfolds trapped in an archetextual dismembered contract. Would you like to sign my hairy chest." I said to him, while I was leaving, in a whispering anger "God, I wish my income was taxidermic to future currency." The guy said in a huff as i was leaving, saying, in response "How can you judge your future value when your storytelling reverses your endings?" "Let me try to gain testimony to your evidence what I finish with your scrip, ok, Mr. Contractor." He said, in a final goodbye, "When you find your Soul, give me a call, Son, we can use a gravestone for our Masonary Cherry Vegas Club, okay." Dumbass. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-JUN-1998 02:21:11 Subj: Re: can it be true? #859 of 862 74_FLORENCE Date: 17-JUN-1998 00:22 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: can it be true? ->->oops, sorry about the previous post. at the time i thought i was funny but i ->->looked at it just now and it seemed just an angry post. -> -> C'mon, Steve, love's never having to say you're sorry. COMMON MISTAKES OF A NEUROTIC: 1. Guilt is an act of a civilized man. 2. Friendship is relational, not individual. 3. Admission of sorrow is degenerative libido. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JUN-1998 23:21:10 Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email -> Love is not a kind of death and never is or will be, no matter how bad the -> -> The shopping list model does, of course have some merits-- but only, I ->maintain, later in the relationship. It can be used when deciding between ->romantic prospects whom you get along equally with. It can be a help if you're ->in a relationship and the person asks how they can improve themselves. But in ->terms of beginning a relationship anew, whether romantically or not, look for ->how you get along, not how many 'perfect' traits you think the person has. Well, yeah, I guess any psychologist would agree with you, yet the whole idea about romance is its mystery/privacy, even anonomity. The character traits you are eluding to appear to be deciding if you could "live in the same space" as your romantic other. You could potentially square off all personality/social traits which put each party at ease, but then there the forming of that romance into a relationship. Is there anyone who can give me how romance survives in a relationship? -> Which brings me to my last idea. Where do we all stand on the idea of judging ->a person on their so-called personality, as opposed to judging them by how ->they make you feel when you interact? Hm, are you saying that one should not judge one's character and judge them on how they make you feel when you interact with them? This seems to contradict what you were saying previously about "the bottom line...is the person trustworthy...will we know where they are...will they act reasonable, etc." I'm sure many people get the opportunity to date a known player/alcholic/drug-doodie/what have you, because they feel good being around them. Others who have some objective view of the situtation , as opposed to the person who ignores the fundamental personality , may point out their ultimate demise (unless that person is of the same type), but I don't think its a matter of "harming to the people around you", as you state below, but more a mtter fo being deluded into believing that you want to be with this person, while also ignoring the obvious personality-defects which would cause one to activiate the blow-off button. And its not only this, but irregular/quasi-neurotic tendancies, Wasp-sterotypes, etc. There's many women I have been attracted to on a "how they've made me feel basis", but their Western-civilized adherence and sterilized ideas about love and emotion (platonic), caused an immediate spiritual revulsion. The ultimate deciding question that I raised was based upon a shared value system, pretty vauge albeit, but only because if you get too rational about purity you ruin the individual taste for the romance at hand. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JUN-1998 23:23:20 Subj: Re: Not yourself #112 of 112 38_CLIFTON Date: 23-JUN-1998 21:51 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Not yourself ->Why is it that people talk incessantly about themselves and their problems? ->Are they really that interesting? ->And why do people listen to them? Or are we all just talking to ourselves ->waiting for a silent moment to fill? People talk to themselves in front of each other because it would be really weird for people to simply talk to themselves without someone there to absorb the time spent listening to what their saying. Further, one man's conversation is another man's ultimate sleeping pill. Women are slightly more intersting to listen to because the phrase "woman's perspective" holds some authority. I find men of all creed, tone, wealth, weight, height and width to be terrible boring, like a parasite which lives off the host of cultural, dialect and mass-collective-opinon of the group. There is so many topics NOT to talk about, so many things I don't care about, it usually takes me until the end of the day to determine the cause of my grogginess, nihilism and ennui. Still, there is no way around it. If you want to hang out, what's the first thing you do? You got to talk. If you got a load full of charley in the group willy-wonking about, then maybe things improve a little; so what if you got some wacko flogging his verbal jism into the bird-mouths of attention deficent members. Maybe you got some hot babe dressed all in Come-n-Get-It, enough to make Ol' Grandpa Pie curl a little pretzel stick down yonder, if you catch my drift. These events make spark awareness, but not necessarily inteest. The hit show, Slimefeld, tried to make the mundane look paranormal, but essentially, the audience gets the picture eventually. The show was essentially about cerebral deconstructionists dressed up as characteritures. I felt like sometimes I was watching The Lil' Rascals of the Poltical-Media Suave. Same show, different textchit. The only saving grace about Slombfeld is that the writer said: "Lets make a joke here, but if its not funny, its okay, because that's the point, and people will laugh, because not funny is stupid, which is funny." The problem is this. Culture, Time, clocks, Pictures, Books, People, Schedules, Theories. I'm not a doctorate in Fancy Literature or Sublime Civilization, but the originality of spiritualism and rituals, costumes, singing, acting are cited as toys, cartoons, freakish. Our society is so synthetically-correct, imbibed with such anti-historical egotemporalism, that it contemplates its origions to the present with disrespect. We are all little boys and girls with a big playground and expensive equipment that our words and images become mere transmissions rather than engaging experiences. The internet tries to compensate for this by turning the metaphor of transmission inside-out, by hoping to give a more enriching form of communication. But, come on, its sort of like saying, "now you can get a dozen 16 item donuts, " or "a 20-beer six-pack", your taking a known medium and merely squeezing in communication-quantity, hoping form some form of alternative quality. Someone's got to write a story on this ultimate conspiracy. Are you still awake? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JUN-1998 23:24:57 Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email #44 of 82 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 19-JUN-1998 01:56 Expires: 17-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email ->->->->->-> Missed relationships suck too. ->->->->-> ->->->->->Randy, seeing as how I know who you're talking about, I can tell you ->->->->->that it wouldnt have worked out. ->->->-> ->->->-> No shit it wouldn't have worked out. But occasionally it would be ->->->->nice to test these theories in a non-hypothetical way... ->->-> ->->->What, so individuals can experience tangible regrets? ->-> ->-> I don't regret. But tangible pain and suffering, yes. -> ->Not to be annoying or anything, but it seems to me that lamenting missed ->opportunities is regret. In fact, if you missed an opportunity, my theory is that you never were 'really' interested it that opportunity to begin with. This is a negative-space form of suffering; is'nt it strange to feel pain over something "in the past" when in all respects, its logically inefficent, and, therefore, disposable. Suffering is the sewage of a romantic built without drainage systems. Admittedly a mild form of regret, but still you are ->regreting something, you are regrretting what you didn't do, not what you did ->do. This statement is accurate. But apparently Randy has some type of "tangible" evidence. Maybe he did something. Personally I don't now regret, I try to live my life so that there isn't ->anything to regret. If you don't regret, you cannot apologize to yourself. Therefore, you come to accept yourself as you are. Apologies are the placebo given to civil-minded citizens to sustain their unreality. I'm not saying that there's nothing to feel regretful of or for. Just keep it to yourself; apologizing to yourself or to others rarely holds any personal merit, unless you really made some bonehead comment or disrespected someone in the heat of emotion. That and as far as I can tell there are no relationships ->at this age that will just work out or even ever. There is a point in each person's life that the further away you travel from some desired object, your understanding of that object is defined by its physical/emotional distance rather than its meaning to you. Your observation is pure extract from the contanimation that bitter, unfulfilled relationships have upon us. Yet, the real poison of this extract interacts with the instinctive fear of being alone. This creates all types of dillusions, notably, that an objective view of ourselves is possible. (a form of extraction itself). Relationships take work ->inorder to work out and that doesn't change if you are perfect for eachother ->or completly wrong for eachother. My step-mother used to tell me that it in relationships, "two halfs don't make a whole." The reason I like this is that the "halfs" merely imply you have to be a "complete" person; it doesn't qualify what type of person ou are. Its possible for two people who are entirely bitter to succed in being in a relationship together (my grandfolks), because each piece was completely developed before merging. An honest introspective appraisal, like a walk or lying in bed, without any value judgments is necessary before engaging in a relationship or the act of constant sexual intimacy. You can hug someone or slap them on the back without damaging the delicate membrane between anima and animus, but being truthful with someone your falling in love with or repelled by their existence should be revealed. And it should be passionately expressed if you feel very deeply about it. One of my regrets is not the things that I missed, but how I never shared my feelings with other, both bad and good. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JUN-1998 23:27:17 Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email #49 of 82 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 19-JUN-1998 03:10 Expires: 17-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email ->I don't understand this whole death thing. You don't change in death, you ->change in life. Death is the final stage of a particular life and the most ->constant state. you are very simply dead. No more breathing, no more ->thinking, nothing. How an you equate experiencing strong emotion with ->that?See, I don't think that parts of people can "die", I firmly beleive that ->people just change. And even those changes don't represent constancy.It seems ->to me that if people were ready to move on with life, they wouldn't be thiking ->that they were dying, they would be very excited. You ovisoulsy see too much reality rather than searching for it. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JUN-1998 23:29:16 Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email #45 of 82 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 19-JUN-1998 02:42 Expires: 17-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email ->-> Missed relationships suck too. -> ->Not to be too picky, but I will anyway, isn't it kind of impossble to miss ->something that was never there? Old timers say "honesty is the best policy." But, any smarty-pants knows that the teachings of old-timers have to be re-thought in a different manner; they have to be sold short in the future and bought in the presence to extract the temporary mis-pricing which influences textual markets. For example, right now, I'm supposed to "buy" the truth that "honesty", the essential truth of your point of view is present. Yes, O'bri, if something was never there, you have to be honest and contemplate the emptyness and isolation your experiencing. I don't mean "you." I mean any general person "you." I mean "me" actually, but not "me" as though I'm like anyone else. Anyway, there is another "truth" a duel truth which contradicts the value of the answer we encounter. Most importantly, the most intangible regret is the one where one pervents the release of their feelings towards the other. Maybe Randy in his post was referring to the fact he didn't say or do something that he instinctive knew the other person wanted to hear (and if there is some evidence in the future of these posts that I'm unware, since I never read ahead as I browse foldes). So, it was a "lost" opportunity because it was germenating, but somehow, uprooted. And to assuage the guilt, its termed as "loss" when the responsibility can be SIMPLY assigned. Therefore, getting back to my market ananology, mystics are really market makers that sell the truth in the future, and take an opposite position in reality markets, buying when truth has been devalued, and selling short when that truth returns to fair value decades later. You questions is SIMPLY an apparent socialist opinion that capitalism cannot be applied to psychological commodities. That's completely inaccurate, and grounds for immediate revocation of TV privileges like Mad About You, Conan Show, David Letterman . -> Wouldn't it be better to say lost ->opportunities suck and post it in a different folder? Seemingly, you've uncovered the oxymoron prevading here. Is a lost opportunity ever lost? Or should we clarify the meaning of opportunity? In terms of relationships, perception is ambigious, inner emotions are in termoil, and sexy bodies react unprediciably when confronted with renewed hope of a relationship. The apparently absence of a relationship in any span of time is SIMPLY incubation of one forming years later. In many respects, I've heard distance strenghens relationships, yet if you truely used to sing harmony and get gibberishly happy about getting a grrlfriend or guyfriend to hang out with, kiss in the parking lot or take to the museum, then I can see that not doing this lessens the chance for being relationship-intimacy. Yet I'm not as able to be discredit is ability; merely, its emotional risk cannot be hedge easily. ->Or maybe, just maybe, wouldn't it be better to retire all relationships and ->stay in your room staring at inanimate objects or building structures? Well, a room is the ultimate metaphor. Just look around an apartment or house and observe its elements: rooms, windows, doors, even toilets. How many times have these SIMPLY items been used in poems, tractus, meetings and political ice-creamers? Its probably not advisable to undertake the viewpoint that one should experience their imprisoned souls in the tactile presence of four walls, yet there are a lot of things other than relationships that should be retired and put away. In otherwords, "I had a fight and the walls won. I admit DEFEAT!". From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JUN-1998 23:31:50 Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email #56 of 82 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 21-JUN-1998 11:03 Expires: 19-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email ->->would ahve seen it as simply moving on. I was it as the death of something ->->and the birth of something else. It is simply two different ways of looking ->->at things. So different veiws of the world create different opinions. Taht -> ->defense mechanisms, from your beliefs *permanently*. ->Chances are that a piece of everything you ever were remains with you for an ->entire lifetime and, given the proper stimuli, could be revived. Seepak Chopka (current Indian Philsopher) contends that there is spiritual matter that floats around for millions of years which we breath and mix in historical cosmic soup. Matter never dies; its form is recycled again and again into new matter. Therefore, possibly, we're apart of all that came bevoure (before==> devour===>bevoure)#/most of this dumbassinatores "cycle"/heideggar/hegel) ->I don't kow why someone would want to do that, but I think it is possible. ->See, I think the core of "who you are" is hardwired, and it's only behavior ->patterns that change. They aren't substantial enough to "die". I think the core "of who you are" cannot be defined by these means; simply put, "Who you are" = "Want you want to be", because your beliefs are more "defining" that the organic day-to-day being. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JUN-1998 23:33:25 Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email #57 of 82 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 21-JUN-1998 11:29 Expires: 19-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Just found a whole conversation in my old email ->You know I've been thinking about relationship too. It's hard to talk about ->relationships. It's a topic which has been subject of attack under the most ->intensive analytical scrutiny and it has created the grandest form of self ->delusion. So what the fuck? Relationships have been mixed with some quasi-guarantee of values which usually should be individual values; believing in yourself than someone else, knowing who you are first as opposed to someone else. These things are important to grow yourself; once you've reached a point of saturation (that "something is missing in my life", feeling) some people then get into serious relationships. Some people need the aspect of a relationship to learn about themselves, (where some people "feel used" ) comes into play. Anything intanglibe mixed with physical form is bound be a succumb to the entire spectrum of illusion. To say "what the fuck?" is mere dulled fascination with the process. ->It is a form of gamble that people have little to lose and conceptually can ->win big. Basically it's a device that people use to tranlate their most ->primitive desire into the most glorified nonsense known to humanity. I think your pushing the envelope into competitive eros. Love has no winners nor losers; only shades of desire permeating through all aspects of ones life, people or otherwise. Your basically alluding to the pressue of enduring the trust in a relationships; the hypothetical what-ifs, even your own hidden desires. Generally, if you like making out and kissing, and walking around, and then you don't see each other for a while, then it happens again, then you've been involved in two different relationshiips, not one. Any old-timer would be saying "do it before time is lost", but even this statement, although true, forces an element of stress that one must "do " something. The statment is true, but wholly inappropriate for engaging affection between slackers of love. ->It's the most effectve way to deprive a man from his sense of ->reality. Both sides contribute to the pot tons of sweetened lies and spiced ->dressings and each person makes it a lifestyle out of consuming them. People ->talks about soul mate, well if there is a soul then what's the point of mate? Essentially, the phrase comes "do not seek, and you shall find." comes into eros-cannitextosterone (/#cannibal/#text/#testosterone), a phrase which seeks to exhume the corpse of romantic roadkill and tenderize them with historical example. A soulmate comes along when you are not looking for one, it "just happens". As corny as this seems, true love is real, but brief, unless the you can distance yourself from its attraction while maining your sanity, simultaneously. Im more privy just to have a lady to horse around, go to the playground, and go swimming. If I have can't stop havving fun, then probably this chick is my "soulmate," but in all due respect, I think soulmates take on some type of top-heavy spiritual quality, which, as mentioned above, mixing a gingerbell-ogre cocktail with vodka and sloggo-relish will create one hell of a neanderthalolic hangover. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JUN-1998 23:35:41 Subj: Re: On Death #58 of 82 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 21-JUN-1998 11:35 Expires: 19-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: On Death ->I have the feeling that we are arguing semantics here. Rachel, Dave, ->DH, and I do not view death as the absolute end, teh cosmic off switch. ->Death is the ending of a particular way of being, but does not imply ->nullification. In a literal example, a dead animal is not deviod ->of life or removed from existance. It continues to effect it's ->environment, only is a modified, less direct manner. "Dead" ->aspects of one's personality can be viewed in the same manner. ->While parts of Rachel died last summer, they were not eliminated ->from her being but changed and allowed to assume a more passive ->role in her "person". For the other sides' sake, I think what is being present is that one side does not like Death being used in its literary definition of change, and the literary side is offended by Death being viewed as some biological lightswitch. All that can be unveiled is that some people when they die need to "feel the truth" in order to be a peace before dying. Maybe this is analogous to "living a full life." Some others need to "feel death" on an almost absolute way to purge the elements related to that feeling out so they may resume life. I think this might have been related to the observeration that above. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 23-JUN-1998 23:38:13 Subj: Re: A moment of Zen #60 of 82 RELATIONSHIPS-SUCK Date: 21-JUN-1998 12:00 Expires: 19-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: A moment of Zen ->->Old pond, ->-> frog jumps in- ->-> plop. ->-> ->-> ->->-Basho -> ->very funny, let's head to the mountains and talk it over. From Chinese ->folklore zen's highest stage is supposedly the achievement of the elimination ->of all identifiers and the advancing into a stage of harmonic wisdom. You ->don't inquire, you already know (kinda like me with relationships or IDRISI ->with hovercrafts). So A true zen artist would not even write down anything,also. Yet, there would never be an achievement. That implies some conquest, which is inconsistent with harmony. Doesn't the T'ai Chi teach channeling your enemies energy into a weapon you can use on your enemy? Harmony itself is wisedom. But you can never teach wisedom; only harmony. Its very exciting to me to feel the zen, because the zen is resourceful; it takes everything from the void, and never returns. You have to be extremely careful when you feel the zen: ladders turn to liquid; hammers turn to nails; the opposite becomes itself. I'd like to draw a flow chart of Heiddergar's BEING AND TIME and The Tao. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JUL-1998 11:45:43 Subj: Re: NERDINESS TEST-- please post your score! #883 of 907 74_FLORENCE Date: 24-JUN-1998 23:19 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: NERDINESS TEST-- please post your score! ->*****************SECTION 1: education and knowledge********************* -> ->1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus) no ->2. ..........at the college level? no ->3. ..........and received an A (3.7 grade point)? n/a ->4. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry) no ->5. .....at the college level? no ->6. .....and received an A (3.7 grade point)? n/a ->7. Are you still capable of doing things you learned in the ->"higher" math course? n/a ->8. Do you still know information you learned in the science course? n/a ->9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering, ->physics, chemistry, exclude psychology, economics, etc.) no ->10. Have you ever taken Latin? no ->11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture? no ->12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture? no ->13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture? no ->14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question? yes ->15. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time? no ->16. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"? yes ->17. Do you take notes in more than one color? yes ->18. Have you ever tutored someone elsenow the right-hand-rule for ->cross-products? no ->19. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night? no ->20. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? no -> ->DO YOU KNOW... no ->21. ........BASIC? yes ->22. ........PASCAL? no ->23. ........FORTRAN? no ->24. ........assembly language? no ->25. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10) yes ->26. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20) no ->27. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form) no ->28. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation? no ->29. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation? no ->30. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products? no ->31. Do you know the Latin name (genus and species) for anything? -> ->The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any ->that you can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge of ->the units attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion. -> ->32. gravitational constant? (G) no ->33. earth's gravity? (g) no ->34. mass of an electron? no ->35. charge of an electron? yes (postive/negative?) ->36. speed of light? yes (e=mc(sq)?) ->37. planck's constant? (h or h-bar) no ->38. permitivity of free space? (epsilon naught) no ->39. permeability of free space? (mu naught) no ->40. Avogadro's number? no ->41. molar gas constant? no ->42. pi? (exception: more than 5 digits for a true answer) no (3.14) ->43. e? (exception: more than 5 digits for a true answer) no ->Can you give the conversion factor between...(2 or more sig. digits) ->44. ...centimeters and inches? no ->45. ...kilometers and miles? no ->46. ...joules and electron-volts? no ->47. ...atomic mass units and kilograms? no ->48. ...celsius and kelvin? no ->50. Can you briefly outline the biological processes that occur due ->to alcohol? no ->51. ...while drunk? yes ->52. Have you ever interpolated? no ->53. Have you ever extrapolated? no ->54. Do you know the difference between interpolation and extrapolation? no ->55. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"? no ->56. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.? no ->57. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"? no ->58. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"? no ->Which of the following acronyms do you know the meaning of... ->59. ...RADAR? no ->60. ...MODEM? no ->61. ...DNA? no ->62. ...ATP? yes (Asynchronous Transfer Protocol?) ->63. ...NADP? no ->64. ...CRT? no ->65. ...CRC? no ->66. ...NORAD? no ->67. ...NASA? yes (National Association of Space and Aeronautics?) ->68. ...LED? (see question 56) no ->69. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing? yes -> ->SECTION 2: lifestyle and possessions -> ->70. Have you ever used a computer? yes ->71. .....for more than 4 hours continuously? yes ->72. .....for more than 8 hours continuously? yes ->73. .....past 4 a.m.? yes ->74 .....on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend? yes ->75. .....with someone you were physically attracted toward? yes ->76. .....for money? yes ->77. .....as a source of entertainment? (computer game) no ->78. .....in the last three months? yes ->79. .....in the last three weeks? yes ->80. Have you ever programmed a computer? yes ->81. .....to write a computer game? no ->82. .....to write a computer virus? no ->83. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k RAM? no ->84. Have you ever used a modem? yes ->85. .....to gain access to a system you had no authorization on? no ->86. .....to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD) no ->87. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day in the last week? yes ->88. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.: A&E, Discovery, Channel) no ->89. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary? yes ->90. ..........in the last three? no ->91. Have you ever watched Dr. Who? no ->92. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes? no -> ->Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to... ->93. ...Gilligan's Island? yes ->94. ...Flintstones? yes ->95. ...The Brady Bunch? yes ->96. ...The Jetson's? yes ->97. ...The Addam's Family? no ->98. ...Dobbie Gillis? no ->99. ...I Dream of Genie? no ->100. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty Python? no ->101. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D) no ->102. ..........since leaving high school? n/a ->103. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies? yes ->104. ..........in one 24 hour period? no ->105. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films? no ->106. ..........in one 30 hour period? n/a ->107. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears? no ->Have you ever read anything by... ->108. ...Douglas Adams? no ->109. ...Isaac Asimov? yes ->110. ...Robert H. Heinlein? no ->111. ...Piers Anthony? no ->112. ...J.R.R. Tolkein? no ->113. ...TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people) no ->114. Have you ever read -Innumeracy-? no ->115. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy-? no ->116. Do you own an encyclopedia? no ->117. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching? no ->118. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's) no ->119. Do you own an atlas? no ->120. Do you own a globe? no ->121. .....and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf...) n/a ->122. .....that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges? n/a ->123. Have you ever used a chemistry set? yes ->124. .....since the age of 13? no ->125. Have you ever used a rare earth element? no ->126. Have you ever dissected something? yes ->127. .....while not involved in a biology class? no ->128. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack? yes ->129. Have you ever used an oscilloscope? no ->130. Have you ever used a microscope? yes ->131. Have you ever used a telescope? no ->132. Do you own a voltmeter? no ->133. Do you own any remote controlled vehicals? no ->134. Can you program the time on a VCR? no ->135. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment? no ->136. Have you ever faxed something? yes ->137. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone) no ->138. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable) no ->139. Do you have a slide rule? no ->140. .....and know how to use it? n/a ->141. Do you own a pencil case? no ->142. Do you own a mechanical pencil? no ->143. .....and have refills for it? n/a ->144. Do you own a laboratory notebook? no ->145. Do you own any graph paper? (quadruled) no ->146. Do you own any log or semi-log paper? no ->147. Do you own a table of integrals? no ->148. Do you play chess? no ->149. Were you ever on a chess team? no ->150. Were you ever on a math team? no ->151. Were you ever on a debate team? no ->152. Did you ever try out for a "trivia team"? (college bowl, JEOPARDY) no ->153. Were you ever in a science fair? no ->154. .....that you plther people are around? n/a ->155. Have you ever made a technical joke? yes ->156. .....that no one around you understood? yes ->157. .....that everyone around you understood? no ->158. Do you own a slinky? no ->159 Have you ever analyzed a slinky physically? no ->160. Do you own a Rubik's cube? no ->161. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube? no ->162. .....without using the book? n/a ->SECTION 3: clothing and personality -> ->164. Do both of your socks match? n/a ->165. Do you own a digital watch? yes ->166. .....that plays music? no ->167. .....that's currently set to chime on the hour? no ->168. .....that has a calculator built in? yes ->169. Do you have acne? no ->170. Do you have greasy hair? n/a ->171. .....without realizing it? n/a ->172. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on ->it? (t-shirts with Maxwell's equations) no ->173. Are your pants too short? no ->174. Is your outfit coordinated? (have someone else evaluate this) no ->175. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails ->hanging out? yes ->176. Are you socially inept? yes ->177. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names? yes ->178. .....but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#, address) no ->179. Are you taking this test alone? yes ->180. Did you NOT go to your Senior Prom? no ->181. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom? no ->182. Do you talk to yourself? yes ->183. .....when other people are around? yes ->184. Do you talk to imaginary people? yes ->185. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book? yes ->186. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existance of God? yes ->187. .....while not drunk? yes ->188. .....while alone? yes ->189. Do you wear glasses? yes ->190. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye) no ->191. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye) no ->192. Are you legally blind? (in either eye) no ->193. Do you own a pocket protector? no ->194. .....and are wearing it? n/a ->195. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal? no ->196. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT? no ->197. Is your IQ greater than your weight? no ->198. Is your purity test score higher than your nerdity test score? yes ->199. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on ->this test? no ->200. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test? -> yes From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JUL-1998 11:50:07 Subj: Re: Not yourself #112 of 126 38_CLIFTON Date: 23-JUN-1998 21:51 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Not yourself ->Why is it that people talk incessantly about themselves and their problems? ->Are they really that interesting? ->And why do people listen to them? Or are we all just talking to ourselves ->waiting for a silent moment to fill? People talk to themselves in front of each other because it would be really weird for people to simply talk to themselves without someone there to absorb the time spent listening to what their saying. Further, one man's conversation is another man's ultimate sleeping pill. Women are slightly more intersting to listen to because the phrase "woman's perspective" holds some authority. I find men of all creed, tone, wealth, weight, height and width to be terrible boring, like a parasite which lives off the host of cultural, dialect and mass-collective-opinon of the group. There is so many topics NOT to talk about, so many things I don't care about, it usually takes me until the end of the day to determine the cause of my grogginess, nihilism and ennui. Still, there is no way around it. If you want to hang out, what's the first thing you do? You got to talk. If you got a load full of charley in the group willy-wonking about, then maybe things improve a little; so what if you got some wacko flogging his verbal jism into the bird-mouths of attention deficent members. Maybe you got some hot babe dressed all in Come-n-Get-It, enough to make Ol' Grandpa Pie curl a little pretzel stick down yonder, if you catch my drift. These events make spark awareness, but not necessarily inteest. The hit show, Slimefeld, tried to make the mundane look paranormal, but essentially, the audience gets the picture eventually. The show was essentially about cerebral deconstructionists dressed up as characteritures. I felt like sometimes I was watching The Lil' Rascals of the Poltical-Media Suave. Same show, different textchit. The only saving grace about Slombfeld is that the writer said: "Lets make a joke here, but if its not funny, its okay, because that's the point, and people will laugh, because not funny is stupid, which is funny." The problem is this. Culture, Time, clocks, Pictures, Books, People, Schedules, Theories. I'm not a doctorate in Fancy Literature or Sublime Civilization, but the originality of spiritualism and rituals, costumes, singing, acting are cited as toys, cartoons, freakish. Our society is so synthetically-correct, imbibed with such anti-historical egotemporalism, that it contemplates its origions to the present with disrespect. We are all little boys and girls with a big playground and expensive equipment that our words and images become mere transmissions rather than engaging experiences. The internet tries to compensate for this by turning the metaphor of transmission inside-out, by hoping to give a more enriching form of communication. But, come on, its sort of like saying, "now you can get a dozen 16 item donuts, " or "a 20-beer six-pack", your taking a known medium and merely squeezing in communication-quantity, hoping form some form of alternative quality. Someone's got to write a story on this ultimate conspiracy. Are you still awake? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JUL-1998 11:51:26 Subj: Betty's Walk Home #113 of 126 38_CLIFTON Date: 25-JUN-1998 01:28 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Betty's Walk Home Betty Hopple held a Masters of Science from the MIT. She often visted Worcester to conduct research and spend time with her nature group, and the pet club she belonged to. One summer day, Betty was having long, slow, vegetarian dinner in the company of regular politcal activists who belonged to an organization entited , simply, "This Way to Peace." All during their conversation, they used their turn to talk under a timer-clock. When the red light came on, it signaled that it was someone else's turn to talk. Barry Turnover, a helpful host, suggested that the members of "This Way to Peace" use this method of conversation so that each person has an equal turn to share their opinion. So far during their meal, it was working, except when it came to Betty's turn. Betty was known for sometimes getting a little too excited when she wanted to share something she believed in. While it was her turn to talk, a piece of Yoba Leaf got stuck in her throat when she began talking excitedly about starting a kindergarden farm for young cats and dogs, so they could become mature pets. When the red light came on, her time was up, but she still was reciting the benefits of her idea to the group. Turnover and his members became disgusted. He said "Betty, you went over your alloted time." Apolgetically, she said, "It wont happen again, I was in the middle of eating." Turnover sneered, "No execuses. You know the rules." Betty: "I understand, I'll go home." One of the rules of "This Way to Peace", is that if the red light went on, and you were still talking, you were discharged from the meeting. Betty put on her sweater and glasses, drank her glass of water, and rose from table. Martha Babson, a fellow school chum of Betty's who also was at the meeting was present. Betty asked Martha: "Would you want to walk with me?" Martha thought that Betty was humilated by the experience of being ejected from the meeting, and consented to join her friend on a walk. Permission for Martha leaving the table was granted as well. As the two women left, they walked down Little Frog street and looked at some of the ribbets which were mixed with cement when the street was made back in the wacky 1960's. Betty smiled at Martha's jokes about Little Frog street , and gradually seemed less gloomy. They had been walking for a while. Martha then had stated: "Betty dearest, I have to go back to the meeting." "Oh, will you walk with me further?" "How much further?" "Back to my apartment. okay" "Okay." As Martha walked with Betty, Betty was swaying back and forth, sometimes bumping into Martha. Sometimes Betty exclaimed "Isn't it a beautiful summer evening?" and looked at the stars. Martha affirmed her observation, yet thought it lacked any substance. Her purpose was now just to get Betty back home and get back to "The Way To Peace" as soon as possible. Betty asked Martha: "Will you look at my hand?" "Why? What's wrong with it?" "I don't know, " Betty said. Martha picked up Betty's hand and looked at it, and looked at the fingers and palm area. Betty then suddenly grasped Martha's hand and held it. "what are you doing, Betty?" "Lets walk together now." "You want to hold my hand?" Martha confusedly asked? "yes, lets walk hand in hand, shall we?" Martha groaned, but held Betty's hand while they took a left off of Little Frog street into Patty Coke Lane. Betty said "Oh, goodie, I think I see lightening bugs. Look!" But Martha said "Uh, those are just car headlights in that parking lot." As they walked together, holding hands, they passed by a Foghart Farms convienence story, which sold trinkets, itemware and hopeful choice simpletools. They also had soft snack food and fresh Poco pudding. Poco was an herb which grew in mass quantities in rain forest deforestration projects, and corporation took the forest's gift, Poco, sold the herb's pudding, and donated the proceeds to charity (after a service-fee transaction was subtracted). Betty said, "Oh, martha, they have Poco pudding. Lets go have a cup". Martha said, "Okay, but lets make it quick." They went into the store and Betty began walking down the aisles looking at all the stuffed animals and ballons, all the while holding Martha's hand. "Can you buy me a ballon?" Betty asked. "'buy you a ballon?'" Martha repeated. "What about your Poco pudding?" she asked,exasperated. "Well, if you want, you can buy me the ballon instead." "I'm not buying you anything, Betty, you wanted to come in here for Poco pudding." "Please, PRETTY PLEASE?" Martha walked out of Foghart holding Betty's hand while she was holding a ballon. Martha had never encountered Betty acting like this before, but she proceeded to be with her friend while they both were walking home. Soon, Betty asked, "Will you pick me up and carry me, my feet a getting tired. Please. PRETTY PLEASE?" In disbelief, Martha stopped and looked at Betty asking, 'What is wrong with you? Your acting like a little girl tonite. Are you okay?" Betty responded, "I'm okay, but its just that my feet are tired." Martha looked in amazement at her friend, but decided that she better get her home and deal with this matter at a later point in time. She picked up Betty, who, fortunately was a light woman, and carried her body to her house. "Sing me a song" Betty suddenly asked. Martha kept ignoring these childlike innocent remarks as though to concede to them would to patronize a woman who was an accomplished academic in her field. As Martha continued to carry Betty in her arms, Betty said, "I have to go pee." Ultimately, Martha found a small brush where she let Betty down to help her urinate behind the bush. Afterwards Betty hugged Martha, and climbed her like a pole, so she would carry her back home. Martha, once again, carried Betty and they soon reached her apartment, where, only last week, Betty had given a lecture to students regarding a complex Geographical/Social Topic entitled: "Reframing India: Country or Engineering School." The incredible unusual behavior was very upsetting to Martha, who respected Betty's intelligence, but was uneasy when it came to coddling a 45 year old woman. Upon reaching the door, Martha put Betty down and proceeded to ask (without knowing it), 'are you going to be okay?" Betty said, "Oh, yes, its been a wonderful walk home." Just then, the front door to her apartment opened, and standing there dressed like a ballerina with Plastic wings and a stovetop hat was President Abe Lincoln's Ghost. He picked up Betty and said to Martha, "Thank you for walking home my little angel tonite." He then began bouncing Betty up and down in his arms while she closed the door on Martha. Martha walked back to the meeting house in a haze of confusion. She went into a neighborhood bar to get a stiff drink, to straighten out her nerves. When she went in, she saw cows and sheeps dancing under an Weather Ballon crystal ball. The bartender was wearing a huge plastic recycling bag around his body. He asked Martha, "what are you having to drink?" Martha said, "Give me 'The New Way to Peace, PRETTY PLEASE?" From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JUL-1998 11:52:44 Subj: Martha returns to Strotheimer #126 of 126 38_CLIFTON Date: 30-JUN-1998 04:31 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Martha returns to Strotheimer As Martha sipped a Legg Spoon with Vodka at the bar she had skipped off to, she wondered about Betty. Questions peered over her like in some cliche 1920's movie, "Why did Betty begin acting like a child?" "What was the reasons that would drive a 45-year old woman to cling to Martha like her mother?" "What kind of relationship would develop after this experience?" The actions of Betty certain perturbed Martha, prodding her onwards to the elixir of Beer Swapps with murmur sauce. The bartender, who had taken off his recycling bag so he cold feel more comfortable, suppressed his natural instinct for attention, and approached Martha with a "What's up with you?" type of pick-up. Martha looked, and tried not to, but finally asked the bartender: "You have any food in this joint?" "Franks. Fries. Spotty. You know, the regular." "I didn't think so." Having digressed this far, the bartender caved into his curiousity by asking Martha: "You know, I've never seen a woman drink Beer Swapps with murmur sauce." After a sip of the concoction, Martha replied, "Then you've never seen a woman, I suppose." Her line wasn't intended to gip off the bartender, merely to presume his back air of observations which all service attendents of the economy seemed to saunder around in these days. The obvious pause of confused silence from the bartender over Martha's odd response engaged some other natural instinct, one primarily from somewhere beneath his skin. He said, "by the way, my name is Strotheimer. I own this bar." Strotheimer extended his hand. Martha picked up the cocktail Florida crocidile stick from her Swapps and put it in his hand, saying "Pleased to meet you Stroth, I'm Certified Instructor Martha Deathklymer." "Oh, so your a CI? At Fralow College?" "No. They have me installed at Leftblower Cheeks." "HaHaHa." began Strothmeier. "Very funny" "Ah, Hellow, its not a joke. That's what the school is call. Leftblower Cheeks." Still in tears, Strothmeier said, "Oh, thats not why I'm laughing, its that when you said 'Leftblower', your cheeks seemed to puff up." Martha remembered her friend Betty at that instant, how she used to laugh also, when Martha mentioned "Leftblower Cheeks." It depressed her to see a stranger, an bartender of all people, laughing at one of the most prestigious academic centers for development, merely because it may have had a strange name associated with it. Her thoughts then mingled with those of Betty, how her friend used to explain that Martha should not get so serious. That 'Leftblower Cheeks' was a slightly amusing name, and that Martha should accept this fact if she were to mention her occupation in its context. It was at this juncture that Martha accepted the humour that Frothmeier was getting hickies over. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 1-JUL-1998 11:53:46 Subj: Re: Update #124 of 126 38_CLIFTON Date: 28-JUN-1998 15:04 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Update ->Ari did dishes twice. in one day, as opposed to the usual, twice yearly. ->Cozmo hangs out in the closet. allergic reactions subside. ->Changdo moved in downstairs. Wife affirmative. Greetings, Ultimate Informant! ->Bikes picked up and cycled home. Napped for rest of day. Watched TV, thereafter. ->Dishwasher spotted at Shaws. Altert N.S. ->Monotonous conversation. Attention deficit From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-JUL-1998 23:50:39 Subj: Re: Planning for Dana Commons #43 of 84 GENERAL Date: 21-JUN-1998 10:47 Expires: 19-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Planning for Dana Commons ->June 16, 1998 -> ->TO: Members of the Clark Community -> ->FROM: Denise Darrigrand, Dean of Students -> ->SUBJECT: Planning for Dana Commons TO: Planning for Dana Commons FROM: Permanent Clark Community member. SUBJECT: Members of the Clark Community who have Left for Summer Vacation. -> As you know, we are going ahead with plans for Dana Commons for next year. ->Specifically, we are planning an Activity Center for the second floor and a ->Multicultural Center for the first floor. In anticipation of opening in the ->spring of 1999, we need to get a number of aspects of both centers planned ->soon. As you may know, there is a slight difference between the amount of interest in Dana Commons for next year and the amount of able- bodied men & women willing to heed that interest during summers at Clark. Presently, these students are engaged in activities elsewhere; somewhat oblivious to the elements of anticipation regarding the Multicultural Center's Grand Opening. Therefore, we need to determine the timing of your request in more detail -> A group will begin working this summer, both on architectural plans as ->well as planning aspects of the project such as program, hours, and ->staffing. I would like to invite your participation in this process. Please ->let me know if, and how, you would like to be involved. You can, if you wish, ->be a part of the meetings we are having; you can call, write, or E-mail me ->with your ideas. Whatever way you would like, it is important that we ->collaborate with a wide segment of the Clark community in order to ensure that ->the plans reflect your needs and ideas. A group will be slacking around this summer, both on frisbee tossing as well as poker aspects of their lives such as gambling on relationships, seeking employment and carnyville. They would like to invite your response to this summer reality. Please let them know if, and how, you would like to engage their attention. You can, if you wish, participate in these rituals by hanging out at Blarkey Door, Ultimate Freeboo, Wheatbread, whatever. It is not important to reach a wide segment to reach your goals, as only a handful of this segment resides here in the summer. -> Please be in touch with me if you'd like to be involved. If you are on ->campus, or can come to campus for meetings, it would be helpful if you could ->give me a sense of your availability. If you want to call, my number is ->508-793-7423, or you can e-mail me at ddarrigrand@clarku.edu. I look forward ->to hearing from you and to your participation in the process. The group is aware of your presence, and the need to be involved. If you are walking around on campus, or having a beer at The Bleary Woe, you can indentify yourself and provide a sense of urgency, if any, in this matter. If you want, simply say "I posted something on Vax about the Multicultural Center," and the group will be able to decipher the underlying meaning. I look forward to your participation in this matter, and hearing about future marketing results. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-JUL-1998 01:11:09 Subj: Re: system 8 #920 of 932 74_FLORENCE Date: 5-JUL-1998 23:05 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: system 8 ->yes well win98 came out june 24, and will put the mac world to rest. ->although people say win copies mac, they always release their products ->earlier (even though both release them months overdue). mac will ->continue to plummet, change CEO another six time, never realize their ->marketing/licensing blunders and sink like the titanic. sell Apple calls ->btw, anyone interested in stocks might want to look into MicroSft on ->the NASDAQ. their stock has risen 14 points in the last week, and i ->predict it will be up to 150 points by late november. too bad i ->dont have any money to invest. buy MSF calls From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-JUL-1998 01:12:13 Subj: Re: Consolidate Metaphors #921 of 932 74_FLORENCE Date: 6-JUL-1998 01:11 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Consolidated Metaphors ->Don't ask what it means, I don't know. Well if you insist, I just want to ->reactivate the once colorful folder. I sense the force is leaving us. What is ->the force anyway? But if I know how to describe it better, I wouldn't use the ->term "the force", would I? Basically I sense the lack of lively events in my ->life. People surrounding me are busy, in an uninspiring way. Creativity is ->barred by daily chores. Imagination becomes unaffordable luxury. Maybe that is ->the essence of reality, nothing happens but it's all real. Or maybe I'm just ->doing my share of what everyone shares, the depression. Okay, so I'm ->depressed. I stare at the mirror accross the room, nobody uses that mirror ->anymore, nobody stares at that mirror and worries about gaining 1/4 of a ->pound anymore, yeah You've eloquently defined the prevailing mood of an emotional flotilla which once engaged romantic visions, but now passes into the war of some other, yet unmanagable, future. The prose of one soul against all others who have waged this battle may appear as a subtext solider holding an empty-paged book in one hand and a pen, without ink, in the other. But if you leave the battleground now, your chances of spiritual death actually increase, not decrease, when faced with no one to love, nothing to hope for, nothing to believe. When you look at death, you must bear arms and break free. Ironically, it is only after this point that your allowed to truely die, to freely die. Obviously, you must read these statements as death in its gravational-sense. It is one of the aspects of one's own ending that seldom is understood; namely, the finality of a being which instructs one to discharge an obligation to our value-systems, to "the force", for identify with Steve's non-committal observation. You depression is honorable and private, and it indicates a sign among us, either for distant travelers who browse these postings in hopes of a divested cookie, or others, like myself, who have gained intensity from knowing the various people behind their writing. Steve's effect is well-known for digging a hole in the back of the mind where no-one puts a candle because the cobwebs and mice which lurk there are somewhat spooky. Strange robotic hobbits and trolls dwell there waiting for innocent blind strawberry ladybugs to go dancing through the roses. Steve's writings usually describe the instant when the ogres of our intellect squash the gentle hippies meowing to go out. ->Lesley has left us, so has her cat. Spinoza is the ruling cat of the house, ->not because he is the coolest as many of us believe, but because he is the ->only one, the only one left in the house. There was a time that the cat ->society was properous around us, that even a squirrel got dangerously close to ->spinoza's posse, risking being consumed, to share the communal livelihood of ->another species which was generally considered the predators of his own kind. ->I don't know what the squirrel was thinking, that spinoza and associates ->became vegetarians, perhaps? Lesley's departure may be symbolic in a way, to this whole folder, to the passage from community -- to questioning -- to final resignation. Your attempt to transform the mascot of the house, Spinoza, into the protoype of 74_Florence sentimentality, is a serious flaw in the instruments of battle that you have grown accustomed to. Spinoza's symbolic value was essentially worthless -- like an old mascot from the high school football game from the glory years. In some myths, when the flow of energy is reversed : where insubordinate symbols conduct the conductor's moves in an orchestra, whats the result? Probably the lines you've shared above. Accept, and direct, change in the 74_Flo battle as a necessary ingredient to preserve its vitality. If we all stopped at history to fire our guns, then the enemys we would kill would be ourselves. ->Maybe it's just the neurotic summer that is doing its demage on me, yeah the ->air pressure is low and O-zone level way high. It makes me worries about old ->people with asthmatic conditions, let's hope they all have air-conditioning ->and cute pets and no trouble-causing tenants. On second thought, I don't ->really care. I decided a long time ago it is better to be honest with myself ->than to fakely converge to social norm. So my question to you is that do you ->really care? Have you ever got to the point that you stop romanticizing about ->yourself? (my answer to this is that I haven't but I'm planning on it.) You in what's called the summer zone; druids who live at 74_flo, live for Ultimate_Frisbee, drinkers, poker-chips, and people inbetween. As time goes on, the troops will dissent, some will be loyal, a couple will remain your friends after many wars and many good-wishes have been spent. Our elders say to us (I'm talking thousands of years ago), to look without so that we may look within. You seem to be doing this when you state you want to be honest with yourself. And, yes, you do in the end stop romanticizing about yourself, too. But without a little romance, even some trees and a hippie or two, the whole world has to be cancelled, sent back to the Big Bang, and we'll have to start over again. Our Tao would say, "Take with you what you've already left behind." Be kind to your defeat so that you may achieve victory. ->I feel the urge to be funny, after all humor is the aspirin of the mind (hence ->some people are allergic to it). I've always aspired to be someone who can ->toss out humor on momentary notice (it's also my belief that people acchieve ->that are necessarily manic depressive, like Robin Williams or Billy Crystal, ->don't you think?). Actually my general belief is that any supra-human talent ->is always a mixed blessing, mixed in such an ironic way that people who don't ->have it get depressed that they couldn't acquire it and people who have it get ->frustrated that they couldn't jump out of it. I got the previous idea from an ->emminent Chinese writer's work "surrounding the city" (my own translation by ->the way). Relationships, he says, is like a troup trying to take over a city, ->while you don't have it, all you want to do is to get in, when you finally get ->in, all you want to do is to get out (I'm not sure this makes sense to the ->English-speaking population, either due to intricacy of Chinese philosophy or ->due to lack of expertise of my own translation). First of all, put a squasher on the funny bottles, neurotic media-psycho induced Western Civilized cultures. It leads you down the tubes of drool like someone forgetting to wear their bib. These passes of fancy you've imbibed have turned personal responsibilty into universal paradigm, making the practicality of living into a circult board, rather than color and canvas. Your attempting to use a backhoe to move a cotton ball. A lot of people would rest easy if the only thing they learned at birth was the world is here for *you*; rather than "you are in the world." Intimidation was my birthsign, egos abound because the "you are in the world" causes one to think "I have to be like the world". See below ->So let's not talk about relationships. It wouldn't do anyone any good anyway. ->Let's talk about BULLETIN writings in stead. How many people are there that ->read and write for BULLETIN? My guess is 20, including the 203 crowd and 74 ->crowd. I said earlier that I want to reactivate this folder, now the question ->is how? And if you are curious I should tell the answer right now---no way. My ->biggest problem after trying for 6 years to penetrate and embrace the american ->culture is, I've no idea what people want. In fact, I've no idea what I want ->either. The question of want implies "being wanted." If you think in terms of the language you use, you'll discover that it simply doesn't match the true questions we are trying to engage. Taking the literal move from a quadratic formulae isolates the variables before attempting its solution. When you say you want to revive the folder, you put your soilders at too much ease -- but I digress --- its a good feeling. Your summerzone training as a jedi knight is hardly near completion, my friend, but your wonderful industrial thoughts, spoken in earnist, fortifies our empathies. Not many will undertand the nature of the people who have posted on Vax, another temporal monitor diced and strewn about with phrases frozen for dust-closet excavators of religion, perhaps, to uncover. Or probably more, forever more, an oblivous dialogue-shake made to serve thirsty gods vicariously through our minds. For myself, to have anticipated the small patchwork of Florencettes tossing Frisbee and watching videos, both offline and online, rocks your agnst gently asleep. Although depression and ultimate suicide would be a conveient cure to the logged-in daze of isolation from the sun and scruffy bicycle trips and "other kind of trips", it would be short-live (no pun intended, oh, okay, it was a little pun.) I've been hearing that the 74_Flo_Days won't last for ever, but isn't it that in our lives we must cast our lives farther out to get the bigger fish? I was told once, by a long-ago ex girlfriend that the end is only the beginning. Accept these instructions or be prepared for war. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-JUL-1998 01:16:09 Subj: Re: Togetherness is beautiful: COBRIEN and SGUO in heaven #922 of 932 74_FLORENCE Date: 6-JUL-1998 01:25 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Togetherness is beautiful: COBRIEN and SGUO in heaven ->I've always wondered what it would be like to be Bill. Just wandering around ->screaming Random mockery phrases like "WHAT THE FUCK?" Wandering into rooms, ->unsure as to whether or not he will actually receive n answer to the question. -> because when you get down to it, the bottom line... WHAT the fuck? Isn't ->that what we're all thinking? ->Steve is moving to New York. What the fuck? ->He's from China. What the fuck? ->He's 28 and he's analyzing relationships. What the fuck? -> ->Why is he thinking that there is any hope for reviving old relationships ->anyway? Relationships can only survive if there is constant tension and many ->problems. What the fuck? Can this be true? one of my most pleasant fantasies is to see Heavanly Bill walk hand-in-hand with Randy down Strawberry Lane. I know this sounds kind of weird and insensative (okay, maybe rude, even), anyway, i was thinking it would turn down everybody's summerzone pressure cooker if we saw two agreeable gentleman setting the ultimate standard for us all. No more door-slamming, constant pacing back and forth, key-jingling, stolen ice-cream bars, instead,just plain-old friends walking together, gently, looking at the sky, talking about Adian or Spinoza, or the Poker-Fund, and holding hands. I think everybody needs an example to be set, a test of two intensely critical analytical young men, dressed in their best computer t-shirts and short pants, horribly argutable and highly-sensitive suddenly, tossing their computer terminals and mattresses out the window, throwing everybody out at poker night, and disconnecting their phone, then skipping around our Worcester neighborhood playing Infinite Frisbee and inviting newbies to social conversation cookies using relationships-suck technology. I think it would be Heavanly! :) From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 7-JUL-1998 01:19:22 Subj: Re: Choose Your Own Bulletin Adventure #71 of 81 GENERAL Date: 2-JUL-1998 16:00 Expires: 30-JUL-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Choose Your Own Bulletin Adventure ->You've just woken up, and for some bizzare reason you can't go to sleep, even ->though it's 4am! So, you dial up to the vax from your off-campus house. ->Suddenly, around 4:30a, you're disconnected. Upset, you shut off your computer ->wishing you had an ethernet connection. You sit there, staring at the monitor ->when the phone rings! This sounds about right-> ->Do you pick up the phone, or continue examining Worcester dust that has accumalated on your monitor, and seems to glow in odd purple and red tones? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-JUL-1998 01:45:39 Subj: Re: fun vehicle for sale #77 of 90 GENERAL Date: 15-JUL-1998 00:20 Expires: 12-AUG-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: fun vehicle for sale ->I have a very fun vehicle for sale. It's a 1991 Suzuki Samarai, 4-wheel drive, ->black body, black soft top, very good condition. Been housed in a garage for ->the past three years. The soft top is only a year old. It has 78,000 miles, ->which isn-t bad for a seven-year-old car. My husband used it mostly to drive ->to the commuter train. Never once came remotely close to tipping over. Very ->fun in the summer especially. They don't make this vehicle anymore, so it's a ->classic. It's breaking my husband's heart to sell it, but we're buying a ->family car (time to grow up). We're looking for $2,200. If you're interested, ->e-mail koreilly or call x7442 I have something very funny for sale. It's a redundant, specifically boring, cultural deadtomb icon thingy which we have for sale everyday. Been housed in advertisements in papers every Sunday, written about everywhere, even put in magazines and TV. The way its written is about a 1000 years of somnolence. Not too shabby for a box of metal that gets one from point A to point Z. My husband is a man who used it mostly to talk about. Never once came remotely close to triggering sleepytime during ordinary discourse. Summer's coming, so what the hell. It breaks my heart to sell a symbol of American conformity, but I thought you'd be interested to know what other purchases we are planning (time to grow up). From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-JUL-1998 01:48:48 Subj: Re: fun vehicle for sale #85 of 90 GENERAL Date: 16-JUL-1998 21:11 Expires: 13-AUG-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: fun vehicle for sale ->what is American conformity? being different From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-JUL-1998 01:52:00 Subj: Re: fun vehicle for sale #88 of 90 GENERAL Date: 16-JUL-1998 21:35 Expires: 13-AUG-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: fun vehicle for sale ->american conformity is a broad-based term. It encompasses ->everything from white baseball hats to pushiness to overbearing ->parents to bloaty, badly-sunburnt men in tank tops. Beer also helps. ->What's more interesting in Mr. hagelstein's message is his urge to ->the seller that it is "Time to grow up". Seems like it is time ->to take a piece of your own advice. Move on. Stop sitting around ->and tearing apart other people's attempts at community building. ->It's people like you that give even computer geeks a bad name. -> Jesse Paddock. American sarcasam is an overused expression. It encompasses everthing from random snips of conversation, including dull advertisements and vapid announcements, to entire institutional establishments, to attempts at people describing their fearless fears and their monotonous egos. Beer also helps. What's more interesting in Mr. Paddock's message is his urge to reveal that my value system is "oversold". Seems like it is time for me to take a piece of your advice and short the incomplete and brief duration of your observation. Sell high, buy low. I'll stop this agonizing sitting around and tearing apart entire community infrastructures. I'm sorry I was attempting to enhance people like you that give rhetoric a computerized response. Christopher Hagelstein From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-JUL-1998 02:15:22 Subj: Mean Cards #940 of 941 74_FLORENCE Date: 15-JUL-1998 00:36 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Mean Cards Thanks for Dinner. I'll pay you later. These flowers are beautiful. But you still smell. Happy Birthday. Anything else? Merry Christmas. By the way, where's my gift? I didn't know Ugly people spoke. Friend or no Friend, It still costs 5$ per minute to talk to me. White, heterosexual, male. Next, please? You appear stupid enough to be useful. What drugs are you hanging out with tonite? Pleased to meet you. I'm called "Monotony", also. Oh, by the way, nobody called for you today. I'm convinced your not neurotic. Your failures are very real. Good news. Fourty-hours per week. Hi, I'm calling on behalf of your conciousness. Is anyone home? Looks like you love me. How much do I owe you, now? You regular dumbass self looks fine to me. Has it every occured to you that being "gay" means also being "happy?" Your conception was the result of ennui. Your birth was a bigger problem. I'm a rational man when I want to be. When I see a woman I love, I pretend I'm gay, so I'll get her. If I find a ketchup stain on your resume, I will fire you immediately. Oh, your computer game called. It wants you to come out to play. I'll have scrambled eggs, toast, coffee and one large computer terminal, please. How would you like your computer cooked? Without a Life, thanks. Your very photogenic, It makes up for you in real life. I thought that was a good movie, except for you being with me. I'm calling to say we hired someone else for the job you did not get. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-JUL-1998 02:16:37 Subj: Re: Leaving Bulletin #941 of 941 74_FLORENCE Date: 16-JUL-1998 22:48 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Leaving Bulletin ->Hi dear friends, -> ->After an on-and-off thinking about bulletin for quite sometime, I think it's ->time for me to leave bulletin. I read your letter to 74 Florence street a couple of days ago, and have been both amused and dissapointed regarding your observation. It is a phrase that all of us partake in at roads in our lives, and never look back. But when you say you'll "leave bulletin", you are actually going to "encounter 'bulletin'" again, some other type of involvment, distribution, engagement, attachement, something sticky to the mind's guts, cerebral peanut butter of the soul. Clearly, our thoughts are focused when the some beginning or end is near at hand. However, young Guo, chaos exists in the middle, during participation. Your responsiblity is to leave, but to ultimately come back. Don't get me wrong, it's been great hanging a ->round here. But I am going through some changes. For a prolonged period of ->time I found myself lacking motivation to do things. Ambition has dropped to a ->historical low point for me. There can be no ambition without a mission. I'm sure its been great "hanging around" for you, and a lot other people, myself included. Very few people have missions anymore, because any purpose, spirituality, or dissention are either unsophisicated sophistry, political quagmire or basic attention-starvation symptoms. So, after all this, your picture of Ambition is like a Trophy or other symbol so represented when the inner cookie crumbs from a self-consumptive soul begin eating the paint chips in a Worcester 3 Decker John Doe at a movie near you. Forget the Ambition bullshit, in other words. Use famous phrases like "Live close to the Bone", and "Costs are low, Times are slow." Your hypnotic eastern soul has been poisoned by the harmoney a post-monolithic economy has disposed, ie, many have gone before you and dissipated into thin air, a walking slab of scribe and lore, pontificating the embryotic mortibund pickle they've got their paw stuck in. Read the "Tao of Pooh", shut up, and walk. The miracle thing is that all the driving forces ->have returned to me for no apparent reason lately with some added bonus. So I ->decided to move on to experience some new things in stead of hanging out here ->and practice the dark side of my philosophical thoughts and writing. Writing is a demon who comes up and makes you a deal, and you have begun to sell your soul when you write. You'll be involved in the most complicated act of balance and endurance known to history. Everyone will inevitable suppose your rights and fit their perceptiin into them for their own satisfaction. This will feed your natural ability to write more and more, feeding on false inspiration, known and proven topics of useless philosophies, rejected manuscripts, ignorance and snappy criticism. Use your well-spring to nurture the oneness and overriding agony of living in the human-shell body and swim through the soup. Don't separate the Sun into spectrums, for the one which you cannot see will burn you behind your back. I'm ->quiting a series of stuff in my life right now (poker for instance) and I hope ->to get used to quiting things so at some point I can quit smoking as well ( ->crossing fingers for that). In a way I hope everyone can find enough energy to ->make a difference in their life. I'm not there yet but I've been coming up with ->tricks. Well to add a moment of realism here, nobody reads my messages anyway. I'm impressed that you feel Poker is one of those areas you must depart from. Some of us must do the same with drugs or ex-wives or other more serious lifestyle mispricings. As far as I can recall, (and someone correct me if I am wrong), Jon Goldstein & Company were playing in '96. They were tough as nails, and committed to the art of the wager as opposed to the play of the game. It was almost thearapeutic to be reminded that no matter what game was being played, it was the context, not cards, which mattered. Style was as important as form. Maybe the carry-over affect is taking place, where a ritual once performed now has to be reinvented by you in another from. The game of poker is never over; you can never leave the table. You'll find your experience and freshness fondled by the most naive and pompompus thinkers and poets in our solar system, coming from holes and baked good, car mufflers and Yoplait Yougart. You will not feel any disengagement until the day you do not write. Just don't write! Writers are contextual, not relational, water, not wine. We appreciate you looking out for each one of us so we can "make a difference in each our lives." I don't know why you say this, but it must be due to dawn of your new net worth , minus reality. Meaninglessness encompasses the majority of all time, effort, love and money. You must be speaking from the candy-moo-moo on Planet Smiley-Lantern, a fictionally noxious gasey planet which has an atmosphere which supports light baggage when experiencing sudden drops of comprehension. We all have times when we wish others are experience this redemption you must be feeling, so, as this may be the case, we are no different than that in this regard, but our reaction, as may be expected, is one of demurred slough. Indeed, you are correct about us not reading other's writings. The common denominator of communication, in this regar you see as thoughts, reflections, etc, in 74 Florence or where ->But I've been truthfully presenting my dark side (things I come up with when I ->tell myself I don't care). And it would be untruthful now if I whine about ->things when I'm in a naturally happy state (and I am). Hence I hand you all my ->chiesels and leave you in dark. I mean you are on your own now to be bored and ->creative, while I'm somewhere else working on my new charming and curious ->style. -> ->If I have offended you somewhere along the way, the pleasure of apology is all ->mine. And let me fly down to the earth and say this, I usually don't know who ->I'm talking to and what I'm talking about and why words slips through my ->fingers as if they have a life of their own. But I do believe that I almost ->made my bulletin character alive though now I see it as some sort of role ->playing game. I better quit right here. 98/07/11, a memorable date in life. ->Good things happen in July and I just became an uncle. Anyone can lend me a ->book about that boring thing called responsibilities? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-JUL-1998 02:20:03 Subj: Re: DOOR HANGING #150 of 161 38_CLIFTON Date: 13-JUL-1998 22:27 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: DOOR HANGING ->HAVE YOU HUNG THAT FUCKIN DOOR YET BAGEL!!?? The door blocks out the sun from the window, so when we have to open the window, we have to also open a door. 38 Clifton Street is becoming quite dozey in metaphors, so the physical objects of the apartment must be arranged for now on to represent the emotional collective of its residents rather than the actual utility of its body. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-JUL-1998 02:29:59 Subj: Re: News Bulletin #151 of 161 38_CLIFTON Date: 13-JUL-1998 22:37 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: News Bulletin ->As of Wednesday, July 8, the right to have and express emotion was taken away ->from the tenants of 38 Clifton Street. They were instructed to replace all ->feeling with rationale and advised that any actions or behaviors stemming from ->emotion would be laughed at, ridiculed and mocked by a team of professional ->switchboard and keyboard operators. The removal process was initiated when ->one of the tenants stated that she was experiencing a leak of emotion from ->the vault it had been placed in by its creator. The creator was not available ->for comment, but sources close to his mind told us he was fearful that ->a leak might create for momentary havoc in his life and may ultimately force ->him to feel something also. We are unable to present anymore of this story to ->you at this time as all communication must be cleared by an irrelvant third ->party just to make sure we are not missing any information. Please stay ->tuned. Another current resident of the premises has undertaken the instructions presented above by modifying personal behavoir to conform to the day-by-day rendundancy of experience. All ritual expereinces are based upon the similiarity achieved fro one day to the next , whereas any mockery is also the same redundant, repeative, unsophiscated observtion frm the day before. The team members from 38 Clifton street challenge a duel to any other flight of fancy in terms of the "sameness", day-after-day, boring, reduced-achievement tests which have been successfully accomplished and distributed in an orderly fashion. We prefer to challenge others who are socially inept, bereft of romance, low on the totem pole of hope, and are obviously too intelligent to give a damn From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 17-JUL-1998 02:43:06 Subj: United States Department of Agritcultural versus 38 Clifton St. in Static Activity #160 of 161 38_CLIFTON Date: 15-JUL-1998 00:40 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: United States Department of Agritcultural versus 38 Clifton St. in Static Activity United States Department of Agriculture 2000 Pleasantaly-Ordered-Alpha-Streets Washington DC 20002 ATTN: SOCIALLY-ACCEPTABLE EXPERIMENTS DEPARTMENTS DR. BLANKENPOOF. Dear Dr. Blankenpoof. Per your instructions, we have proceeded with your request to re-direct 20 tons of non-perishable food and supplies to a modest 3-decker apartment in Worcester Massachusetts. We have marshalled the forces of Hardy Worldzog, the eminent socialogist of hotel/motel management systems, to effect your request. Worldzog, as you know, is know the World-renowned (hence his name), as an amazing grocery shopper, since he utilizes his keen sense of social acadmeic experience in shopping farms which spread across consumer america. During the the cloning of Polly the Sheep, Worldzog was responsible for another cloning experiment: He successuflly cloned a cow-metaphor into a living and breathable American shopper. Worldzog has earned a significant understanding of dairy and meat products, and their required abundance in the household. Worldzog has been working on transforming his roommate into a beef/dairy eater. So far so good. We expect to have his moo-moo humanoid prototype fully developed by the Year 2000. There is more exciting news, Professor Blankenpoof. Worldzog has fashioned a dome of boxfood around experimental roommates whereas subjects have to eat their way from bathroom to TV room, back to bedroom. Further, the dome of boxfood, rice bags, Lucky Charms, boxes/cans of previously freeze-dried and/or freezed food has been successfully deployed by several Massachusetts contractors to build schools, roads and bridges. These foods will not perish during the heat, nor are they entirely kosher, so regular gentiles can participate as well. Worldzog has banged out a metal dector outfit which he wears when clomping and pacing from between his scientific outposts, from Foxwoods and Lucky Lady, to Bus Terminals and Bowling Alleys. We are very proud of his erractic schedule, yet also fearful that Worldzog will blow up farmlands and pastures to construct blockfood stores for even distribution and consumption, simultaneously creating cinderblocks of non-persishable food. This concludes my report to you, Dr. Blankenpoof. Our government is very proud to have you as a star scientist on this project. Don Applegum Vice-President Proctor & Gamble From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-JUL-1998 03:31:10 Subj: Re: copmuter parts #89 of 94 GENERAL Date: 25-JUL-1998 20:07 Expires: 22-AUG-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: copmuter parts ->HI there. -> ->I have some computer components for sale (as resulting from my upgrading ->of my computer). I am hoping to sell all the components to one person, but if ->you are looking to just buy one of these, let me know or make me an offer. -> ->A Pentium 75 Mhz processor ->A Pentium 90 Mhz processor Chris, Thanks for your announcment. I was looking to purchase 14 Megahertz for my calculator. Can you sell them separately? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-JUL-1998 03:33:23 Subj: Re: That's all folks #175 of 178 38_CLIFTON Date: 25-JUL-1998 20:25 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: That's all folks ->->Call the cat Vaxypoo ->->and give up Cosmo -> ->Okay, maybe Ilied. You know what is interesting. People who REALLY want to ->give something up will not say that they are giving it up. I think the reason ->people verbalize these things is to convince themselves of it. If you really ->want to give something up, you very simply just do it. No more talk about it, ->no more harping on anything, just simple bye-bye. A lie is when you are in debt, either emotionally, or ethically, and you create an enviornment whereas you satisfy that debt without actually repaying it. What you did was merely waltz around with intention, a dance people do to establish an area where reaction is the music and truth is a pawn broker. People who really WANT always give something up, regardless of their needs. If they say they're going to give something up, its the NEED they are telling us they WANT to give up, not the thing itself. I'm gald your willing to resume your participation in the community 38 Clifton Street Posting area. Please continue to proceed. Corrections and/or clarifications will follow accordingly. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-JUL-1998 03:34:28 Subj: Re: Yuck! #176 of 178 38_CLIFTON Date: 25-JUL-1998 20:50 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Yuck! ->I hate songs that remind you of people. Casual radio stations should only ->play songs that I have never heard before in my life. There must be only one kind of song that cause this problem, at least for me. They are the love song variety. Most 60's music reminds me shoveling hay in the back seat of a 1972 Ford Blonko. 1970's music reminds me of taking a shower with a calf in a tub filled with milkshake and Ari-coiffure. 1980's music reminds me of listening to a microwave oven in syncopation with police sirens. Love songs are special, however, throughout any age or time. I'm espcially attracted to "Dreamboat Annie", whichreminds me of some lady. Others include: "Look who's the Fool." "Why am I a sucker." and the other love song, "Time to Check Out", is utilized empirically through metaphantiscal excersises. See your owner's map for instructins. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 26-JUL-1998 03:35:19 Subj: Re: New Address? #177 of 178 38_CLIFTON Date: 25-JUL-1998 20:59 Permanent From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: New Address? ->We have been talking about moving to New Orleans for a few months upon ->realization that our lives hold no invaluable paths here in Worcester. Ari ->will no doubt be remaining here in Worcester, so I just want it to be known ->among you who read this, our "closest" friends", that he opportunity to live ->with Ari for a few months will be opening up and is being made available to ->you first in this forum. The rent is really cheap - only $175 each month and ->the electricity is negotiable. We won't be advertising this offer for another ->month, so if anyone needs a cheap place to stay for a little while without the ->concern of security depositis or credit checks, let me know. To anyone who has the vaugest concern regarding our broken off-line links to the ordinary world, realiztion being referred to includes the monotonous journey of trivality of which social cycles and labour demands leads us to. The observer above is directing your attention to the eventual ramifications of our decision; to keep our two pets, one kitty cat, the other, somewhat human-form, entertained, fed, and adaptable to the smorgasboard of lifeless exchange between cars, cubicles and crappy radio songs. We are breeding this offer to you so that you may populate the entire indifference of others like yourself to see this opportunity in the vacuum of which it is presented. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:13:17 Subj: Re: Cars for sale!! #13 of 153 GENERAL Date: 19-AUG-1998 21:48 Expires: 16-SEP-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Cars for sale!! ->Speaking of sales... ->38 Clifton is having a closeout sale..... ->EVERYTHING MUSTGO!!!! ->No reasonable offer will be refused. ->Stay tuned for details. Thats right, Obri, its that time of year again when students come back and money is SLACK. Come over to Clifton Street and check out our wharehouse of low-budget furniture, fully under-utilized fresh food, makeshift accessories and one absent-minded socialogy major. Our wide variety of living conditions is accessible off of Florence Street or Oberlin, and we're open-minded 24 hours a day. Check out some of these great bargains: Glass Table 3.5 feet by 3.5 feet. Plush Couchs Used Oven 25 Videos of Various Cinematic treasues TV Cart (TV included) Bathrobe of famous Grandpod Sega Genetic System Slack Tapastry McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken Generic White Furniture with Big Future Used Shower Curtain with picture of Little Effort Partial Satisfaction of Employment duties and schedules. Meoweepoo. Mop included. Chicken Chow not. Dishware, Pots, Pan, Cookery, and stuff within it. 74 Florence Street Guide/Map Perceptive Slurly Memoirs Focus Pocus 2 Dressers, one painted Fire-truck red. The other, Gothic-Granny. Sop holder. Outside Swatter to get dribbling smorshballs. Frozen lockpad with enclosed Warsitter. Red recliner chair Office roller chair Yellow director's chair (with Free porch stuff), Talko Salso Padre with Amigo Umbermensched Hypossible Slackmeiser Fetterstone From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:13:43 Subj: Re: Pet-sitter #13 of 153 GENERAL Date: 19-AUG-1998 21:48 Expires: 16-SEP-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Cars for sale!! ->Now available on weekend days, 11 AM- 7 PM, Sat.-Sun. -> ->For dog walks and cat visits, and/or watering plants, making house ->look "lived in" while you're away. -> ->Servicing Clark area and within a couple miles radius of campus. ->Own transportation. -> ->Please call rachel at 754-8244. -> ->Thank you. Available on weekdays and weekends, during Days, Nights, repeating ad infinitum. For sillypoo and playtime, running around, jumping on people while they are sitting peacefully. Servicing Clark area within a couple 100 feet of 38 Clifton. Own litter box. Please call Cosmo at 799-2918 Meow Meow. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:14:27 Subj: PDUNN Meets eternity through CHAGELSTEIN through a Vax Six-Pack #13 of 153 GENERAL Date: 19-AUG-1998 21:48 Expires: 16-SEP-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Cars for sale!! Hey, doodie, I don't think anyone logging on these days will readember old chaggy baggy. Call in the dice, and tell the bacon to stay home -- think of old school as the celebration of new school -- let them write historical clarkademic for the remaking of visiting passages and perceptions that hover the campus, returning to the future. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:15:08 Subj: Re: Poetry/Writing Group #66 of 153 GENERAL Date: 29-AUG-1998 14:11 Expires: 26-SEP-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Poetry/Writing Group: ->Would anyone be interested in forming/becoming part of an informal ->writer's group? I would be interested in forming/becoming a part of an informal formation. -> ->I like to write, and I could always use feedback. I do not like to write. I always get feedback. -> ->Reading poetry ( your stuff and/or other artist's ) in a circle ->either near Red Square on the grass (weather permitting) or in ->a cozy indoor space would also make for a relaxing weekly activity. -> Reading poetry is an opportunity to engage in parody and revise the artist's expression. Red Square is a place to hang out and look at the flagpole. The grass (weather permitting) is a place to watch it grow. Indoor spaces are available for us all to contain unjustifiable enthusiasm and aimless discourse. Relaxing weekly activities will result. ->Or just come and listen. You may listen only after arrival. -> ->* This group is just meant for fun, and is not being created as ->an alternative to any of Clark's literary associations, but ->instead an option for those have the interest and need a ->casual, n on commital way to celebrate their interst. -> This observation is just meant for fun, and is not being rewritten as an alternative to any of Clark's educational clients, but instead an option for those who have no interest or need to communicate between the lines. ->E-mail REISNER if you'd be interested in going to an informal ->poetry/writer's group and if a general meeting time of ->Wednesdays or Thursdays around 4 PM would work. Email KITTY if your interested in an informational distribution/writer's group and if a general digression from meaning is timed between understanding how it works. -> ->Also, if you have any ideas/suggestions/questions please let me know. -> Also, if you have any ideas/suggestions/questions, I will not know of them unless your ability to communicate them endure their validity. ->Thanks, -> ->Rachel, Class of '97. Thanky Bagelite, Classy '87 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:15:42 Subj: Re: Looking to buy TV and VCR #82 of 153 GENERAL Date: 1-SEP-1998 22:15 Expires: 29-SEP-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Looking to buy TV and VCR ->I am looking for a TV and VCR within this coming week. ->If you having something to sell, please call me at 791-5804(evenings) -> or (978) 916 7833 (day), Amin. Does your display offer a sustainable degree of conversation? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:16:07 Subj: Re: Work Study Wanted #84 of 153 GENERAL Date: 1-SEP-1998 22:23 Expires: 29-SEP-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Work Study Wanted ->Thee Office for Public Affairs seeks a work study to assist in the ->publicatiion of Clarkweek, a round-up of events, actiivities and deadlines ->published weekly for the campus community. Must be detailed oriented and have ->strong organization skills. Familiarity with Macintosh and Pagemaker program ->extrremely helpful, as well as interest in writing annd editing. Contact ->Judith Jaeger, Office for Public Affairs, 310 Geography, x7681. Position ->starts immediately. Thee Scribe for Public Announcements seeks a word study assistant in the distribution of Clarkweek, a round-a-bout of events, schedules and whatevers for the campus competitive. Must be demanding and officious and have strong media skills. Familarity with graphical texticon is a technological plus, as well some pursuit of re-writing and subversive intention. Contact Willing Guide, Institutional Headquarters, Georgophical topical Disillusions. Positions abstract immediately. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:16:23 Subj: Re: book wanted #85 of 153 GENERAL Date: 1-SEP-1998 22:25 Expires: 29-SEP-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: book wanted ->I'm looking to buy a used cell biology book. If anyone has a copy or knows ->where I can get one, please email DBRADY@CLARKU. or call 421-3498. It's the ->same edition that was used last year for biology 137. Thanks. I'm selling a Biology 137 Text clone. Many copies are available. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:17:18 Subj: Re: Free tickets to an on-campus Republican debate #99 of 153 GENERAL Date: 4-SEP-1998 19:58 Expires: 2-OCT-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Free tickets to on-campus Republican debate ->Republican candidates for Massachusetts Governor will participate in a debate ->hosted by Clark on Wednesday, Sept. 9. The event will be held from 7-8 p.m. in ->Atwood Hall. A limited number of student events are available and will be ->distributed by lottery. Sign-up for the lottery in the Dean of Students Office ->by 5 p.m. Friday, Sept. 4. The Dean of Students Office will notify those who ->have received tickets. Please note: ticket holders must present tickets at the ->door and must be in their seats by 6:30 p.m. Reprogrammable politicking resulting from Participating Candidates will host a lottery upon thee denizens wandering around Clark, engraved forever as simply the most memorable event conjured by the Whigs and Patriots from centuries ago. A limited number of cots and sleeping devices are available and will be distributed by lottery. Sign-out from the lottery will be met by the Dean of Mean Students with harsh punishment, including possible loss of specific relevancy and increased grovelmental overhaul. Please note: lottery winners must wake up by 6:30 a.m. in order to obey future instructions when permission is granted. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:17:35 Subj: Re: Debate ->Is the debate going to be on TV? Nah, they're going to Store 24. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:17:48 Subj: RE: FREE PIZZA IF YOU BRING A SMILE TODAY! (FRIDAY) #101 of 153 GENERAL Date: 4-SEP-1998 20:01 Expires: 2-OCT-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: FREE PIZZA IF YOU BRING A SMILE TODAY! (FRIDAY) ->Come to CIIA's Pizza Party and General Interest Meeting ->TODAY Friday Sept. 4 ->5:00-5:30 pm Sanford Hall Social lounge (Basement) ->Free Pizza if you bring a smile!!! I'll smile only AFTER the whole pizza goes into my mouth. Do we have a deal? From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:18:15 Subj: RE: Debate #102 of 153 GENERAL Date: 4-SEP-1998 20:16 Expires: 2-OCT-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re:DEBATE ->The debate will be carried live by Channel 4, and carried by Channels 2, 5, 7, ->38 and New England Cable News. Most of the newspapers in the state will be ->here (and of course the Scarlet) and many radio stations. Oh, yeah, well who's going to plow my driveway? And clean up all the raw fruits and vegtables strewn all over the place by inconsiderate squirls, wabbits, and ugly little bunnies? Is the media going to help me out? Or just laugh at me as I try to slave day in, and day out, as I try to support my way through University of Carnyville? You think its easy getting hit in the face with a pie 8 hours a day? Running around honking a horn with a fat red ball on my nose? What's New England Cable News going to do for me? I tell you what their going to do. Their going to tell me to take a hike because its more entertaining to see a couple of government types clowning around rather than me, my chipanzee and assortment of ballon animals and funny faces. Whats the world coming too! From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:18:38 Subj: Re: First issue of the year #98 of 158 GENERAL Date: 4-SEP-1998 20:19 Expires: 2-OCT-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: First issue of the year ->Hey everybody, -> -> So submit; to either Box B-22 or our email account: ->Wheatbread@clarku.edu. If you have any questions, you can email us or stop by ->our table at the activities fair on wednesday. The deadline is the fifteenth, -> -> ->Thanks. I think the words "free pizza and/or beer" are necessary to draw substantial submission to your deadlines. Please call me at your nearest parameter when the opportunity arises From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 14-SEP-1998 22:18:59 Subj: Re: Eating Disorders #99 of 158 GENERAL Date: 4-SEP-1998 20:28 Expires: 2-OCT-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: Re: Eating Disorders ->->Please e-mail me here if you are interested. I can also be reached at ->->sabre@javanet.com -- -> -> ->I don't want to be rude, but why would one or the other be easier to contact ->you by? Its extremly easy. Its easier for me to print out the address on my own personal computer. Very convienent. Then, I walked to Store 24 with my print out and read it out loud: "ATTENTION: I HAVE A SPECIAL ANNOUNCMENT: I WILL BE MAILING THIS MESSAGE TO SABRE@JAVANET.COM AND ORDERING A LARGE COFFEE." Its very easy. Then I crossed the street. Perfect. Then I went to the computer room, and retyped the email address into a Word Document. Very easy. Then I looked at the email address and cut and pasted it into Notepad.exe. It was getting easier by the second. Then I thought about going to store 24 to get a coffee. How grand! But I remembered that I had to post this message on Bulletin. And, like a snap, I logged in. Then I forgot what to say. But, still, it was so easy to reply to the email address that I walked out of the computer room with a smile for free pizza. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 12-OCT-1998 03:43:58 Subj: Re: The Master Plan -> One thing that scares me about myself is how algorithmically I think. I know ->algorithmic thinking is not natural for humans, it needs to be developed ->culturally, and I can't for the life of me figure out where I go this from. -> Nowhere is the nested-heirarchical quality of my brain more abvious than when ->i try to explain my master plan for this time period. Each project is nested ->with one ones, so that each time I make some progress on something, five or ->six aspects of 3 or four projects change themselves considerably and result in ->totally new decision-making algorithms (aka priorities). One thing that scares me about you is how systematically you dream. I know romantic thinking is natural for humans, its deployment has been devolped culturally, and its figure of expression acts as a way out. The systematic-romantic is most vunerable when the brain acts to explain a "master plan" for a period of time. Each day turns into a project, so each successive day appears as progress. Each hope, then, confirms, success...an algorithm formulated within theoretical infinity. -> So, here's the Big Picture: -> I'm here to get into the film industry. Now, there are essentially three ->kinds of positions that are non-technical: writing, directing, and producing. ->I am interested, but not equally, in all three. I *know* i can-- and want to-- ->write. I suspect I can-- but am not sure if I'd want to-- direct (and ->occasionally the other way around). I'm fairly sure I can produce, and I'm ->fairly sure I'd like to, but then, maybe I only mean my own scripts, I'm not ->sure. So here's the Big Story: Your there to get into the film club. Now, there are esstentailly three kinds of possibilities that are realistic: win, loose, stay the same. We know what you are interested in, but not considering all three. We all know we *can* write ---- but *why*? I suspect writing --- if you're your up to the challenge ---directly (and occasionally the other way around) promotes mediocrity. I'm fairly sure you can produce *something*, maybe shoes, or tissue paper, and I'm fairly confident your not going to...but then, again, maybe this can serve as a script to your future movie. -> Now, the film industry is, when you get close to it, indistinguishable from ->the televsion industry, eblieve it or not. Talent agencies don't even seperate ->their tv agents from their film agents, they all work together on both. ->Together, the whole thing's called the Entertainment industry. This industry ->permeates every aspect of everything here, as does spanish (not the Spain ->kind) culture. Now, the film club is, when you focus in on it, is indistinguishable from people not living in reality in the first place. Talented agents of fantasy don't want to separate romantics from their dreams, they form a contract between both parties. Together, the whole thing's called Rendundancy. This concept prioritizes every aspect of everything in society, as well as film (not the Kung-Fu) industry. -> It also employs zillions of people-- and that's how you get into the biz: by ->knowing people. It is, in fact, a small business-- everyone knows everybody ->else, word of mouth travels very fast, which is how stars get 'hot' so fast ->and careers are ended in a metter of minutes. it is similar to Washington DC ->in that it is a small incestuous community within a larger one; it is also ->largely oral, meaning face to face contact and personal relationships carry ->far more weight than a resume, background, or a slick suit. Trust is a word ->used the way the ancient Hebrews used "Jehova." It also deludes zillions of people --- and that's how you get sucked into the biz: by pretending to know people. It is, in fact, a small algorithm --- everyone functions by word of mouth, and results om "yeah" or "nay". Seems like a 'hot' career. I agree that Washington DC carries the same luster that Hollywood does: small, incestuous, largely oral to face personal contact. (Note to self: Use following itinerary for basis of a Theordore Dreiser or Henry James parody novella... -> I'm at UCLA to get into their highly competitive graduate school of film-- ->provided I don't find anything better out in the Industry itself. Now, to get ->into the Film school, I have until November 1st to: -> - get 3 kick-ass recommendations -> - take the GREs and score wicked fucking good -> - write a Personal Statement that will make you cry -> - edit down the LaserCity film so I can prove I'm not (totally) ->chasing a whim. -> - get to know some film school students so I can -> - get to know some film school professors, who will be deciding ->whether I get in or not. -> -> But, like everything else here, getting to know the students is a ->multi-faceted strategic step. I need them because: -> - they are the future members of the Industry whose trust and $ I will ->need -> - I need access to editing equipment (and an editor) to complete ->LaserCity. -> - I need access to raw talent because I am already producing my first ->film (!) (more on this later) -> - Plus I don't know anyone, and meeting people happens twice as fast ->if you have a friend. -> -> I want to go to grad school to get work in the Indutsry later (and meet tons ->of future contacts) on one hand, and to personally test myself as a director, ->the job I know the least about and have the least experience in, on the other. ->Grad school is contingent on a) getting in, and b) not having something better ->going on. Of course I might not have any choice. -> -> I tell people at Breadstiks, after they ask what I'm doing with myself in ->this strange foreign place, that I spend all my time outside of work trying to ->get a job. Besides being a good one-liner, it's mostly true: I have posted my ->resumes (now there are 7 of them) on 14 different job search websites, ->registered with UCLA's employment office, signed up with about 5 temp agencies. -> I've gotten about 4 interviews, none of which panned into anything. But ->there's good news: classes have begun. -> UCLA's answer to COPACE is the UCLA Extension, which, unlike COPACE, carries ->with it a sterling reputation for educational quality (I happen to hold COPACE ->classes among the very best Clark has to offer, btw). The Extension is so ->large it also has academic departments. Their Film&Television course offerings ->are all taught by professionals in the biz-- DPs, 1st ADs, directors, ->producers, etc. Very cool. -> I'm taking 3, maybe 4 evening classes-- next Monday I'll find out if "Getting ->a Career in the Entertainment Industry" is worth the dough-- I already have a ->pretty good idea of how to go about it. I'm going to number 1 through 5 on a ->pad, and if I don't learn 5 new things in the first class, I'm going to de- ->register. -> My classes are (spot the pattern): PreProduction, Production, and ->PostProduction. Unfortunately, they're out of order schedule-wise: "Post" is ->first, "Pre" is second, and the Actual-Filmmaking class is last-- a class ->worthy of its own insane entry. They are taught by professionals, as I said, ->and also happen to be full of professionals, generally people from the 10,000 ->non-creative parts of the film industry looking to get into one of the 7 ->creative parts. -> [Btw, there's nothing odd about the professional turn-out. If anyone saw ->Armageddon, they might remember the credits went on for over 12 minutes-- and ->they were two columns wide. The 12 studios at Hollywood make ~60 films a ->years. Independents make about triple that number. For every film, there are ->at least 10 films that almost got made but fell through. For every one of ->those, there are probably 50 unused scripts. The sheer number of people ->necessary to produce the Biz's output, and sift the corn from the shaft, and ->market and distribute what survives the bloodiest of all birthing processes, is ->unbelievable.] -> And in this mix of 30 and 40-somethings, sits I, completely overwhelmed by ->how much I'm learning how fast, and every five minutes I go from feeling ->in total control to totally swamped by everything going on. -> The guy who hired me at Breakstiks, Vince, works as a film editor for a ->company called MediaWorks-- he's totally low-level, sort of schmoozed his way ->on board. He wants to write and direct, just completed his first screenplay. ->He hooked me up with their editing guys-- for $300 a days, I can get LaserCity ->digitally edited. Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of dough (although my ->mom hinted she might spring for it-- more on my mom later), and to convert VHS ->to digital, they have to compress the signal, resulting is the ugliest picture ->I've ever seen; the edits I did with Cindy Conti look better. But we worked ->out a deal where if I can get 120m of Beta-SP tape, and find someone to ->transfer it for free (a $250 value), the MediaWorks guys are willing to edit ->me for a reduced fee, possibly as a side project, with the $ going right into ->their pockets. -> Now, i'm taking the GREs on the 21st, app's due the 1st (a Sunday, so it ->needs to be done the Friday before. It is in that space I have time to edit-- ->approximately 48-36 hours. This gives me about 1 week to find blank tape and ->transfer the film. To do that I need people. -> To complicate matters, I am selling my car and just bought a 1986 VW ->Quantum-- from a writer-director named Vicente Baldwin. My check bounced due ->to a miscommunication with my bank, and he turned into a huge asshole-- which ->I should have expected. Fortunately, he lives nowhere near me. -> Selling-- and buying-- a car is really complicated on the logistical side, ->and it's been eating away at my time. Dumping my Grand Am represents a huge ->windfall, but a big hassle, too. I spent my afternoon first having my car ->inspected by the first owner's mechanic (I'm the thrid owner), and then ->registering it (and myself) with the DMV. I really don't have that kind of ->time to spare. -> Between my 3.5 hour classes, work, finding a job, selling my car, and trying ->to edit LaserCity, I've been collecting contacts and hitting them up for jobs ->or, if not that, other contacts. I have literally filled my entire screen with ->stickies containing all the info I have collected. It's weblike-- each contact ->gives me at least 2 names. -> My mom has proved ridicuously supportive, hitting up everyone she knows for ->friends or relatives in the biz. She discovered that my great-grand-parents ->were cousins of Jeffrey Katzenberg's great-grand-parents-- and you can bet ->your ass I was on the phone his secretary the next day (I ended up sending him ->a gushing letter and my resumes, which he personally forwarded to DreamWorks ->Human Resources-- I know because I got a rather surprised letter from the ->head of HR). She also put me in touch with the daughter of one of our ->neighbors who went to NYU Film school and is now a filmmaker in NYC. She in ->turn gave me 7 names in LA-- including one guy who turned out to be the head of ->Paramount's Interntional Televsion division (don't laugh, that's really ->fucking impressive). This guy gave me the 3 numbers of the employment agencies ->used by Paramount, which is not only solid gold info, but he said I could use ->his name. Dropping his name got me instant interviews with them (I go next ->week), even though they say they don't take just anyone, usually there is a ->testing and screening process, with they're waiving for me. The one place (of ->the three) that I've been gave me the longest and most difficult tests I've ->ever taken-- and I scored 71wpm on the typing, 100% on MS Word, 88% on Excel ->(which I haven't used since 1995), and 84% on PowerPoint (which I have ->literally NEVER used). I was on fucking cloud nine. -> As Zack mentioned, I'm also cold-calling people whose business cards I took ->from the Free-Dinner box at the La Salsa near my apt. I have chatted up the ->people who work there, learned that the drawings for the free lunch are Monday ->mornings, and done by the cute cashier with the long eyelashes. I chatted her ->up, and learned that for a few bucks she'll draw any card I tell her to. I had ->an idea based on an old Encyclopedia Brown story: freeze the card right before ->the drawing, and have the girl find the card based on temperature. -> I plan to use this to get my contact a free dinner when I finally get through ->to one of them-- I have unfortunately been only calling intermittently, and ->gotten only voicemail. No one's returned my calls yet. If I could only find a ->person, I know I could get them... -> Anyway, calls have started to come in from the online resume sites. It's a ->little much, sometimes, but I'm trying to juggle them. I need a job ->desperately-- with classes, I can only work 20 hours a week at Breadstiks, ->which pays shit. I keep saying I'll take anything, but then my heart tells me ->to hang on for that golden opprtuntity. I can, I suppose, take a job, and then ->continue to job hunt, and try to upgrade. Argh. The worst part will be leaving ->Breadstiks, where I get 8 straight hours of human contact, and relationships ->that I can honestly say are "in progress." Plus I get free fruit and soda ->(I've lost like 20 lbs since I've moved here, I eat like nothing and almost ->never outside my apt). -> The beauty part in all this is that no matter how much work or how long it all ->takes, the ride itself is really fun and enjoyable, thanks to great people, ->great weather (all the goddamn time!), and a great town. -> -> Next: Yvonne and the Midnight Showings From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 22-OCT-1998 00:00:36 Subj: RE: Cliff notes for LA_Story #157 of 159 NO-ONE-AT-ALL-CARES-BUT-BILL Date: 21-OCT-1998 20:18 Expires: 4-NOV-1998 00:00 From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Subj: LA_Cliff Notes These Cliff Notes on LA_Story are to prepare students for passing the Literature Section on the Graduate Relative Examinations. The central character in LA_Story is a passionately-driven antongonist called "Vax" who wonders into a sexy on-line world of signifiers and qualifications. This meat market is where all of the sub-plot takes place. There are several parallel plots, as well. One portrays the antithesis of Vax, a character called "Civilization," who maintains the status quo in the meat market, avoiding heavy objects and leftover responsibilities. Ultimately, civilization meets up with Vax in a bowling alley asking for directions to a monitor. Vax says, "Nah, you don't want to post, you want to bowl." Civilization asks "I know how to bowl already, why would I want continue with something I've learned already?" Vax answered: "A monitor, however, provides an unlimited amount of challenge, when the pins are so arranged that you always leave one pin standing." Civilization was sick of all of Vax's mystical bullshit. So, he got up and asked Vax: "Listen, I am the nature of culture, and center of logic. I act according to the fashion and dialogue appropriate to sustain labour and entertainment. I have nothing against bowling, but I cannot possible fit my conceptual self through the niche of some passe, archaic, pastime. From: JACK::CHAGELSTEIN Date: 3-NOV-1998 10:20:04 Subj: Lurky What are you doing? It asked you again. Then , again. You were logged in. Lurky How many hours? you asked. You didn't know. What was your goal? Lurky. Who was reading this? Why didn't you say something. The answer came back again.Lurky. Lurkdom, Lurkhood, Lurker, Lurkmurk, etc. They called you the same name over, and over,again...why couldn't your mom and dad just dissipear...why was it necessary to goto school, to get a job, to go out with friends when there was so much out there to lurk for. Look at all those crumbs and empty boxes around your room,the dust stuck to your monitor...when was the last time you took a shower, or went to the bathroom in general...was there a reason you had an automatic coffee pot next to your keyboard? Lurky. You never posted anything,just read the same 300 or so folders....waiting on-line for the next car advertisement, for the next LA_Story, for micro-waved on-line-business basselope...you pleaded with your self to $lo, but no, wait, just one more dir/folders....just one more..finger WEVANS, just one more flame, or good-bye-post on 74-Flo', just one , more, please. Nah, your just a lurky.